“Disarmed him?” Sally said slowly. “Well you didn’t do a very good job, did you? He only lost his hand.”

“That was a bit of an off-hand jibe,” I replied, struggling not to laugh.

Sally looked at me with a stern expression as Jake continued whimpering as his wrist bled and bubbled.

“Stop whining, you’re supposed to be an adventurer!” She snapped at him.

She picked up her oversized sword and channelled mana into it until it glowed, much like Jake’s had before our duel. Except Sally’s sword glowed like an inferno, I could feel the heat it radiated as it threatened to give me sunburn.

She grabbed his arm roughly and pressed his severed wrist to the blade. He screamed bloody murder as it sizzled and the smell of burnt flesh filled the room. It was repulsive.

“Wow,” Panda remarked as we watched. “That sword really comes in handy.”

She turned to him with a stiff look. Her gaze was terrifying. She was obviously quite upset with our conduct so far.

“Stop!” She growled. “I can’t handle these awful puns anymore.”

I couldn’t hold it in anymore, so many puns. It was too much. The floodgates opened and I burst into laughter. Panda seemed to feel the same way as he held his stomach, laughing with the kind of grimace that only came from the extreme abdominal contractions caused by a giggling fit.

The kind that wasn’t even funny anymore but you couldn’t stop. The kind that physically hurt as your stomach muscles tensed up over and over.

The rest of the room looked at us in abject horror as we giggled like schoolchildren. All the while, Jake sobbed in the corner, nursing his sizzling, cauterised wound.

The pain must have been excruciating. I noticed that his wound wasn’t bubbling anymore though so Sally’s first aid must have stopped my acid from working as well.

Sally ignored us and picked up Jake’s hand. She passed it to him without so much as a hint of being affected by the act of holding a severed hand.

“Take this. If you get to a healer fast enough they’ll be able to reattach it.” She sighed and rubbed her temple with her free hand. “If not, you’ll have to wait a few days for the system to grow it back.”

Wait, the system grows back limbs? I thought, furrowing my brow. Of course that made sense. I’d taken some nasty hits over the last few months since I’d arrived in Celestia.

I’d taken damage that would have easily killed a normal person back on Earth. Hell, I’d even had an arrow shot through my jugular.

If the system could heal that with potions, meditation, or sleep, then it could probably heal anything short of death. Still, though, the idea of a person’s hand growing back was a weird one.

I wonder if it works like it did in Deadpool where it grows back as a baby hand first? I thought, feeling the tug of a smile on my lips at the imagery.

Jake took the hand with his uninjured one and nudged his sword, bringing it back into his inventory. He nursed his severed wrist against his chest, looking truly pitiful.

“What about the exam?” He said slowly as if he was torn between fixing his injury and becoming a full adventurer.

“You’ll have to take the next one,” Sally said sharply and he looked at her with wide, glossy eyes.

His expression hardened after a moment and he glared at me. The vein in his forehead reappeared and his eyes shot venomous daggers at me as he clenched his teeth.

“You’ll regret this…” He stopped, likely realising he didn’t know my name.

“It’s Kaleb,” I said.

“You’ll regret this Kaleb.” He continued as if his threat wasn’t significantly blunted by his blunder. “My father will be hearing about this.”

“Yes, I’m sure he’ll be furious that his noble son started a duel with a commoner and lost,” I replied, an edge of snickering in my tone. “It must bring great shame to the great Milicent family to lose to a simple peasant like me.”

He locked eyes with me for a moment and then left the room in a huff. He didn’t say anything else.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Contact (Sally) would like to chat with you.

Do you accept?

Y/N

I jumped slightly in my seat as the sudden notification appeared on my HUD. It’d been so long since I’d accepted Sally onto my contacts list, that I’d completely forgotten I had one.

Right back when we first set off for the goblin king coronation quest she’d shaken my hand, adding herself to my contacts.

She did it to share the quest with me, but she was still my only contact. I’d never actually used the chat feature before.

I mentally asserted yes.

Sally: Gonads, I don’t know how that happened but I can’t be seen giving you favour. Stop getting into fucking duels!

Kaleb: Sorry Sally. He was asking for it though, and he challenged me, not the other way around.

Sally: He’s a noble. They’re like that. My advice is to try and ignore them, they can be a real pain to deal with.

Contact (Sally) has ended the chat.

Using the chat feature was pretty intuitive. I just thought out a message, which transferred in writing onto my HUD, and then I mentally asserted that I wanted to send it.

I felt a little sour as I read Sally’s messages though. This duel wasn’t my fault. The last one… well I was under the influence of berry-infused smoke that made me act like a frat guy.

