The vampire stood quite calmly as he considered Nanoc and his friends. He did not seem to notice the ghouls still lying on the ground from the fight or when his middle manager fell from the roof onto a table covered with gears and sent bits of metal flying. Instead, he simply raised an eyebrow and glanced at the gnomes shivering at the back of the barn.

“Oh, hello there!” Would you believe that we just arrived ourselves?” Rotcel ‘Loc tried, testing her charisma. “And that we found the place like this?”

“No, no,” the vampire said pleasantly. “I wouldn’t believe that at all.”

He stepped inside. More ghouls slunk in behind their master. They were worse than the ones Nanoc had defeated, larger, their teeth more-rotten, their talons longer and sharper and more stained with dirt.

“Are you afraid?” the vampire asked pleasantly.

“Yes,” Rotcel ‘Loc said instantly.

“No,” Nanoc said. “I—"

That was all he had time for. The vampire moved so fast they didn’t see him; he simply appeared beside Nanoc. He placed one arm on Nanoc’s shoulder as if trying to comfort the gnome, then hit Nanoc so hard that he immediately folded in two on the ground, groaning. The vampire was moving again before Nanoc hit the ground, moving so fast he was a blur, reaching Dren even as the elf was starting a spell, sweeping the field scholar’s legs from beneath him. The elf’s bag of books went one way, he went another. Rotcel had barely drawn a knife when it was her turn, the vampire backhanding her with two fingers and sending her flying into a wall.

The fight was over in moments. Nanc and his friends were beaten.

The ghouls raced forward, rounding up the other gnomes, pushing them to the far end of the shed, herding them like cattle. A handful of ghouls grabbed Nanoc and his friends and forced them to kneel before the vampire.

He regarded them with interest.

“A gnome barbarian?” the vampire said after using some kind of identify skill. He sounded as pleased as if he had found a rare beetle to pin in his collection. “How entertaining! I thought such things were impossible, yet here we are. I would learn more… but first, business calls.”

One of the ghouls dragged Lrac and Xram forward, holding a gnome in each hand. They were dead still, not daring to look up and meet their lord’s eyes.

“Yes, yes, this must be my defective property,” the vampire said, frowning. “Well, well, what are we to do with them? Complain to the manufacturer, perhaps? Yes, I think I will. You mothers will answer for this. I will not accept such flawed goods—"

“They’re people, not property!” Nanoc protested.

“Oh, not at all, not at all. This whole village is mine,” the vampire explained. “Each of the gnomes huddling behind you belongs to me, and only exists to contribute to my wealth. They make clocks and write erotic novels, which I sell to the Static Empire. It’s very profitable.”

“That’s disgusting!” Nanoc said. “Clocks are the works of Order!”

“Which books?” Dren asked.

“Which part is more profitable, would you say?” Rotcel asked. “The books or the clocks?”

The vampire held up a hand, somewhat surprised.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

“Questions, questions! I can see you aren’t the run-of-the-mill adventurers,” he said, pleased to have a chance to explain his evil empire. “To answer the last question first, the—"

“You’re a parasite!” Lrac hissed, the gnome revolutionary growing just brave or desperate enough for one last bout of defiance. “You take everything from us and give nothing! Nothing!”

The vampire shrugged. “I am the lord of this land,” he repeated. “The lord. It’s what we do. These gnomes are mine. Mine to milk as I like, mine to butcher when I wish. Not that I would eat them, of course. I’d never do that. Gnomes are too stringy.”

“You can boil them—” Rotcel offered, then stopped guiltily as she looked around.

“But which books, that’s what I need to know? Can somebody please—"

“What does a vampire need so much money for, anyway?” Nanoc demanded.

"Do you know, there is no such thing as a poor vampire,” Dren offered. “They have to be rich.”

This was true. Vampires were the essence of old money; some were even older than money. They lived for it, dreamed of it, drew their power from it. As one of the longest-living races, they accumulated wealth through nefarious means and tended to look down their fangs at any race that worked for its paycheck.

“We’re little more than slaves!” Xram shouted at the vampire. “You make our lives miserable!”

“You make this whole thing sound so terrible,” the vampire said, smiling cheerfully. “The gnomes benefit from this arrangement as much as I do, really. It’s a trickledown system.”

“How exactly is it a trickle-down system?” Dren asked.

“I pee on them when I fly overhead. They find it very hydrating.”

Nanoc strained against the huge ghouls holding him, but they were simply too large and too strong for him. One of them barred its rotting teeth at him. Its stomach gurgled, and its eyes focused on Nanoc’s neck. Rotcel and Dren were similarly caught up, unable to even struggle. The vampire lord didn’t seem to notice their discomfort, simply talking as casually as if they were all sitting in his study discussing politics over a glass of brandy.

“You gnomes hiding at the back of the shed can get back to work,” the vampire said with a charming smile. “I know you didn’t do anything to encourage this trouble. Make your quota by the end of the day and I won’t even punish you. Much.”

There was a sigh of audible relief from the gnome workers. They began to work again, their eyes looking downward, their faces carefully blank as the vampire turned to Nanoc and his friends.

“And you three, well, you can get out of here,” the vampire said, as if they didn’t matter at all. “We’ll call this an amusing little misunderstanding. I’ll let you keep your limbs, and in return all you have to do is tell everyone you meet to avoid this village. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Rotcel ‘Loc said at once.

“Do you know, I think that’s very reasonable of you,” Dren agreed, wincing as the ghoul holding him licked the side of his face. “Very… reasonable.”

Everyone’s eyes flicked to Nanoc.

“Of course,” he lied.

He didn’t feel bad about it. Lying to landlords is the sort of rebellion that everyone should embrace as often as possible.

“Good, good,” the vampire said cheerfully. “Then we can all part ways, and everything can go back to how it should be… although I’ll take her with me.”

He moved so quickly that he was a blur, appearing beside Xram before she had a chance to even gasp. He picked her up, threw her over his shoulder, and was gone a moment later. His ghoulish minions climbed off Nanoc and his friends and followed their master back to his black manor.

“Dammit,” Nanoc muttered, rubbing his neck where the ghoul had been gripping it. “Seven times dammit.”

“Do you know, that was most unpleasant,” Dren complained. “One of those ghouls drooled all over my journal, look! Nothing is going to get that stain out!”

“We should count ourselves lucky,” Rotcel ‘Loc said. “He could easily have killed us. Now, can we get out of here?”

“But you have to rescue her!” Lrac pleaded. “Please! You have to! He’ll kill her!”

Rotcel shook her head. She saw the expression on Nanoc’s face.

“No!” she said, shaking her head. “We can’t. We need to run.”

“Do you know, I agree,” Dren said. “I feel terrible for the young lady, but there is nothing we can do. I don’t want to die here, Nanoc. There isn’t even a library.”

But Nanoc was a gnome, and he felt a certain sympathy for his own kind. He was also a servant of Chaos, as far as he served any god or goddess at all, and he had seen a spark of defiant fire burning in Xram’s little gnomish heart that reflected the flames in his own. He had thought such a thing impossible. He had thought he was alone; he would be, soon enough, if he didn’t act.

And besides, the damned banana was buzzing in its holster again. He knew what it would be: a quest. There was no avoiding it.

“You’re right, I agree,” he said to his friends. “We should run. You two get ready to leave, I’m just going to see if they have any food here.”

It was time for Nanoc to save the day again… but this time he’d be going in alone.