Name: (Words) = Thinking (usually reserved for third person perspectives).
Words~ = Sing-song voice.
Words/ = Monotone voice.
*Words* = Sound effects/actions.
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Tyche: “I give my life~ Not for honor, but for you~ In my time there'll be no one else~ Crime, it's the way I fly to you~ I'm still in a dream, Box-Sama!~”
Oh, hello again! We are currently on our way to Chesterwood. It’s the home of the Bounty Hunters Guild. That’s the polite name for the Assassin’s Guild I… my Dad made. Anywho, you can place bounties on criminals and player killers, or go there to collect the reward on the bounties you killed or captured. Hold on a second.
Tyche: “Faster Engine!” *thwack*
That’s Engine, the player that was dropped in front of our house. He’s been trying to get close to Midas and I, to get a twincest threesome. I find it hilarious that he hasn’t figured out that Midas is a guy, or that I used to be a guy. Anywho~ we just need to kill him off in a way that he won’t know it’s us that did it. Bandits will do nicely for that. Why do I call him Engine? That’s easy, why walk when you can ride? Midas is sitting in the box, and I’m sitting on his lap, while Engine is carrying the box. I told him that it was strength training. Oh! That bush just moved in a weird way, hopefully it’s bandits!
Bandit: “Leave the girls, and the valuables, and we’ll let you live!”
Ah, speak of the devil! The loss of the EXP the bandits are worth will suck, but it will be worth it to be rid of the hindrance. I absorb the box into our [Personal Space]... Let’s just call it inventory to simplify things, yeah, laziness is best. As Midas and I land, I “trip” and stumble, and while I’m getting back up, I pop out a claw, and cut one of Midas’ boot laces. Forgive me World, for I may have unleashed Ragnarok. I hop back, and revert my hair to its neutral state: Blonde with Drills, so I have my scepter.
Tyche: “You two take care of this, I’ll stay back and support you.”
Engine: “Aight!”
Okay, while they are charging forth to do my bidding, I will explain some things. Luck impacts EVERYTHING in this game. I’m not kidding at all about that. Those damn incompetent developers put a luck check into every goddamned action taken in the game. Take for instance: I was walking through the woods once when I was seven (the second time), and I tripped over an unearthed chest full of jewels and gold coins… I’ve walked that path half a dozen times that day, and it wasn’t there before. The second example is about to happen:
Midas: “Kyaa!”
Ah~, that girlish scream of his is adorable, it heals my heart. As you might have guessed, Midas just tripped due to the bootlace I just cut. He falls right into Bandit-A, who gets pushed onto Bandit-B’s sword, impaling him. Then, Bandit-B backs away in horror, and trips, busting his head on a rock that wasn’t there before. Bandit-C, not able to stop in time, trips over Bandit-B, eviscerating himself with his own sword. This chain of mass destruction continues for at least twenty more minutes, until all that is left standing is me, two bandits who surrendered, and… Hold on a second…
I walk over to Midas to help him up, and on the way to him, I push over Engine, who died standing with an arrow in his eye. After helping up Midas, I turn around to face our new prisoners.
Tyche: “Okay, I have one question for you, and you may live depending on your answer: Where is your base?”
Surviving Bandit #1: “...”
Surviving bandit #2: “Screw you Bitch, I’ll k- ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
I conjure a portal above and under him, causing him to fall in an infinite loop. Interrogating prisoners: Now that’s thinking with Spatial Magic! Hmm… I wonder how far I can launch him straight up? I release one of the portals. Oops, Wrong portal! I released the bottom one, and my prisoner gets launched at the ground with an incalculable velocity. I step behind a tree, pulling Midas with me to evade the splash.
Tyche: “Oops~! Teehee~!” *bonk* “So~, Where. Is. Your. Base?”
Smart Bandit: “Don’t kill me, I’ll tell you everything!”
Tyche: “Okay, let me clean up here first, and then you can take us there.”
I skip over to ground zero, and start conjuring portals underneath all of the bodies, bringing them into my inventory. We’ll turn them in at the Bounty Hunter guild, to see if they’re worth anything. I summon our chariot, and Midas hops in, and i sit in his lap. I have Engine Jr. carry us to the Bandit base.
Once there, we properly collect our spoils of war, like any sane person would. We also found a few things that will ensure we travel in style: A pull cart, a harp, and a bag of an herb that I will call Fairynip. This trip will be fun~.
