The doors to the Necromancer’s castle opened, and the party of heroes charged in. Nanoc was first. He held a small axe in one hand, and had the other hand raised in a fist.
“Charge! Charge! I… wait, what?” Nanoc yelled, then stopped suddenly.
The other heroes barged into his back, knocking him over. They, too, were struck dumb by the sight before them. They were standing inside an abandoned theatre with rows of rotting chairs to one side and a stage to the other. On the stage, posed dramatically in the light, stood the necromancer, dressed in a black robe with a crown of black horns on his head. He was flanked by a dozen skeletons carrying guitars and drums, and chained to the wall at the back of the stage was a young woman dressed in torn red robes. Her head was low, and she appeared to be sleeping.
“That’s Princess Aiel!” Rotcel ‘Loc whispered to Nanoc. “We were sent here to rescue her from the evil necromancer!”
Skeletons in the orchestra pit band began to play, the music loud and rhythmic. The skeletons on stage swayed from side to side.
“I am Gnos!” the necromancer shouted out in a surprisingly clear voice. “Welcome… to my dread theatre!”
He struck a dramatic pose, hand pointing at the air. The skeleton drummer beat out an intense rhythm that resonated through Nanoc’s body and into his heart.
“You’ve come to take my life!” Gnos sang.
“Ah hah!” the skeleton chorus added.
“You’ve come to bring me strife!”
“Ah hah!”
“You’ve come to take what I treasure, but as you will see, I have pow’r beyond measure!”
Lights flashed, a skeleton smashed the cymbals enthusiastically, and a line of skeletons crossed the stage, their legs kicking in time to the music. The princess, chained up on the wall, nodded her head along with the undead, and Gnos leaped into the air and kicked his heels up. The necromancer cartwheeled across the stage into the waiting arms of four more skeletons who threw him into a backflip so that he landed center stage, still dancing.
The party of heroes looked at this spectacle with wonder and, it must be said, with quite a lot of disbelief. Nanoc stood tapping his foot to the beat, but the others were less pleased.
“What the hell is this—” Nial Liv started, but he was interrupted by the second verse.
“I was born with horns on my head!” Gnos continued.
“Ah hah!”
“I was born with control of the dead!”
“Ah hah!”
“I was born to be supervillainous, and as you can see I am totally killing this!”
The skeletal drummer started a solo as the necromancer began break dancing, spinning on his head and doing the worm across the stage before leaping back to his feet. As he did so, Nial Liv raised his bow. Lines of white energy gathered around the arrow tip as the archer readied a tornado shot. The arrow hit Gnos in the chest, and a tornado erupted around him, flinging him in circles before slamming him into the ceiling, a wall, and finally, the floor. The arrow itself spun in the air, then hit him in the chest, pinning him to the floor. The skeletons panicked, all dropping their instruments except for the drummer, who was so caught up in the moment that he kept playing, the resounding thud and bong echoing through the darkness.
The princess chained to the wall jerked her head up, suddenly very awake.
“What was that all about?” the princess shouted. “Chorus! Get them!”
The skeleton chorus surged forward, throwing bits of old props and painted scenery at the heroes. Nial Liv was already standing out of range at the back of the theatre. He’d never been too enthusiastic about getting up close to his enemies; that was what junior heroes were for. He shouted for his party to get close to the stage, but the only one who listened was the elven striker. Rotcel ‘Loc ducked behind a pillar, and even Dren squatted under a shield of glowing books which sparkled brightly as rubbish bounced off.
Nanoc was far less prepared.
“We’ll be fine,” he called out. “They’re only throwing—"
A wooden leg hit Nanoc in the head so hard that it knocked him off his feet.
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Critical damage!
The HARDBACK spell has saved you from instant death!
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Nanoc dived behind one of the theatre’s decaying seats as rotten tomatoes and rusty metal scraps rained overhead. The leg that had hit him lay on the ground beside him. He picked it up thoughtfully; it was a prop but still a solid piece of wood. His hands fit perfectly around the ankle. He waved it around; it felt dangerous.
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Makeshift weapon skill activated!
Drama Club: While originally intended for a skit about a three-legged man, this leg is highly effective as a bludgeoning weapon. It also confuses the hell out of most enemies.
Two-handed. +3 to concussion attacks. Enemies suffer -1 intelligence when attacked with this club. Instant death attack for Theatre critics.
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Nanoc looked over the top of the chair he was hiding behind and was caught in the eye by an old paintbrush. He ducked back down as props and odds and ends rained down around him,
“Stop hiding, you losers!” Nial Liv shouted from the back of the theatre. “Gnome! Get out there and draw their fire!”
He fired an arrow at the skeletons, hitting one in the ribcage. The skeleton fell over with a squawk, bones flying across the wooden stage. The princess screamed out in rage. Rotcel ‘Loc popped out from behind a chair and threw a spinning metal disc, which smacked a skeleton between the eyes, knocking it off its feet. In return, a particularly tall skeleton threw a pot of paint at the lizardling, sending her rolling beneath a chair. The paint hit the ground and exploded, spraying green paint everywhere.
