Name: (Words) = Thinking (usually reserved for third person perspectives).
Words~ = Sing-song voice.
Words/ = Monotone voice.
*Words* = Sound effects/actions.
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Treehouse - 15 months later - 15 Years old
Oh WebVidz, how I missed you~! I hope they figure out who the killer is, I mean, it’s pretty obvious it was the Maid. I mean come on! It’s always the goddamn Maid…
Selene: *cough*
Seriously, do people never check the criminal records of people when they get hired on as a maid? That’s the first thing I’d do if i hired anyone… Filthy casuals…
Selene: *cough*
Tyche: “What?”
Selene: “Shouldn’t you be doing your monologue or something?”
Tyche: “I am, if you don’t like it do your own.”
Midas: “Shhhh! It’s the finale!”
Tyche: “Just do a short flashback roll, there’s like twenty minutes left.”
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Home - 10 months ago - 5 years old
*sigh* Attribute acquisition again… Hopefully this works… I send Midas ahead first this time with a note saying “Fire Attribute”. Of course, it’s successful, he can be pretty smart if you leave written instructions. Most of the time. Okay, my turn, hopefully it works this time!
Tyche: “Blueberry!”
[table=black]The Blueberry Goddess is away on vacation. Please call back later. You will automatically be assigned an attribute.Spatial Affinity: You are now able to manipulate space.
For having already reached your personal space, you receive max affinity with this attribute.
Type: Auxiliary --- Rarity: Mythical[/table]
That’s it, I quit! No more blueberries for me! Wait… [Personal Space]? Wasn’t the [Personal Space] we went to with Jesse Spencer huge? Nice~ Since there is no inventory in this game, let’s use that instead! Well, there is inventory-like things, like spatial bags and rings, but the cost to space ratio is horrendous. Anywho~ let’s get to practicing!
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Home - 8 Months ago - 7 years old
I walk in front of my dad, lift my arms and grunt. He gets the message, and lifts me up into his lap. See? This is why I keep him around. I hold up a brush, he takes it and starts brushing my hair. See? I trained him well. I’m debating about stopping myself from getting any taller when I get so tall, being short has it’s uses. People think I’m younger, and I get free stuff, and/or preferential treatment! I think I’ll ask him if he’s finished the project I asked of him. It will be really useful for bringing up my stealth skills again!
Tyche: “Dad”
Mammon: “Yes sweetheart?”
Tyche: “Is the project done?”
Mammon: “Yes, do you want it now?”
Tyche: “Is it built to exact specifications?”
Mammon: “Two sheets of pasteboard with corrugation in the middle?”
Tyche: “Perfect!”
Mammon: “What’s it for?”
Tyche: “Stealth training, the cardboard box is the premier stealth infiltration item. You should make one for yourself.”
Mammon: “Whatever, it’s in the study.”
It’s… beautiful! Just looking at it, I get the urge to jump in it. But I must persevere! It must wait until I’m near the village! This training has no use if there is nobody nearby! I pull up my face scarf, and run to the village.
This was the best idea ever! I’m raking in the EXP for my stealth skills! And the feeling, I just feel one with everything in it, like I’ve attained inner peace! It turns like a dream~. I’m in love~. Crap, I missed nap time. Must make it home, or else I will fail the mission. Avenge… me… Para Medic! I pass out.
I wake up, there is a set of decently sized breasts in front of me. Where am I? Noo! I was captured! And it’s a terrorist organization too: The Demon Unit. It’s two chief members are in front of me torturing me by styling my hair. Nuuuuuuu! Send in the Green Beret new guy, I need a rescue! Midas enters the room, he will save me!
Midas: “Whatcha doing?”
Grandmother: “Playing dress up.”
*GASP*! That’s against the Geneva Convention!
Midas: “Can I play too?”
No! The new guy joined the terrorist organization Halp! Send in that Legendary Mercenary guy!
Fortuna: “Doesn’t she look adorable with her bangs covering her eye like that?”
Grandmother: “Kyaa! Totally!”
What’s the point in living anymore?
Midas: “No, this is better, Twin-Tails is always better!”
Tyche: “T-Tch! S-Shut up!”
Mammon: “What are you doing?”
*gasp* He’s here! Big Dad! He will save me for sure! He walks up to me. Yay! Dad to the rescue~! He pulls out two torture devices. No~ TRAITOR! He puts one on each side of my head, and gives me side-tails. My hair turns steel blue, Dad hands me Mjolnir. I get up and turn to the terrorists.
Tyche: “Any last words?”
Midas/Grandmother/Fortuna: “...”
Tyche: “DIE!”
The ‘Dere is in the Hair: Your personality matches your hair, or is it that your hair matches your personality? It’s a mystery!
Type: Passive/Cosmetic[The ‘Dere is in the Hair] Has been absorbed by [Cosplayer]
Home - 2 months ago - 13 years old
Fortuna: *sob* “Why are they bigger?”
Midas: “Yeah why?”
