Viper, also known as 'Claw Girl' to those whose memories have gotten a little foggy over the years, was having a tough time as of late. Her go-to move of 'just push the guy down' wasn't working. Case in point:
"Why do you keep doing that?" a befuddled Greg asked her.
An embarrassed Viper stopped pushing against him with all of her body weight and said, "Um, I was just stretching!"
".. is good to stretch." a still very confused Greg replied before trotting away.
Damnit girl, why did she have to prefer thicc muscly guys! Sigh.
She tried all her ideas, and none of them were working. No amount of pushing ever worked, not even that time she tried to use a forklift. She even tried pulling one time, and that was the most awkward interaction of them all!
It was time to do what everyone in Hellion's crew did in moments like these.
"*sigh*... I'm not your mom, Viper." an exhausted Sandra muttered.
"No, but you could be if you tried harder!" an exuberant Viper replied.
"I've got more important things to do than help you get laid. Team seven got turned into collateral ash in the last job. Zapps is still recuperating at the vet. The IRS auditor's been up my ass for weeks now. Turns out our payroll department is just as lazy and incompetent as everyone else is. I. Don't. Have the. Time."
"I don't want to get laid, I want to be on top!" an exuberant Viper replied.
"Ugh, gross... Just... go ask the boneheads or something for advice. I'm not the only person on the planet with ideas, Viper."
That's not what Viper's intuition told her, but she decided to go along with it anyway. Her substitute mom has never steered her wrong before!
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And that's how Viper ended up in horny jail, on account of being too horny. In all fairness it wasn't her fault. If there is a tail in front of you, you must grab it. Everyone knows that!
Was it her fault that she wanted to have a harem of hunky guys as soon as possible and wouldn't take 'maybe' for an answer?
Yes. Yes it was.
The worst part was being separated from her phone. Not being able to spend her entire day swiping left so that the uggos knew that they were uggos was proving to be a rather stressful ordeal for our Viper.
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While Sandra was up to her ass in doing everyone else's job (this time cleaning up one of Imp's messes), she pondered what exactly her friend Viper did at Hellion's minions. On the surface she was a secretary, but thinking about it... mostly all she did was play on her computer and say mean things to people all day. At least, all the people she wasn't attracted to.
Which was anyone under seven feet tall and not male. "Little piglets" she called the guys, "thieving ho-bags" she called the ladies.
Oddly, the organization was working smoother without her around. Productivity was up 4%. Suicide rates were down 15%.
These metrics opened a disturbing line of thought for Sandra. Viper was hardly special, in fact Sandra would say she was a typical employee. If getting rid of her made things work better, what would happen if all the other incompetent people were 'removed'.
... what if, she was the one who was in charge?