AN[WE INTERRUPT THIS FICTION FOR A PRE-CHAPTER RANT]: You know, most authors would say sorry and write an extra long chapter for their readers after a break. But I'm not a good author.

I'm just a potato of darkness. I feast on the shadow and bath in the blood of innocents. Well, not so much the first one. I prefer cupcakes, actually. Mmm...but I digress. After a couple months of writing, I have begun to see my flaws. Of course, the first one being I'm a bloodthirsty psychopath who needs to consciously tone it down or else risk being incarcerated in a mental facility. I mean, I try really hard to describe what is in my mind, without overloading you guys. Because honestly, I am a nut. Little can change that fact, except kitties, so I try to embrace it. But, back to the topic. My biggest flaw, at least in my mind, (I'm sure you guys can find many more if you look) is that I am not good at staying on topic. This is why I don't use tables, or include exact levels or powers, as I know I will forget them, and probably confuse everyone. So, I have tried to write a good fiction without the use of these means.

And frankly, I can't. So, I will actually have to put effort into writing. Hah...I have made it this far with the following means.

1. Watching something stupid and getting inspiration.

2. Getting on the computer and typing it up.

3. Upload it, no proofreading, no further thought.

...

So, now that you know how bad of a writer I am, I will now try to convince you otherwise. You see? It is in my nature to be contradictory. One minute I tell you I'm bad, the next I ask you to praise me. You know, I think there's a word for that...oh right!

MAPOTI!

If you get the reference, I love you. So make sure you lock your windows and doors, k? :D

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Is it normal for little girls to wake up in strange places, surrounded by rotting corpses?

Well, it probably is. Though if I ever told a girl that, I would end up as one of those corpses. Oh wait, I'm already a corpse...

Well, there goes any hope I had of being normal. Of course, I think I lost that hope when I was born. I would curse god, but I think this is genuinely my fault, for being born as a poor sob with no self-confidence. Well, I can always do what my mother said!

"If you're feeling down, just fuck off you little shit!"

Hmm...somehow, I think this is more an order than it is advice...but I could be wrong! Optimism! Like my father always said!

"Keep quiet, unless you want it three times a week instead of two!"

Hmm...I'm sure he was telling me to be patient, and not get ahead of myself! But my brothers always included me!

"Hah! His expression's priceless! Wait till' I kick him in the face-it looks even better covered in blood!"

Haha! George was always such a nice guy. He always made sure to include me when him and his friends wanted to have some fun. I may not have enjoyed the activity...but that's alright! I mean, not every sibling can have mercy on you, right? Sometimes they just have to treat you bad so you appreciate them. It's not like I had anyone else, anyway.

Hmmm...I feel as if I am contradicting myself. But where? Everything I have said is true. Well, I did say I wanted to kill Plain, but then I wanted him to be safe...meh, must be my imagination. People can change their minds.

Anyway, the dead people. Around six hundred of them. For the most part they were skeletons, who had picked weapons off the ground and were wandering around. Except for two, a pair of a zombie and a skeleton who were...let's just say that love is eternal. Even in death, these two still had some left in them.

*snicker* That skeleton sure is 'bony' *snicker*

Leaving the two lovebirds to their activity, I decided to command all of the dead to dance. Why?

Cause fuck me that's why.

...

I kinda feel redundant.

I gave the order via mind signals, to which nothing happened. To this, I decided maybe screaming might work.

"Hey! Dance!"

...

*Tap tap tap*

Around me three skeletons were making creaking noises as their bones moved. I tried yelling again in case they hadn't all heard me, to which nothing happened.

I wonder why only three of them listened to me?

I felt a couple skeletons brush past me, and even though they didn't attack me I still felt hostility. Looking inside,my mind, I felt four forces trying their best to kill me.

I jerked back, yet the three skeletons kept dancing. "I wonder why I can only control four?"

Thin nose was still buried outside the city, so he wouldn't be any use. Then-

I felt him disappear from my mind. I tried doing the same with one of the skeletons, and he fell over. I immediately told him to stand up, and he did so, and his hostility came back.

So...I can "Turn off" undead, and then reactivate them? Does it take mana? I tested it out, and found that it took no power whatsoever. This could definitely come in handy...but in this situation, it was ultimately useless.

How do I gain control of more undead? What is limiting me to only four? Plus, I got the feeling that something was missing, like I had to restart.

