“Remember to stab that muscle-fuck with your steel sword, don’t let him stab you with his flesh one. We can all feel the sexual tension between you two but this is a fight!” Panda called after Sally as she turned to leave with Gobtta.

“Fuck you Panda.” She shouted back, showing him her middle finger over her shoulder.

I smirked and Panda and I followed the line of goblins through the cramped hallway.

There was excited murmuring through the passage as we walked slowly behind a group of small female goblins. The atmosphere reminded me of queuing up to get into a gig venue back home.

“Have you seen Geralt?” A small goblin girl with saggy breasts said excitedly.

“Oh yeah, he’s so dreamy. I wonder if I’ll get that beautiful if I ever evolve?” Her friend replied.

“What are the chances of your evolving? I’m the one who’s going to sit on his face and make him love me!” The first retorted.

The two shared a glance and then turned away from each other, each in a huff. They folded their arms and continued to walk down the hallway in silence.

I got the impression they’d have fought if it wasn’t for the safe zone been in place.

It was a shame though, if one of them had attacked the other I might have got to see what the punishment was.

We continued walking through the passage for a short while until it opened out into a huge underground arena.

It was like an old coliseum, but underground. The roof was covered in jagged stalactites, growing down menacingly. It was a high roof that you could only see because of all the glowing balls on the walls.

The whole place was lit up like a WWE showdown. I wouldn’t even have been surprised to see a few cameras dotted about. Though I knew that this fight wasn’t scripted – unless there was something Sally wasn’t telling me.

The audience layout was a high rise of tiered seating, reaching far above where the passage came out. It was already filled to the brim with goblins muttering excitedly and causing a general ruckus.

We’d have had no chance without the safe zone being in effect, there were thousands of them.

I pushed through the crowed and elbowed my way to the pole position looking over the lowest barrier – which was basically just a small stone wall that came up to my naval.

The nearby goblins gave Panda and me a wide berth as they shot scathing glances at us and whispered to each other.

In all honestly, I was glad they were weary of us. It gave us more room and meant that I didn’t have to be in close proximity to a bunch of gross goblins.

Though it was more than likely Panda they didn’t like, after he ate all their bread.

“I don’t think they like you.” Panda said as he clambered onto the wall and sat down idly.

“Me?” I replied incredulously. “You’re the one who ate all their bread.”

“You killed one of their leaders.” He replied blankly. “Technically that means someone in that clan should try to avenge him, but they can’t because of the safe zone rules. I also think they’re scared of you considering you melted the guy and then stood there glaring at him with an arrow sticking out of your neck.”

Now he mentioned it, that probably was pretty terrifying for them. Good, let them be scared. It might make them hesitate before attacking me.

I hadn’t considered how badass I probably looked in that dual, I was just doing everything I could to survive.

A few minutes after we entered, the tournament finally began with an audible notification which popped up on my HUD. It was read by a voice akin to a boxing announcer.

Welcome to tonight’s main event!

The tournament to decide who’s the top gob. The fight that proves might is right. The battle that separates goblins from cattle.

That’s right folks, it’s the one you’ve all been waiting for.

The Goblin King Coronation!

The crowd went wild. Cheers and banging circulated the arena. It was so loud I could barely hear myself think. I’d been to concerts before but this was the loudest crowd I’d ever heard.

As the deafening cheers continued, the competitors began entering the arena. The arena itself was a large, empty square with a sandy floor and literally nothing else.

In the middle was an alter, which I thought was pretty ominous, but there was nothing on it so it was probably just part of the aesthetic.

The announcement continued.

Alright, let’s meet our first contestant.

He’s the leader of the Northern Mountain Tribe that makes its home just above your heads.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

With a whopping record of having bed the most goblin women on the island and spreading more clap than Charlie Sheen, it’s the one, the only Gerald Gobings!

The crowd cheered fervently. He made quite the spectacle out of it too. Lifting his axe off his back, he swung it around his head and blew a few kisses to the audience.

They loved it. The shrieking hoard of female goblins simply ate up his showmanship.

What was that about Charlie Sheen? I thought, furrowing my brow. How would the goblins even know who that was? It didn’t even make sense to use an earth reference in this context.

Our second contestant is the ruler of the Seashore Tribe, famous across the Forbidden Isle as the inventor of the bomb fishing technique. But can he fight as good as he fishes?

It’s Gerad Grey!

This time it was the fat goblin’s turn to prance around in the sand. He seemed less of a showman than Gerald as he simply lifted his mace in the air and looked up. Still, he got a fair amount of cheering and applause.

Neither him, nor Gerald impressed me too much. I got the impression they were a similar strength to Giles, the one I’d beaten in a duel.

That placed them at around level 30, which was respectable compared to my 27, but didn’t hold a candle to Sally’s level 90.

The next contestant was the only one that worried me.

Our third contestant needs no introduction.

He’s the crowd favourite to win for obvious reasons and he steals the ladies’ hearts without even trying. A famed warrior and living legend among the tribes of the Forbidden Isles, though he doesn’t have a tribe of his own currently.

