BOOM!

SEE THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW, SNORT THE CO-

Ahem, right.

Here's the chappy~

I'm so done with myself...

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Lichs' POV

"Heh, heh, heh."

"Please, think about this! I have a long life ahead of myself!"

"Pft, don't be silly, Jo. You know that thing I did with the thinga-majig, where I put the who-sit in your what-sit? I penetrated your body so hard, I took forty years off your lifespan. You won't make it past thirty."

"...as horrible as that is, I think I'd be able to bear it except for one thing-you make it sound like rape."

"Hm? But I got consent from you, so-"

"-Be that as it may, I'd prefer if you didn't over-sexualize your own actions, thank you very much."

"...nah. Too much fun. Plus, if I didn't say all of these vulgar things, I'd probably turn into a fucking child. You know how much I hate children? Those little shits should all just die in childbirth, along with their bitch-excuses for mothers."

"...I've never heard that from you, and it seems like you have quite a bit of pent-up emotion. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No! I just feel that kids with their ability to isolate and taunt another individual with cruel efficiency is one of gods' most effective ways of fucking with people, and that just maybe I do want to play with the other kids! Those fucks!"

"...I see...you do know we were all children at one point, and you happen to be, in literal fact, a child?"

""Fuck your logic! I make zombies and shit! Now, go stand in front of me. I don't want to get hurt."

"...what about me...?"

"Expendable."

"I see..."

Let's see, the zambie may be staring at me with cold, lifeless eyes, full of accusation and denunciation, but since when has a little guilt stopped me?

Besides.

I'm a little excited. <3

5%.

A good bit of change. It grew a full foot, a black aura began to exude from its' body, concealing the newly-grown muscle and spiked plates that seemed forged directly into its' body. Its' axe, which used to be a relatively humble, one-sided affair, had developed into a lovely double-bladed murder-weapon, consisting of a four-foot steel rod with a spiked tip, and two magnificent twisted crescents forming the battle-axe. The horns on its' helmet had grown larger and begun to point forward, While the helmet itself had become a full-face, with a depiction of a skull on the front.

Hmm...I think that was more description than both of the Jo's got put together.

"Hey!"

10%

Not much change. The aura grew again by half, but other than an extended hiss, the zambie made no motion.

Well, life is short. YOLO.

90%

The helmet began to crumple, then half of it snapped off, leaving a jagged half-helmet with one horn. One of the axe blades snapped off, its' body began to convulse, and its' veins began to emerge onto the surface of its' body. Bright blue lines in contrast of the aura sprung up all across its' body, and it began to shake.

Not like the Twitchy's, but more like a rabid animal.

Well, the fake me has gotten their army pretty close. Just twenty more steps. I gave my zambie a pat on the shoulder.

Go! Main-character deus ex machina bullshit!

"Alright, Sprinkles. Knock'em dead."

"Why did you name it..."

"Because, Jo, the author got tired of referring to Sprinkles as 'it.' Dumbass."

"I get the feeling you're getting more sadistic as the writer gets more tired of this story."

"That, is called the butterfly effect. Maybe. Fuck your mom."

"Yep, definitely more. So, what do we do if Sprinkles falls over and does nothing?"

"...I don't like contemplating my own death."

"I see. I'll go and pray now."

"Alright, if you get tired of sucking off god, you can go get Plain."

"Will do."

I gave Sprinkles a pat on the butt, which happened to be at eye-level. (Internal sobbing) I'll definitely grow taller eventually, right?

Right?

Molest my life...

Sprinkles shot off like the bullet in a gun you put in your mouth, and arrived in front of the two-hundred-fifty skeletons. Before they so much as looked up into the half-metal, half-rotting-corpse face, Sprinkles had his axe pulled behind his back while twisting his body.

He untwisted, and swung the axe.

The axe was, admittedly, rather dull. So, instead of cutting the five skeletons it hit, they all just flew into the air. I started applauding.

Sprinkles kicked off the ground, leaping into the middle of the army and shoulder-bashing two more skeletons. As the fell over, Sprinkles turned the axe held at his waist, and swung in a horizontal arc. Once again, skeletons flew into the air, with the greatest of ease.

In the back of the army, a pedestal of bones formed, and the fake me climbed up it. He yelled over to me,

"Hey! No fair, bringing a Cursed Berserker! Even I don't have one..."

I fold my arms, and hmph. "Puh, the only people who make rules when they're losing are sore losers. I didn't think a Dungeon Boss would be so petty."

Sprinkles continued playing around, even once biting off a head, helmet included. Jelkrish made a fist, and growled. "Gr, I'll have you know I've been here for longer than you've been alive, brat!"

My mouth cramped. "Oh, really? And in that time, you only got retarded hunchbacks and shit-magicans to challenge you?"