Meanwhile, my mana was gone. Next to none was left, yet it was coming back pretty fast. It felt slightly...different. I felt like a vacuum, sucking something in. Uh, that felt oddly sexual. Looking around, I perceived a swirling vortex, and at it's center...me.

When I looked closely, I saw that the undead themselves were giving off the smoke. I walked up to one and...ate him.

Well, I didn't put him in my mouth (Why does everything I say turn out perverted?) but his bones disappeared. And within, I had regained some mana.

So, I can absorb undead to get mana. Neat. Walking to the gate followed by my four still dancing undead, (I grabbed two more) I looked over the field in front of the city. And approaching, was a teeny, tiny, little army of forty-thousand. What the hell?! That bastard guy told me there were only ten-thousand! Then again, he could have been trying to keep people calm...damn him and his pragmatism!

Well, might as well make my own gravestone. I mean, come on! Out there was about thirty-six thousand men, and like two-thousand monsters. And I'm not talking about slimes, I'm talking about giant snakes and mini dragons and multi-headed other things and really big tigers and even some cow-men. Except instead of being fat and lazy, they were four-meter tall bulls with ripped arms and giant axes and hammers. So many monsters, and all of them wanted to kill me.

Have I mentioned how much I miss crying?

So, returning to the original problem. How in the world do I make my huge undead army, an army, and not just a bunch of dead people bumping into each other like idiots. I mean, come on! Two zombies were just running into each other, without any effort to move out of the way or make their way around. Well, their brains are rotted, so...

Horns

Well, here come all the giant cow-men hungry for Lich flesh. Well, actually it's someone else's flesh, I"m just borrowing it...

In through the gate came a large amount of noise. In came a couple hundred soldiers. These men were clothed in light-orange and steel, which looked out of place in the green country. Still, I guess they were...different.

As the several hundred men ran through the gate and into the courtyard, they all paused and tried to turn around. When the undead saw them, unearthly screams  and howls were followed by a frantic rush. The men, obviously unused to undead, tried to backtrack. The undead crashed into the broken line of men and started hacking with their stolen weapons, in the case of the skeletons, and teeth, in the case of the zombies.

Despite the fact that the undead were probably a fifth as strong as one of the soldiers, the men were so afraid that they could barely fight back. However, their leaders put some backbone into them, and the line of lightly armored soldiers began to fight back. This immediately resulted in several zombies dropping, but they got back up. Cuts to their bodies or limbs didn't seem to slow them down much, and the skeletons bones' seemed to be stronger than normal, which resulted in them being able to take more hits.

Did you know this text is from a different site? Read the official version to support the creator.

The battle soon turned into a sort of whack-the-enemy-until-they-don't-get-back-up and pretty soon two hundred of my poor zambies were dead. I'll just refer to them collectively as my zambies, because fuck grammar.

So, I did the natural thing. I started raising them up, as fast as my mana regenerated I used it. This further freaked out the line of humans, as they now turned around to see their previously downed opponents getting back up. During this, I discovered some things. Firstly, there were some dead I could't raise. If a zombie or skeleton had its' head completely destroyed, I could not raise it back up.

By sending in my four skeletons in at a crucial moment, (I saw a guy who was so injured he could barely move) and having them kill him, I was able to take control of another undead. The mans soul started to float away, but when I raised the mans' corpse it zoomed back in, and then disappeared. Later when his head was destroyed his soul stayed disappeared.

I also tried raising a man, and then absorbing him. Turned out that I gained slightly less mana than I used to make him, and his soul stayed gone. So, I lost something when I absorbed them. But, when I absorbed a skeleton I gained more mana than I did for a zombie, about 2.5 times as much. So, maybe if I left a zombie alone for a while, maybe I could make a profit in mana?

Yet, despite everything I did, we stayed at a stalemate. I used up my mana raising the dead as fast as they could kill them, and the undead killed few men every minute. I was just amazed that I could hold off the seven hundred or so men in the courtyard.  Still, I was fighting a losing battle.

Even though my mana could probably regen fast enough to keep the men busy until they were all dead, using mana had another cost. I was getting tired. And the more tired I got, the harder it was to stop the five undead under my control from rushing forward and attacking the men.

During all of this, I went unnoticed. After an hour of fighting, even though the numbers had barely changed, the undead had been pushed back several yards. Now the commanders were sitting in the shadow of the gate behind their soldiers, and I stood with five skeletons.

