It was late the next evening when Nanoc and his friends were summoned to the author’s office. They were surprised by this invitation – the author usually met them inside the book for their rehearsals, and they had never been to his office before. They were not particularly impressed. The office was a small room containing a desk, a few maps on the wall, several piles of books, and a dozen empty cups of coffee. One of them had mold growing in it.

“This is all a bit meta,” Rotcel ‘Loc complained to the author. “I thought we agreed not to do this sort of thing. You told us it would be all fantasy-slash-comedy, none of this mind-bending meet-your-maker stuff. We lizardlings don’t go for meta, you know.”

“I know,” the author sighed. “You think it’s as bad as—”

“It’s as bad as farming!” the lizardling snapped.

“I know, I know,” the author said. “Just hear me out, okay?”

Rocel ‘Loc shrugged and cast a professional glance over the author’s desk. The only thing of any value was a golden pen. She eyed it greedily.

“The thing is,” the author said, picking up the pen and placing it in his pocket. “The thing is, we have a problem.”

“That’s true,” Dren said, pointing to a map on the wall. “That maps all wrong. It shows a round world, which defies all we know about the universe.”

“Focus, please,” the author said. “I—"

“Can I smell pie?” Nanoc piped up. “Did you have pie for lunch?”

“Look,” the author said sternly. “I like you three, even though you tend to ignore my scripts entirely and ad-lib all your dialogue. Even when you refuse to use my hilarious jokes about mushrooms—”

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

“Mushrooms aren’t funny,” Nanoc muttered.

“—and have this long-running argument about berries instead, as if anyone cares if strawberries are really berries—”

“They are! Nanoc said at the same time as Dren shouted “They aren’t!”

The gnome and elf glared at each other. The author sighed and shook his head. It was his own fault, really.

“Come on,” he pleaded. “I need your help.”

“What’s the problem, then?” Nanoc asked.

“We aren’t getting enough reviews,” the author said. “Which makes it hard for new readers to find us. The Banana of Mayhem might not care about mortal opinions, but other mortals do, and the algorithms that run my world care a lot.”

“Not a problem,” Nanoc said. “Just tell the readers that if they don’t leave a review, I’ll go around to their house and fart on their pillows.”

The author considered this for a moment, then shook his head. “The Geneva convention wouldn’t allow it. Plus, how many pillows could you actually fart on each day?”

“Lots,” Nanoc said proudly.

“No. Threats aren’t the way, we need something else.”

“Can we bribe them?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked. “A couple of dragon teeth would be—"

“Bribes?” the author asked, amazed. “Come on, Rotcel, you know our budget is so small that I’m using an old tablecloth for the book cover. And anyway, it would be unethical to offer bribes.”

“So… we are allowed to threaten them, then?” Nanoc said.

“No!”

“Do you know, perhaps if we offer the reader this short book of history and metatheory of—”

“Boring!” all the others said at once.

“We want them to read on, not hate us,” the author explained.

“Uh. Good point.”

The problem was solved, as it so often was, by the magical banana that had started it all.

The banana floated out of Nanoc’s pocket and looked directly at you, the reader. You blink, surprised that the author would make such a bold move as addressing you directly, but that’s what he’s doing.

----------------------------------------

New quest!

The Banana of Mayhem demands you leave a review of The Gnome Barbarian or DIE TRYING!

Reward: 1000 gold pieces. Imaginary ones.

----------------------------------------

The author and the trio of adventurers stared at the words of the quest as they hovered overhead.

“Do you know, I’m not sure that will work,” Dren said doubtfully.

“It works on me,” Nanoc said. “I always end up doing what the banana asks me to.”

“Why?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked.

“Be sensible, lizard,” Nanoc explained patiently. “It’s a magical banana; why wouldn’t I do what it tells me to."