I sighed and shook my head before mentally clicking on the Basic Bow. It was the best option at the time. Someone had already died in this place and that knowledge weighed heavily on me.

Maybe I was just scared, but who in their right mind wouldn’t be? Rushing into battle naked and afraid with a sword in hand just seemed too reckless. Like I’d be asking for death.

So, that was that. I chose the bow and once again a notification appeared on my HUD.

New Item Received!

Basic Bow

This is a basic bow; I’m sure you don’t need an explanation for that. It is a piece of wood with a bow string attached and you use it to shoot things. A cowardly choice in my opinion but it is not my place to judge the choice of feeble-minded newbies.

The bow is a skilled weapon, so you best get practicing.

*Arrows not included*

“Arrows not included. Are you fucking kidding me!” I yelled at the sky like a mad man.

Well, that was it. I’d made the wrong choice. This system obviously didn’t like me very much. Maybe I should have chosen the sword after all. At least that was useable, unlike the crappy piece of wood I’d been gifted.

I pulled it out of my inventory to have a look. For a basic piece of gear it actually looked quite professional. It was made of a dark wood and curved nicely. It even had a piece of cloth to cushion my hand and act as a grip.

Despite my misgivings I still felt pretty badass holding it. Though without any arrows it was pretty useless. I considered trying to make some arrows myself but I didn’t have anything to carve them with. Without a knife or at least a jagged rock I was pretty stuck.

The only thing I had that could be of any use was the Loconut’s Hair. I pulled it out, absentmindedly. They were my only possessions. A bow with no arrows, and hair… and a Cock Sock but the less said about that the better.

I messed around with the bow for a little while feeling utterly dejected. In an attempt to cheer myself up with some bad humour I placed one of the hairs on the edge of the bow string, pulled back and let it fly, pretending it was an arrow.

Except something weird happened.

The hair held a sturdy shape when placed on the bow string and when I let it fly it shot across the clearing and embedded itself in a tree.

“Well, that’s certainly something.” I said, a wicked smile creeping across my face.

It seemed I’d just found a loophole in the system’s foul play. A loophole that I was happy to exploit.

I immediately took out another hair. I was getting used to accessing my inventory now and could summon the hair into my hand with barely a thought. It was a quick process, much faster than I imagined a quiver would be.

I stood up, took a deep breath, and focused on a spot on a palm tree at the other side of the small clearing. Releasing the breath I pulled the drawstring back and let loose.

I missed.

The hair flew straight past the tree and disappeared into the dense palm tree jungle.

“Well shit.” I muttered.

If I couldn’t even hit a tree that was barely five meters away how was I supposed to hit a monster? Those things moved after all.

I’d have to practice. So for the next few hours I painstakingly practiced shooting the tree. At least, I assumed it was a few hours, I didn’t have any way to tell the time.

I only had a finite amount of Loconut’s Hair so every now and then I’d have to walk over to the tree and collect as much of it as I could find. After the tenth or eleventh time of doing that I found that I’d hit the tree more often than I’d missed it.

I worked out pretty quickly that I was more accurate if I kept my elbow high. It felt counterintuitive but if it worked it worked. I also learnt to only breathe halfway out before firing the hair. For some reason that seemed to steady me a bit.

The main issue though, was my forearm.

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Roughly half the shots I took resulted in the bow string striking my forearm and I now had a nasty red welt on it. It had scabbed a little and was oozing slightly. I hoped it wouldn’t get infected. That would be a truly tragic way to die in a new world shrouded in magic.

Imagine being isekai’d away only to die of an infection a few days later. I’d be the laughingstock of the whole world.

My stomach growled again for the first time since my fight with the Loconut and I realised just how much I desperately needed to eat.

I collected my arrows for the last time and headed out.

There was a second trail leading away from the clearing and I figured it only made sense to keep following it. After all, the first trail had led me to the weapons box so hopefully this next one would lead me to some food.

After a few minutes of walking a notification filled my HUD.

New Quest: Bear Grylls

You’re stranded in the wilderness. You need food and water to survive. Whatever will you do? Well, you could drink your own piss like the famous earth TV personality Bear Grylls, or you could try and find something fit for human consumption. It’s up to you.

Objectives:

Eat something 0/1

Drink something 0/1

Reward: Not dying of starvation. You’re welcome.

These rewards aren’t very helpful. I thought as I finished reading the new quest.