I had the skeletons sneak up on the commander and his lieutenant, and when they were ready, I had them cut off the commanders mounts' legs. This sent the two tumbling, and the skeletons quickly finished them off.  Instead of turning them into undead immediately, I ate their souls. Just stuffing the warm orbs down my throat as fast as I could. then I tried raising them, and found that they became zombies that just stood there. Only when I told them to move did they do anything.

I had found that undead made using a soul could move on their own, and be controlled, and if you made them without a soul then they would have no will whatsoever. For right now, leaving the souls in their bodies would be better, as I can only control six undead right now.

For another hour I kept raising undead, and the soldiers tried their best to keep going without their leaders. Then, I was able to control seven undead. I was confused, as I thought I only got extra undead from killing people with them. Turns out that just controlling the undead made it easier for me to use them, and made me able to use more of them. Maybe that was why I could control four at the beginning, because I had been controlling Thin Nose for a while.

After three hours of fighting, the humans started breaking. One at first, then two, then five, eight, nineteen, and then a flood of men running away. I collapsed on the steps of the gate, and lay down recovering from my exhaustion. Two hours later, they came again.

I got up, feeling refreshed an full of mana. A couple hours later, I once again collapsed as the men retreated. I gasped an struggled for air. At this point, I was sure. I couldn't make skeletons. No matter how much I willed the zombies I created to shed their skin, they didn't. So, I worked knowing that I had a limited number of skeletons. I now had around three hundred zombies and four hundred skeletons, but that number fluctuated quite a bit.

At this point the army sent forward a couple hundred archers. I was worried for a bit, but when the archers shot the zombies, they did nothing. Considering that the zombies got up after getting cut nearly in half, an arrow to the body didn't do much. However, I got worried when they started dropping from shots to the eyes. The skeletons were completely unaffected, so I got an idea. I had my eighteen skeletons go and pick up shields and stand in front of the zombies. Then, slowly, some of the other skeletons did the same.

Due to this, I was able to gain more information. Undead with souls can learn, and do things on their own. I haven't experimented with soulless undead yet, but I am sure there will be time.

Next, I tried releasing the eighteen skeletons from my control. They looked slightly confused, but kept doing what they were doing. Next, I tried taking control of zombies. I was shocked at the result.

I could control forty-three, and my mind sighed in relief, as they were much easier to control. Next, I had those zombies pick up shields and cover their heads before standing with the skeletons and using the shields to protect their heads, and using their bodies as meat shields. After the archers ran out of arrows, they looked at a loss of what to do. Their commander, being the young idiot he was, ordered them to draw swords and run at the undead, claiming they were weakened from the arrows.

The archers, who were protected with thick cloth, soon died in large numbers. I decided to let the commander live, as stupidity such as his is something not often found, and should be treasured.

At this point, after raising the two hundred zombies, I took control of twenty-two skeletons, and had them pick up the bows. I had them fire a few test shots, and once I decided they might be able to hit the side of a barn, I had them climb up the wall and hide with me.

Luck has been good to me. First, I got five hundred skeletons from who-knows-where, and I also got two attacks that had little pre-planning. From now on, things would get worse.

And I was stuck in a little girls body.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUu

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Trees' POV

So, here I am, in the middle of a war. Most people would think, "Hey! After this, you'll have lots of stories to tell!"

To them, I raise my middle branch. (because I don't have fingers. Because I'm a tree.)

I'm a goddamn tree. How many times have I cursed my luck, and wished for something else?

And now, some kind of dark mist is floating around me. It's coming from the west, which is what side of the city I'm on, and I get the feeling it's reacting to my emotions. The squire has long since gone with the sky person, and I miss him. I wish he would sit in my branches and eat my apples. I wish he would lay on my roots and keep me company.

I am tired of being a bystander. mist draws closer

I am tired of saying nothing. A swirling vortex wraps around the trunk

I am tired, of being a fucking. Useless. Tree. The mist sinks into the bark

But, that will not change anything. Because...

*Inhale*

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

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Darkness draws closer, and soon no one will be safe. The rise of Wooden, the almighty god of the earth, is at hand!!!

(I <3 you zeny)

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AN [AND NOW, AN END RANT]: Us authors are like leeches. We feed off of our readers life-force through their comments, and use this to write more, and ensnare even more victims. So, the gist is, comment more. Do it.

FEED ME