The gates of Hell are guarded by the three-headed hound, Cerberus. Everyone knows this, but not many people know why. The devils themselves were not sure. After all, it was not like they wanted to keep mortals out of Hell, and the walls kept most monsters out, yet Cerberus still guarded the gates. The devils had never intended to adopt a pet, but Cerberus had followed them home from the underworld one day, playfully nibbling at their hooves and howling at the fire. Even immortal fiends like devils couldn’t say ‘no’ to his big puppy eyes – all six of them. Chaos herself had created Cerberus – she had created all dogs, instilling them with many of her own characteristics which explained their high charisma, their extreme loyalty in times of need, and their annoying tendency to eat shoes and sleep on the couch. Cerberus had been her first attempt at canine creation, but she had soon realized that the three-headed dog was too large, too strong, and that three heads was really just asking for trouble. She had released her prototype hound into the world, and they had made their way down to Hell, where it was warm and there were monsters to eat.
The city of devils had welcomed the giant hound with open arms, but after Cerberus had wet the carpet one time too many (and nobody wets the carpet more convincingly than a ten-ton puppy), the devils had sent the hound outside to think about what they had done. But Cerberus did not think about what they had done, or if they did, they did not appear to regret it. The big hound mostly lounged around by the gates, chasing down eyemouths and barking at the terrible fiends that lived around Hell. Over the millennia, Cerberus had grown bigger and bigger until they were a mountain of fur and paws topped with three huge heads. Their teeth were as long as swords, their noses as wet as kitchen sponges.
“Are we going to fight it?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked nervously.
“Fight a dog? Are you mad?” Nanoc demanded. “Dogs are humans’ best friends, you know, and anything who can put up with humans must be a saint. No, let’s sneak around. Here, I can use my bone basher club to entice—”
Cerberus rolled over onto their back and reached out one long leg. The back of a massive paw came down on Nanoc, slamming him to the ground and pinning him there. The long bone of the bone basher club went skittering over the ground and landed at Rotcel ‘Locs feet. She picked it up, waving it uncertainly. Cerberus snorted but did not wake.
“Do you know, I think we might need a better plan,” Dren suggested cautiously. “Nanoc, are you still alive down there?”
There was a muffled sneeze from beneath the huge paw. Nanoc was alive. He was also allergic to hell fiends. He let out a long, muffled curse, but luckily, none of his words could be heard. Rotcel ‘Loc grabbed the huge paw and tried to move it, but she simply wasn’t strong enough.
“Do you know, I’ve always loved dogs. Let me try something…”
Dren tickled Cerberus along their side. The massive puppy groaned, kicking the air as they dreamed of chasing giant eyes, then rolled over.
Onto Rotcel.
“No, no, no—”
The lizardling was trapped under the dog’s huge body, taking Nanoc’s bone basher with her. Nanoc emerged from under the beast’s paw, his face red from the effort of it.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
“I had to use all my incredible strength abilities to escape,” he whispered. “If I wasn’t a barbarian, I would be—”
“Do you know, please be quiet!” Dren whispered.
He was patting Cerberus’s side, trying to get the hound to roll off Rotcel. Nanoc saw what he was doing and helped, patting and stroking. Cerberus sighed and curled into a ball, freeing Rotcel. She emerged, dog hair caught to her many scales.
“That was close,” she said. “I—”
Nanoc sneezed so loudly that his whole body jumped off the ground. Rotcel ‘Loc grabbed the gnome around the face to try and keep the sneezes from escaping, but it was too late.
It was too late.
“Wroof”? Cerberus’s middle head demanded sleepily, then the others added “Wroof? Wroof?” in a chorus.
“Nanoc, you have high charisma – try and calm it down,” Rotcel ‘Loc suggested desperately.
“I think that takes a special ability or something,” Nanoc said.
“So? Do you have a better idea? The worse case scenario is that it eats you while I escape.”
“Do you know, I can try. I have a calm animal skill.”
“Really?” Rotcel ‘Loc said, surprised that the field scholar had a practical skill.
“Of course,” Dren said. “All elves are good with animals, you know. I had a pet book worm back in the library. I used to feed it romance novels when it got hungry.”
“Then…” Rotcel said, waving Dren forward.
“What? No, I’m not going to share one of my books with—ah, no, I see what you mean. A different animal needs a different approach. Yes, let’s try this.”
The elf approached Cerberus. The giant dog was stirring, pawing at the air with its massive iron talons. Dren made a gentle shushing sound as he activated his calm animal ability. Cerberus’s long tail flicked in the air, and one head growled. Dren shushed a little louder. The tail flicked back and forth, wagging. The beast’s three heads fell asleep again, one by one. Dren patted the nearest head. Then he climbed over the hound to the other side.
“Okay,” the elf said quietly. “The gates on this side. Climb over.”
Rotcel ‘Loc passed the bone basher club back to Nanoc, then walked behind the elf as quickly as she could, not looking at the giant dog. Nanoc was next. He nimbly climbed over the huge hound, careful not to wake it, and jumped down next to Dren.
“Easy,” he said. “I—”
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Dexterity test: FAIL!
Way to fall over your own feet!
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He tripped over and planted his face on the ground with a thud. One of Cerberus’s heads opened a huge eye and stared at Nanoc.
“Wroof?” the head asked quietly, more surprised than annoyed. Cerberus wasn’t used to dinner coming to them.
Dren shushed some more. This time the head did not sleep.
“Do you know, we’re just here to bring you a treat,” Dren said quickly. “Right, Rotcel?”
“Ah… right, exactly. A treat. Nanoc? Nanoc?”
“Sure,” Nanoc said sadly, knowing what he had to do. He passed his bone basher to the giant head.
Cerberus bit down on it, hard. There was a snap and a pleased growling.
“Do you know, we expect you to share this with your friends,” Dren said sternly.
“Wroof!”
“Really? Well… fair enough, then. We wouldn’t want to wake them, anyway.”
They backed away as slowly as they dared until they reached the gates to Hell. That was their next problem: the gates were at least ten feet tall and built of ancient black stone. They were closed, of course. The devils had grown tired of Cerberus coming into the city and chasing souls through the streets.
“How do we get through?” Rotcel ‘Loc whispered, brushing her fingers over the metal.
The gate swung open just enough to squeeze through. Rotcel stared at her fingers in wonder, but it hadn’t been her that had opened the gates of Hell. An imp’s head appeared in the opening. He had long ears and big red eyes which glared out like flashlights.
“Hey, you three!” he called. “Are you the foolish mortals Reeb sent? You must be, no one else is mad enough to break into Hell. Get over here right now before anyone else sees you!”