Just when Mikey was getting tired of hanging around, the rope around his neck agreed and spontaneously snapped apart.

Huh. In retrospect, he was being overly dramatic. So what if he didn't matter! There were two billion other people on the planet who didn't matter either! So what if he was mediocre, as long as he wasn't alone!

.... still, being a foolish teenage boy, he couldn't give up on his dreams of being someone who matters. Someone special.

He made a bold decision right then and there to follow Tim's example. So what if he'll never have powers. So what if a toaster was more important than him. As long as he had a dream, and he felt like he met it by his own reckoning, who cares!

It was in that moment he decided he'd pursue wholeheartedly his lifelong dream (that he's had for two minutes) to become an awesome webnovel author!

....Yeah! Those guys were popular with the chicks! .... probably.

So Mikey got hard to work at writing his masterpiece. They always said 'write what you know', but Mikey knew that was the stupidest advice he had ever heard. The only thing he knew to do was shuffle boxes, and if doing that made him hang himself, imagine how bad it would feel reading about it would!

So in an uncharacteristically insightful moment, Mikey's gut gave him enlightenment: You should write a world that you wish you could live in. If just for a while. After all, that's what you're asking people to do: To leave their own lives behind for a while and live in a different world.

Still, Mikey was nervous. So he decided to play it safe and copy the ideas of all the stories he enjoyed reading about. Something where the sidekick gets to sponge off the flashy main character, and gets to be super popular for no reason.

He began to type.

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He hit submit and waited with baited breath for the reviews to come rolling in. His webnovel was the most important thing in the world, so of course they'd start showing up soon, right? He couldn't wait to see the opinions of what a horde of internet randos thought about his intrinsic value as a human being was!

They had to be nicer than how Tofu always treated him like air, right? He couldn't forget one of the first things his new friend had said to him: "*sigh* All bones, no meat."

That was when the forced feedings and forced exercise regimes began. Tofu's reasoning made a little sense ("It's a dangerous job Mikey, you need to be prepared for anything.") but for some reason felt more like an excuse.

.... man these reviews are really not coming in, are they? It's been hours and nuthin'. Well, he'd check back some other day.

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Some Other Day

Mikey's webnovel, College Girls With Generous Bazongas, finally got some reviews! Three of'em! And... here they are!

Review #1: "Zero star novel. Why is everyone so obsessed with cow utters? Flat is where it's at!"

Review #2: "Allow me to explain all the things wrong with this so-called 'web-novel'. Firstly, it is obvious the writer is an amateur fraud who couldn't figure out what humans want to read if a meteor smacked them upside the head. People don't care about reading about boobies, if they can just as easily look at them instead. It's the internet dude, pick up a drawing tablet if you want to join the hustle. Too poor to afford one? Too bad!

Secondly, this is obviously written by a toddler who's never interacted with other human beings. I bet there's a girl he thinks about all the time, but she doesn't even know he exists! And I bet his only friends are other losers or one of those man-eating freaks incognito! What a sad little baby, ha ha ha!

Thirdly, because of the second problem, the author doesn't understand what makes life truly worth living. He's obsessed with all these external symbols of success that he thinks will suddenly make him a 'winner': trophies, accomplishments, etc... that he doesn't understand those things are mere garnishes to life. Less than 1% of life is climatic, and you have to make the other 99.999999% worth experiencing, too. I bet he thinks if he triggered and got a power, he'd be someone who matters lol.

Stolen novel; please report.

Fourthly, I'm sick of these mayonnaise-shaped protags with no personality! Obviously the MC is a drooling pervert that wants to sniff armpits all day! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET HIM BE THAT GUY, HE'S SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN 'SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE' FAKER GUY. 'Geez Senpai, were you looking at my armpit?' 'Oh no, this is just a misunderstanding! That was just a trick of the light! I would NEVER do that!' FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUC-

Fifthtily, he tried following trends by giving his MC a bunch of stats on a status screen. But it's apparent this hack fraud got tired of keeping track of them very quickly. I expect the status screen to make fewer and fewer appearances as this goes on. And when it does appear, the numbers won't make any sense at all! And that's only if this buffoon even decides on making more of this garbage, instead of just giving up like a coward after trying a little bit.

Sixily, he's probably a fattie who spends all his free time on the internet. If he's reading this, he probably cares 110% because it's the only time in his sad little life anyone has ever noticed him ha ha ha.

Seventhly, I hope he appreciates all the help I'm giving him here. I sacrificed a lot of precious time from my busy day to write this very informative, comprehensive review.

Eighthdiddly, I think it was a mistake from an architectural level to make all the girls so similar to one another. Harem novels live and die on the variety of their characters: They should be as different as you can make them, visually and socially. Webnovel readers are a bunch of freaks, so it wouldn't hurt to toss in a femboy or a furry or an elf or a robot into the mix so everyone can have something to enjoy. I mean it's a college setting, and there's not one lusty teacher. (Unless he's planning to add one later on in like chapter 200. I admit I might be judging a little prematurely here.)

Ninthly, I keep saying 'he' here, but imagine how sad it would be if it was a girl who wrote this crap.

Tenthly, what the hell is up with porkchops? Is it really worth ending the life of a piggy for something that tastes like soggy toilet paper? Just had to get that off my chest.

Eleventhly, why not change the direction of the novel totally in the future? How about improving your life by becoming one of those excited physics nerds who write a dungeon core novel full of Rube Goldberg murder traps? Webnovel readers are a bunch of bloodthirsty sickos, so you'll definitely find an audience for that! Isn't that what you want, Mr.Author???

Eleven point fiveily, I just wanted to add this in here with a quick edit: I know it's a cliche moldier than the milk in my fridge, but I still really like it when he accidentally walks into occupied bathrooms and gets slapped. I'm not sure why that is.

Twelfily, I've only been at this review for around a mere fifty minutes, and I'm starting to get the impression that I care more about this novel than its so-called author does. Does that seem right to you? If god doesn't care, why should anyone else??

Thirteenthly, because it's almost my birthday, seriously consider changing the story to a murder dungeon thing. Just get rid of all the characters, no one cares about those big boobie bimbos. Replace them with wholesome chipmunks and other sentient wildlife. That's what a cool guy would do. What an internet rebel would do, to seek out mainstream approval from the normies.

Fourthtillionly, I think some back-history would be helpful to know here. To create something fresh and new, you have to know the well-trodden ground that's already been done to death. So, the very first webnovel ever written was by one Sherry E. Buckley. He was bullied into writing by his nagging sister, who was upset that the porno book (also called a 'romance novel', at the time) she was reading had a 'shitty ending'. Sherry had to write an alternate ending where the heroine dumps the 'stupid' canonical love interest, and gets with a bunch of side characters who were 'much better than that potato-head.' After thirty volumes and nine hundred chapters, Sherry was found hanging from the rafters of his barn. Now, what came after that is what we-"

(This goes for around ten times longer than Mikey's webnovel, but has been trimmed for length to spare the reader some agony. Humanity's sins are great, but they're perhaps not bad enough to warrant more of this kind of thing.)

Review #3: "It's not very unique, is it?"

His novel's average score was 1.33 stars out of five.

Mikey pulled out his backup rope and began tying another loop.