"This is my brother, Evil Tofu!"
The bioweapon behind the glass snarled, and dozens of tendrils slammed against it.
"When you're strong enough to eat Evil Tofu on your own, you'll be able to call yourselves adults! Now over here..."
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The next thing to happen, is Tofu showed Rocksteady and Bee-bop the cafeteria. They had donuts there that day, and that is unfortunately why the narration had to break down here.
See, Tofu found it necessary to discuss, in complete detail, one-by-one, the merits and drawbacks of every single kind of donut that was in the box. The chocolate one. The glazed. The powdered sugar. The one with pink stuff and sprinkles on top.
That's just a few of over a dozen varieties. Don't get me started on the apple-cream filled one. Apples belong on trees, not inside donuts or people's stomachs!
Anyway. If I tried to convey even a fraction of the excruciating detail that Tofu used in his lecture, this chapter would be over 80,000 words long and only you donut perverts would still be around by the end of it.
The important thing to note, my dear donut normos, is that when Tofu finished his speech and looked at his kids, he noticed...
His kids.. they were gone.
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"I can't believe you pissed yourself again." Mikey's boss looked none too impressed, as one of his coworkers sprayed him with a waterhose.
"Maybe being a box shuffler isn't right for you."
No. Oh no.
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"No! I'll change! I promise I won't fantasize about being somebody who'll matter some day! Please don't let me go!"
"No, boy. You don't have it. You need to have 'it', in your heart if you want to be a box shuffler. And if you can't shuffle a box, I'm afraid we have no room for you here at Hellion's kittens *cough* erm, minions."
Argh, there goes his lifelong dream of counting beans at the beancounter department.
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Tofu was pretty sure getting your kids killed at your workplace on the second day would quantify him as a 'bad dad'. Normally he wouldn't really care, but it was important to keep up his disguise by pretending to care about what Natasha would think of him.
Also he calculated a high probability that at least one of them had morbid obesity to look forward to in the future, and letting such a large mass of stored potential energy get away was impossible for Tofu. His hard-wired prime directives wouldn't let him.
Tofu asked everyone he saw if they had seen them. "Two boys, about this tall? Respond to the names 'Barney' and 'Scooby-doo'?" All he got was people shaking their heads for his trouble.
While he was searching the parking lot, he came across a despondent Mikey. He appeared to be doing something with a rope and an overhead water line.
"It's over, Tofu. My future's bleaker than those hobos you like to eat. You might as well stick a fork in me, because I've got no 'juicy plots' to provide the viewers at home. You know how hungry they are for those. Like demented hyenas."
"Hello. Have you seen two boys, about this tall? Respond to the names 'Scary Spice' and 'Rubicante'?"
"Tofu, it's me. Your best friend. I'm about to commit suicide here?"
"I'll take that as a 'no'," Tofu replied as he continued his search.