Name: (Words) = Thinking (usually reserved for third person perspectives).
Words~ = Sing-song voice.
Words/ = Monotone voice.
*Words* = Sound effects/actions.
Longer chapter than usual today folks! I didn’t want to have to split this part into two parts,
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Ranch - Two weeks later - Artemis PoV
Tyche: “Ground./”
Artemis: “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND NOW!”
Tyche is currently appearing as a 5.5 foot tall human wearing what she calls her “Vader Mask”. I still don’t know what that is, but she says that she’ll show Selene and I the movies later.. She’s waving her phaser around at everyone on the ground, as Midas (in six foot human form) walks around, binding and gagging our very unwilling hostages.
Selene: “We got a runner!”
Tyche: “No heroes./”
Potential Hero: “GYAAAAAAAA~!”
Tyche shot the runner, who falls back to the ground dead... This is fun~! Is it time for the loot now?
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Outside Peckerwood - Sunnydale - Eight hours earlier
Welcome back! We’re right outside of this town called Peckerwood! It took us almost a week to go back to Chesterwood, and the rest of the time to cross the border into Sunnydale and reach here. These quantum entangled doors are great, no crying goodbyes with Charlotte or anything! We just hop over at night, and it’s like we only spent all day in town or something similar.
Anyway, Peckerwood is oddly disappointing for being a place known for its dairy products… Instead of buildings, there are wagons everywhere, with paths leading to them. Maybe it’s a Gypsy settlement?
Gypsy?: “Yew dew wut I tell yew to dew woman!”
A man with a mullet, in an aptly named shirt is currently beating his wife. Seriously? Can we go home now? I don’t like it here at all! They have a name for people like this, and places like this, but I won’t state it’s name! Lore Department! I know this is your fault!
Midas: “... Is this place a trail-”
Tyche: “Don’t speak its name! They will hear you! Let’s turn around and go back, they might infect us or something! We should think about taking a ship to the next kingdom…”
While we’re at it, we should consult with Charlotte and LIlian, and see about quarantining this whole kingdom, we don’t want this spreading… Sorry Charlotte, not buying any cows here for you! Looks like she isn’t going to be trying any cheese made from cow’s milk anytime in the future… Was that racist? Oops~! On a side note, our Kingdom Fenrir doesn’t have cows, only goats. Goddamned stinky goats… Have you ever ate goat cheese? There’s fur in it!
♪Ba Na Neer Neer Neer Neer Neer Neer Neer♪
Sorry about that, accidentally took out the harp… Shit, I attracted it’s attention! RUN!
Mullet: “Look what we have here! (typing out that accent is annoying, and makes spellcheck cry, so just imagine a thick, inbred redneck accent)
Midas: “H-hello there!”
Nuuuuuuu! Don’t talk to it! That’s how you get infected! I wonder how you divorce someone when you are bonded at the soul? I don’t want to fetch Midas beer as he watches wrestling, instead of looking for a job! Wait… Technically, aren’t he and I brother and sister, AND our own parents? Wait, we’re Chimeras now! We’re practically the same person, it’s more masturbation than incest! That’s right, we are New Age Masturbators!
Mullet: “We don’t like your kind around these parts.”
Midas: “Look, we just want to buy some cows, and be on our way…”
Mullet: “We don’t sell to your kind around here… It would be ungodly!”
Great… Not only do we have redneck asshole here, we have a bigoted redneck asshole zealot… While this asshole spouts off his religious mumbo jumbo, I will tell you my view on religion. Treat religion like your penis: You can think yours is the biggest and best in the world, just don’t show it to me, and sure as hell don’t try to shove it down my throat! Hail Satan!
While the Mullet is gesticulating, and practically frothing at the mouth, I go into [Dandere Mode] and shoot him with the phaser. He collapses, and a puddle of blood starts leaking from him… Oops… I forgot to see if it was on stun or not… Let’s use some earth magic to bury him… Funny story about that, while we were at the Palace, we did attribute acquisition again, and was randomly assigned wind and water attribute. Fire, Earth, Wind, and Water attribute then fused together to become “Elemental” attribute. I should start playing with magic more often now…
Girl: “Thank… you…”
Shit, a witness… Let’s bring her with us I guess? Can’t really kill her, as she seems like a victim more than anything. She even thanked me for accidentally killing her husband or whatever…
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Spatial Cabin - Right in front of it
Whitelist this lady! Vamanos~! Go~! Name required? Crap, I’m bad with those… This is awkward… Let’s heal her, and maybe she’ll introduce herself? Presto healo! Incoming backstory…
Girl: “Thanks for rescuing me from him. His parents kidnapped me when I was a kid, to become his bride or die..”
