Sobon started the process of attuning and acclimating herself to Outward Spin aether as soon as Lord Shida left. With only three dynamos, it wouldn't exactly be a fast process--as aether spins increased in complexity, it took more work to compress the aether back down into normal space, which was necessary for attunement. They were, at least, good sized dynamos--though if she'd had more time, they would have been better. With more lower-spin dynamos supporting them, and thicker threads.
No, these would do. She lacked the time to do better, and there was no wishing that away.
Sobon finished up her detection array next, making relatively quick work of it. The differential signal matrix logic wasn't exactly in the forefront of her mind, but it was, at least, just math. It would take more effort if she wanted to make the output intelligible to others, but when she finally managed to link the two antennas with the proper logic, the picture that formed in her head--metaphorically, alas--was clear enough.
When she climbed out of the basement and waved the array around, she spared a moment to think about how she would look to Mian and Ki'el, although the pair were busy sitting and discussing something, with Ki'el having brought out one of her dynamos. The spiritual detection array was a complex array of diamond prongs, like mutant coral or antlers, pointing in two broad directions away from a central section where the scripts were. Although it wasn't obvious, the arrangement existed to create a phantom third antenna in higher-dimensional space, one that might extend into different planes depending on exactly what aether passed through it. But as far as she must look on the surface, she was simply waving a glittering, spiky diamond bush around.
Instead of worrying about it, she pointed the sensor in a number of different directions, each time based on what she already thought she sensed in various directions. She could focus and unfocus the antenna by adjusting the aether in the base; the scripts were crude, just barely enough that she could focus on a set distance, but she was able to quickly locate Lord Shida and tighten the array to him and the area around him, studying the result in order to verify the array worked. There were no surprises; a couple inefficiencies, but nothing untoward.
Although sweeping the array the area in a broad scan detected a couple possibly interesting signals, some of which Sobon took careful note of, the one that she focused on next was Kibar, who she'd thought seemed unusually deep, spiritually. The sensor showed that he was connected to a great many people through aether bonds, bonds that she might have spent a great deal of time delving into if she was really keen on prying. Given his attachment to a spiritual god, though, she could imagine that she knew the basics--that he had interacted with a great number of people on behalf of the spirits, helping many and upsetting others. But there were also a number of thicker aether bonds, ones that had to mean much more than mere fate. Family, or loved ones, or comrades in some other sense. In a way, she was surprised--the man had much deeper bonds than Sobon would ever have felt comfortable with. She knew... or thought she knew, that for those people who weren't lifetime cyborg soldiers, his attitude was probably more normal than hers. But still, those kind of bonds didn't go away easily, no matter how much you may wish they did.
Kibar, to his credit, did seem to notice Sobon when she studied him a bit too long, but unfocusing the array was enough to scatter what little qi pressure she should have been giving off.
Sobon, with some reservations, took the time to find the nearest qi signature that she thought might have been in the general power level of Mofu Gin. This far from the Empire, or perhaps, this far from Starbeast-spawning rifts, there were not a large number of powerful people; it took her a good hour to pin down a collection of figured, generally east-southeast, which she thought might have been the rest of the Mofu family. It matched, broadly, what Lord Shida had said they should have left, along with an upsetting number of additional forces that were still, technically, above Sobon's current level.
The mental effort had exhausted her, at that point, but she took careful note of the range and direction before letting the sensor array deactivate with a groan, setting the antenna down carefully. As she refocused on the world around her, she noticed Mian had shifted to some form of meditation, while Ki'el watched her from nearby, where she leaned against a wall.
"You have been focusing intently," the girl said, a little humor in her voice. "I do not know that I have ever seen you look as vulnerable as you did while you were holding that... thing. What does it do?"
"It senses," she said, sitting down and rubbing her temples. After a moment, she shook her head, realizing she'd said nothing. "It's highly sensitive to aether in one direction, and it can be tuned so that it mostly 'sees' at certain distances. It only gives me a picture of the aether itself--not the physical world as we normally see it--but it is useful. I believe I found the rest of the Mofu family, and they are fairly far away."