We climb into the cart, where I reward Midas for his massacre today with a lap pillow. I reach into my top, and pull out Selene, and place her on Midas’ chest, and slowly rub the top of her head until she wakes up. Once she wakes up, I sprinkle some fairynip on her face. While waiting for it to kick in, I pull out the harp, and bring up some harp lessons on the wifi implant. Engine Jr starts pulling the cart towards Chesterwood while I practice the harp, and Midas watches Selene tripping balls, or tits. Yeah, let’s go with that, Selene is tripping tits.
Midas: “So why are we going to the Bounty Hunters Guild?”
Tyche: “To learn how to sneak properly without skill assist, assassinate people, and whatnot.”
Midas: “So wha-”
Tyche: “There are all kinds of bounty hunters, we’ll find someone for you to learn from.”
Midas: “And then wha-”
Tyche: “Then we will go to another city with an Adventurer’s Guild, and start taking requests.”
Engine Jr.: “How do you kno-”
Midas: “She is 1/64th Cherokee, she can listen to the heart of nature.”
Engine Jr.: “Then wha-”
Tyche: “He is 1/28th Navajo, which can do the same thing.”
Selene: “I can taste what you are saying~!”
Midas/Tyche: “...”
Anywho, I continue practicing songs from video games, while Midas hums along, and Selene tries to dance.
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Chesterwood Gate - 3 Hours later
Guard: “Halt! State your business.”
Midas and I hand over our Adventurer’s License, and he looks expectedly at Engine Jr.
Tyche: “We’re taking him to the Bounty Hunters Guild for the reward.”
Guard: “You don’t have to do that, just leave him here with me.”
*sigh* There are dirty guards everywhere. Look to the left, look to the right, signs are clear. I remember the fact that I can’t summon blueberry muffins, and start crying hysterically. Oh! Looks like the Guard Captain is coming. Thank you MAX Luck!
Guard Captain: “What’s going on here?”
Tyche: “He-he-he said that I should let him take our prisoner, and that I should follow him to an Inn, or else he will arrest my fiance.”
Guard Captain: “Again? You are under arrest! Hold on, let me get someone to escort you and your prisoner to the guildhouse.”
Tyche: *hic* “Thanks Mister.”
Arrested Guard: “The bitch is lying! I didn’t do it, I swear!”
Guard Captain: *thunk* “Shut up you, I won’t listen to your lies!”
Crocodile tears, works every time~. Nobody tries to take my possessions, and I’m sure as hell not pulling the cart anywhere. Our escort appears, and leads us to the guildhouse. Exiting the cart while storing it into our inventory, we go inside. We register, which is pretty much the same process as becoming an adventurer, but instead of paperwork, they use our Adventuring License. Our bounty hunting license is pressed onto our adventuring license and they become one.
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
Clerk: “So, what else can we do for you today?”
Tyche: “Is there a room where we can drop bodies off for inspection?”
Clerk: “Follow me.”
He leads us into the back, to a room with lots of drains, and windows.
Tyche: “We’re gonna need a bigger room.”
Clerk: “...”
Tyche: “Seriously, watch.”
I dump a dozen bodies on the floor from our inventory.
Clerk: “How much bigger?”
Midas: “Big enough to hold a bandit group? It was a rather large one…”
Clerk: “... Follow me, bring those with you.”
I put the bodies back into our inventory, and follow him back into the hallway, where he brings us down a staircase, and leads us into a large room. He motions for me to continue, so Midas and I start dumping bodies in small piles everywhere, while being careful to leave a path between each pile. Luckily, the room was big enough, and there was space for another four piles. I did have to ask for a tub for Mr. Gravity-Victim though.
Clerk: “Wha-How-Why-?”
Engine Jr: “Have you ever seen two carriages about to hit each other, and you know what was about to happen, but you can’t do anything about it, and want to look away, but can’t? It was like that, it was…”
Clerk: “Okay… Let’s take this prisoner to the holding cells, and then we can issue a receipt. This will take quite a bit of time to search and confirm the bodies.”
We drop Engine Jr off at the cells, get our receipt and leave the guildhouse. Now let’s go find an Inn, Chesterwood is known for its hot springs~. I grab Midas’ hand and we head off to the best Inn in Chesterwood.
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Hot Spring - Women’s side
Haaaaa~ Hot springs are the best~. While I luxuriate in the awesomeness of the hot spring, I will explain why we didn’t receive any EXP from those bandits. That whole incident was considered one big accident by the system. The system tracks intent, and if you don’t mean to do it, it isn’t counted against you. Hold on a second, Selene is floating off. I grab Selene, and tangle her in the hair of my right drill. I lean back and get comfortable, now where was I? Oh, the Luck! Midas’ MIN Luck isn’t really a bad thing per se, it just makes him and the people around him accident prone. My luck makes me immune to that, but it has a nice synergistic effect with his. Usually, they would have just tripped, fell in a hole, etc-- but my luck “saved” Midas and I by having them fall into accidents.
