The giant eyemouth bounded across the wastes and towards the gates of Hell. Nanoc sat perched on top of the beast’s head, using his club and a length of string to dangle a piece of pie in front of the beast. It would open its massive eye, see the food, then blink to form a mouth and leap forward. The world would surge as the giant eye flew through the air, landing with a horrific crunch. It was a most unpleasant ride.

“I! Hate! You! Gnome!” Rotcel ‘Loc screamed, only getting one word out with each leap the giant eyemouth made. “Why! Did! I! Ever! Agree! To—”

The lizardling had much to say about their mode of transport, but most of it could not be printed for fear of setting the paper on fire. She cursed Nanoc, Dren, the monsters, farming, Hell, and Nanoc again as the beast bounced along.

At least the Eyemouth was fast. The route to hell would have taken Nanoc and his friends days of walking, but now they would coverer in under an hour.

“Do! You! Know! We! Have! Crushed! A! Dozen! Ruins!” Dren complained. “How! Can! I learn! Anything! If we! Don’t! Stop! To! Look – look out!”

Their Eyemouth mount blundered into a pillar of rock. Its mouth closed, teeth scraping on stone. Bits of white incisor broke off, raining onto the ground, and the eyemouth moaned in anger. It could not eat the stone. It saw Nanoc’s lure and bounced after it again.

“It! Still! Beats! Walking!” Nanoc replied, although his face had turned a mild green from the motion sickness. “And! We! Can! Ride! It! All! The! Way!”

The eyemouth was not an intelligent beast. It had grown very large following the simple strategy of see-food-eat-food, and so it did not stop to wonder why the food it was chasing was always so far away. It wasn’t worried about all the shouting on its back, either. It saw food; it leaped at food. That was all.

“Do! You! Know! I! Think it’s! Deaf!” Dren said, desperately trying to make a note of this in one of his books. His pencil stabbed through a page as the beast landed, the pencil tip shattering.

Dren stared at it in despair. It was his last one, and the idea that he no longer had a way to take notes sent a shiver of pain down his spine. The devils of Hell would have been pleased to hear of Dren’s suffering, although they would have been too lazy to capitalize on it. They generally didn’t bother going beyond the more generic forms of suffering, such as forcing people to listen to erotic poetry being read out in their grandparent’s voices. That was a form of suffering that made red-hot pokers feel like fun.

“How! Do! We! Stop?” Rotcel demanded.

Nanoc shrugged. How was he supposed to know? He’d never ridden a giant eyeball before, either. Nobody had.

The lights of Hell grew brighter as they approached the city. The screams from the city grew louder, too. They tried not to think about it. Instead, they stared at the black, twisting, sharp-edged towers of the city. The towers were ringed by a wall of metal spikes which faced outward to skewer the unwary.

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The spikes were getting a lot closer.

A lot closer. They were going to crash!

“I’m going to jump,” Rotcel ‘Loc said, and did.

Nanoc and Dren shared a glance and then joined her, launching themselves off the eyemouth. They landed in the dust, coughing.

The eyemouth turned on them. It roared, lashing out at Nanoc with its long tongue as if to gather the gnome up. Then the tongue froze in place as the eyemouth tasted something in the air. The beast whimpered, took a few steps back, and fled into the darkness.

“And keep running!” Nanoc shouted after it. “Yeah!”

“Do you know, I don’t think the beast was scared off by us,” Dren said, surprised.

“Really?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked sarcastically. “Maybe it ran off once it realized how badly Nanoc smells.”

“Do you know, I don’t think so. It doesn’t have a nose. Although perhaps it doesn’t need one to smell Nanoc. You need to shower more, gnome.”

The city of Hell loomed above them. Fire dripped from the tops of the towers, little flickers of light falling through darkness. The city was hungry and cruel, every building straining towards the lights above. It had an aura of malevolence, of dark appetites met in wicked ways.

“Do you know,” Dren said thoughtfully. “I think I left a candle on in my room when I left. I might just have to go and—”

“Come on,” Nanoc said. “The gates are this way. Perhaps we can force them open somehow. All we have to do is—"

There was a loud roaring that made them all jump.

“Don’t worry,” Nanoc said. “That’s just my stomach. Sorry.”

“Do you know, I told you to go easy on the pies.”

But for once Dren was wrong. The growling grew loud beyond what even Nanoc’s stomach was capable of. This was not pies, this was a monster. Worse, still, the growls had three tones. A red fireball burst above them, illuminating the guardian who protected the gates of Hell. It was a dog the size of a house, three-headed, black of fur and long of claw. And sleepy of heart: it wasn’t growling, it was snoring.

It did not need to guard the gates; it blocked them with its bulk. There was no way to squeeze through, no way to avoid it.

“Oh gods,” Rotcel ‘Loc said. “No wonder the eyemouth ran away, this thing probably plays fetch with it. Let’s get out of here!”

She grabbed Nanoc by the arm, but the little gnome stood firm.

“Wait,” Nanoc said. “Hold on, Rotcel…”

All six of the giant dog’s eyes were closed, and its breathing was slow and lazy. One of its heads snorted, and it rolled over onto its back and pawed the air with one giant foot. Death by hound was avoided, for the moment.

“Ah,” Dren whispered. “The guardian of Hell itself! I have never read of this! I might be the first mortal to lay this down on paper. How exciting! Let me get a pencil—alas, no! I am unarmed, but I must make a note of this. Rotcel, Nanoc, do either of you have a pencil I might use? A pen? A piece of charcoal? A knife, even, that I can make a slight in my flesh cut and write in my own blood? I’ve done it before. I simply must have—”

Rotcel reached into her pocket and, without taking her eyes off the beast, handed Dren a pencil. It was already sharpened.

“Thank-you, my friend, my companion, my – wait, do you know, this is one of my own pencils,” Dren said reproachfully. “When did you even take it? and why? No, this isn’t the time for criminal investigation. What do you think this beast is called. Nanoc?”

Nanoc stared at the huge beast and used his identify enemy skill.

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Cerberus

Legendary three-headed hound that guards the gates of Hell. Some people say that his bark is worse than his bite, but those people are very wrong indeed.

He’s asleep. You’d better hope he stays that way.

Good doggie! Good doggie! Good doggie!

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