"Ode to my life."

Song selected by Lich. (One author was harmed in the process)

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Lichs' POV

I picked my teeth for no particular reason.

I mean, blood doesn't get stuck between them, and I don't have to eat, so what could I possibly be trying to accomplish?

Though the finger-bone I'm using tastes surprisingly good...

"So...what exactly are we doing here?"

I twisted on the horse-sized rock I had climbed. "Well Plain, I heard from a suspicious middle-aged man that if I came here I'd find something worth my time."

"...do you speak that way on purpose, or does it just come naturally?"

"I've no idea what you're talking about. A pure, innocent girl like me would never spout filth on purpose."

"Ah, I see. Sorry I misunderstood."

"Of course, since I'm a sarcastic pessimist, I of course say these things on purpose. Though it's mostly your fault, as your reactions are the only things that make the black void of my heart feel anything."

"...I can't tell whether you're blaming me or thanking me. To be honest everything about you confuses me."

I hopped of the rock, and gave a 'hup' as I landed. I flicked the bone from my fingers, and took a step into the dark abyss leading into the mountain. "And that's how it'll stay. Come on, I'm gonna explore every inch of this moist cave, and plunder every virgin thing that's been hidden."

The Jo's follow, and Plain mutters, "...you're doing it again..."

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Still Lichs' POV

I walked down the twisting stone hallways, and gave an experimental tug at some hanging moss. It squeaked and retreated into a crevice, and I decided to not follow it.

At my feet the ripped and partially eaten bodies of arachnids the size of dogs gave the impression of a very arachniphobic tornado. My cute zambies are so energetic...

Plain held a detached insect leg, and looked sort of disappointed.

I went over and poked him. "Hey, why do you look so sad?"

He looked at the leg some more, and then closed his eyes.

"Do you know the dream of every man, be he orphan, peasant, or prince?"

"The conquest and subjugation of a lesser being, which can then be extorted until its' life has been used up, at which point the conquered will be thrown aside like dirt, or disposed of like an insect?"

"Jicius the Lawful, what kind of childhood did you have?"

"Huh? Childhood? What's that?"

"...never mind, I said nothing..."

"So, what is the dream of every man?"

"Just gonna move on I see...well, if we ignore the immensely depressing statement you just made, the wish of every man is to go on an adventure with a loyal friend..." he looked over at the Jo's, "explore a dungeon filled with danger..." he eyed the dead spiders again, "and perhaps fall in love."

"...I notice you avoided looking at me. Got something to say, Uncle Fiddles?"

He groaned. "Yes, firstly, the reason I didn't look at you is because I was imagining the girl I'd like to be with. Sadly, the only thing I can think about right now is the low possibility that I'll ever meet someone who would want to talk to me after seeing you, and secondly, the fact that you called me uncle just now makes me want to run far, far away."

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

"It's alright, Mr. Unher Aige. They say it's fine as long as she's old enough to say no."

"...no. I'm not continuing this conversation. Nope, I'm walking away now, and repressing every memory that even remotely reminds me of this."

Huh, he actually walked away. I wonder what I said wrong? Either way, I think I understand his dissatisfaction.

Raiding a dungeon is entirely too easy with an army of corpses. I gave mental orders to a new group of dead bodies that came carrying large chests filled with treasure. Who knew all you had to do to get rich is kill a couple hundred people?

...

...Huh, I see why Plain thinks I would discourage people from wanting to associate with me. I'm cynical as all.

I passed dozens more dead creatures, and raised them to test something.

True, all the creatures I reanimated followed my commands, but they suffered from the same things that afflicted my other zambies. They were slow, sluggish, and reacted after the fact. In fact, they were even slower that the human dead. Their four-eight legs got caught in each other, and tripped them up. I see why most necromancers prefer humanoid servants.

Blacky came over while I was watching an undead slime inch-no, more like millimeter- along the ground. At first I thought it didn't move at all, and it retained none of its' poison. It was pretty much a lump of dead...something, that barely moves. I released it from my will, and watched it begin it's laborious journey over the three inches towards a pool of blood.

Blacky clacked a little, and pointed down the hallway. I followed his lead, and arrived at a set of doors carved out of bones. I got a couple of my zambies to push the door open, and gave mental commands to a couple of the undead near Plain, to tell him to get his butt over here. The Jo's came up behind me, and together we looked over the room.

The statue of some kind of twisted creature, easily four-meters in height, stood hunched against the wall. An ornate golden hilt was planted deep in it's head, pinning it to the wall. At the creatures' feet, a throne of bones stood at the top of chipped stairs. Skulls for hand rests and hundreds of ribs made up the back. At first it appeared as if the throne was empty, but then a set of bones started moving.

The skeleton got up, and donned a robe. It clicked and snapped as it stretched, then raised its' arms above its' head.

"Welcome, to the resting place of Raphael. The Tomb of Bones, or as I like to call it, home."

My name is Jelkrish, but you would know me better by what I am.

I'm a Lich.

And I'm going to kill you.

Any questions?"

I'm not even gonna bother saying it...