"Shit-Magicans are quite powerful, I'll have you know! And no, I didn't...get...any........intruders........"

The silence was filled with the crunch of metal, and a very happy zambie laughing(roaring).

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"..."

"What? You're not gonna make fun of me? You didn't strike me as such a decent ki-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

"S-stop, l-laughing, Lich, it-s PFT, its, not, poli-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!"

"...it's not tha-

"HAHA YOU DIDN'T GET ANYONE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

"I, I'm s-so sorry, haha, It's just, you-ha!-I can't resist-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Sprinkles and the skeleton army were long forgotten, meanwhile fake me was sulking. Strange, a skeleton that sulks.

Though, I am a seventeen-year-old in a childs' undead-body, with serious depression issues and three guys who follow me around...maybe I should be more understanding of others...?

Sometimes, I surprise myself at how sarcastic I can be. lol.

"LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL"

"ROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFLROFL"

"LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOFUCKYOURMOMLMAO"

"BRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRBBRB"

"COME ON! That last one isn't even an acronym for laughter! At least try and mock with some dignity, okay?"

"I would, but I'm currently tearing up. Even though I don't have tears, I'm still too dizzy to stand."

"Come on, Lich. I think that was enough, right? Even if he was never invaded before."

fake me arched his back, as if delivered a blow. I laughed, and gave a reply. "Yeah, I wouldn't want to hurt the guys feelings or anything, he's probably already really fragile since nobody cares about him."

fake me bent over, holding where his stomach should be.

"I'm impressed, Lich. I thought you were getting rather unlikable, but you're still considerete to sad, lonely old men."

fake me snapped their head back, as if delivered an uppercut. I raised my arms, and shrugged. "What can I say?

I don't have the heart to rub salt in a deep, festering wound of loneliness, shame, and self-pity. For guys like him, the only way he could hurt more is if he killed himself. But since he's already dead, I guess things couldn't get worse for him!"

"Oh my, that's so true!"

"Isn't it, ho-ho-ho~"

"As you say~hahaha~"

fake me was on his knees, silent phantom-sobs wracking his body. Within the skeleton army, things were coming to a close.

As expected, Sprinkles couldn't beat such overwhelming numbers.

Various weaponry impaled his body, enough that a squad of twenty could be fully equipped with just the things stuck in his torso. The was even a shield impaled into his arm. How the skeletons managed that, I'll never know. For a simple reason.

The skeletons were crawling over Sprinkles like ants, hacking and stabbing and ripping off chunks of flesh, all while Sprinkles howled and shook. The blue veins running through his body had expanded, and were pulsing.

The light grew, then faded, then grew brighter, the faded. Finally, the light turned from blue to a pale blue, then to almost white, and then-

Oh, my, I didn't know people had so much inside of them!

Course', it's all outside, now. Oh, and none of the skeletons were moving. A couple were twitching, but they probably wouldn't get up.

"NOOOO! SPRINKLES! You actually became confetti! You're a traitor to your name!"

"...uh, Lich, there is so much, wrong with your priorities. Just thought I'd point them out."

"Heh~heh~nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, Jo~"

"Ah, I see."

"You..."

I looked over at fake me. "Yeah?"

Glowing red light in the eye-sockets of a skull rose to meet me.

"You're a monster.

Take the fucking sword, just, please...

leave here ASAP. I need to contemplate unlife, and what I can use in place of a rope, since I no longer possess a neck."

I smile, and give a v for victory. "Sure thing, failure~! I'll cheer for you~"

"Guh...."

I stride happily over to the steps. The Jo that didn't run off to get Plain remains next to me. I give him a wave, and proceed alone up the steps.

As I approached the statue of a monster, I used the bit of mana I'd regenerated while bullyin-giving criticism to fake me to make stairs of ice. I reached up for the golden hilt, and reached forward a hand.

As I touched it, the metal disintegrated, and golden dust fell to the floor.

"...eh?"

I...I came so far...for this stupid sword...and it breaks?

"Bullshit!"

I wave over Jo. He starts running up the steps toward me, and I sigh. Behind me, the sound of stone cracking echoes through the room. I turn around, to see Jo jumping in front of me.

Then Jo is replaced by a massive, clawed fist. Rock drops off of the knuckles. I slowly follow the arm up to the head, to find a box-like face, with two tusks, fangs, a large nose, and beady eyes. Yellow irises, and horns like a ram covering his temples.

The mouth opens, and the jaw moves from side to side. A deep, gravely voice reverberates through my bones.

"It has been...a long time."

His eyes look at me.

"Now, be a good little girl...

And die."

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AN: Just kidding~ Jelkrish wasn't the final boss, Teehee~