In an alternate universe where chapter 8 went very differently, 200 chapters later:

"Oh geez, this is a mess. Hey, can we get the blood splatter guy in here already?"

"He doesn't own a car, so, probably not for a while?"

"Damnit! My wife was going to bake a pizza tonight. ..Her boyfriend's gonna finish it all, if I'm late for dinner again.."

Suddenly, the most painfully average looking teenager you've ever seen arrived on the scene. "Brown-haired mayonnaise" would be too zesty of a description for the lad.

"Hey, get out of here ya brat! I have enough crap with your kind hanging out with my wife all the time!"

"No wait Frank, this is the guy."

"Huh? Him?!"

Tofu held up the talisman of unfathomable power, which he was finding to be useful to access all kinds of neat places lately. It was called... a lanyard, he thought?

"Oh shit, he has a lanyard. He must be one of the lab nerds."

"I must ask that the two of you please step away from the bodies. Yes, right there will do. Please do not interrupt."

Tofu then got on all fours and began to eyeball the blood splatter very very closely.

The awkward silence was getting a little too awkward, so Louie tried to make some idle small talk.

"So uh, a quick eyeball estimate says that the first victim was stabbed 48 times with a chainsaw. The second, 33 times. The third, 9. The fourth, 68. The fifth..."

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

By this time, Tofu had his tongue hanging out. And it was wiggling like it really wanted to lap up the blood already.

"Are you sure you're doing that correctly?"

"Hey, ease up Frank. He doesn't tell you how to do your job, does he? Anyway, the next twelve people were all stabbed a buncha times. And it's not the first scene we've seen like this. Guy really seems to like chainsaws."

"I'm going to be really mad if it's my wife's boyfriend."

"It's hardly ever your wife's boyfriend."

"True."

By this point Tofu had long since begun licking up the blood with his tongue, and was already licking up the last bit of it.

"So splatter guy, what's your take?"

"Um... yes. I agree. The blood splatter is consistent with being stabbed with a chainsaw."

"What'd I tell ya, Frank?"

"Fine, you can have a slice of pizza later.. If there's any left."

As Tofu reached out to grab a tasty dismembered thigh, time began to get all fuzzy and his hand began to slow...

----------------------------------------

Tofu woke up, and not for the first time was disappointed by the reality he found himself in. If only he really had a job where he got paid to eat food all day. But he knew that was an impossible fantasy.

He may be a stupid bioweapon, but even he knows a little about the nature of dreams. And how much they lie.

----------------------------------------

"Hey kids, did you ever hear the story about everyone's favorite hero, the heroic chainsaw activist?"