“Get the skeletons!” Nial Liv demanded of his party.
“Get the intruders!” the chained princess ordered the skeletons.
“Wait!” Nanoc yelled as loudly as he could.
Barbarians were a charismatic class, and a loud one, too. Dren paused, a green fireball balanced on his fingertips, and everyone looked at Nanoc, even the skeletons. The gnome stood up, holding out a hand for peace.
“This isn’t right,” Nanoc said. “Why are you so angry with us, Princess Aiel? Apart from how we interrupted the evil monologue, I mean. That was just rude.”
“It was more a song-alogue, actually,” Dren said helpfully. “Because he was singing. Quite a high sing skill, too, I’d guess.”
“Who cares! We need to retrieve the princess and kill the necromancer head to complete the reward. We don’t make a song and dance about it!” Nial Liv hissed.
“I wasn’t dancing!”
“You know what I mean, gnome! Let’s kill the skeletons and rescue the princess!”
“Rescue me?” the princess asked, amazed. The chains holding her to the wall dropped off, revealing themselves to be nothing more than wooden props, and she stood up. “Why would I need rescuing? Chorus, take five! Idiot heroes, explain yourselves!”
Aiel was a noble by class and spoke with such a high authority skill that there was no chance of anyone disobeying. The skeletons paused their attack, some sitting down, one striking up a cigarette. Nanoc stood, his new drama club resting on one shoulder. He waved at a skeleton holding a trombone; the skeleton waved back.
“Your father sent us to kill the necromancer and take you home, princess,” Nial Liv called out. “And he’ll make us rich when we do.”
“No,” the princess said icily. “I’m delighted with where I am, thank you, and I do not want anyone killing my boyfriend. Obviously.”
The heroes all looked at the dead necromancer, then back at the princess, then back to the necromancer.
“Do you know, I don’t think he’s actually dead,” Dren said. “Look, his foot is still tapping to the beat of the music.”
It was true.
“He can’t help himself,” the princess explained with an exasperated sigh. “He just loves the music.”
Gnos opened his eyes and smiled. “I suppose acting has never been my strongest skill,” he admitted, still lying down. “Can I finish my song now?”
“Yes,” Nanoc said at the same time as Nial Liv said ‘No!”
Princess Aiel knelt beside the fallen Gnos and took his hand, checking he was okay. Rotcel ‘Loc stood sheepishly by the side of the stage. She faced a conundrum: how could they rescue someone who didn’t want to be rescued? She had no idea, nor any training that could help. The Guild of Heroes taught law in great detail but avoided ethics entirely.
“Perhaps the necromancer’s dark magic has hold over your heart, princess? Rotcel ‘Loc asked.
“Do you know, I detect no magic,” Dren said.
“And I’m actually a necro-dancer,” Gnos explained, trying to sit up but finding himself still pinned down by the arrow. “The two classes share some common skills, but the major difference is—”
A second arrow hit the necrodancer in the chest and he fell backward. The skeletons swore and started to throw rubbish again, and the princess ran to Gnos’s side and threw her body over his to protect him. Nial Liv sent half a dozen arrows flying at the stage. They exploded wherever they hit, sending out sprays of ice-cold air that froze the skeletons in place.
“Nanoc! Get the princess!” Nial Liv shouted from the back of the theatre.
“But—"
“We aren’t getting paid to care who they are or wat they want! Do it!”
Nanoc leaped onto the stage to shield Gnos. The princess was quick: she drew a knife from her belt and held it against the gnome’s throat before the gnome could even move. The blade was razor sharp; he could feel a drop of blood flowing down his throat.
“Don’t do anything stupid!” the princess snapped, and Nanoc stood quite still.
Nial Liv came storming down the theater stairs, bow raised. “You can kill the gnome if you like,” he told the princess. “I don’t care.”
“He really doesn’t,” Rotcel Loc agreed, then added quietly, “he’s a terrible boss, now that I think about it.”
The princess shook her head, not hurting Nanoc but not letting him go.
“Gnos is not dangerous,” she said. “I don’t know what they told you, but—”
“Stunshot!”
The blunt arrow hit the princess in her forehead, lifting her off her feet. The noble class was not meant for fighting, and the princess hit the ground with a thud. Nanoc cursed; Nial Liv already had another arrow nocked and aimed at Gnos. Nanoc jumped over the actor’s body, shielding him.
“Get out of my way, gnome!” Nial Liv said.
“You know what?” Nanoc replied, shifting his grip on his drama club. “I don’t think I will! Come on and give me a fair fight if you dare!”
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DUEL DECLARED!
Defeat Nial Liv or DIE TRYING! This seems like a terrible idea! The banana loves it!
Abilities reset!
Fight!