They are currently hugging my waist while cupping my breasts. Not the weirdest situation I’ve been in, but I’ll allow it, because this whole situation reeks of dumbassedry…
Grandmother: “Nooo! You’re doing it wrong! Use your wrist more!”
What is she saying? Ahn~ that feels nice~. Pinch a little! Harder~! That’s right! There~. Wait… Stop… Noo~. I climax, and fall to the floor in a spasming heap. After I regain my senses, I drag myself out of the room to Dad’s study to grab Mjolnir, [Yandere Hair is the Dere] activates and my hair turns steel blue, and I get a side tail hair style. I go to punis… murder the target. As an afterthought, I stop by our room and change my underwear, as wet underwear gets uncomfortable after a while. I find my future victim in the kitchen, whistling a tune while occasionally adding lyrics about great-grandchildren. I don’t hesitate, and swing. *BOOM* She flies into the wall, and blows right through it. I heft Mjolnir onto my shoulder, and casually walk up to my dead victim, drag the body over to a tree, and tie her to it. For a finishing touch, I pour honey on her. That will show her the pain of not listening to Dad and I’s lessons. Wait, aren’t they my lessons? Fuck, this whole “I am my own father” business is confusing… My mission complete, my hair changes back to blonde with drills. Mjolnir turns into a scepter, that’s it, no bacon or muffins, just a plain metal scepter. Hmm… [Tsundere Hair is the Dere] My hair turns orange with twin-tails, and the Scepter turns into a harisen… Yay~! Dad improved it! I’ll ask him for it too, I mean it was mine originally. Fuck! This whole scenario is fucked! I’ll just steal it if he says no.
Mammon: “So, what happened, and did she deserve it?”
Tyche: “They were complaining about the size of my breasts, and the Ero Demon turned it into molestation…”
Mammon: “I don’t know why you are complaining Midas, but you two do know that you have body manipulation right? Just change it yourself!”
Midas/Fortuna: “Ah! You’re right!”
Ah, I knew the whole situation reeked of dumbassedry!
They immediately use [Body Manipulation] and give themselves ridiculously huge breasts… Yep, a complete dumbass festival. Personally, I think anything over a handful is a hindrance, but that just might be my almost B cups speaking. I swing the Harisen at the back of their heads. *thwak-thwak* Ah, two hit combo! That sound is therapeutic, knowing Midas, I will have many opportunities to do this…
Mammon: “Ah, you saw that I upgraded it for you?”
Tyche: “Yay! Thanks Dad!”
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
I give him a hug, because usefulness should be rewarded. That, and it saves me the trouble of stealing it.
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Tree House - 2 weeks ago - 15 Years old
I’m slowly stroking Midas’ staff as I reposition my slit over his face-
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Tyche: “Oi! Just don’t start in the middle, people will misunderstand!”
Selene: “Oops! Tehee *bonk*”
I grab her head with two fingers.
Tyche: “This isn’t something you can solve with an ‘Oops! Tehee!’”
Selene: “I’m sowwie! I repeeeeeeent! Let go! It’s stretchiiiiiii-”
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Tree House - 2 weeks ago, 10 minutes before last flashback - 15 years old
Midas: “Tyche, do you love me?”
Woah, where is this coming from? It’s not like we aren’t living, sleeping, bathing, and eating together already? And we say it before we go to bed? What, sue me, I do love him. I blame the hormones.
Tyche: “Yes, I love you. What is this about?”
Midas: “We’ve turned 15, and we still haven’t had sex yet. Especially after the last time after we turned 15…”
Tyche: “Now I have a question for you.”
Midas: “Yes?”
Tyche: “Do you want kids? Because I obviously don’t want them yet, and that’s why I’m trying to find the right way to stop my egg cycle with [Body Manipulation].”
Midas: “Condoms?”
Tyche: “Did you not notice the armor penetration passive we got last week? That would invalidate the whole purpose of condoms wouldn’t it? And I don’t even know if it really works that way, and I don’t want to chance it.”
Aww, how adorable, he looks so crestfallen. Should I do it? Meh, fuck it, if anything, we can tell everyone else it’s skill grinding. I push him down and try to open the front of his yukata… This thing is proving tougher than fort knox, the not to the belt is underneath him. Seriously, who wears yukatas anymore? Dumbasses that’s who. Irritated, I take out one of the many knives I have secreted about my person, and cut the damn belt off.
Midas: “Tyche, what are you doing?”
Tyche: “I said we couldn’t have sex yet, nothing was said about oral sex...”
Midas: “Really, you would do that just for me!”
Tyche: “N-No, it's not like I’m doing this just for you! I doing this because you get to repay the favor too, that’s all.”
Ah, [Tsundere Hair is the Dere] activated…. damnit. I try to ignore the shame and grab his staff. I’m slowly stroking Midas’ staff as I reposition my slit over his face. Just as I’m about to start a window appears in front of my face:
[table=red]Greetings Beta Testers!
Would you like to disable skill assist?