"I see." She looked down at the instrument where it lay on the floor. "I trust it was worth the effort. I have seen you working hard on it."
"It would be better if I had the right tools to go with it," she said. "But they are too advanced, or would require help from... from the Corona." She hesitated to say it, but she had introduced Ki'el to the name of the ship when they were flying back from the coast, and the name itself would meant nothing to anyone else. "But as it is, it is like a telescope for my aether senses, and that is enough."
Ki'el tipped her head to the side. "What is a telescope?"
"We--" Sobon paused. "Sorry. I discussed with Lui and Mian about lenses some time ago, but not with you. Light, which helps us see, follows certain rules..." she spent a short while paraphrasing the idea, and making a pair of quick lenses with aether to show the general concept. At the end, she summed it up with, "It is just another math, another thing that is useful to know once you are completely sure that it is true, and it is. In addition to images, lenses can focus light, and..." she shook her head. "...none of this is immediately useful to you."
"No. But I am glad that you enjoy speaking of it." Kiel pushed away from the wall and sat down next to Sobon. "Sobon... you spoke of this quest of yours as likely to take your life, again. I am..." she hesitated.
"Scared." Sobon let the word sound flat in her mouth, well aware of how the word itself meant nothing. It was the feeling, the overwhelming pressure of the feeling, that carried all the weight, and not the word. "Ki'el, I want you to understand something very clearly."
The girl tilted her head, so that she could see Sobon, but was not staring at her.
"I..." Sobon paused to feel the ugly, fluid feelings running through her body, the many broadcasting bits of flesh connecting to a nerve network that should have been clear, should have been professional and pristine. Because even if it had been, she knew something in her mind that she frankly hated to admit. Even without flesh, she had wanted to, or been able to, shake her humanity. "I am scared."
Ki'el turned a little more to look at her, but Sobon didn't read what was in her eyes. She probably could have.
"I was once a warrior so much more powerful than this frail little body that there is no comparison," she continued, aware as she spoke that Mian had also dropped out of his meditation to listen. "I focus on the advancement, on the path forward. I cleanse my aether, and I attune myself, and I build. But even if I were at my prime it is possible I would fail the mission that has been placed on my shoulders, because it was likely always impossible. It is likely they have asked me to do something that no one could possibly do. And the consequences if I fail are the deaths of everyone in this world."
"I knew from the start, deep in my bones, that everything they were talking about was beyond what a single soldier could accomplish. I let myself ignore the impossibility, because sometimes, charging headlong into danger lets you find or create opportunities. I thought perhaps I would stumble on to some secret, some path, some aspect of fate that would make everything make sense, make the mission line up and become possible. But if there were a time for that, it would be coming up very soon. Because the only way I can possibly take years and decades to accomplish this mission is if the people who gave me the mission were wrong. If I stay standing still while a crisis unfolds somewhere else, then I am an unworthy soldier, a layabout and a coward. A soldier--a professional warrior--is one who will charge into death if it doing so is the right thing to do."
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"If they are wrong, my death will be meaningless. And it is possible, when I come up against truly powerful enemies, that even the power that reincarnates me will fail, or they will not allow me to die, holding me prisoner so that I cannot escape. I'm not stupid, Ki'el." She turned to look at the girl, whose face had gone somewhat pale. "The thing where my squirrel body exploded was a mistake, but I was also..." No, Sobon decided, she wouldn't speak of that, not to the girl. Not knowing what she went through. She changed her wording, hoping it wasn't too obvious. "...reckless. Foolish. Lost, perhaps. I wasn't sure then, and I'm not sure now, that I will get another chance. But, Ki'el--an intelligent power that I cannot deny told me that things might become unsalvageable any minute, and it said that weeks ago. It is possible that things are stable, and will be for years and decades, but there is no room for me to assume that."
