My heavy eyes were burning with fatigue by the time our mana-powered truck reached the village. It was a small place that reminded me more of an old-western high street than a fantasy village.

With my propensity for getting into duels, I half expected a cowboy to come waltzing through a pair of swing doors to challenge me.

That didn’t happen though.

Instead, I was treated to every nerd’s dream come true: elves.

Long, luscious hair, piercing eyes, and pointy ears. It was safe to say that upon arrival I was fully awake. I focused on the nearest elf, a small girl with mousey brown hair and a bow strapped to her back, and a system notification popped up on my HUD.

You have discovered a new race:

Jungle Elf

Direct descendants from the better-known Wood Elves, the Jungle Elves tend to prefer the tropics. The story goes that once upon a time a Wood Elf lived in the forests of Britania, an island nation sitting just above the central continent.

After years of living a quiet life with his tribe and wife, he looked at the grey, rainy sky and said: “Fuck this I’m out.”

After a long sea voyage he eventually came upon a tropical island paradise, promptly got a nasty sunburn, and then the runs from eating an undercooked Loconut he’d shaken out of its nest.

And thus the phrase: barking up the wrong tree was born.

“Somehow I don’t think that’s true,” I muttered to myself upon reading the notification.

It also told me very little about jungle elves, which was pretty on-brand for the system.

The truck pulled up in a puff of smoke alongside the raised, wooden boardwalk. The village was a single street carved into the jungle and surrounded on either side by large palm trees.

Shops, bars, and trader stalls dominated the right side, the left seemed to be mostly comprised of homes and inns. It was a simple setup.

The elves must have been pretty hygiene-conscious too, considering the raised boardwalks on either side. The road was muddy and torn up by tyre tracks, which we had just added to with our large truck.

Sally popped her head out of the window and yelled: “Everyone out!” and we carefully exited via the rear.

Looking around, I couldn’t see too many people. I guessed it was quite late, the sun was already cresting the sky and casting a postcard-worthy orange glow over the little settlement.

The few elves I did see though, were all carrying bows. The short girl with the mousy brown hair approached us as we huddled next to the truck.

“Adventurers?” She asked, coking her head to the side slightly and eyeing each of us up in turn.

“That’s right, miss?” Reggie said, stepping towards her and offering out his hand curtly.

“Tilly.” She said, ignoring his handshake and moving across each of us in turn.

She approached me and got uncomfortably close. I swear I saw her nostrils twitch as she examined me with her hands held behind her back.

Did she just sniff me? What the actual fuck.

“Use bow?” She asked, grabbing my forearm, and pointing to my bracer.

“It looks like we have that in common,” I said, forcing a smile and gesturing to the wooden bow slung on her back.

This is definitely not how I expected elves to act. What happened to the refined elegance I’ve come to expect from TV? I thought.

She grunted in response and moved past me to Bell who smiled at her happily. The elf’s sunburnt skin practically glowed in the orange light of sunset.

I guess the system wasn’t making it up after all.

“Hi there.” Bell chirped, offering out her hand. “I’m Bell, it’s lovely to meet you.”

The elf girl simply grunted in response and moved on to Panda, completely ignoring Bell.

“I think she likes me.” She chimed in her overly upbeat tone.

The elf girl crouched down and overtly sniffed at Panda’s fur. He recoiled slightly, shooting me a pleading look. I had no idea how to help him out, and no desire to, as I stifled a laugh.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

“Need bath.” She said before standing up and positioning herself in front of the group. Panda looked insulted and opened his mouth to protest but she’d already turned away from him.

Sally walked around the front of the truck and joined us, standing next to the elf girl. Despite talking like a neanderthal, she was actually quite pretty and well-dressed to boot. With the exception of being rather small… and sunburnt, visually she conformed almost perfectly to the elf tropes I was used to.

She had a naturally contoured face; her hair shined vibrantly and she wore a form-fitted leather jerkin and high boots.

Elven shampoo must be great. I thought as I looked her up and down.

“This is Palm Tree Village,” Sally announced, gesturing to the settlement around us. “From the looks on your faces, I’m guessing none of you have ever met a jungle elf before.

“They communicate primarily through telepathy, so they don’t speak very much. Don’t let that fool you into thinking they’re dumb. We’re only going to be here for one night, so don’t go causing any trouble.” She glared at me as she said that and I shrugged back at her innocently.

She turned towards the elf and the girl pointed lazily at the small building directly in front of us. Sally walked inside and gestured for us to follow.

The building itself was made of wood. However, the architecture was more like a tree house than the wooden buildings I was used to.

Root-like panels of wood merged and twined together to create living walls that looked like house-shaped trees. The door was a circular knot which swung inwards like a single saloon door.

As I stepped inside I was immediately hit with a cool breeze. The weather outside was stifling, so it was a welcome change to the climate.

The floor was riddled with mismatched rugs and cushions. There were a few tables as well, but they were low down to the floor, explaining the cushions. On the right side was a countertop with an array of twisted glass bottles standing on it.