Woah, I hate these backstory parts… Where’s the cutscene skip button? Wait… Did they seriously mesh Gypsies and Rednecks together. And now she’s crying… Wait! Don’t cry yet, tell us your name! Let’s drop Artemis on her, that should work!
Artemis: “Hi! I’m Artemis!”
Girl: “*sob*”
Tyche: “AGHGHHG! What’s your name? We can’t take you inside without knowing who you are...”
Sarah: “...Sarah…”
There we go! Whitelist her, and have Midas drag her in… Let’s ask some questions here…
Tyche: “Is the whole kingdom like this?”
Sarah: “Like what?”
Tyche: “Racist Redneck Zealots?”
Sarah: “No, just Peckerwood. What’s a Redneck?”
Tyche: “What those people are. Luckily we got to you in time, you shouldn’t be infected… Anything important about this place we should know about?”
Sarah: “There used to be a village here, until bandits wiped the whole place out, and set up camp here, trying to become legitimate…”
Tyche: “Can you draw us a map of where everything is, guards, and anything useful?”
Yes! Bandits! Let’s rob them, then kill them, and steal the livestock! No more goat back home! And we can see if Mousekin like cheese! Catkin like lasers, so Mousekin surely like cheese right? I take out a large sheet of paper, and a pen, handing them to Sarah, who starts drawing.
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Odin Royal Palace
Tyche: “Hi Charlotte! Hi Lilian! Borrowing your lawn!”
Lilian/Charlotte: “Huh?”
I walk out of the room they were in, and head to the lawn behind the palace. I start manipulating the earth mana in the ground, raising a stone wall around a large area. There are also some watering troughs built into the wall at even intervals, and a large feeding bin in each corner. As a finishing touch, I turn one portion of the wall into a gate, and add a cow sized door to opposite side of it, which I add a spatial spell circuit to.
Lilian: “What are you doing to our lawn? The Gardener is going to have a fit…”
Charlotte: “I smell a plot!”
Tyche: “A plot indeed! We ran into some racist ex-bandits who wouldn’t sell us cows… So, we’re going to steal the cows, and leave them here as a wedding gift? Consorts still count as married right? But you get all the responsibility, and Midas and I get all the fun? Yeah, that sounds right… Yeah, and after that, we’re gonna kill all the bandits!”
Charlotte: “Do you need help? We can send some guards with you.”
Lilian: “How many bandits are there?”
Tyche: “Around 30?”
Charlotte: “GUARDS!”
Lilian: “GO BACK TO YOUR POSTS! Charlotte, 30 is nothing to them, they killed over two hundred in one go near Chesterwood…”
Tyche: “Yeah, that’s fun and all, but I have masks to make… See you when we’re done!”
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Spatial Cabin
While I make two Fairy sized masks, and a Midas sized mask, we go over the plan.
Tyche: “Okay, I’m going in in [Dandere Mode], where I will control the bandits on the ranch. Artemis will be BabelFairy translator. Selene will be overwatch, alerting of any incoming, or escaping bandits. Midas will restrain the bandits, and then set up the arch gateway, and lead the livestock through it… Any questions?”
Midas: “Disguises?”
Tyche: “Good idea! [Body Manipulation]? Hair, height, lose the tail, and change ears to human? Am I missing anything?”
Sarah: “What will I do?”
She wants to go back? Isn’t it that kidnapping victims usually want to stay away from their tormentors? Meh, add another mask to the list…
Tyche: “What’s your three highest stats?”
Sarah: “Stats?”
Tyche: “Think “Status” really really hard…”
Sarah: “Dexterity, Perception, Spirit?”
Tyche: “Know what Ki is?”
Sarah: “Yes, my Father was a Monk who switched to Fighter when he met my Mother. I know how to use it too!”
Tyche: “That saves some questions too, gimme some blood! Midas! Find a bolt quiver, and take her to the wardrobe!”
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
The Fairy masks are easy, they don’t require the ki effects, so it’s just a carving job. Artemis gets a flower mask, while Selene gets a full moon mask. I take out my Vader mask, and two other unfinished ones from the inventory, all they need is blood enamel to finish them. Midas takes some blood from her arm, and takes her out of the room. I get to work, mixing a new bottle of Blood Enamel for Sarah, and using hers, and the Midas/Tyche blend for the masks. Sarah will have to stick with a crossbow for now… After I finish, I look up to see a troubled Midas, and a Sarah wearing a maid outfit…
Tyche: “Do I even have to ask?”
Midas: “...”
Tyche: “We can’t keep her when we’re done…”
Sarah: “They killed my parents when they kidnapped me. Can’t I stay with you two?”