Male Voice: “What are you doing here, this is the Men’s side!”
Midas: “Kyaaaaaaa!” *splash*
Midas lands in front of me, looks like he was mistaken for a girl again… Oi! Don’t wear your towel around your chest like that, it will cause misunderstandings like what just happened! I drag him over to the edge, and sit on his lap. Haaaa~ sitting on his lap in a hot spring is the best~!
Midas: *sob* “It happened again…”
Tyche: “...”
Selene managed to get loose, and float away again, which saved me from having to respond. I go fetch her, and return to my seat, where I am welcomed to a world of pain… That’s right, I managed to sit on his staff… Compared to getting hit by a truck, and then falling into the path of another, this is just a walk in the park, but unexpected. In other words, it hurt like a motherfucker!
Midas: “... Did you just? Ah~”
A small wisp of red in the water answers his question. I look to the left, then I look to the right, things are clear. Meh, I did manage to solve the egg cycle problem, so things will be fine. To stop this, I just used [Absorption - Trait] on a falcon. I now lay eggs, so no more period~! Then, I used [Body Manipulation] to seal the oviduct, so no more eggs to be fertilized! We can now fuck like rabbits, and cap our endurance! Shit, I’m using my monologue to delay things…
I try to raise my hips, which is a pretty weird thing to do when sitting on someone’s lap while facing away from them in a hot spring. Lightbulb! I get up, cast some healing energy on my lower half, to heal the damage, and I turn around and sit down on his staff, and break my hymen again… Turns out that healing spells restore the hymen… I blame his shitty luck. Look Ma, I lost my virginity twice in the same hour, be proud of my awesomeness! Shit, rambling again...
Midas: “You tried to heal it, only to find out that it restores the hymen didn’t you? Ahh~”
Tyche: “Sh-shut up! Why do you have to be smart now, of all times idiot? Distract me!”
[Tsundere Hair is the Dere] activates, and my hair changes, dropping Selene into the water again, I fish her out, and put her on a rock this time. I grab his hands, and put them on my breasts, which does a good job of distracting me. Sufficiently distracted, I attempt to rock my hips back and forth, which hurts a little at first, but the pleasure starts hitting me in waves. Pretty soon we are grinding and thrusting like there’s no tomorrow, and the only thing you can hear is splashes and quiet moans. We learned to be quiet back home when we were stuck with using our hands and mouths. Suddenly, Midas tenses up, and with one final thrust into just the right spot, spurts his load, bringing us both to a splendid orgasm, causing me to shriek. Okay, I was wrong about being quiet, I’m new to this… I hear footsteps approaching the entrance to the hot spring, so thinking quickly, I fix our towels, and sprawl out in the water.
Female Attendant: “What happened, is everything alright?”
Tyche: *panting* “I think we spent too long in here, I tried to get out, and slipped.”
Female Attendant: “Do you need help?”
Tyche: “No, I’m fine, we’re heading out now anyway.”
Shakily, we get out of the hot spring, and into the changing room, where we towel off, and put on robes. I drag Midas into the Inn, and up the stairs to our room for the rest of the fun~. After we close the door, Selene finally wakes up.
Selene: “My head hurts, what happened?”
Tyke: “Uhhhh…”
Midas: “...”
Shit! This wasn’t in the plans! Thinking quickly, I sprinkle some more Fairynip on Selene’s face.
Midas and I grinded our stats like nobody’s business through most of the night, and right as we were about to stop, we were interrupted by Selene:
Selene: “You get a stats screen! You get a stats screen! STATS SCREENS FOR EVERYBODY!”
StatusLevel:11Race:ChimeraClass:CosplayerHP:285Mana/Psy:317Resource:---Stamina428Tyche Luck:MAXMidas Luck:MINTycheTitles:Twin-SoulChuunibyouInheritor of MjolnirFemaleIt's a trap!MidasTitles:Twin-SoulChuunibyouChampion of DumbassMaleIt's a trap!PhysicalAgility:24Strength:15DefensiveConstitution:25Endurance:38MentalIntellect:27Wisdom:20OtherDexterity:19Perception:12Spirit:18AffinitiesBacon:100%Muffin:100%Light:60%Dark:60%Nature:45%Spacial:100%Fire:25%Earth:25%
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Author’s Notes: Okay, I think I finally got the Metal Gear Solid references out of my system. Someone said something about the affinities being too high? Well, that’s because they are based off of your knowledge of that attribute. You can either learn/research it yourself, or be gifted by the gods. Wifi implant is strong here. Also, the sex finally happened, which I think I didn’t do too terrible at.