Two of Socket's goons noticed something mildly distressing:
"Hey, isn't that the cage we keep Evil Tofu?"
"Yeah? Yeah it is."
"Hm... now tell me if I'm crazy, but isn't it empty right now?"
"Hmm... can't say that you are. That's one empty cell, if I've ever seen one."
"Right right. This is really bad, right? We're all going to get horribly murdered?"
"Yep, that's usually how these things go. That's the kind of thing that happens when you don't have superpowers."
For a brief moment, this mook considered pushing his mind into the celestial sea and forcing an ascension in narrative relevance. As he started to vibrate, he snapped back to his senses and stopped before he pissed himself. This was one mook who knew better than to want a higher station in life!
"So, I radio'd it in. Just to be on the safe side, you're not Evil Tofu, are you?"
"Nope. Are you Evil Tofu?"
".......... maybe."
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You know, it just occurred to me that it's possible that in between now and when the source material this is based on gets an update, this thing could end up having more chapters than it. Maybe even more words. Seriously.
This disturbs me greatly, since I only plan on writing like six of these things. (Editor's Note from the future: This one turned out to be a big fat lie. A huge lie, even.)
The well is only so deep, trust me. I tried writing a fight scene between Tofu and Evil Tofu for chapter eight, which culminated in Tofu being served a jury summons like this was some kind of Adult Swim cartoon? The first idea was the kids' father was suing for custody, a guy by the name of Johnny Knock'em Up. The other idea was a trial for Evil Tofu, on if he had exceeded the amount of people the law allows you to eat? Like, you're allowed to eat a few, as a treat. They're so tasty so who could blame you? But too much, and your ass is going to jail.
These are awful ideas, on top of this already horrible one. I need to put this thing out of its misery somehow before it comes to that. :fighting pose:
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
In the meantime, please enjoy the rest of this 483 word chapter that's fifty percent nuthin' but this little blog post.
Hey, did you know if you spell out numbers they count as words, but if you use numbers they only count as numbers? It's true, look it up!
'Four hundred eighty three', hee hee...
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Nicole batted listlessly at one of her bras in her room. Because she was in the middle of her 'PTSD relapse' phase, she found it hard to go outside for non-plot-required purposes.
Haaa... this is a bra she and Tofu had shared together. Unfortunately, once this was a fact she knew, it was a fact that was a part of her forever.
So she did the only sensible thing to do, and threw it and its traitorous brothers into a garbage bin. Tainted underwear always leads to tainted metaphysical outcomes. Always.
... Nicole suddenly shuddered: a vision of her undergarments being shipped to a landfill, being pushed into a sewer grate from rain run-off, sailing all the way to the nessie nest of Mr.Chonkers and friends. Then they would... become entangled in some stupid nonsensical sort of way. Maybe become some kind of stupid underwear mutant, even, if someone was feeling particularly lazy on a certain Sunday...
That was exactly the kind of thing she could see happening, now that some sicko got his hands on her narrative.
She got up and and took her underoos to the incinerator to erase them from existence herself. It was the only way to be sure.
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"Hello? Why aren't I dying?" Mikey shouted, while hanging out in the parking lot.
Now you, dear reader, might assume that's because he has powers now but don't worry: Mikey will never have powers because he's a Mikey. You can go sleep soundly tonight.
No, the reason is because Mikey doesn't matter any more, so the simulation doesn't bother to update itself with his state information. Neurons and computation cycles are a limited resource.
So it's better to think that he's entered a kind of 'narrative ghost' state. Or if you prefer, a 'Mikey-state'.