12. LEGENDARY QUEST
The world Below was shaped like a bowl, the ocean a swirling blue custard, the seven continents like meringues floating on top, occasionally letting pieces break away as islands. It was beautiful when seen from the sky. So it was unfortunate for Nanoc that he had his eyes tightly shut as the banana of mayhem dragged him through the sky and across the world, from the very center of the Static Empire to its wild and rugged edges. The gnome was at the center of a fireball, unharmed yet very worried.
“Ahhhhh!” Nanoc shouted. “Put me doooooown!”
Nanoc was scared of heights. It was his only real fear, which was strange for a gnome. Most gnomes were scared of everything. He screamed as the banana carried him through the sky, screamed as it dumped him in the middle of a forest. The fireball that had served as his vehicle exploded like an overly ripe fruit, sending damp soil and burning leaves flying through the air. Fire shot out in every direction, but instead of spreading, it contracted, the flames burning inward towards Nanoc, burning away his clothes and all other pieces of his old life before fading away. Nanoc lay face down, naked. His nose was filled with soil and ash.
“By Order’s hairy ears,” he swore, lifting himself up and looking around. “What just happened? Where am I?”
The banana's impact had left a crater with Nanoc in the middle. Mud was already starting to refill the hole, and the little gnome was at risk of being swallowed by the forest floor. He got to his feet and looked around the thick trees around him, which were so tall and so dense that he could not see the sun.
The forest was no place for a gnome.
It was certainly no place for not a gnome alone, and Nanoc was very alone. He had never really been alone before. He had spent his early life surrounded by his gnomish family and his working life being constantly pestered by heroes and co-workers. Now, for the first time he could remember, he was the only person around. Or was he?
“Banana?” Nanoc asked cautiously. “Are you there?”
The magical banana hovered above him, radiating an aura of pleasure at finding itself free at last. It manifested a spark of golden light which it shot into Nanoc, causing the gnome to jump. Ff it thought it could intimidate the gnome, however, it was wrong.
“Dammit, banana!” Nanoc shouted. “You could at least have let me keep my pants!”
Nanoc was naked and alone in a strange place. There would be a phase, later in his career, when his being naked in public was a weekly event and hardly worth mentioning. This was his first time, however, and he found it deeply unpleasant. Leeches were crawling across the forest floor. Leeches.
The banana did not care.
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New quest! Seek Chaos!
The Banana demands you take it to see the Goddess Chaos, firstborn of the pantheon of deities.
Reward: the blessing of Chaos.
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“I can’t do that,” Nanoc said, shaking his head.
The banana created a second spark of golden light to hit the gnome with, but the gnome held up a hand to stop it.
“I can’t. Chaos is shattered, her pieces hidden away by the gods. She’s gone.”
The banana shook from side to side in denial.
“It’s true. She led a rebellion against heaven. She killed Essence, thirdborn of the gods!” he explained. “The other gods broke her into seven pieces as punishment, each piece locked away for all eternity. Everyone knows this.”
Everyone except the banana, it seemed. It had been asleep for a long, long time. Nanoc tried to remember his history lessons.
“During the battle for the heavens Above, Chaos and her army of mortal souls stormed the city of the gods—"
Essence, thirdborn of the first generation, had been the goddess of air and souls, ruler over the Heavens above. The histories of the Static Empire did not say why Chaos had hated Essence enough to wage war on her own family. Chaos was insane, the priests of Order would say. Chaos was wild, destructive. She needed no reason. The murder of Essence had shaken the very universe: gods were not supposed to die. It was impossible. The pantheon had been so terrified by this unexpected turn of events that they had finally united, taking Chaos a prisoner and breaking her into seven pieces, which they hid across the universe.
“—but this all happened at the end of the Age of Legends,” Nanoc said. “Maybe… a thousand years ago? Ever since then, the Static Empire has taken over most of the world.”
The banana made an undignified uurrp sound when it considered these words. It had not been aware of its mistress’s fate. It spun slowly in the air, thinking, before it offered a new quest:
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New quest: Free Chaos!
Free the goddess Chaos or DIE TRYING!
Note: This is a legendary quest.
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The very thought of such a quest silenced Nanoc. He had no idea what a legendary quest might require, but he doubted it was possible for a lowly clerk.
“I can’t help you,” he said, shaking his head. “You need an adventurer, but as a gnome citizen of the empire, the only professional class I’m allowed to follow is clerk, and I—”
He stopped suddenly. He could still go back to the Static Empire if he wanted to. It would take a long time before the Guild realized that he had been responsible for the fire, and that he was still alive. It would take even longer for such news to arrive at the far edges of the empire. He could find work, if he wanted, in some small business. He could keep his head down and go back to filing paperwork.
But he didn’t want to.
