Well, I will now be royally fucked. Fucked so hard I wonder if my skull will remain in one piece.

At the head of six hundred heavily armored soldiers, was a single man dressed in a red robe. I mean, on his own I would be confident. It was the six hundred men behind him that really scared me. They were all mounted, and if they got into this courtyard...

Well, let's just say that I don't particularly crave horse cock shoved up my ass, okay? That brings up some interesting memories of me and my sisters...oh god, the horror...no! Don't bring god into this! It will only make things worse!

So, to avoid bestiality, I first turned off the twenty three skeletons on the wall, then took control of fifty-two zombies and had them pick up spears and other pikes, and place them in the ground in a half circle around the gate. Then I had those same zombies pick up spears and brace themselves.

Of course, when a fireball obliterated half of them, I got kinda pissed off. I ordered the remaining zombies to repair the hole and had twenty more join them. Then, I jumped off the gate.

Sure, it sounds stupid. I mean, I'm putting myself right in the middle of my enemies without any defense, and I can barely control what little magic I have, plus I just left a large amount of the undead in a city with a lot of squishy people, and maybe I had just decided to face off against an obviously superior mage, but-

...

Wait, this was a horrible decision! Why the fuck did I do this? I've made a horrible mistake!

The horsemen surrounded me, and I felt my backside begin quivering at the thought. The red mage dismounted, and walked forward at a liesurly pace. He had the perfect entrance, making him seem like some stereotypical villain right out of a storybook. Even his beaky nose reminded me of some of the villains.

"Mwhahahaha! You have made a foolish decision, brave hero, but today...darkness will cover the earth!"

"..."

"Well? Aren't you going to stop me?"

"...if anything, I am the bad person here. I literally turn the corpses of dead people into my tools of destruction, what makes you think you're the villain?"

"...My fabulous hat?"

I took a good look. "Have to admit, that's a pretty nice piece. I'll have to thank your tailor after I loot your dead corpse."

He looked shocked. "You...you really are evil material! I will have to learn from you, before I burn you to a crisp!"

"...Really? Fire jokes? I mean, your robe kinda gives it away. Really, you need to put more imagination and creativity into your character."

He snorted, then ordered the soldiers to attack the gate. They charged forward, only to be impaled, then I re-activated teh skeletons on top of the gate, and had them shower the horsemen with arrows from behind. Quite effective, if I do say so myself.

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Me and the red guy activated our auras, and prepared to do magical battle, but before that-

"Little girl, you can say nothing about being a villain! I, the great wizard of fire, Abbicus the Flamboyant, am the epitome of destructive evil!"

"It's not a contest, you retard. All I'm saying is that I will crush your bones to dust and polish my shoes with them."

"That! Right there! How can you be so off-handedly cruel? I have to work really hard to maintain my image, you know!"

I shook my head. "I already told you, insignificant insect, that you are no contest."

He stood, looking like a fish out of water, before his eyes started watering. "You...you are just what I need. For years, I have been stuck as a mediocre villain, laughed at by heroes and ignored by the local authorities because I "Respect the laws and people of the realm" or some shit."

"I didn't ask for your lifes' story dipshit-"

"I would ask myself, "How am I lacking? What can I do to be more evil?" And you have provided a way!"

"Listen, I don't give a fuck about what your talking abo-"

"Now! I must thank you properly, by reducing your miserable shell to ash!"

Did he really say that?

Teeth show

Did that fucker, really say what I think he said?

'-Demonic grin of evil devilry which causes grown men to piss themselves- Activate.'

Unknown ability. What do you me-

'Take a goddamn joke, would ya?'

I raise my hand, and use my certain-kill move.

"Fell Wind"

To which he replies with-

"Visage of the Deserts' Disciple"

A swirling tornado of sand and flame eradicate my spell.

"Hah! You think such elementary spells will scratch my aura? Get yourself ready for the eviling of a lifeteime!"

"..."

"Oh? Speechless with fear?"

"*Mumble mumble*"

He has a taunting face and tone to match. "Is that a plea for mercy?"

I looked up, and spoke with my full volume.

"What I said was,

YOUR MOTHER WAS SPEECHLESS WITH MY DICK IN HER MOUTH LAST NIGHT!"

"...aren't you a girl...?"

"Funny. That's what your dad said when I screwed him, too."