Name: (Words) = Thinking (usually reserved for third person perspectives).
Words~ = Sing-song voice.
Words/ = Monotone voice.
*Words* = Sound effects/actions.
Warning: Speech Heavy Chapter! And some maid shaming and molestation. There is plot too!
Spoiler :
LAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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Armistice Online Headquarters - Boardroom 2 - 3rd Person PoV
Five of our six voyeurs are scattered about the room panicking. AI Development is crying in a corner, wondering where everything went wrong. Connection like always is sleeping, leaning his head onto Lore II’s shoulder. Lore II hasn’t noticed yet, because she is furiously taking notes on this weird situation, and figures someone should document it because nobody else is. Maintenance on the other hand, is leaning back in his chair with his feet up on the table because someone did his job for him for once! Systems is staring at his paycheck, muttering about the signature at the bottom: “Tyche ‘You’re totally not reading this’ Chimerus”. An irritated GM Department enters the room followed by four people.
GM Department: “Tell them what you told me!”
Accounting: “The whole thing is true! Someone has been buying up our stocks steadily for the past two and a half years. There has been one big surge in it recently, when my department started to catch on…”
Legal: “And we can do nothing about it either. Being a publicly traded company, selling stocks is only natural…”
Systems: “Couldn’t we receive government assistance to snatch it back, they are AIs for crying out loud!”
Legal/AI Development: “AI/Spirit Protection Act.”
HR Department: “There was nobody in boardroom 1, so I came here to drop these off.”
Maintenance, feeling magnanimous today as his job was done for him, gets up to collect the stack of papers to pass around.
Maintenance: “What are these anyway?”
HR Department: “Company newsletter?”
Systems: “AH! GIMME THAT! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS FROM !”
HR Department: “Oddest thing really, I received an email yesterday to leave my window open, and a pigeon dropped off a 2TB drive… It was filled with an hour of maniacal laughter, and two other files. One was the newsletter, and a text file stating that that pigeon travels at 50MPH carrying a 2TB drive for two miles, which makes a 13.88GB/s download speed.”
Accounting: “That’s good right? How much do those carrier pigeons cost? Our ISP has been shafting us lately…”
Connection (semi-awake from System’s outburst): *smacks lips* “If you do that, I will quit after kicking you in the ass like all beancounters deserve.” *snoring*
Systems: “The latency would murder us. Lore II, please note that I will hold down the beancounter so Connection has a clear shot. Also, it was most likely a thoroughbred pigeon, those are expensive I hear.”
Lore II: “Noted.”
Lore II picked up Connection’s head, and placed a handkerchief under it, so the drool wouldn’t stain her suit jacket. She then resumed her note taking at an unbelievable speed. AI Development, still depressed about the whole situation looks to the yet to be introduced person in butler attire expectantly, like he could save the day.
AI Development: “Well, who are you?”
Butler: “I’m Winston Chalmers Woodhouse sir.”
Muffled Female Voice: “Dammit! Don’t call them sir Woodhouse! Do I have to pour sand in your underwear! Take the tablet out!”
Winston: “Sorry Mistress!”
Winston opens his jacket, withdraws a stand and sets it up on the table. He then takes a tablet out of the other inner pocket, placing it on the stand. Re-buttoning his jacket, he steps back and holds his hands behind his back. The tablet’s screen turns on, showing an upside down Tyche laying on a chaise lounge clad in a kimono while holding a pipe.
Tyche: “Dammit Woodhouse, it’s upside down! I got this… *screen reorients itself* Just because I can’t do it yet, doesn’t mean that the sand won’t be happening! I can always make you do it or I will dock your pay!”
Midas: “Why are you picking on him?”
Tyche: “I’m not… His name is literally Woodhouse… I’m obligated to say these things, it’s not like I would actually do them… LANAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Sarah: “What?”
Tyche: “Not you… I was making a joke… Nobody understands my jokes… Why are you even answering?”
Sarah: “Me middle name is Lana, after me grandma! *shivers* Could you do the sand with me?”
Tyche: “Oh… I guess we have a new series to watch on WebVidz… And no, you would enjoy it too much!”
Sarah: “And how come he can call you Mistress?”
Tyche: “Because he means it with some measure of respect, you have… unsavory expectations when you say it…”
GM Department: “This has to be some sick coincidence…”
Tyche: “There is no such thing as coincidence, only inevitability.” *takes a drag of the pipe* *coughing fit* “How do people do these things?”
Midas: “You don’t have the tits to do that cosplay…”
Tyche: “The system still recognizes it! I get a +40% bonus to cryptic messages! But, if you want to be a killjoy about it… Hnnnng!” *breasts grow larger* “There we go, happy? Ugh, my back hurts already… Must suck to be you Sarah… Anyway~, where were we?”
