25. MEETING THE KING
In the twenty-third year of his reign, King Naem the Reasonably Good discovered, to his shock and shame, that his kingdom had a troll problem. His kingdom, Egareva, was situated on the outskirts of the Very Badlands, and he was not a stranger to trouble. He had fought off rampaging mega ducks and several zombie swarms during his reign and had faced off both against orcish folk music bands and a small green dragon. The trolls were different, though. Their attacks were more focused, more personal, nastier. At first he thought the trolls were nothing more than silly idiots, but after a few weeks the peasants near the castle had been heard repeating the terrible lie that the king had sacrificed his own son in the dungeon beneath the castle.
“I don’t even have a dungeon! Or a son, come to that,” the king complained to Nanoc and his friends as he addressed them in his throne room. “I tell people this, I take them on tours through the castle, and they just say they must be my illegitimate son I had with a traveling Tupperware saleswoman… and a hidden dungeon!”
“Some people will believe anything,” Nanoc agreed cheerfully. “One of my uncles insists the world is a sphere.”
The gnome barbarian and his friends had told the castle guard of their intention to fight the trolls (‘for treasure,” Rotcel ‘Loc had insisted. “Don’t forget about the treasure!”), and the guards had ushered them right into the throne room.
The king was slumped down on his throne. His silver crown fell forward, light glinting off the emeralds set in its tips. Rotcel ‘Loc wondered what it might look like on her mantelpiece at home. Had they been alone… but they weren’t. Beside the king’s throne stood the princess, and several guards lined the throne room walls, watching the trio nervously.
The king sighed.
His kingdom was in dire need of help. He needed a party of legendary warriors, a team of powerful, wise champions who would stop at nothing to save the kingdom and its people. Would Nanoc and his friends rise to the challenge, ridding the poor people of the terror of the trolls? Would they volunteer their very lives to save the kingdom?
No.
“Do you know, the water would run right off, wouldn’t it?” Dren said, frowning.
“What?” the king asked, not following at all.
“The world sphere that Nanoc’s uncle talks about,” Dren said.
“I… I… I don’t know, is that important?” the king said. “I was talking about the trolls. Please, will you help us? Please?”
“They torture my father with their rumors,” the princess said, reaching out to pat the king. “He is a kind man at heart, and that makes him vulnerable.”
“They say I eat puppies,” the king said, staring at the ground beneath his feet. “I know a few of our dogs went missing recently, but that’s nothing to do with me. Now, I can’t even have dogs in the castle for fear of what the servants will say. It is heartbreaking.”
“That’s terrible, your majesty,” Nanoc said.
“I don’t eat puppies!” the king snapped.
“I mean about the lies, of course. Lies should at least be funny.”
“Why does it matter?” Dren asked. “Surely nobody will believe such obvious nonsense?”
The princess shook her head. The king, already defeated, gave a loud sob.
“Of course they believe it,” he moaned. “People love to hear that sort of thing. It’s too late, anyway. The trolls have destroyed me.”
“Trolls can be killed,” Nanoc said. “Why didn’t you send for the Guild of Heroes?”
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Nanoc disliked the Guild, but this sounded like something they could handle. Trolls were beasts, after all. Easy pickings for a Guild hero.
“We did ask the guild, gnome,” the princess said. “Three times we asked, three times they came.”
The king finally looked up, his blue eyes tinged red with stress and pain. He wasn’t a terrible king, and he didn’t deserve the hand Destiny was serving him. Destiny, eleventh born of the first generation of gods, could be really mean.
“The guild demanded so much of us,” the king whispered. “Gold and jewels, land, and titles… and that was just for the call-out cost! I mean, I know we’re a long way from the Empire, but surely a reasonable price would be—”
“They all failed,” the princess said.
“Three times?” Dren asked, amazed. “But the Guild guarantees their work, they should have kept sending parties until—"
“When the first party returned, they accused my father of keeping a demon beneath his bed and feeding it orphans from the local towns,” the princess explained.
“I never would,” the king whispered.