This time though, it was definitely the other guy’s fault. I wasn’t sure what to make of her advice about trying to ignore nobles. I mean, I didn’t want anything to do with them if they were all going to be like Jake Milicent.

Still, though, I wasn’t just going to sit back and take shit from someone just because of their title. The local culture might say otherwise, but I’m from Yorkshire and we don’t take shit from anyone. Let alone those who can’t back up their words.

After Jake left the room, Sally took his seat and sat at the head of the table. She sighed loudly and rubbed her temples with her hands. As she creased her arms to do this, her steroid-test biceps flexed menacingly and the three other examinees shrank back even further into their chairs.

I couldn’t feel it myself, but I guessed she released some of her mana again – or aura, or whatever it was they called it.

“Right.” She said slowly before looking up at us. “My name is Sally. I’m a silver-ranked adventurer and I’ve been tasked with overseeing this examination…. Unfortunately.” She finished, shooting me a look which I smiled at.

She took a few moments to compose herself and then leaned back in her chair, placing her feet on the table. She plucked a cigar out of her inventory and lit it with the tip of her oversized, black sword.

Then, she took a deep drag, tipped her head back, and let out a sweet-smelling puff of thick smoke.

I hope she’s not taking that smoke back. You’re just supposed to hold cigar smoke in your mouth. Taking it back is a one-way ticket to lung cancer city. I thought as I watched her inhale the black cloud.

Panda joined Sally in lighting up, once again puffing on his bamboo pipe. He sat cross-legged to the side of me, on the table.

I noticed my sleeve twitch and I turned towards the girl who was sitting next to me. Her cheeks were slightly red as her hand tugged gently on the sleeve of my armour.

“Hey,” she said quickly, in a whisper. “Can I stroke your panda?”

I looked at her for a moment in disbelief. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was expecting her to say but it definitely wasn’t that.

I felt myself blink a few times as I looked at her big anime eyes. I couldn’t say no to a face like that.

“Yeah, go ahead,” I whispered back.

Her round face lit up as sparkles danced in her eyes and a cute, but kinda evil, smile formed on her lips.

Without warning, she reached out from behind and grabbed Panda under his arms like a plushie toy. She pulled him into her chest and began squeezing him like he was a teddy bear.

“Oh wow, he’s so warm and fluffy.” She gasped.

“What the…” Panda said as he was suddenly yanked from the table and into the clutches of a stranger. “Kaleb help! I’m being Panda-napped.” He squealed, looking at me with a panicked expression as he struggled to comprehend what was happening.

“Pandas are an endangered species, manhandling me is a crime!” He yelled at Bell, who simply hugged him tighter, childish delight shining in her big eyes.

“Panda shut the fuck up,” Sally said, lifting her foot and slamming it back down onto the table. “Jeez, I’m a god damned adventurer, not a babysitter. Lucas is gonna pay for this gig.” She muttered to herself before taking another drag.

Reggie and the other guy looked awkwardly between us and Sally. I could tell that they didn’t have a clue what was going on.

Panda stopped shouting but he did continue to look at me with pleading eyes as the girl nuzzled him like a plushie. I fought the urge to laugh and instead returned a barely contained smile.

“Alright class, listen up,” Sally said, seeming to have gathered her thoughts finally. “In a minute we’re going to leave the city to take on an exam quest as a group. The Director has given you a doozy of an exam quest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite like this before.”

She chuckled to herself as her eyes glazed slightly. I was pretty sure she was reading a quest notification as she spoke.

“I’ll have to add you all to my contacts to share the details.” She sighed, removing her legs from the table, and leaning forward.

She stretched both of her hands out towards the two guys closest to her who tentatively shook with her. She grinned as she squeezed their hands and both of them experienced simultaneous pain; it was obvious by the mirrored grimaces on their faces.

Poor guys. I thought she did that to me too on my first quest.

Then, she stood up and skirted the table, moving towards the girl next to me. The girl was so immersed in her toy panda that she barely noticed Sally until she was practically on top of her.

“If you hug him any tighter he might explode,” Sally said as she reached the girl.

The girl looked up at her and her eyes widened, if that was possible, as she stared at the towering, hulking catonid before her.

She relaxed her grip on Panda slightly and took Sally’s outstretched hand.

“What’s your name, kid?” Sally asked with suspicious politeness.

“It’s Bell, ma’am.” She replied awkwardly.

“Well, Bell. I’m glad you like animals.” Sally replied with an evil glint in her eyes. “Because if you wanna pass this exam, you’re gonna have to kill one. We’re going dragon hunting.”