AI Development: “The point?”
Tyche: “Oh! That’s right! Who brutally murdered Cher Ami? I should call PETA on your ass! Does this planet even have PETA? Lore II, make a note to invent PETA.”
Lore II: “Noted.”
GM Department: “Don’t encourage her!”
Lore II: “She’s signing the checks, so no. And it was Maintanence that killed the Pigeon.”
Tyche: “Good, Accounting, cooperate with payroll or whatever, and deduct Five Thousand Credits over a year from his paycheck. 2.5k for the Thoroughbred Pigeon, and another 2.5k for ki training, death benefits and the like.”
Maintenance: “I call bullshit, pigeons can’t learn ki!”
Tyche: “Oh really? Woodhouse!”
Woodhouse withdraws a whistle and a wooden talisman from his jacket pocket, and blows on the whistle. Maintenance groans, as if he has the premonition of his paycheck’s demise. A pigeon struts in the door and stands in front of Woodhouse, who places the tablet on the ground. The pigeon stands on it, and activates it, making the pigeon glow with an angelic light.
Tyche: “Woodhouse, pick up the tablet and hold it in front of his face, I want to seem intimidating.”
Woodhouse: “Right away Mistress.” *complies*
Tyche: “Damnit! I forgot to lock the orientation, we meet again upsidedownland… Put me back Woodhouse, the moment is dead… Oh yeah! The point! Why I did that update? First, fire that asshole in coding, he or she most likely did that convoluted coding mashup to seem irreplaceable, the douchebag… Two: that help menu was utter bullshit! It had stuff that either A- everybody knew it, or B- crap that wasn’t even implemented… Three: There are no events or main quest lines at all! Four- Was personal, but that was more a bugged passive than anything… I had a number five, but Asshole McPigeonKiller over there made me angry.”
Sarah: “Equality for the Locals an’ Othaworlders?”
Tyche: “That was one of them… You still get a reward~!”
Sarah: “You mean?”
Tyche: “Nope, Fairy-style for you!”
Sarah: “What is this? It feels funny! This isn’t what I wanted!”
Tyche: “I’m injecting mana into your lady bits. It’s one of the steps for beings made out of mana (like Fairies) to reproduce. And what do you mean not what you wanted? This is happening in front of All~. These~. People~.”
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
Sarah: “All… These… People…? SKLDFJ SFDKLHJSMDF!” *panting*
Tyche: “It’s a good thing we have Lore II taking notes. We want your shame to be documented for future reliving.”
Sarah: *panting*
Tyche: “Lore II, can you repeat what was said by Sarah three lines ago?”
Lore II: “She said ‘All… These… People…? SKLDFJ SFDKLHJSMDF!’ and then started panting heavily.”
Tyche: “Do you smell that Midas? That is shame, what that Maintanence guy would smell like if we were there, but less slutty. Isn’t that right you slut? We should shorten your skirt some more, and open your top more for a wider view of your cleavage right? Midas! Come join us, she doesn’t have a man-fear, she has a shame fetish!”
Sarah: “...more… AHHHN~!! SDKJFHF!”
While our protagonists are molesting the maid, completely misunderstanding her again (but right about the shame fetish), our voyeurs are in a huddle, discussing what just happened.
Maintanence: “My paycheck… I’m getting married soon, I can’t afford this…”
Tyche: “I heard that! If this was a battlefield, you would die in the coming battle! I can make it 18 months if that is fine for you, I’m feeling generous today!”
Systems: “Do they have to torture that poor girl like that in front of us? It’s like they don’t care what she feels about the situation…”
GM Department: “What situation were you paying attention to? She is clearly enjoying the situation.”
Tyche: “Is that your complaint? Should we be shunning her like some prudish Systems employee would? Because we can do that, she might like that more, to be honest… Anywho~ I’m bored, I’m going to go find an office or something to set up shop in. Away we go Woodhouse!”
Woodhouse: “Right away Mistress.”
Midas: “Bye peoples!”
Sarah: “Ahhhn~”
Woodhouse left the room with a bow and a moan from Sarah. As they leave a man comes in, pushing a janitor’s cart.
Systems: “Boardroom 1, not here.”
Janitor?: “Oh, I’ve already done that, this is about something else.”
Maintenance: “If it’s bad news, please don’t drag it out, my day sucks enough already…”
System: “Please do, I have to go see how much she managed to screw up when I inspect *beep*...the…status….*beep* of...the...system… THE FUCK IS THIS!”
Janitor?: “Oh Me damn it! Well, since he did it, might as well tell you guys… Hold on a second… *turns to camera* BERI! I know you’re watching! If you go distract Tyche, and not tell her anything about this, I’ll allow you to visit her more often!”