“Yeah, demons need more space than that,” Nanoc agreed. “They get really big.”
“No, that’s not what I meant at—"
“And then?” Dren interrupted his notebook in his hand. “Please continue, this is fascinating stuff.”
“Only half the second party made it back, and they were all convinced that my daughter and I had been replaced by evil shapeshifters. It’s ridiculous,” the king said bitterly. “Some people will believe anything.”
“That’s very silly,” Dren agreed but stopped writing to make the motions of a very particular spell behind his back. “Absolutely silly.”
There was a pause.
“Did you just cast a ‘reveal shapeshifter spell’?” the princess snapped.
“Um… no? And don’t worry, you aren’t one. None of you are.”
The princess glared at Dren. The little elf just shrugged.
“And the third party?” Nanoc asked.
“They returned to the empire spouting such gibberish that their Guild master immediately turned them into stone and sold them as garden statues. They had been loyal heroes, yet the trolls turned them against everything, even their own experience. They claimed I was a demon, that I was plotting against the Static empire! As if a kingdom as small as mine could ever threaten the rule of Order. The guild blacklisted us after that.”
“Sorry, just to clarify,” Dren said. “Are you the demon in this conspiracy now? I thought you served it? Or it serves you? Can anyone clear this up?”
The others ignored him. It didn’t have to make sense.
“Do you know, we will help,” Dren said confidently.
“Will we?” Nanoc said, a bit surprised.
He had no real fondness for kings and castles. They were hierarchies cast in stone, where any fool born to the right parents could be given too much power. The goddess Chaos had not liked them, either. She preferred a good communist anarchy.
Yet, the banana of mayhem buzzed in its holster.
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New quest: Defeat the trolls or DIE TRYING!
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Nanoc sighed. While it wasn’t uncommon for a mortal to be under the control of a magical item, it was rather embarrassing to take orders from a fruit, magical or not.
“What do you think, Rotcel ‘Loc? Dren and I will aid the king. Will you help us?”
Rotcel ‘Loc caught herself staring at the king’s crown again – it was so very shinny.
“Sure?” she muttered as she tried to count the emeralds.
“Great!” the king said in relief. “Great! Then—"
“Wait,” the princess said suddenly. “How can we possibly trust these interlopers? You, gnome, walk in, unasked for and unexpected, asking for an audience with the king and simply expect us to put our fates in your hands. What do you three want in exchange?”
“I serve Knowledge,” Dren said sternly. “I will defeat these trolls as a service to my god and my community. No reward is needed.”
“But also gold?” Rotcel ‘Loc suggested. “And jewels. Yes, and crowns… I mean, any spare crowns you might have, that is. At least two.”
“We accept,” the king said at once.
“Father!” the princess protested.
The king waved a hand in the air, defeated. “We accept. Should you succeed, you may take whatever you can carry, even the crown on my head. What choice do we have, daughter?”
“None,” she agreed sadly. “None at all.”
“So can I draw up a contract or—” Rotcel ‘Loc began, but Nanoc interrupted her.
“What do we need to do?” Nanoc asked. “Fine a few trolls and shake them until they stop lying? That sounds fun.”
“If only it were that easy! No, gnome, you must seek the fortress from where they come and defeat the powers that command them! It is a most difficult task. You will need help! Captain!”
The beefy soldier who had been standing beside the king stepped forward.
“Captain Toirtap is the most loyal of our guards,” the princess said. “We have full faith that he, at least, will not be turned against us, for his heart is true and strong. He will go with you.”
The captain saluted the princess. Their eyes met, and they stared at each other for just slightly too long for comfort. The captain coughed, looked away, and adjusted his armor.
“Do you have any questions?” the king asked.
“Yes,” Dren said, turning to Nanoc. “Where does your uncle think the sun sleeps if the world is a sphere?”
“I meant about the quest,” the king asked patiently.
“Do you know, the sun would have to—"
“About that contract, can we just—"
“Find the troll cave. Smash it. Get paid,” Nanoc said. “That’s it, right? Easy.”
But it wouldn’t be easy at all.