“I— I—”
He was lost. He was free. He was a million miles from his family and anyone he had ever known. There was something he’d always wanted to do, ever since he was a child, something he’d dreamed of, something so rebellious that he’d never let it out.
“I haaaaate the Static Empire!” he shouted at the trees. “I haaate being a clerk! I haaate filling out forms in hepticate, it’s a waste of time! I’m born for better things than filing! Order is stupid and boring! Maybe I will find Chaos just so she can break the empire apart!”
His words startled birds in the trees and echoed around the forest. Never had a gnome of the Static Empire shouted so loudly or dared speak against Order; never had a clerk defied their place. Nanoc jumped up and down, yelling wordlessly at the trees, expecting to be struck down at any time by the forces of Order but not caring anymore. He was a wild gnome, mad and naked and angry.
The banana considered the gnome’s outburst with amused approval. Chaos was the goddess of fire, but also of change, of renewal, of rebellion. She liked comedy and tragedy in equal measure. Fire was a fickle element, after all.
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“I haaate Order!” Nanoc shouted at the sky, and the sky did not strike him down.
The banana reached a decision: this tiny, angry gnome would be its new champion and change the very universe. But first… it blasted him with a ray of bright golden light.
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New Class Assigned: Barbarian!
+ 7 Strength!
+ 5 Agility!
+ 3 Toughness!
+ 3 bonus hit points!
New skills assigned!
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“That’s impossible!” Nanoc gasped. “Gnomes can’t… let me see!”
Nanoc closed his eyes and let his mind turn inwards to the soul within him. The sound of the forest faded away. His inner sight flickered, revealing a scroll floating in front of him. He hadn’t checked it in a while. Nanoc’s soul scroll had been filled with clerk-related skills, which didn’t interest him much. The scroll in front of him, however, was filled with a few surprises.
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NANOC THE GNOME
Health: 10/10
BARBARIAN Level 1
Skills: Hand-to-hand combat, drinking, shouting, singing badly, identify enemy, makeshift weaponry, looking great when sweaty
Abilities: Rage! (1 uses per day), incredible strength (2 uses per day)
CLERK | Level 9
Skills: Paperwork, filing, taking notes, counting, boring stuff
Abilities: Speed reading (50 per day), finding forms (10 per day), avoiding the blame (1 per day)
ATTRIBUTES: Currently hidden
QUESTS: None
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Nanoc squinted at his scroll. From what little he knew about the barbarian class, it was based on the strength attribute, and excelled at drinking, laughing, and punching people. The class was not welcome in the Empire of Order. He’d kept his clerk class as well, he noticed. He didn’t know how to feel about that. Multiclassing was fairly common Below, where most people had a primary class that paid the bills and several secondary classess in areas they actually enjoyed. Exactly what these secondary classes were was often a private matter. The orc Elpma Xe was a level twenty warrior fanatic and as far as his fellow warriors knew, that’s all he was. Secretly, however, he had also reached twenty levels in steamy romance novelist, writing under the name Mistress Hearts. His companions often wondered why Elpma Ex had not reached higher levels in his primary fighting class, but the answer was simply that he was writing instead. His secret had been found out by a coworker at which point Elpma Ex had been forced to earn several levels in assassin and one in undertaker.
At least Nanoc's new skills looked a lot more fun than his old ones.
“Shouting as a skill,” Nanoc said, amused. “And… Looking good, too? I think I’m going to enjoy this class.”
Skills were used in day-to-day work and could be improved through use or when a person leveled up. He’d kept his penmanship and arithmetic skills from his clerk class, but he doubted they were going to use them in the forest.
“And new abilities…” Nanoc said, staring at his sheet.
Unlike skills, which were always available, abilities such as rage! were powerful but temporary boosts that recharged during sleep. Set below the new skills and abilities was a notification:
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New quest: Free Chaos!
Free the goddess Chaos or DIE TRYING!
Note: This is a legendary quest.
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“Right,” Nanoc said, speaking to the banana. “A quest. And do I get paid…”
The banana shook. Salaries were a creation of Order, and not for consideration.
“No? But I get to keep my new class if I decide not to… also no?” Nanoc said. “Well… okay then, I accept.”
He felt good about it. The banana was offering him something he had never had before: a purpose. It was an absurd purpose, perhaps, and more likely to end in embarrassment than reward, but it was still more than he had ever had before. It was good. No, it was great.
“So, what do I do first?” Nanoc asked.
There was rustling in the nearby bushes, and a toad as large as a Doberman pushed its way through the leaves. It had heard Nanoc shouting and had hoped to find its dinner. It hadn’t noticed the gnome yet, but each hop it took brought it a little closer.
“Ah… that’s a big frog,” Nanoc said, taking a step backward. It wasn’t that he was scared, only that he wasn’t stupid. “So… what, do I just fight it then?”
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New quest: Defeat your first enemy!