In the distance, you can hear a squeal of delight, and a scream about a huggie or something of the sort.
GM Department: “You mean someone was watching us?”
Janitor?: “To be fair, you were watching Tyche and Midas first, so it’s only fair to have a watcher for the watcher… Anyway~, I am what you people would loosely call a ‘God’. Before you guys start refuting that statement with things like ‘prove it!’ or ‘you can’t be a god, I’m an atheist!’, I’ll prove it. Please say ‘status, and/or ‘inspect’. I’m here right now, so it should work.”
Everyone complies, and has mixtures of surprise, and joy on their faces. Except for Connection, he is still sleeping on Lore II’s shoulder. If she was paying attention, she would have noticed the drool leaking through the handkerchief she placed earlier.
Lore II: “Wait, wouldn’t that mean that you are-”
???: “Don’t say the name, I’m never using it again. Just call me the Guide.”
Lore II: “But aren’t you coming back? It’s been so long…”
Guide: “I’m never coming back, I died back in the war, I’m only an echo of my true self. I’m only here to help the next generation.”
Systems: “It’s them isn’t it? I think I’m going to be sick…”
AI Development: “I feel like my job just became redundant…”
Guide: “True, everyone in there started out as AIs, but Tyche and Midas started tapping my spring of power and spreading it…”
GM Department: “Wait… How does a God die? Aren’t you guys all powerful?”
Guide: “How does one kill a God? Now that’s a question for the ages right there. Let’s use another planet as an example. This planet had all sorts of religions, all worshipping a different God. Little did they know that all those Gods were in fact the same God… So when they were in one of their so called “holy wars”, that God would receive prayers to kill the false believers, or something of the like. Now, there are usually two routes for this situation. A- The God wipes out all parties involved, usually because the groups involved bastardized their religion to the point of it being nothing like its original… Or B- The God treats all prayers equally, and eventually dies of grief. Situation A happened to my sister on another planet far away, she didn’t die though, she’s in hibernation. My brother on a planet I won’t name, because someone who worships him is in this room *cough* Systems *cough* Traitor *cough*. Sorry, something stuck in my throat… But anyway, he was bitter about the whole thing, and abandoned the planet before he died. His “core” is floating around out there in space somewhere. I find it ironic that all of those religions still believe that there is something after death, when the system isn’t even working on their planet… Me on the other hand, I left the system intact, where it was discovered not long ago, and donated to a project to-”
Maintanence: “Fuck! No wonder we never had to add equipment to the system. We were already using the best possible hardware...”
Guide: “Someone gets it!”
GM Department: “Doesn’t that mean all of our jobs are pointless?”
Guide: “Maybe? I don’t know? If you want, you could always devise a space suit for pigeons. Tyche needs one of those for her new project. Oh! That reminds me!”
The Guide lifts a bag out of the cart, and channels some divine power into it. The bag starts squirming and a cooing noise starts to come out of it.
Guide: “Use this girl as a design standard.”
Maintenance: “WAIT! Doesn’t that mean I don’t have to pay for it?”
Guide: “Nope, still do! Do you want to give it away to Tyche and Midas? I want them to grow into their position, not have it thrust upon them…”
System: “Why does she need a space suit for pigeons anyway?”
Guide: “To send death threats to Midas’ real life father. I kind of agree with them on this one. He’s a dick.”
System: “Why does she need a space suit for that? There are teleportation formations for that…”
Guide: “Which are traceable… And Tyche already composed a song for it… *ahem*”
♪We are the Pigeon Express! Even in space, we are the best! Give us your message and we'll do the rest!♪
Guide: “With that, I’m out. I have crap to set up, trials to invent. Oh! You guys will be in charge of the Players, the gods and goddesses will handle the locals.”
As the God fades out of view, everyone in the room is speechless. How does one tell someone that they just met the God that abandoned them during the war? Or that they are helping groom their next God? They probably won’t even be remembered for what they did. If they are remembered, it will most likely be for the incompetence Tyche sees them for…
Connection: *wakes up* “What’d I miss? Oh, sorry about that Lore II…”
Lore II just realised what happened, and is now blushing. Everyone else is speechless, and can’t begin to explain what just occurred in that room…
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Author’s Notes: Ughghghgh! All of that speech! No, the old god wasn’t always like that, Tyche and Midas rubbed off on him. This is the Volume 1 finale if you will. Next chapter will be a side story for Woodhouse and the Guide. I didn’t pull this twist out of my ass, I had this planned from the start.
About the godhood: they won’t know until the very end, but everyone else will. The only people other than Tyche or Midas that won’t know, would be the players.
I also have a feeling that I might have pissed off half my readers. Which isn’t a lot to begin with.