"You talk as though we do not need you here," Ki'el said, but her voice was strangely hollow, full of emotion that Sobon didn't take the time to understand.
"If they are right, Ki'el, your life is forfeit if I fail, along with everyone else." Sobon shook her head, trying to figure out how to put her thoughts to words, all the while cursing the emotional soup that was her human body, as it twisted and danced within her. "Ki'el... I think of you like a daughter. I don't wish to leave. I wish that I could stay and watch you and Lui grow up, and together with myself, and Mian, and perhaps more as the years go on... I want to watch us all grow stronger, safely."
"Then don't leave," Ki'el said, a strange intensity in her voice. "You say that you may not be able to win, that the... the mission was impossible. But you want to believe that after all of that, it will be your fault if you fail. Is it not someone else's fault? The masters', or the Diamond Lord's, or the Starbeasts', or someone? Can you truly not admit that the failure is all on the shoulders of other people, even here? Even to yourself?"
Sobon closed her eyes, listening to her heart, and also feeling the heart of Ki'el, as it burned at her, so close. She also couldn't ignore the words that the spirit had said, when it had last visited. [ Your mission on this world will shift before you accomplish it. ] But was that a prophecy, a knowing nod to truths unspoken, or an attempt to distract her? Corrupt her? "Everyone else is doing what they can," she finally said. "Can I really do less?"
"Is it not possible that they say they are doing all they can, but they lie?" Ki'el's voice was intense, and trembling. "Even I know what you are, Sobon. You are a--a man, a woman, a squirrel, whatever form you take, but you are a naked blade, eager to be wielded. But you are being asked to hold the weight of the entire world. That is not the weight that a single blade must bear. A single blade is meant to fight a single enemy, not an army. Not an entire nation."
But Sobon just shook her head. "Even if I stay, Ki'el, what comes next would never allow us peace. The politics of empires and powerful warriors would never allow me to grow strong enough to do what I need. They will jealously crush anyone who could become strong enough to challenge their empire. When I could no longer hide from them, this face and body became useless."
"You said you could change your appearance, hide your name," she insisted.
"But they know that Shiva Alassi exists, and will search for her."
"You already said you would disappear. Disappear to the others, but not to us."
Sobon hesitated. She knew the girl wasn't entirely wrong, but she also had no plan--and who could possibly formulate a plan to hide from an empire like the Djang? Even if it were safe? Not to mention, if she didn't remain on the mission that the Ri'lef had put her on, even if the situation didn't degrade, they would likely remove their protection. And while Sobon didn't hate Alassi, this body--and likely any human body she would ever inhabit, or possibly any animal--did not match her soul at all. If she were forced to remain in it, she would spend the next century replacing it piece by piece until she felt herself again.
As she sat there, just trying to survive the storm of feelings that she couldn't help feeling didn't belong within her, a cynical part of her mind replayed things Ki'el had said before. I cannot take your words as anything but the words of a coward, That was what the girl had said to Rai Su Anin. If Sobon were cruel, she could have repeated the words back at her, now. But... she had no doubt that the girl knew she was being a coward, fleeing from certain agony as she faced living once more without Sobon. Although perhaps now she might have another family, to lose someone again so quickly, to be stuck here with people she had just met, far from her home or anyone she'd ever known...
And that's what I'm asking her to do anyway, Sobon felt the spike of guilt in her chest, resisting its attempt to chain down her spirit. All because the Ri'lef demand what may be impossible. But without their help, I would never never have come to this world in the first place, never have met Ki'el on that island, and I would not have survived to save her again. Without the Ri'lef, Ki'el would either still be alone in the ruins of her home, or she would be a slave... or worse.
"I will do what I can to survive," she said after a long few minutes of thinking. In truth, her thoughts and feelings were far from clear. "I never intended to do otherwise. If given any chance--any at all--of getting through this safely, I will. But, Ki'el--I can't simply leave things as they are, and there remain so many, many ways this mission could kill me."
