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0023

"My Alexandra, Aeons Torn attacks your biofarm plant," he declared as he rolled his dice.

"Snake eyes, your Alexandra has a terminal robot brain malfunction and will be a vegetable until you can fix or replace her brain."

"Shiiiiiit..."

The crew had gotten bored of waiting for Pointy Girl to do her business, and gave in to the nerd's nagging that they start a game of Bioweapon Wars.

On the floor of the bathroom, of course. They did everything together, or not at all.

"Pointy Girl, it's your turn!"

"I don't wanna!" She squirmed while sitting on the toilet.

Bioweapon Wars was a needlessly tedious and complex game. Every single bioweapon a player created was a bespoke creation that took multiple minutes to create. There was a very annoying rule against designing a mass-production product. Considering this was, you know, a war game this meant there were dozens of bioweapons to keep track of.

Dozens... if it was only two people playing.

Alexandra's terminal brainfart perk being an example of how byzantine and pointlessly complicated the rules were. Perks, traits, proficiencies, abilities, spells ("how often do you see a bioweapon using magic?!", one minion remarked when he found out that was part of the ruleset), feats, and various other tedium awaited one who dare ventured into this game. And this wasn't even taking things like stats or the bioweapon's various opinions on things, like 'favorite food'.

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Many older nerds from simpler times would loathe this kind of min-maxing minutiae, but Nerd Boy wasn't like those grognards. The more needlessly complex and unfun something was, the better!

"What's the difference between a perk and a trait? Why do these have to be two separate things?"

"Fuck you, that's why," Nerd Boy helpfully explained. His patience was infinite and his explanations thorough: These normies had to be re-educated into respectable war gamers!

"Ha! Your Xenobode lost his morale roll! Now he has to run away to his little hidey-hole!"

"Nah he just snacked on some bologna, so he has a +1 to morale rolls for the next five turns."

".... oh yeah...."

Another feature of Bioweapon Wars you might find interesting: there was a chart of syllables you were allowed to use in a bioweapon's name. So if you wanted to create a theme for your army like 'Red Dog Army' or 'The Eggplant Brigade' to make it easier to tell them apart... You couldn't do it! It wasn't in the rules! It was not allowed!

Pointy Girl was openly weeping by this point. If there was a hell, this was surely it.