The banana demands you defeat the toad or DIE TRYING!
Reward: New skill
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“Nope,” Nanoc said, and turned away.
His foot caught something hard, and he fell forward, sprawling on the ground with a thud. He glanced down at his foot, expecting to see a branch, but instead, finding the banana itself had tripped him. It looked a little smug about it, too.
“Dammit,” Nanoc said. “I— dammit. Um… can we talk about this?””
The giant toad turned slowly towards him. Its skin was covered in a mixture of warts and tiny mushrooms, and its eyes were large and bloodshot.
“Glup?” it asked, licking its lips with an enormous tongue.
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Enemy identified! Bane Toad - level 3 beast
These warty creatures eat whatever they come across. They are rather stupid, but what they lack in brains they make up for with stomach.
Weakness: Metal
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Nanoc’s new identify enemy skill was working, but knowing what the toad was weak to was of no help to Nanoc, who had no metal. He didn’t even have pants. At least Nanoc was probably smarter than the toad, although that was little consolation. He was going to be a well-informed snack. Nanoc grabbed a fallen branch from the forest floor and stood up, wielding it like a sword. This was a movement made more in panic than anything else, for he had never held a weapon before. To Nanoc’s surprise, he spun it in his hands like a baton, then slashed the air a few times with powerful blows.
“Am I… good at this?” he asked, surprised. “Do I have a skill or something?”
He did.
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Makeshift Weaponry
Anything is a weapon if you swing it hard enough! Improve your skill by experimenting with different objects.
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The toad flicked out its massive tongue at the gnome, but Nanoc deflected it with his club in a fantastic display of dexterity beyond what any gnome had ever achieved before. The toad blinked, surprised. Nanoc did, too. They stood staring at each other, equally amazed. The toad, who was quite stupid, did not overthink what had just happened and recovered first. It launched itself at the gnome. Nanoc rolled away before it caught him, then bounced to his feet and smashed the toad across its face. The creature gave a glup! of protest that its dinner was fighting back.
“That’s right,” Nanoc yelled at it. “I bet you didn’t see that coming, you warty old frog!"
The toad lunged into the air, its great mouth open and eager. Nanoc swung his makeshift club desperately, catching the toad across the face with a thud! The toad fell to the ground on its back, wiggling its legs in the air. The gnome stared at his wooden club.
“Gnomes rule!” he shouted, amazed by his own strength and speed.
The bane toad rolled onto its belly, shook itself, and glared at Nanoc, pawing at a small cut on the side of the head where Nanoc had hit it. He had drawn a little purple blood, nothing more.
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Bane Toad is slightly injured!
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The words hung over the creature in bright red letters. Nanoc ignored them; he knew how the system worked. The toad shook itself and hopped forward. It looked annoyed. Nanoc wondered if it was too late to try running away. He shifted the branch in his hand, getting a better grip. The toad tensed itself up, ready to leap.
“Glup!”
“I’m not food!” Nanoc shouted at it.
He leaped forward and whacked the bane toad on the head. The beast reared back, and Nanoc barged into it with his shoulder, sending it tumbling. Nanoc was on it at once, smashing it so hard that the branch in his hand broke. He looked around and found another which worked equally well.
“Batter’s up!” Nanoc said, waving the club.
“Glup!” the toad repeated, not giving up. “Glup!”
It licked its lips. Nanoc could almost feel its hunger.
“Die!” Nanoc said, poking the toad with his club.
But the toad did not die. Instead, it opened its mouth, and its long tongue lashed out and caught Nanoc by the chest, the sticky end attaching itself with an iron grip. Nanoc dropped to his knees and grabbed a tree root as the toad tried to reel him in. Its tongue stretched and strained like an elastic, ready to snap. It was too strong; Nanoc let go of the root and was pulled through the air like the world’s most misshappen arrow, his feet slamming right between the toad’s massive eyes. As he did so, he activated his incredible strength ability.
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Critical hit!
Bane Toad is concussed!
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The toad fell over, its back legs kicking the air futilely. Nanoc stared at it in disbelief. He got to his feet and winced, hopping in circles as he clutched his left foot.
“Dammit, banana!” he shouted. “You can’t expect me to beat a toad like that alone. I’m only a level one!”
He kicked the comatose toad with his good foot, overbalanced, and fell backward into the mud. As he was getting up, a second bane toad bounced out of the bushes. It was twice as large as the one he had defeated and had a set of sharp antlers growing from its head. It glanced at its fallen comrade with cold-blooded disdain, then turned its attention to Nanoc, thinking of its stomach rather than its species. It croaked eagerly, pawing at the ground.
Nanoc raised his branch.
“I’ve beaten one of you, and you’re next! You’d better run, ugly!” the gnome shouted out.
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Intimidation check: Failed!
The toad is not scared of you!