Authors note: that's right, i'm starting another one. and there's nothing you can do about it. wait! i was kidding! please don't hurt me. (not my main project, just doing this for the lolz)
Scratch that, it is my main project.
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AN: This is me, several months later. After reading the prologue again, I decided I hated myself. Morning ritual complete,(It's three'O'clock, so it counts as morning) I will now proceed to edit it. I'd like to say I'll miss it, but...
I want to kill it with fire, and burn the fuck out of it. *Middle finger*
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When I was of five years of age, it all began.
My siblings all died of a plague that was started by a Bloated Diseased Horror that tried to demand tribute from the town a few miles away.
When I was seven, my mother starved to death because my three-person family no longer had food or money, as our crops had been destroyed three years running by various monsters.
On my twelfth birthday, I was given the present of my dad dying of a sickness contracted from drinking the tainted water where a basilisk had taken up residence just last summer.
My step-mother, or had married my deceased father,(May he rest in peace) the previous winter, took care of me. Instead of resenting my presence or trying to give me up, she took care of me as if I was her own. I started to love her like my own mother as well.
One day, while she was going to town to sell the first good harvest in a decade, she was ambushed by a roving band of orcs and brutally slaughtered. Well, brutally is just a speculation made from the remains. The bits and pieces that remained, of course.
The winter after that, instead of being forced to shiver alone in a barn and starve to death, a neighbor took me in. Life was going well, for the first time I felt stable, and I started to think of the future. I got quite a crush on my neighbors daughter, even...
I started apprenticing at the villages blacksmith, learning the trade. I was talented, and things were going well. I would be officially recognized within a couple months, even though the blacksmith himself said that I had long since surpassed even him.
I had been cheerful for years, and I'd started courting the daughter. With my profession of blacksmith we could move anywhere and be employed, and I would have a fulfilling life filled with love and good hard work.
One day I came home to my foster parents, to find their farm razed and still smoldering, the corpses of their entire family crumbling with the ash of their home. A passing traveler remarked that a Dark Knight had recently passed by, and everyone knew they were unpredictable.
I spent a week mourning, then went back to the black smithy, to find that it had been raided by thief's who wanted the precious metals we used. The blacksmith had discovered them, and they had stuck a knife in his belly. He was spread all over the floor.
He'd left the black smithy to me in his will, and I inherited it along with all of the money from my foster family. Funny, that I was the wealthiest man in the village in possessions, but had lost more family members than all of the other families combined.
The others in the community finally revealed that they had hated me for a long time, and drove me from the village and "Liberated" my possessions, forcing me to run away with what little I could carry.
On the way to the nearest city, I was robbed by some desperate men. They were good, decent people, who were driven on hard times just like me. They left the clothes on my back, and enough food to get to the town, which shows you how good they are. Most deserters will just stick a knife in your gut and throw your body in the ditch by the side of the road.
Unfortunately, the guards at the gate to the town had to turn me away, since there was an entrance fee and I was out of money...
There, standing at the gate to a town I didn't want to go to, with the clothes on my back and nothing else, I looked up at the sky.
"SCREW YOU TOO!"
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I went into the forest, and tried to live off of nature.
Nature must have been in on the joke that was my life, because the second I was out of the guards line of sight a pack of wolves came out of the bushes and ambushed me. They bit me a couple times, but I got away by diving into a river and escaping to the other side and hiding in a cave to weather the night. Unfortunately, the cave was inhabitied by some nasty arachnids or didn't take kindly to strangers, and I got a good dose of venom before escaping from the cave.
That poison must have made me smell very good, because no sooner had I escaped from the cave than a giant vulture scooped me up and flew me away. Once I reached it's nest, we discovered a young basilisk that had already eaten the vultures' young, and they then proceeded to fight over me. I'd feel flattered if it wasn't for my body that they fought over me. I'm not just a hunk of meat, after all. But, that's all animals care about...
Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
I hid under an overhang, hoping that maybe they would forget about me. Sadly there was a concealed hole, which I happened to fall into. Another coincidence was that I landed in the middle of a dining table, surrounded by-you guessed it, here's a cookie-ogres. I landed in the potato-and-human salad.
They roped me up with some conveinent vines and hung me over a pot, then debated about whether sauteing me or boiling me would be better, while another just wanted to fry me. When things got heated I chewed through the vine, which also had-you guessed it-poison, and stumbled out while my ogre hosts who had kindly taken me in for the evening slept off their little argument. They'd all agreed I wouldn't be stupid enough to bite the vine, and decided to sleep on the decision on how to cook me. Remarkably democratic, those ogres. I'd have liked to meet with them under different circumstances.
Sadly, they had set a watch, so I got to work on my cardio with the motivation of a dozen very hungry and angry ogres. (They'd come to a consensus to kill me, and think about it more, in case you were wondering.) I came to a sheer cliff, as luck would have it, and because I'd had just a bit too much poison, and was understandably a little tired, I straight up fell off. As luck would also have it, there was water at the bottom! The first good thing to happen in a long time, it was very welcome.
Then luck revealed that the helping hand it had extended was really a middle finger, and the kraken burst out of the lake and started tenderizing me. After being bashed about for a while, a cloud of bats fought off the kraken and took me into a cave, where a sadistic and creepy man in a suit sucked all of my blood and threw me back to the kraken.
The ogres made their way down from the cliffs, (there were stairs right next to it, funny enough) and the giant vulture was flying toward me with a young basilisk hanging from it.
I was a little frustrated, as you can possibly imagine.
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For once, luck seemed to be with me, and while the serpent and the ogres distracted the kraken I caught the vulture by the wing and we flew off, and after many dizzying loops and blood-chilling dives, I tired the vulture enough that it collapsed and let me off.
I made my way back to the road, feeling pretty good, since the poison had been sucked out by the creepy vampire. I didn't feel good since my blood was all gone, and the same bandits came after me again. They'd fallen on even harder times, and had to take the clothes off my back as well, tattered and torn as they were. I warned them about the poison, and we parted ways on good terms.
At the gate, I was given a beating for public indecency, and turned back into the forest to die. I found it funny that I'd probably had more excitement over the last two days then those guards would ever have in their lives, but nevertheless life finds ways to humble you.
A small goblin half my size stepped out of the bushes, holding a small sharp rock, and threatened me.
"Gimme all ya got!"
I stared at him for a second, looked at my loincloth and bare everything else, and looked back at him. "Are you kidding me?"
"You deaf or somethin'? Hand me your loincloth, dumb ass."
As I was contemplating suicide and some of the things I could yell at the guards while running around them, I met a trio of armed mercenaries. The leader looked me up and down, and from my appearence he must have mistook me for a monster. He whispered fearfully, "What manner of beast be thee, monster?"
I just looked at him, feeling as if life must have gotten tired of fucking me, and decided to dance and yell, acting for all the world like a deranged cannibal. They fell back, then waited until they were convinced I was harmless, and passed by me.
Within an hour, I was captured by real cannibals, and tied up with good strong ropes. I was cooked extra-rare, since that was how their god, Ugachuka, liked his offerings. They waved me on a stick enticeingly over the river for a full hour, before one of the scouts reported that Ugachuka had already eaten a dozen ogres and a basilisk, so he wouldn't be hungry for a full month.
While the cannibals decided whether to save me or just eat me, they left me tied up by their leaders tent.
I looked back up at the sky, and whispered under my breath.
"I will prove you to, gods who stand so arrogantly over us mortals, that we are not to be trifled with. And then, when I have proven my worth...
...I will Make. You. Pay."