Nanoc and his friends returned to the Inn-stant to find Reeb the devil drinking a mug of his own beer and staring morosely at the wall. He jumped to his feet when he saw them, tripped over, and then rose again speaking loudly and far too quickly.
"You haven’t left yet! That’s great, don’t go! You would have died! I should never have asked—"
The sight of a devil suffering guilt was a terribly embarrassing thing for all concerned; Reeb had tried to trick mere mortals into stealing from Hell, which was good and fine and normal behavior for a devil, and nobody held it against him. His crisis of conscience was something new, though. He’d never liked mortals before.
Nanoc held up a hand and made a shushing sound, then drew the inn’s contract that he had stolen from the cursed hall of records.
"We took a little walk through Hell," the gnome said conversationally. "It wasn’t a big deal. Go find some pie, devil, and we can talk renovations while we eat."
"Ah?" Reeb said, not understanding at all. "But my contract says—"
"I’m your new landlord," Nanoc said, pointing at the relevant signatures on the form. "Reeb got sloppy and didn’t fill out the paperwork properly, so all it took was a few signatures for me to take over. I own this place now, and I think you should do whatever you like."
Reeb gasped. The devil was desperate to expand, they could see it in his glowing eyes.
"As long as there’s a cocktail bar," Rotcel ‘Loc said at the same time as Dren said "You’ll need a library". They glared at each other.
"A library with a cocktail bar?" Rotcel’ Loc suggested.
"Do you know, that sounds great. Reeb?"
"Yeah," the devil said, smiling. "Yeah!"
Nanoc took a nap after lunch. He felt he’d earned it, having been through Hell and back. He woke to an entirely new inn. There was a cocktail bar against one wall with shelves of bottles mixed with books, and a succubus waitress was making drinks behind the counter. She gave Nanoc a wink that made his little heart jump. Then a scaled hand grabbed his arm and shook it excitedly.
"Look Nanoc! Cocktails!" Rotcel’ Loc cheered. "Debbie here makes the world’s greatest bloody Mary!"
"The trick is to use real blood," the succubus said. She gave a little smile that suggested she was joking, but she wasn’t. "Would you like one? I have a pint of angels tears I can add. They really bring out the flavor."
Nanoc accepted. Dren was also sitting at the bar, reading one of the books he had stolen. He nodded at Nanoc but didn’t look up.
"Do you know, this bar is much better now," Dren said with some satisfaction. "The library is quite good for a drinking establishment, quite good indeed."
He wasn’t the only one who thought so. The bar was crowded with people sitting down for pint and book, or wandering over to try one of Debbie’s killer cocktails. By the evening, every seat was taken and the room was filled with the buzz of happy people. Reeb had hired new staff, too, including an obese bile demon to work in the kitchen and half a dozen succubae to serve as waitresses. The new succubae were rather attractive, particularly for patrons who couldn’t see past the twin dangers of magical glamours and strong beer, but Reeb had fended off any potential harassment of his staff with a simple wooden sign that read Get Handsy Loose Handy hung over the bar. A sizeable rusty cleaver had been embedded in the sign for emphasis. It seemed to be working so far. The big devil walked over to Nanoc.
"This is going great, boss!" he said. "I’m very excited to-yeek!"
The huge devil ducked down, crawling on the floor towards the bar. "It’s Loof!" he hissed. "Run, Nanoc!"
Royal Road is the home of this novel. Visit there to read the original and support the author.
Nanoc did not run. He didn’t even put his drink down as the Inn’s doors burst open and a massive demon strode in.
"Nanoc!" Loof shouted. "Where is that backstabber? The clerks of Hell say you have taken something that belongs to me!"
Loof was a large, wide devil with ivory ram’s horns and a thin black beard. He approached Nanoc in the same way that he approached every problem, which was to find someone with less power than him and then shout at them.
The inn’s crowd of drinkers took one look at him and fled, taking their drinks with them. Rotcel ‘Loc sighed, grabbed her drink, and slipped beneath the table to finish it in peace.
Within a moment, the inn was empty. Nanoc stood.
"I’m Nanoc,” he said, quite calmly.
The devil marched over to Nanoc, picked him up, and shook him violently.
“Give! Me! Back! My INN!” Loof shouted, his face bright red and the muscles on his neck straining at the effort. “Or I! WILL! END YOU!”
Nanoc chuckled.
“You’ll pay for—" Loof began.
