Nanoc threw himself at the troll king, who roared angrily and lashed out with his long, purple arms. They traded blows and insults at a breakneck pace, neither able to overcome the other. The troll king was still at a far higher level, but dork lords were better suited to board games than combat, and the fight was well-balanced. Rotcel ‘Loc sighed, standing with her back against the wall. From time to time she’d flick a knife out at the dork lord’s back as he passed, but this was only a half-hearted attempt at assassination.
“Can we hurry this along?” she shouted out as the troll grabbed Nanoc by the gnome’s legs and bounced his head on the floor with a thunk thunk thunk. “I want to start sacking this place.”
Dren was busy staring at the troll. The scholar had pulled out one of his many notebooks and was recording the fight, although he was occasionally forced to sidestep and dodge as Nanoc or the troll came whirling by.
“Do you know, the troll is still healing very fast,” Dren said.
“Yeah, I know,” Nanoc agreed as the troll slipped on a banana peel and slid into a wall. “Is there anything you can do about it?”
“Do?” Dren said, surprised. “I was merely taking a note. I didn’t realize you actually expected me to do anything.”
“What a typical worshiper of Knowledge,” Nanoc muttered. “I could use a little help here!”
Rotcel Loc sighed. Why was it always up to her to save the day, she wondered? Luckily for the others, she was a wise lizardling and knew exactly what to do.
“Hey, Nanoc!” she shouted out. “Beat this guy before he makes you eat a cabbage cake!”
“Ah,” the troll said triumphantly. “Well, actually, that’s a great idea—"
Nanoc kicked the troll so hard in the head that the massive creature spun in a circle, dazed. Rotcel ‘Loc nodded in satisfaction. Dren shook his head.
“Do you know, Nanoc hates cabbage,” the elf explained almost apologetically. “Everyone does, I know, but he really hates it.”
“Gnome smash!” Nanoc screamed as he activated his berserk skill.
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Berserk ability activated! Who needs size when you have anger issues!
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“Cabbages! Are not! Tasty!” Nanoc shouted, leaping onto the troll’s chest and punching the troll’s head with each word.
The troll broke free from the onslaught and stumbled to one of the shelves set against the wall. Several rusty buckets had been lined up on the shelf.
“I didn’t want to do this…” the troll muttered. “But I suppose I have no choice!”
The troll lord grabbed a bucket and drank from it. His arms grew to their previous, massive size, muscles popping up like balloons, and his chest stretching and reforming to its former glory. Nanoc charged him, but the troll swiped the gnome away, drank from another bucket, and then the third. He grew until he was larger than ever, and his form almost filled the room.
“Do you know,” Dren said, as one of the troll’s legs pushed him up against the wall, “This is only temporary. If we can keep him busy—”
Nanoc suddenly slumped as the power from his berserk ability left him. The troll grabbed Nanoc in one massive hand and punched him with the other, then smashed the gnome into the ground with such force that the stone cracked and the tower swayed.
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Critical hit! You are dying!
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Rotcel shouted out in warning, and even Dren realized something was wrong, but it was too late – the troll had moved at such terrible speed that they hadn’t been able to act. Nanoc lay on the ground, flatter than any gnome should be, blood spilling out of his sides.
“Huh…” the troll said, gasping from the effort. “You have been defeated by… my final form!”
But while Nanoc had been beaten up, he hadn’t been beaten down. He was a gnome with a plan. It was a terribly dangerous plan, possibly even insane. Still, the little gnome was relying on his barbarian class to save the day. He looked at the pool of blood around him and smiled.
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“Would you… consider… me… critically wounded?” the gnome panted.
“Yes,” the troll said. “Absolutely.”
“Yeah.”
“Do you know, I think you’re almost dead.”
“Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah. Now I can do this!”
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Final stand!
Living with one foot in Death’s domain has its advantages! Your strength and dexterity double when you are critically wounded!
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The gnome leaped back to his feet, waving a small fist at the troll in defiance of the enormous beast. The gnome raised his masher over his head, ready to fight.
“Pish, that’s not very impressive,” the massive troll muttered. “I can still kill you with one hit. If this is all you have planned for the endgame—”
Dren muttered a spell from the corner and Nanoc’s skin became thick and leathery like a hardcover book. A moment later, a layer of glowing white pages appeared around Nanoc, forming a shield. Rotcel ‘Loc threw Nanoc a knife, and the gnome caught it in his free hand. A bright blue liquid dripped down the blade – it was poisoned.
“Meh,” the troll said, still unimpressed. “That won’t do either. You are weak, gnome. Your berserk ability was impressive, but my scan skill tells me you can only do that twice a day, and you already have. You’re out of tricks and out of luck, gnome.”