Sobon opened her eyes and looked at Ki'el, to find the girl watching her with a deeply pained expression. "I have seen so many good people die, Ki'el," she said, finding her voice to be very tired. "Soldiers, and those who were not. Death happens, whether we are prepared for it or not. I have seen whole cities destroyed by war, Ki'el, cities wider and grander than anything you can imagine. Not even military targets--simply millions of lives ended because they were 'the other side.' Pretending the world is safe doesn't make it so."
Ki'el struggled for a long moment to say more. Sobon was sure she was struggling to find another way, or another reason, to say that Sobon should stay. She let the girl search for a minute, before speaking again.
"It's exactly why I became a soldier. Because the world wasn't safe. I grew up in a city; I loved the city life, the people, the energy. But it wasn't safe, and I knew that trusting that things would be okay would be a mistake." She stopped, considering. "The city I grew up in was one of those that was destroyed by our enemy, later in my life. So I was not wrong, but neither was I enough."
"I am sorry," said Ki'el.
Sobon shook her head. "I miss that city," she said, "and I knew many good people who died when it fell. But my personal feelings mean nothing. All of our feelings mean nothing in the face of enemy action. Strength is not everything, but sufficient strength to defend yourself is a must. Defending what you love and believe in is a must. There is no other option; you either defend what you love, or you leave everything to chance, and chance is cruel."
"Chance is cruel," the voice of Mian echoed, and Sobon looked over at him. "But it is can also be generous. Chance brought you to us. Chance could have brought someone else--someone who didn't care, who let us die. Chance could have taken you somewhere else and left us alone. Somewhere out there are others who might have been saved by you instead, and they don't know to mourn what they might have had. We, though, we know what good fortune has brought us."
Sobon sighed, not meanly. "People have argued about optimism and pessimism since the dawn of time," she said. "Both are right, and both are wrong. I don't plan to give up, but I also can't help the feeling that I should, that everything is a disaster, that there is no hope. If that meant that I stopped trying, I would have died decades ago. But..." she shrugged, putting an embarrassed smile on her face. "I know it can make me a pain to talk to."
Mian, for his part, actually laughed at that, though he quickly put a hand to his mouth. "Sorry," he said. "It's just... until you started talking, I could easily believe that you were just a... just a blade, as Ki'el said. Unfeeling, cutting through to the heart of all matters. But there is a personality in there after all."
"I have lived my life as little more than a blade for a long time," Sobon said, standing up just to stretch herself, restoring a little feeling after sitting uncomfortably on the steps leading to the basement shed. "But even swords have personality. Study any given pair of them and you'll find differences. For people, with all of their history, all of their thoughts and feelings, no matter how much you tried to make an identical pair, you'd never come close."
"I suppose." Mian gave Sobon a wide grin. "Lui will be sad she wasn't here to hear you talk about your feelings and your past. You had better make sure that you open up some when you next talk to her."
Sobon was ready to say that the girl wouldn't care--but that was an off-the-cuff response. She would have said that about anyone, and Lui was no longer just anyone. Instead, she blew out a dissatisfied huff. "It's tiring to speak of, and it doesn't make much difference."
"People must speak in order to understand one another," Ki'el said, and Sobon thought the girl was trying to sound sage.
"I don't know how much I can teach her, or any of you, about people's feelings and hearts. Not my own, and not most people's. Because whatever else I am, I am not like most people."
"You are not most people. You are our people, our Sobon." Ki'el said. "And you will be, as long as you live. And... perhaps again after that."
"Perhaps," Sobon agreed. "For now... Mian, what were you meditating on? I saw you and Ki'el talking about the cycle and thorn, before..."
While the other two let Sobon deflect to another topic, and while her mind and heart felt some comfort for confiding in them, Sobon couldn't help worrying about what was to come. Whatever would happen in the coming months was going to be hard--but if she was lucky, that was all it would be. If not... Sobon tried not to think about how she might let her new family down.