On one side of the barn stood Nanoc; on the other stood Nerak the middle manager and seven of his ghoul henchmen. The ghouls were gibbering and hungry, the gnome workers were terrified, and the middle manager was smug. Nanoc the barbarian was not concerned. He stretched, his joints popping. He glanced over at his friends – Rotcel' Loc was still sheltering under a table, and Dren was furiously scribbling in a notebook. As usual, the fighting would be all up to the gnome.

"You don't even have a real weapon," Nerak said mockingly. "You must be the most under-prepared hero of all time."

Nanoc smiled. "Oh, I'm not a hero," he explained. "I'm a barbarian!"

He picked up the nearest half-built clock and wielded it like a club, activating his makeshift weapon skill.

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Clobbering clock

The big hand is pointing towards the twelve, and the little hand is pointing towards the enemy – that must mean it's clobbering time!

Note: This counts as a club. Bonus damage if you hit someone with the cuckoo.

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A ghoul leaped towards Nanoc, who swatted it aside with the clocking. There was a clink-gloing sound and the cuckoo shot out of the side of the clock, hitting the ghoul in the forehead and knocking it clean out. A second ghoul ducked under the clock only to receive a gnome knee in the stomach, and a third avoided both the clock and the knee and was feeling pretty good about itself when Nanoc slammed his head into its nose with a crunch that made the gnome workers wince as they worked. Nanoc pushed the fallen ghoul aside and slid right into another ghoul, knocking it over. Two jumped him, but he caught one by the foot and used it as a flail.

The largest ghoul charged Nanoc, but the little gnome sidestepped, pushing it on the back and sending it stumbling past him. Nanoc's eyes focused on Nerak.

"Don’t you dare lay a hand on me!” the middle manager warned Nanoc.

“I won’t,” Nanoc promised, then kicked out with such strength that the middle manager flew off the ground and hit the roof.

The sight of their manager flying through the air was met with a few shy coughs of appreciation from the gnome workers, and one was just brave enough to give Nanoc a quick thumbs up. Even the ghouls who were still standing seemed pleased – Nerak was not too popular with them, either. The fight might have ended in a stalemate, but a dozen new ghouls rushed in, pointing and screaming. There were just too many for Nanoc to fight alone. Somebody had to do something fast.

“Dren!” Rotcel ‘Loc shouted from under her table. “Are you going to help or what?”

“Me? Do you know, I helped last time.”

“What? When?”

“With the talking trees, wasn’t it?” Dren said.

“No, that was two times ago! I did the last one, with that snake skeleton thing that came right out of the swamp and—”

Four ghouls caught Nanoc by the arms while two more smashed him in the chest, pounding him like he was a drum. He screamed in fury. Behind him, his friends continued to argue.

“But I saved him from the weird bird thing that dragged him to its nest—”

“But I helped him cut his toenails and that should count twice—”

Nanoc lifted the ghouls holding him using his incredible strength and threw them against a wall. Three more jumped on him and he disappeared under a pile of talons and pale skin.

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“—the giant wasp!” Dren shouted at Rotcel.

“—the zombie accountants!” the lizardling shouted back. “And the mutant scorpion thing!”

“Do you know, it doesn’t count if we eat the beasts for dinner afterwards,” Dren said firmly. “So it's definitely your turn.”

“No, ghouls creep me out,” Rotcel shouted. “Their dirty claws are gross, they’re like shovels! What if they start planting staff right in front of me?”

There was a thump, and a ghoul flew upwards through the roof and disappeared into the sky. For a moment Nanoc seemed to be doing fine all by himself, but then a ghoul bit his neck and blood spurted everywhere. Things were getting dire. Rotcel narrowed her brows.

“Do this or I’ll tell Nanoc about that book I got you with werewolf and the tax collector—” she began.

“What? No!” Dren said, shooting Nanoc an embarrassed look. The gnome hated tax collectors.

“I’ll do it! Nanoc, Dren has been reading about—"

The gnome was too busy going berserk to either notice or care, but Dren still felt he had to act. “Do you know, I might have a spell for this… yeah.. Aaaaah… Serif Kcab’s glowing orbs!”