This option is for the hardcore players, if played right, your combat and crafting will be more effective.
Warning: Please note that you will lose all skills with levels.
Passives will be fine.
-The DevsNoYes[/table]
Shit, I’m trying to give a blowjob here screen, go away! I irritably swipe randomly at the screen. Just as I get my mouth on his staff… Really? He came from just that? All that psyching up, and it’s over just like that? Nuuuuuuuuuuuu my nervousness! I want it back! Ah, that’s right, we’re virgins...
Now hold on a minute, before you ask “Did you really suck his cock?” I will present a question to you: “Would you suck a cock for a skill?” Because I would, and I did. All jokes aside, we love each other, and we kind of are bonded in the soul, so of course sex would happen eventually. That, and we’re technically shapeshifters, so there is no straight or homosexual. Who wrote that rule? I did, because I invented the precedent, so moving on… Wait… Skills? What was that window I swiped at randomly?
I open my skill screen… Error 404: Active skills not found. Nooooooo our skills! The numerical representation of our cheatitude! GIVE THEM BACK! Meh, fuck it, I can always find other exploits. And this endeavor got us a whole point in Endurance! Yes! We will fuck ourselves until our endurance caps out! Why isn’t anything happening back there? And Midas is passed out… I sit on his face until he wakes up from lack of oxygen.
Tyche: “Oi! Wake up, you still haven’t done me yet! And for this little stunt, you aren’t leaving until I’m satisfied~.”
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Treehouse - Present time - 15 Years old.
Goddamnit! The maid got away! Never goddamned fails!
Selene: “It’s over right? Can you let me down now? Seriously, who are you recounting your life to?”
For being naughty, I tied Selene up in turtle-shell bondage, and hung her from the ceiling rafters. I pull out a knife, and throw it at the string. The string is cut, and Selene falls into my outstretched palm.
Selene: “SCARY! WHY DO IT THAT WAY!”
Tyche: “Why? Because I didn’t want to get up. Midas’ lap is mighty comfortable. And I’m recounting our life to the viewers.”
Selene: “Viewers?”
Tyche: “Yeah, the viewers, Midas and I are some weird Digital spirit hybrid in a mana crystal. There has to be someone watching us all the time. That, or some weird guy is sitting in front of a computer making this up as he goes along. That blowjob scene must have been hella awkw- ACK! Ow! Why!”
The Bastard just hit me with my own harisen! This requires strict punishment!
Midas: “You do that to me whenever I say something like that. You said it was something called ‘not respecting the wall’ or something like that.”
Oh, I’m sorry fourth wall, I will try not to do it again.
Tyche: “*cough* A-anyway… We should pack up now, since we leave tomorrow!”
While we are packing, I’ll describe our looks and equipment! I’m 4’5” tall, almost B-Cup breasts, and I’m wearing a hooded miko miniskirt outfit, with a scarf that I pull up to hide my face. Obviously the hood has holes for my ears. I have leather arm and shin guards, and a vest weaved out of silk from some big ass monster spider. Why a miko outfit? Because it makes me look goddamned adorable~! That, and it’s a clever disguise for an assassin… And I use it to heal, because Midas obviously isn’t going to heal. You can’t cure dumbass, but you can certainly heal it to keep it from dying off. Why would I let him die off? He's my dumbass.
Midas is 5” tall, silver hair, and looks goddamned exactly the same as Fortuna, flat chest and everything, except for you know, the penis. He basically wrapped his arms and legs up in bandages, leather armor, and then put a yukata on on top of that. He says he’s “cosplaying” a samurai and alley brawler? road assaulter? lane quarreler? Street Fighter, that’s it.
Anywho~ it’s bed time, and we have to get up early, Selene, give them the stats.
StatusLevel:10Race:ChimeraClass:CosplayerHP:210Mana/Psy:270Resource:---Stamina310Tyche Luck:MAXMidas Luck:MINTycheTitles:Twin-SoulChuunibyouInheritor of MjolnirFemaleIt's a trap!MidasTitles:Twin-SoulChuunibyouChampion of DumbassMaleIt's a trap!PhysicalAgility:20Strength:12DefensiveConstitution:20Endurance:30MentalIntellect:25Wisdom:20OtherDexterity:12Perception:8Spirit:16AffinitiesBacon:100%Muffin:100%Light:60%Dark:60%Nature:45%Spatial:100%Fire:25%Earth:25%
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Author’s Notes: Yes, I wrote that blowjob scene just to make that “for a skill” joke. Yes, it was hella awkward. This whole series originated on a question I came up with from all the skill whore stories here on RoyalRoad, the proverbial “I would do anything for a skill.” Well, would you suck a dick for a skill? Thought so… Now that I think about it, with the MGS reference, it was a pretty nice coincidence that Tyche has fox parts…
Oh yeah, I also did that skill assist thing, because I didn’t want to keep track of all of those skills. A true Chuuni doesn’t use skills, he/she just pulls something out of their ass, and shouts a random technique name.