“Pay? Sure, we can give you money,” Nanoc said, taunting the beast. “We can give you little money, if it makes you feel better. Rotcel, give me that thing you stole from Hell.”
“What?” Rotcel Loc called out from under the table. “How did you even— whatever, its only lame coins anyway. Here!”
She was a Treasure Hunter, so of course she’d stolen something from Hell. She’d been disappointed: they were only coins, no crowns. She threw a bag of coins to Nanoc who caught it in one hand and the money onto the table. There were hundreds of coins from all over the world, and - outside of the empire of Order - every town, city, village, dungeon, castle, mage tower, traveling shop and haunted forest had its very own currency. This led to great confusion which canny traders used to exploit their neighbors just as the prophets of Profit intended.
“There you go,” Nanoc said with a cheeky smile. “We’ll pay, just like you said. Take your money and go.”
Taunting was a classic barbarian skill, and offering money to a devil was extremely effective and maybe even a little mean.
“Money?” Loof shouted. “You insult me with money? I will… I mean, I—”
The devil was so angry that steam poured out of his ears. He grabbed at Nanoc, who stepped aside. The gnome banged the table and a beer flew into the air. The suds hit the devil right between its eyes.
----------------------------------------
Skill activated: Makeshift weaponry!
Beer attack! Your opponent is temporarily blinded!
----------------------------------------
“How interesting,” Dren said, staring at the coins on the table. As a follower of Knowledge, he loved identifying things. “These little wooden cubes are drits, with seven drits to a bronze doop. This large disc here is a sixth-wonk, but don’t let the name confuse you, because each sixth-wonk is worth seven wonks. Eleven wonks gets a flungo, which is this yellow bar here—”
Loof swore and swiped out blidnly as Nanoc swiped the beast’s legs, sending him falling to his back. The devil kicked Nanoc, his horned feet cutting the gnome’s face.
“—which are gold, or goldish, I should say,” Dren continued, oblivious to the fight. “A pound of these are worth one of these silver clang, although you need to be careful who you trade with because clang are all too often fairy silver and dissolve in the presence of coffee. Here’s a special one! This coin is a zungal-maxoon—”
Nanoc leaped onto the fallen Loof, banging the devil’s horned head against the stone. Loof rolled to his feet, punching Nanoc in the head. The little gnome staggered but then hit back with an attack of his own. Nanoc was small, the devil was big, the difference didn’t matter. While the beast looked like a bear crossed with a suit of armor, he was as vulnerable as any male.
----------------------------------------
Critical hit!
That’s a cheap shot… but we’ll allow it.
----------------------------------------
“Ung!” Loof said, collapsing.
Nanoc took a moment to finish his cocktail, then kicked the demon while he was down, hard. Loof growled and spat fire, which washed over Nanoc without any effect. Loof frowned, shocked. Nanoc broke a chair over the devil’s head, but then Loof was up again.
“—their little triangular coins, which are only used for formal occasions such as when a third son is sent to slay the dragon, but—"
Loof lunged at Nanoc. Rotcel ‘Loc stuck a foot out from under the table and tripped him up. He flew face-first into Nanoc’s fist with a TUNK.
“—this one is a lead plumb which, of course, is traditionally used to tip plumbers after particularly difficult jobs, and—"
Nanoc grabbed a stool and struck the devil with it that the wood shattered and Loof was knocked clean out. The devil slammed into the floor and did not move.
“—and this one appears to be the plug of a bathroom sink,” Dren said, pointing to the last coin. He looked up and his smile faded slightly at the sight of the huge devil laying on the floor. “What did I miss? Where did everyone go?”
“My bar!” Reeb shouted. “My customers! You bastard, Loof!”
He rushed forward to kick Loof’s comatose body, but Nanoc waved him back.
“We don’t kick people when they’re down,” he said.
“You just did it a moment ago! I saw you!”
“Uh? I mean, like, metaphorically. Actual kicking is fine.”
It was too late, anyway: Loof’s body was fading back to Hell, leaving Reeb to face a ruined inn with no customers.
“I’m so angry!” Reeb said, storming off.
Nanoc just smiled.
“All that anger can’t be good for you,” he said. “Maybe cooking a bunch of pies will help you relax?”
“Do you know, he was right to be angry,” Dren said sadly. “I called this coin a droople, but it's actually a bitter-truin. Look, you can see the difference here, with these markings on the edge. How embarrassing that I mixed these up. So… what do you want to do now?”