Bright green lights exploded out of Dren’s hands, forming glowing spheres that orbited around his head like tiny planets. The ghouls still standing looked at the lights, then down at the green goo that was all that remained of the last target of one of Dren’s spells, and they fled through the barn doors.

“I’ve nearly got it,” Dren muttered. His feet were floating off the ground, and his hair was crackling with power.

The last ghoul to reach the door gibbered in fear, falling over its own dirty feet as it raced to leave. Dren floated a little higher.

“Aaah! Are they leaving already? Dren, you can come down now,” Nanoc said, reaching up to grab the tip of his friend’s foot, which was now five feet off the ground.

“What? No! But I was about to—”

The spell failed, the summoned orbs exploding into eerie purple light. Dren dropped to the ground with a thump. Mana crackled wildly around him, turning the air blue and green, sparking through gears and clock pieces, and turning a passing mouse into a tiny silver dragon .

“Do you know, I nearly had it,” Dren complained, staring at his fingers.

“Too late,” Rotcel ‘Loc said.

The ghouls had fled and their manager hung from a strut in the ceiling, alternating between whimpering and quiet threats. Nobody looked at him. The gnome workers had continued working throughout the fight, and they continued working after it, too. Only Larc and Xram, the revolutionary comrades, were brave enough to stand beside Nanoc and his friends.

“You fight so well… and how do you look so good while sweating?” Xram said, impressed.

“It’s a skill,” Nanoc said, pleased that someone had finally noticed.

“You saved us,” Larc said, in awe. “They were going to take us up to the castle for being so rebellious, but you saved us!”

“Oh, that was too easy,” Nanoc said, dropping the remains of the clock he’d been using as a club. A cuckoo shot out the side, and then the whole thing exploded into a cloud of gears and springs.

“No, that was too loud,” Rotcel ‘Loc muttered. “And vampires have excellent hearing. We need to get out of here, fast, before their boss arrives. We don’t want to mess with a vampire.”

Nanoc was not so sure. He’d killed possessed sheep, walking trees, a legendary troll, and even a blue cheese that had attacked him without warning. A vampire didn’t sound too hard.

“What do you think, Dren? Could we kill a vampire?

“Do you know, I figured out what was wrong my spell,” Dren said, beaming. “I was holding the mana in the wrong hand! How very foolish of me… but I’ve never read of this problem before. Do you think perhaps I have made a new discovery?”

“Fighting a vampire is certain death, and I won’t do it. I plan on living forever,” Rotcel ‘Loc said firmly.

“Forever?” Nanoc asked, amazed. A barbarian would never plan on living forever, because where was the fun in a life that wasn’t at risk of ending at any moment?

“Yes, forever, surrounded by my collection of crowns and a few dozen nieces.”

“On a farm?” Nanoc suggested, poking fun at his friend. “You can take up gardening in your old age.”

“How dare you! I—”

“Do you know, it’s still daytime,” Dren pointed out, interrupting the fight. “And vampires are nocturnal.”

He was right: the vampire had been sleeping, as they tended to during the day. Unfortunately, Nanoc had been loud enough to wake the dead. The barn door blew open and a cold wind blew in. It had been day outside a moment ago, but now the village was covered in a veil of unnatural darkness. Rotcel shivered; her breath hung in a white cloud in front of her. Far in the distance, a wolf howled.

Thunder rolled through the air. He rolled a seven, which was bad news for Nanoc and his friends. Thunder loved an uneven fight.

“Ah,” Rotcel ‘Loc said unhappily. “Yeah. We should definitely run. Let’s—”

It was too late.

There was a flash of light that blinded everyone in the room. When Nanoc’s vision returned, he could see a single, well-dressed figure leaning against the door frame. He wore a dark suit and black shoes, and a neat black tie. Nanoc wondered if he slept that way, or had somehow had time to dress. Neither option seemed good.

The vampire smiled politely. His fangs were extremely white.

“Well, well, well,” he said. “What have we here?”