It was a cold day, with thick clouds hugging the ground as if they were suddently scared of heights. Nanoc and his friends had been traveling deep into the heart of the Very Badlands, seeking new things to punch, learn, or steal. The Very Badlands had lived up to its reputation by providing all three in droves.

“Gnomeageddon!” Nanoc shouted at his latest foe, an eight-foot treeman with a dozen long wooden arms.

Nanoc was hanging from the treeman’s lichen beard while punching its face. The great wooden monster was beginning to panic as it face the wrath of the universe’s only gnome barbarian.

“Do you know, I think this tree might be an endangered species. Try and get an undamaged branch or two for me to look at, would you? Do it for science, Nanoc!” Dren shouted out.

“No, leave the poor tree monster alone, would you? We don’t even need the kindling,” Rotcel ‘Loc said, annoyed. The lizardling treasure hunter was sitting on a stone a safe distance away, cleaning dirt out of her talons with a knife.

“It attacked me first, Rotcel!”

This was true. The treeman was an ambush predator that used the bodies of its foes as compost – the larger the heap, the more likely it would attract a treelady– and it had expected the three travelers to be easy marks. It had been wrong. This was the sort of mistake a treeman would only make once.

“Do you know, all I requested is an undamaged branch,” Dren complained as the gnome and tree spun past, each trying to strangle the other. “That’s not so much to ask, is it? All of these ones you are throwing down are broken!”

Nanoc had been slowly whittling the tree-man down by pulling branches off and using them as clubs so that the tree was being destroyed by its own detached limbs. This could have been a grim sight, but don’t feel sorry for the treeman – he had recently eaten a puppy. He was a bad tree.

“Die, you foul green beast!” Nanoc shouted as the treeman tried to bite his head off. “I shall defeat you and leave this forest safer!”

“This is unnecessary!” Rotcel ‘Loc complained loudly. “The tree is so slow we can just walk away! Let’s go find somewhere warm and dry, Nanoc, my scales are freezing off!”

Nanoc screamed and punched the treeman so hard that his trunk split and the beast toppeled over, smashing into pieces. Nanoc landed on the roots, kicking them a few times, but the treeman was dead.

“Got it!” Nanoc said triumphantly, taking a bough.

“Well done,” Rotcel ‘Loc said, rolling her eyes. “And what’s our reward? Moss?”

“I think I saw a bird’s nest on the upper branches; there may be eggs,” Nanoc said, and the lizardling’s eyes brightened.

“Breakfast!”

“Do you know, it was and endangered species,” Dren said, examining the fallen tree. The others ignored him. Lots of species became endangered after meeting Nanoc.

“I went up a level!” Nanoc said triumphantly. “That makes me level seven! I was a level three after the toads, then level four from Mary’s lamb, then level five from the trolls and level six from the… you know, the thing with the land fish—"

All three of them shuddered in unison. Dren turned pale, and Rotcel dropped the egg she was holding. It smashed on her foot, but she didn’t seem to notice.

“We agreed not to talk about the land fish,” Rotcel ‘Loc growled, rubbing a long cut across her neck that was only beginning to heal. “I never want to hear about the land fish again. Ever.”

“Ever,” Dren repeated, poking at a set of teeth marks in his robe. “Do you know, it hurts me to say it, but some things are best forgotten, and the land fish are one of those things.”

“—I mean, sure,” Nanoc said. “So I reached level six after that thing we don’t talk about—”

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

“No! Even saying we’re not talking about it makes me think about what we’re not talking about!” Rotcel ‘Loc snapped. “Just… it never happened, okay? Ever. You jumped two levels from the trolls.”

“Indeed,” Dren agreed, looking down at his feet. “And let us never even not mention this again. Please.”

The incident with the land fish had been so terrible that Dren only took the briefest set of notes and hadn’t complained when Nanoc had set it on fire

The less said about this all, the better.

“Okay, so I got to level six from the trolls… and now level seven from this tree thing!” Nanoc said. “And nothing happened between those two things, so now we can never think about it, right?”

But it was too late.

“Remember the flippers?” Dren asked, shuddering. “Remember the dancing? The romance?”

They stood in horrified contemplation of what they had seen, of what they had done. It had been terrible. Weaker mortals would not have survived; stronger mortals would not have wanted to survive. Nanoc and his friends were just mid-range enough to make it through.