We stood inside for a moment as Sally leaned on the countertop and the elven girl followed us inside and moved agilely through us, stopping on the other side of the counter.

She held up three fingers and Sally tossed her the corresponding gold coins. The price seemed a little steep to me considering it had only cost me a single gold coin for a weeklong stay at a bed and breakfast in Havar.

Sally didn’t seem to care though as she turned back towards us.

“I’ve rented the entire inn for the night so I can debrief you and not worry about any of you catching a disease.” She looked at me again and this time I was actually a little hurt.

“I have a wife you know,” I muttered at her. She shot me a fangy grin and continued. “Take a seat.”

We all complied and piled around a low-down table in the middle of the room. I sat on a soft green cushion with little beads covering the stitching. It was surprisingly comfortable.

Jamie still looked a little out of it, but his eyes seemed a lot more alert than they had been before so his meditation must have helped him out a bit.

Reggie sat next to him as Bell and Panda flanked me.

Sally came over shortly, bringing six sparkling bottles of glittery… something, and placing them all down on the table.

She gestured to them and we each took one as she plonked herself down at the head of the table, crossed her legs, and leant her head on her fist. Her silver hair flowed over her muscular shoulders.

My bottle had one of those caps on it that were connected to the glass itself by a piece of metal. When I pushed at the bottom of the cap, it flipped open letting a hissing gasp of air leak out.

I took a swig and the carbonation fizzed and popped on my tongue. It was a mild and pleasant feeling that somehow made my mouth warm. I’d describe the flavour but it was so different from anything I’d ever tasted on earth that I honestly don’t know how.

The closest thing I could compare it to would probably be cherry aid, mixed with cider and a blue lagoon cocktail. I know that sounds terrible, but trust me, it was great.

“Bell,” Sally said suddenly, causing Bell to choke slightly on her beverage. “How do you think your fight with the dhur went?”

“It was a lot of fun.” She replied and a glimmer of a sadistic smile tugged on her lips, but just for a moment. “I especially enjoyed being Kaleb’s knight in shining armour, the Mario to his Princess Peach, If you will.”

“That is not what happened.” I interrupted. “I saved you and besides, everyone knows Peach is fucking Bowser. Why would you even want to be Mario, the guy’s clueless.”

“I’ll tell you how it went,” Sally said loudly, banging her glass on the table and grabbing our attention. “It was an absolute shit show!” She yelled slamming her fist down and earning an annoyed look from Tilly the jungle elf. “You’d probably be dead if Gonads hadn’t stepped in. Not to mention that you nearly burned down the entire jungle, putting your team’s lives in danger.

“How am I supposed to pass you, when all you gave me was a flaming bag of goblin shit.”

Bell shrank back in her cushion; she didn’t seem to know what to say but she looked down into her drink shyly.

“Wow, someone finally got her to shut up,” Panda commented quietly, glancing sideways at Bell.

“Gonads.” Sally began, ignoring Panda. “Rate your own performance.”

I straightened up slightly and looked at Sally in her dark blue eyes. She had a fierce look on her face and I gulped before answering.

“It was a solo battle, so I hesitated to act at first.” I began, “Once I got into the fight I realised that the dhur had a high defence and my arrows barely seemed to scratch it. I killed it in the end, but it was a more drawn-out battle than I’d have liked.”

Booyah! I thought. Score one for professionalism in the workplace. Not a bad assessment if I do say so myself.

“Yeah…” She sighed. “You did ok I guess. You did kill it and you recognised your teammate’s weakness and stepped in to help. Unlike these two idiots who gawked at you both the entire time.” She glared at Reggie and Jamie who both shrank down, trying to avoid her heavy gaze.

“That being said.” She continued. “You seem to have a habit of draining all of your stamina when you fight. I’d have hoped you’d have figured out how to conserve it better by now.

“You’re turning into a one-pump chump and it’s going to get you killed. What would you have done if a second monster appeared after you killed the dhur?”

I opened my mouth to reply and she held up her hand to stop me.

“That was a rhetorical question.” She sighed again, even deeper this time. “Listen, you merry band of dick munchers have a dragon to kill. You hear me? A real-life, fire-breathing, flying, king of the monsters, dragon. You need to shape up if you want any chance of actually pulling it off.

“Starting tomorrow we’ll be walking to the lair. I’ve obviously been too soft on you by driving you everywhere. You’re gonna fight a shit-tonne of monsters, both solo and as a team.” She leaned in closer and snarled the last part in a menacingly low tone.

“If I don’t see a drastic improvement, I’ll send you all home and kill the damn dragon myself.”

She slammed the table and the group collectively jumped backwards. Then she stood up lazily, bottle in hand, and walked towards the rooms in the back.

“You’d all better get some sleep. We have an early start tomorrow.” She said, leaving us in shocked silence as we nursed our drinks.

Tomorrow. I thought, staring into my drained glass bottle. That’s when this exam will really begin. I need to get stronger.