Nearly half the crew was in the waiting room, tears threatening to well from their eyes. Buzzer kept passing angry glares at Tofu while buzzing his ears.

Finally... finally the veterinarian came in, and by his face the news he had wasn't good.

"He's lost his spleen and half his liver... I have an experimental procedure that might save his life, but I'm afraid the expense would be too unreasonable to ask. I'm afraid it might be time.... to say 'goodbye'."

This euphemism went over about as well as you might expect.

"No!"

"You aren't putting him down!"

"He was a good boy!"

"Take the bill out on Tofu! It's his fault!"

"Yeah, everyone knows Tofu always hated Zapps!"

Tofu, feeling a bit like a part of the out-group, did what he always did when at a loss of what to do in a social situation: he used his 'ole reliable cheatcode.

"Sandra, can you explain to everyone this was an accident?"

"... I'm sorry Tofu. You were the one holding the leash, so you should take responsibility."

Tofu, being the protagonist of an escapist fantasy story, absolutely loathed the idea of taking responsibility. He hated it more than Garfield hates Mondays. What was a cornered bio-weapon to do?

..... that's right! Feign weakness, and pretend to care! You can get away with anything, just by using words and a frowny-face! Both of them cost nothing at all to use!

"I'm sorry everyone. 'You can't trust a Zapps, but you can trust a Zapps to be a Zapps.' I should have been more careful. I'd like to help with his vet bill, but I'm flat broke... would a pigeon help?" Tofu held out a mauled blood-soaked pigeon and made a mathematically perfect politician's frowny-face.

Buzzer stormed up to him and slapped the pigeon out of his hand.

"Screw you Tofu! You don't get to pretend to care now!"

One of the goons from earlier chimed in with his opinion: "Yeah! He was probably planning this from the start!"

Tofu grumbled inside. Damn politicians, lying to him. He thought they knew how to simulate being human! How else could they keep getting elected?

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Long story short, certain... arrangements were made. The vet pulled a miracle surgery out of his bum and saved the Zappinator (neutral), Tofu had his wage garnished by Sandra to pay for it (bad), and Tofu was banned from ever walking Zapps again (very very good).

All in all, Tofu came out feeling rather good about the whole thing.

----------------------------------------

While munching on some half-eaten dead rats he found in the gutter on his walk home, Tofu finally realized what it was he felt like he was forgetting:

Where were those kids? Zim-zam and Counterproductive?

Fortunately, he found them shivering outside near the entrance to the base he always uses. The problem fixed itself!

He escorted them home, and tucked them in bed. Like any good simulation of a father would do, he read them a bedtime story:

"Then the grandma, who was actually a bioweapon in disguise remember?, tucked Red Riding Hood into bed. 'My, what beautiful carbon chains you have there' the bio-granny said. 'Why, thank you?' said Red Riding Hood. Then the bio-granny's eyes went wide as she looked deeper. 'My... what...'" Tofu had to pause to lick his lips as saliva was flooding out of his mouth onto the floor, "'tasty little bones you have there....' *Ahem* Red Riding Hood knew this was her chance! While the impostor was mesmerized by her delicious body, she pulled out the knife she had been hiding and stabbed the big faker in the heart! But... this didn't work. Bio-weapons, you see, are too smart to die from something as simple as a puncture wound. So the bio-granny grabbed her all over using its tentacles, opened up its torso, and gobbled her all up in one big bite. Red Riding Hood was exactly where she was supposed to be, and everyone lived happily ever after."

Tofu, satisfied with another challenge well overcome, nodded to himself smugly. Time to close out the day. "Night night now. *Smooch* *Smooch*" He pantomimed forehead kisses, turned off the light, and left the room.

Agumon and Sandshrew laid in their beds, eyes stark wide staring at the ceiling. They didn't sleep a wink that night. Or that year, for that matter.