At least it aligned with my own goal though and hopefully I’d gain another level from it. I needed to remember to check my stats afterwards and see if levels affected anything other than HP and Stamina.

I wasn’t sure exactly how I would find food and water, but if it was a quest then theoretically it should mean that there was some out there.

Keeping my bow in my hand I continued to walk along the dirt path. It didn’t take long before I came across another clearing though. This one was quite different than the last. I rubbed my eyes thinking I’d gone delirious.

In the middle of the clearing was a stage with a large metal pole in the middle of it. There was a deer dancing on the pole. Yup, that’s right. A pole dancing deer.

It moved its furry body like a human. Its eyes had lashes that looked fake, they were curled and long. It had little pink blush marks on its cheeks like it was wearing makeup and, possibly, most concerningly it was wearing women’s lingerie and stripper heels.

Sat in front of the stage was a group of stags, each with long, branching antlers. They also wore human clothes. The one in the middle had a crown on its head and a shirt that said Pussy Patrol on it.

It was surrounded on both sides by more stags who all wore the same shirt. One had sunglasses on and another was desperately trying to shove what looked like a dollar bill down the pole dancer’s G-string.

Naturally, another notification appeared.

You have discovered a new monster!

Stag Party

These rambunctious little rascals are exactly the kind of brain-dead idiots you’d expect to find at a strip club. One of their buddies is about to tie the knot so naturally his friends decided to take him out to see some deer titties, after all, it is his last night as a free man – or deer in this case.

You have discovered a new monster!

Doe Dancer

Oh deer. This poor girl likely grew up craving attention from her inattentive father and now spends her nights taking her kit off in the hopes of getting some attention from creepy guys at a stag party and the one older man who claims he’s only there for the free buffet.

Now I know you’ve heard the jokes about how it’s ok to kill strippers and hide them in the trunk of your car, we’ve all seen American sitcoms after all, but don’t try any funny business, like eating her, or you’ll end up as the deerly departed.

Get it?

But seriously, don’t eat her. She probably tastes like gristle and shame anyway.

I had to rub my eyes after that last pun, I rolled my eyes so hard I nearly saw my own brain. Dad jokes aside though, this might have been the chance I needed to get something to eat.

People hunted and ate deer all the time back on earth and maybe I could even make some clothes from their hides and weapons from their horns.

The only question now was how to kill them. I didn’t know what level they were at and there were five of them and only one of me. The odds weren’t exactly in my favour and I imagined one good charge from a stag would rip me in two.

I didn’t really have a lot of options. Obviously I’d have to use my bow but even if I killed one with the first shot, surely the rest would charge at me straight after.

Then I had a lightbulb moment. It had been staring me in the face all along. I knew choosing the ranged weapon was a good idea.

I turned towards the closet palm tree and moved towards it. I looked around and the Stag Party hadn’t noticed me yet, they were too enthralled by the stripper spinning herself upside down and wiggling her ass at them.

Perfect.

I quickly glanced to the top of the tree. The last thing I wanted was to be attacked by another Loconut as I climbed. Luckily there wasn’t one up there, at least not one that I could see.

I wrapped my legs around the thin tree trunk and began to climb, and by climb I mean shuffle.

It was a painful ascent. Each time I pulled myself further up I scratched the skin around my thighs. Pretty soon I was leaving a blood trail on the tree trunk and I noticed my HP had dropped to 18/20.

I was determined though. This was the smartest way. Everyone knows that deer can’t climb trees. It was a fool proof plan if I did say so myself.

Once I reached a significant height I squeezed my legs together to hold me in place. Unfortunately palm trees didn’t have strong branches I could perch on, but this should do.

I shifted around a little until I had a good view of the clearing. I pulled out my bow and a hair, took aim, breathed out halfway and loosed it.

The hair soared through the air towards my intended target. The stag in the middle, I’d called him the Groom in my mind to make identifying them a little easier.

I watched with bated breath as my little hair flew gracefully through the sky. I continued watching as it soared right over Groom’s head and hit the Doe Dancer squarely in the face.

She was still hanging upside down and her limp body left the pole as if in slow motion before landing on the stage in front of the stags. Blood leaked from the hole as the light left her eyes.

An achievement popped up on my HUD but I waved it away. I’d check it later.

The stags all turned to each other, raising their palms in confusion, and looking around at the others in their group.

“Alright, which one of you idiots killed the stripper?” The sunglasses wearing one said.