It's The Wandering Ronin himself, Geralt the Great!

The entire arena shook with the stamping, clapping and screams from the goblins. I’d never heard anything so loud.

If there were any nearby boats sailing past the island they’d likely think the mountain was about to burst. It was beyond deafening.

Geralt, the muscle-bound goblin strode forward a few steps and unsheathed his sword, taking it in a two-handed grip.

Unlike Gerald, he made no show and dance. He simply readied himself and nodded slightly. The sign of a true professional.

He didn’t need to show off, his fighting would do the talking for him. A monster with that kind of calm, collected confidence was one to watch out for.

I remembered earlier, when we queued in the passageway, a female goblin had said he’d evolved. Wondering what that meant, I focused on him and a notification popped up.

You have discovered a unique monster:

Geralt the Great

Geralt is no mere goblin. His story is long and full of hardship, love, and loss. But you don’t give a flying fuck about that do you? I thought not you heartless bastard. Have you never heard of good storytelling? Backstories are the corner stone of a pre-fight episode.

Well, anyway.

He killed a metric fuck tonne of other goblins and humans and basically anything he came across whilst wandering around the forbidden isle. He did that for decades.

Until one day he evolved into a Hobgoblin shedding his scrawny green skin for one hell of an upgrade. Arine, eat your heart out, am I right?

Interesting. So Geralt was a hobgoblin. I recognised the name, but back on earth I was pretty sure they were associated with throwing bombs shaped like pumpkins and riding around on hoverboards whilst a certain spider like individual tried to beat them up.

Sadly, the system didn’t deign to tell me any useful information about hobgoblins in general. It just made more passive aggressive passes at me and name-dropped Arnie.

The system seemed to have a real thing for cultural references. I wondered if that was why it chose outworlders from earth? Or maybe it only learnt about our culture through us. Who knew? It wasn’t important right now.

Not when the announcer was about to introduce Sally.

Our final contestant has come a long, long way folks.

She’s travelled all the way from the eastern continent to take part in our illustrious event. The more the merrier I say!

Not much is known about her except she likes talking smack and she’s copied Geralt with her massive sword. A copy is never as good as the original, but in the interest of good sportsmanship, I’m sure she’ll do alright.

It's Sally… she wouldn’t give us her last name.

The arena was silent, you could have heard a cricket chirping and in my overactive imagination, I did. Panda and I began cheering at the tops of our voices, earning us some mucky looks from the goblins.

Who cared, fuck them. I wanted to cheer on my mentor. Sally looked up at me and nodded but made no further attempt at showmanship or fanfare. That was probably for the best.

She didn’t need to show off, she was strong enough to let her actions speak for her. I was a bit pissed that the announcement had done her dirty like that though.

It played up all the other contestants making them sound like god’s chosen, and then gave a lacklustre and frankly rude introduction for Sally.

Speaking of the announcer, it piped up again.

With our contestants introduced it’s time to explain the rules.

It’s pretty simple, this will be a battle royale. The last one standing takes the crown, simple.

Oh, and speaking of the crown, let’s bring it out!

A shaft of light appeared from the ceiling as a large, golden crown floated down and landed on top of the alter in the middle of the arena.

It turned out it was there for a reason.

The crown was hemmed with deep purple, satin-looking fabric and it had colourful jewels embedded into it. There was no denying that it was a proper crown.

With it being made for a goblin king I’d half expected some twisted brambles or something. But it seemed that they knew their jewellery.

Alright, with that done let’s get on with the show!

Kill! Kill! Kill!

The crowd began screaming and cheering once again as the action kicked off. I had to admit I was excited to see what Sally could do for myself, if a little nervous.

I clutched the wall in front of me so hard my knuckles turned white as I glued my eyes to the action. Using my new Sniper skill to zoom in and out at will. I’d summoned my bow onto my back to activate it.

Sally drew her sword calmly and widened her feet in a readying stance. At the same time Geralt leapt across the arena and swung down with his giant sword, slicing straight through Gerald’s axe to his head, splitting him in two like cracking an egg.

Which, coincidentally, was exactly what it looked like as his brains leaked out onto the floor and the two halves of his body slid apart.

Meanwhile, Gerad charged at Sally with his mace raised above his head. He screamed in a comically high-pitched voice as he closed in on her. She hadn’t moved since taking up her fighting stance.

He pulled his disproportionate arm back and just as he went to swing his weapon Sally struck. She reminded me of a coiled snake, her body was overflowing with kinetic energy and she unleashed it in one impossibly fast movement.

Her sword neatly decapitated Gerad, who, from the look in his eyes, didn’t even realise it had happened.

His head rolled harmlessly across the floor as his fat body went limp and fell in a lifeless pile next to Sally.

Geralt watched her do this and smiled as his eyes locked with hers.

It was like lightning leapt between their gazes as the two powerhouse locked eyes.

The real fight was about to start..