Tyche: “... We can give you a shitload of money, and set you up in one of our houses… We can probably even hook you up with a title or something in Fenrir…”
Sarah: “NO! I wanna stay with you two, and repay you for-”
Ugh! The template, IT BURNS! Oh! We have a maid now! No more having to borrow Caroline and Coraline from Charlotte! I hate those twins’ names… What kind of parents gives identical twins practically the same name! I just call them the Maids and get done with it… Hold on a second!
Tyche: “I hope you don’t regret this decision… Midas, grab that headband you were hiding from me…”
Midas: “How did you…”
Midas walks off, and returns with the Cat-eared headband he made for me, forgetting I have fox ears… Well, can’t blame him there, I forget I have them too most of the time… The best part about her being human, is that she is almost infinitely customizable! Sarah puts on the headband, and I hand her a crossbow, a bundle of bolts for it, and two long knives.
Tyche: “Okay, let’s get ready, try to be quiet, don’t use names, and for fucks sake, answer pagers!”
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Ranch - (five minutes before start of chapter)
Human ears suck! Midas and I got rid of our tail(s), and switched our ears to human. We also increased our height, which required us to get used to our new walking gait… We are at the base of the hill with our weapons out, and masks on.
Tyche: “Remember the plan! I have to set up the sound barrier…”
I switch to [Dandere Mode], put on an eyepatch, take out Box-Sama and a pile of wooden talismans. Right as I get into Box-Sama, the system screws with me again…
Cosplay detected! [Ninja] has converted into [Legendary Mercenary]!Passives have changed!
* +15% Stealth > +15% Stealth
* +20% Armor Penetration > +15% Knife, gun, and hand to hand combat damage
* Item/Weapon Concealment > Magic Pocket
[Magic Pocket] Really? We already have that big ass inventory… And the 20% flat armor penetration is way better than the knife, gun and hand to hand damage… I rip the eyepatch off, and tear it to pieces… [Legendary Mercenary] reverts back to [Ninja], and I get my awesome passives back… SCREW YOU SYSTEM! *cough* A-anyway, I sneak my way around the ranch, stabbing the wooden talismans into the ground in a circle around it. As I finish the circle, and find my way back to the gang, I motion to them to step inside. I form the hand sign, focus my ki, and activate the sound barrier formation.
Tyche: “Go./”
Artemis: “Let’s move out!”
See? BabelFairy translator is 100% effective! I shall use this whenever I have to go into [Dandere Mode]! I hold up my fist, stopping everyone. I use [Inspect] on the person in front of us, and see that he carries the [Bandit] Class, and [Rapist], [Murderer], [Thief] titles… Level 10, really? I creep up behind him, kick the back of his knee, and when he falls downward, I put my arm around his neck while holding a kunai, and use my other arm to hold him towards me, while covering his mouth with my hand. What the hell do I do with him now? If I slit his throat, I’ll get blood everywhere, including on me! Oh! Let’s stab the solar plexus! I move my arm from around his neck, and stab down, into his solar plexus, while stepping to the side and gently laying him on the ground. I look around, all is silent, and nobody knows we are here. Yet.
Tyche: (whispering) “Ninja./” *cool pose*
Yep, I totally pulled that off! Hold on a second, our corpse here is trying to get his breathing back in order… I’m new at this alright? I kick the side of his head, resulting in his neck making a cracking noise. I put the body in the inventory, and motion them forward to where everyone is: the barn. Selene flies up through the loft’s vent hole, to land on a beam with a perfect view of the inside of the barn. I head to the front entrance with Artemis, while Midas and Sarah head to the back entrance, and wait for my order. I take out another two bandits, one in the same as before, and the other with a really nice kunai throw as I did the first one. Everything was going fine until I hear a gurgling shriek, and a thunk of a crossbow releasing… Damnit! Really? I storm into the barn, and see a Midas with a blood drenched katana, and a pale Sarah who is reloading her crossbow. I look around, and see that half the ex-bandits are dead already… Really Luck? Oops, distracted there… Back to business!
Tyche: “Ground./”
Artemis: “EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING GROUND NOW!”
Okay… Someone watches a little too much bank robbery movies… I like it! All but five of the ex-bandits lay down on the ground, the aforementioned five reach for weapons. I oblige them, and give them a deadly phaser shot to the chest area. I motion to Midas, and he starts going around and tying hands, and gagging mouths.
Selene: “We got a runner!”
Tyche: “No heroes./”
Potential Hero: “GYAAAAAAAA~!”