But he was wrong. So very wrong. Chaos, the firstborn of the gods, had spent several enjoyable evenings dunking Mathematics in a duckpond when the unfortunate younger god had pointed out that Chaos had miscounted something. Chaos did not believe in stories getting cut short because of counting, and while she had long been missing from the world Below, her influence remained. All it took was a good reason to break the rules.
Dren?” Rotcel ‘Loc called out. “Are pumpkins berries?”
“Do you know, pumpkins are berries,” Dren confirmed.
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Congratulations: Bonus Berserk unlocked!
You are berry, berry angry!
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Nanoc’s body surged with the combined power of final stand and berserk, his muscles bulging and the veins on the side of his head popping out as blood rushed through them.
“No!” the troll lord shouted.
“Get gnomed!” Nanoc screamed, throwing himself at the troll with such incredible fury that the huge creature fell onto his back with the gnome barbarian clutching his beard.
The troll slapped at the gnome, but his powerful blows just bounced off Nanoc’s magical armor. The gnome grabbed one of the troll’s large fingers and twisted it until the troll shrieked, then Nanoc was moving again, kicking and punching with incredible strength.
“We’re still going with ‘get gnomed’ as a catchphrase, then?” Rotcel ‘Loc said. “I preferred ‘gnome smash’.”
“Do you know, ‘get gnomed’ doesn’t even make grammatical sense,” Dren agreed. “I think gnome-ageddon is—"
The tower shuddered as the troll king beat a massive fist into the ground, missing Nanoc but cracking the stone floor. Nanoc twisted past the troll’s long arms and slapped his poisoned knife into the troll’s heart. The huge beast screamed and flailed his arms and legs, but although his movements grew slower, he didn’t die.
“Trolls are immune… to poison,” the troll king said, although this clearly wasn’t true as his skin turned blue around the wound. “Even… whatever this is.”
“It’s essence of Monday morning,” Rotcel ‘Loc said. “It might not kill you, but it will definitely hurt. It’s nasty stuff.”
Dren gasped. “Do you know, that stuff is illegal in most multiverses! Even ones where the concept of Monday doesn’t even exist!”
The troll groaned, his giant body slowing and shrinking as whatever had been in the buckets stopped working. Despite everything, however, he wasn’t dying. After a while even Nanoc grew tired of pummeling the troll.
“I can’t die,” the troll lord said smugly. We trolls can regenerate so fast that—”
“Shut up. Dren, what am I doing wrong here?” Nanoc demanded.
“Do you know, it seems that physical damage alone will not defeat this boss,” Dren said, frowning. “Even this horrible poison only helps contain him. We will need a new approach. Trolls are traditionally weak against fire—"
“Don’t use fire!” Rotcel ‘Loc shouted. “That damned elemental will burn this tower down and kill us all!”
“No, I have a spell—"
“I’m immune to fire spells,” the troll said cheerfully.
That may even have been true. It didn’t matter anymore. Nanoc knew what to do.
“Dren?” Nanoc asked.
“Yeah, Nanoc?”
“Do you have any spells that can turn this troll into a potato?”
“What?” Rotcel ‘Loc and the troll lord said together.
“Do you know, I can. I used to work in the university kitchens, where they had me turning rocks into food. Rebut’s great transformation!”
There was a flash of light, and the troll boss was transformed into an enormous potato. The new shape suited his personality well, but the transformation was imperfect: he still had a mouth.
“This won’t stop me,” the troll said. “You think this is a victory for you? No, just because your masters, the lizardling cannibals who live in their evil underground empire—”
“We don’t live underground!”
“—just because they hurt me a little, they think they have won? Never!”
“Give it up,” Rotcel ‘Loc said tiredly. “You’re a potato. If you just surrender—"
“Surrender? Never,” the troll lord said defiantly. “I am in incredible shape, the best. People come up to me and say they’ve never seen such a beautiful potato! I have never been in better physical shape!”
Nanoc sighed.
“That might be the truest thing you’ve ever said,” the gnome replied, then brought down his Masher with a splatt. It was a critical hit; the potato exploded, covering the walls, the roof, and Nanoc himself.
“Gross,” the gnome said, wiping mashed potato out of his face. “I hate root vegetables. Wait, are potatoes a berry? Dren, is a potato a—”
“Do you know, we won, which is most surprising,” Dren said, ignoring the gnome. “But I can hear a loud rumbling outside – I think the other trolls are angry!”
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Quest complete!
Congratulations! You have mashed the Troll Lord and completed your quest! The Egareva kingdom is now rid of the troll menace! Return to the king to reclaim your prize… unless he’s changed his mind.