“Anyway, I’ve got a new ability to select! I—”

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Congratulations! You have a new ability!

The banana will select one for you…

It has chosen Inn-stant!

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“Ah,” Nanoc said, a little letdown. He had been hoping to select his own ability. He’d been thinking about some kind of powerful attack, or maybe something to do with jumping. That would have been fun. Stupid banana.

“What did you select?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked curiously.

“I have no idea! I just got it! Stand back, I’m going to test it!”

“No!” Rotcel ‘Loc said as Dren dived for cover.

Nanoc used his new skill, Inn-stant.

A high pitched deee deee deee, dooo dooo doo sounded out like an alarm. This sped up to deedeedoodododoo. Rotcel ‘Loc lay on the ground and cursed, and the sound switched to a deep, ominous doododoo.

Then silence. Nothing happened. Nanoc looked around expectantly.

Nothing continued to happen for quite some time.

“Ah,” Nanoc said. “Maybe it's broken or—?”

“Can anyone else hear that?” Rotcel ‘Loc asked. “A sort of… whistling sound?

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m sure I can hear – hey, can you see something up there?”

“Is it a bird? Is it an angel?” Dren asked excitedly.

“No, it’s a… building?”

A wide stone building was falling through the sky in pieces. The ground shook as the foundations and flagstones landed. The walls and front door followed, sending a wave of dust flying outward, and finally, the roof dropped on with the clunk thunk tunk of tiles. No building should be able to survive such a drop – it should have been a crater or at least a ruin. When the dust finally cleared, however, the building was quite intact. They wouldn’t have believed it if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes.

“We should run,” Rotcel ‘Loc said. “Nothing good comes from magical buildings falling from the sky.”

“Come on,” Nanoc said. “Of course, we’re going in.”

“Do you know, I’ve never heard of such a thing as this,” Dren said. “There have been no reports from anyone—"

“Exactly. It probably eats whoever enters. Let’s go.”

“Wait! I can sense… I can sense… pie,” Nanoc said.

The others looked at him in surprise.

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Congratulations! You have a new skill!

Pie radar: You can now smell pie from five thousand paces away.

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“I just gained the pie radar skill,” Nanoc explained. “I can smell a pie from far away."

“That’s a neat trick,” Rotcel ‘Loc said.

“Back when I lived in the city, there was always pie around, but it's been a long time since I’ve had any. I guess I was thinking about it when I leveled up? Is that how it works?”

Dren shrugged. “Do you know, it’s not entirely clear how these things work. Artefact designed a fair and logical system, but then it had to be approved by various committees of gods who all wanted to feel important, so each demanded a set of changes… and, well, it got complicated.”

That had only been the start of the problem. Chaos had snuck into the design process and her influence had left the system unpredictable and, at times, unfair. She thought this added to the fun of it. Most mortals did not agree.

“I’ve never met an evil pie,” Nanoc said. “And I think this building is a pub.”

“Do you know, it’s actually an inn,” Dren corrected him. “The Inn Stant, you see?”

He was right: a sign was painted across the door above the picture of a foaming beer. Nanoc walked up to the door.

“Wait!” Rotcel the lizardling warned. “I can sense danger inside there, and mayhem!”

“Yeah,” Nanoc agreed. “It’s an inn.”

“It’s a magical inn! Who can know where it comes from, or what horrors might be inside?”

“It’s an inn,” Nanoc insisted. “They have pie.”

“No, let us avoid it,” Rotcel ‘Loc suggested. “It’s clearly a magical inn, and I can sense no treasure inside it at all. Let’s leave well enough alone this time.”

“But think of what we might learn—” Dren said.

“No!”

Nanoc and Dren shared a glance. They both wanted to go in. How could they convince their friend to join them?

“Do you know, the owners of a magical inn may not have any treasure, but I bet they know where we can find some,” Dren said. “They probably have a list of quests to find gold and jewels and magic thingies, but you if you aren’t interested—”

“Thingies?” Rotcel ‘Loc said, gulping. “Gold?”

“They may even know where to find a crown,” Nanoc said, winking at Dren.

“Crowns?” Rotcel ‘Loc said, going weak at the knees. “No. But. Well. Um. Oh well, fine, then. Just one quick quest, and we can be on our way…

Nanoc led the way into the pub, but as they entered Rotcel ‘Loc gasped.

“I was right! Run, the innkeeper is a devil!”