Some idiot tried to get up and make a run for it, so I shot him right between the shoulder blades. He’ll have a decent chance of living… Maybe? With everyone either tied up or shot, we start to bring the cows, out of the milk stalls and lead them into the corral with the sheep. I begin to assemble the return gate, as Midas begins putting the chickens back into their houses, and closing the door, latching it. He brings the hen houses over and leaves them along the corral fence. Sarah is watching the prisoners, which was probably a bad idea…
Prisoner 1: “Hey, aren’t you Jimbob’s bride?” *thunk* “Ack!”
Prisoners: *muffled screams*
A bad idea for sure… I motion for Midas to swap with her, and he complies, with a pouty Sarah coming out of the barn… I complete the gate, activate it, walk through and ask the guard present to get help, as I have bandits incoming… I return through the gate, and we start ferrying frightened ex-bandits through to the now present guards. After finished with that, we start with the animals. Real cheese, made from cow’s milk, here I come! Real sheep wool too, and not that itchy goat bullshit that we usually use… Right after the last hen house went through, a worried Charlotte, her maids, and a guard detachment walks through… Damnit, the heists loses its fun when someone cheats and brings reinforcements…
Charlotte: “I brought help…”
Tyche: “Yay… there’s only two ranches left… This way…”
We then proceed to conquer the remaining barns, capturing all the ex-bandits without any deaths… It was no fun at all I tell you… The Royal Guards did raise a little fuss when I had them take off their armor and any markings… I had to explain to them REALLY SLOWLY about how it would look if a group of Royal Guards from Fenrir “invaded” the kingdom of Sunnydale, and looted one of its settlements, bandits or no bandits… I’m not even going to bother calling them ex-bandits anymore… Once a bandit, always a bandit. At least until you gain absolution at the church… At least they make you work for that absolution, there are other worlds where you can donate some money, and say some howdy dos, and BOOM, Absolution!
That “30” bandits turned into 70, with only 15 people who weren’t bandits. I hired them as workers for the new ranch I’m setting up, who were only too happy to have a job as high paying as mine. A normal farmhand only makes 24 silver a year, I offered them a gold coin, which amazed them. What? I understand the value of money here! It’s the fact that I value good workers, and I have tons of plans for this farm… I send those fifteen new employees through the gate, with a letter asking for temporary quarters, and a gold each as a sign-on bonus.
I take out my tablet, and start drawing up plans, concept designs, and to-do lists, as this will be a kind of big project… About an hour later, I look up and see… Oi! You aren’t even officially our maid yet! Sarah, and Charlotte’s maids Caroline and Coraline are circling each other, like they are rivals… Charlotte walks up to me, while dragging Midas by the arm.
Charlotte: “Two questions: Who’s that girl, and why is she fighting for dominance with my maids?”
Tyche: “That’s Sarah… And I have no clue, you should ask her…”
Charlotte: “And why did we invade this settlement, and pillage the place?”
Tyche: “We wanted to buy some livestock and produce… They turned out to be Racist Redn… Zealots… Also, they kidnapped Sarah over there into a forced marriage. It kind of pissed me off, so I did something about it…
Charlotte: “Livestock?”
Tyche: “Cows, chickens, and sheep! No more goddamned goat cheese, and goat wool!”
Charlotte: “Thank the goddesses! No more importing expensive sheep wool! And… REAL CHEESE!”
Charlotte’s eyes just turned into wheels of cheese! This is a template that I will allow not to burn, as it’s adorable. Now the Maid Trio are arguing… Is it time for that once in a millennium moment? It’s like the stars aligned! I activate [Tsundere Mode], and walk up next to the Trio, and swing! *thwa-thwa-thwack!* THREE HIT COMBO! A tear of appreciation for this moment silently slides down my face, as the Trio sink down to their knees, clutching the back of their head…
I round everyone up, and lead them through the gate, to find a Lilian with a questioning look on her face. Once I explain the situation, her eyes turn into wheels of cheese too! I now have a Queen and a Princess attached to my waist, so I drag them behind me as I head to the castle. Go away! I have a ton of stuff to plan!
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Author’s Notes: Enter the Maid Sarah! She will be the ranged Deeps of the group, as well as the clean-up crew. Tyche and Midas are slobs! I’m kind of torn between making her into a masochist or not… Also, the more I try to fight it, the more and more this is becoming a harem… I will say for sure that Sarah won’t be entering it for a while, as she has the whole kidnapped thing to take care of, and becoming a fanatic about Tyche…
Can you tell that I play too much Payday 2? Two zip-ties? Who seriously robs a bank and only brings two? At least they ECMed before they started...
Next time: Crafting, Bath scene, misunderstanding, arguing maids, and plot advancement! Did someone say Gunslinger Maid?