AN:It looks like while I wasn't looking some people actually read this...I feel kinda bad for them.
Well, I'm not one to say anything. After all, I'm the one who writes this stuff.
But wouldn't that mean I know exactly how much of a time-waster this is...?
On the topic of my NaNoWriMo, it crashed and burned. A colossal failure. (Heh, see what I did there?)
But! I will stubbornly continue to write it! Because reasons! I l!ke exclamat!on po!nts!
[Insert crazed rambling here]
Remember to vote for me for president!
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Life is like a game of stones.
Stupid. Childish. Unfair.
At least that is how it has turned out from my experience, but today I think I can add another describing word...
"Hail the Lord of Sand! Die, infidels!" Yelled the extremely hairy man sitting atop a giant weasel.
Ridiculous.I'm not drunk right now! Besides, if I were drunk his beard would be the colors of the rainbow and he would be carrying a large lollipop like a battleaxe.
I've stopped questioning myself a long time ago...
Nevertheless..."You! Weasel-man!" I cry out while tripping over literally every dismembered limb on the ground before coming to a halt approximately one-hundred feet away. (Hey, that weasel has eyes like a hawk!)
Weasel/Ape-man looked over at me. Well, I think he was watching the sky, judging from how far up his nose he was looking down from. "Hm? Infidel? Yay! Infidel!"
'Is he a literal monkey? If he starts throwing things, I'm gonna flip...' As I bravely stood hiding behind my large force of zambies, confident in their my strength, I called across the safe distance, "Weasel-man! Prepare yourself, for I am the great and tall-" I was cut off by the force of wind knocking me down. Said wind having come due to one of the Bigs running at the Weasel-man. Getting on my knees I call out in a slightly-hurt tone, "Wait! I haven't finished taunting him!"
The Weasel-man twirled his magnificent mustache while coolly watching the Big running toward him. With the look of a child who had found a new toy, he dismounted and slapped the weasel on the butt-"Go! Wonder-Whiskers!"
I forcefully put my head back where it belongs, in the mud.
I'm done. Nope. Fuck this shit, no way am I going to fight against a giant weasel named 'Wonder-Whiskers' and still be able to call myself a man. I'm quite confident in my masculinity, you know.
...
God dammit...I wish I was drunk. Then all of this would make cents.
With a colossal clash, the skeletal Big and wondrous-weasel began grappling like something right out of a story. And although it seemed as if the Big had the advantage in raw strength...
*Crunch*
...The weasel seems to have both the agility to avoid the Bigs' clumsy arm-flailing, and the jaw-strength to crush its' skull which happened to be five-times as thick as a normal human. Scary...
The poor weasel, who had somehow been obtained by a monkey, seemed to be unsatisfied with just the immense amount of calcium it had just ingested, and seemed to want something a bit more fleshy.
I let out a very un-masculine scream as the weasel tore through my zambies like paper, but went completely silent when confronted with its' massive, dripping jaws.
If I ever had an inner man, he just crapped himself. Then he became a transvestite-hermit who swore off animal goods.
The jaws loomed closer...
Unexpectedly, "OI! Whiskers, don't bother. Eating something that small will give you indigestion! Come on, they probably need our help at the other gates." it was the monkey who saved me. Phew...wait. How would eating something small give you stomach problems? It doesn't make an ounce of cents!
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
'Oh well,' said my inner transvestite-hermit-vegan. 'not like I have anything else to lose.'
No. Shit.
Answer: Your mental state is in turmoil. Mental counseling is suggested.
...Must I repeat myself? Honestly. Just look like two spaces up.
Warning: Fourth-wall break detected. Preparing to eliminate...
W-wait! S-space? Hah! I'm c-crazy, you k-know? I was just kidding! What kind of w-w-wall is that, anyway?
Eliminate...?
No!
Eliminate... :(
Even the world wants to kill me...and it can make such adorable puppy-eyes that I feel kind of guilty...
Enough! My inner man is crying!
'Boohoohoo...'
Shut up! I don't mean you! I mean the symbolic symbol of my masculinity!
'Isn't that a redundant statement-'
Technicalities!
While I was dealing with the inner turmoil, weasel-man had gotten astride Wonder-Whiskers once more and ridden out of the gate. He stopped at the door, turning around. "Hey, you! Make sure to get lots of muscle so that the next time Whiskers tries to eat you you'll be filling!"
My pride, at an all time low, wouldn't let him leave without one last statement. "Hah! This must mean that you've run out of competent forces, right?" I thought with tepid-confidence.
He looked at me wierdly. "Hmm? You mean me? I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The fact that the fodder is having trouble with you means that someone who actually knows how to fight will soon show up. I believe in you!"
...Says the monkey man saluting like he's at a funeral. Goodbye my pride~ it was nice knowing you~don't worry, my spirit will soon follow~
Then the man is gone.
Turning to Blacky, I say with the tiniest amount of hope that can be mustered, "Maybe they forgot about me?"
Then thirteen white-robed figures blew open what remained of the gate, sending burning fragments flying everywhere, and with a word they make my zambies vaporize.
ha! Ha! Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Answer: U R Skrewd. It was unfortunate to know you.
'Yeah...I think I'll sit this one out...'
When even the voices in your head abandon you, you know life has been constipated and was just waiting for you to walk under.
My only regret...is that I didn't get to ram anything into gods' back end.
Such misfortune...
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Many thanks to Pyro, who gave me the inspiration for this chapter. Also, if you got really mad that I spelled "sense" as "cents" then comment below. MWHAHAHAHAHA!
Don't do it! Its' a trap!
Wha-No! Don't listen to him-her-it-thing! Just let out your grammar Nazi instincts!
As long as you include a bone joke, I'm fine with it! Maybe add a little bit of weasel... ;3
As you can probably tell, I haven't been able to get my crazy out for a while. It builds up, you know? Also-SHAMELESS SELF-PROMOTION FTW!!!!!!!!!!1