You have received a new item!
+1 Sunglasses
These bad boys give plus one to your charisma, not that you have any. You should take them; you need all the help you can get.
That was strange, charisma wasn’t even on my stats list. Were there hidden stats that I couldn’t track or was the system being literal when it said I didn’t have any? Before I had a chance to check, the next notification popped up.
You have received a new item!
Pussy Patrol T-shirt
There’s nothing magical about it. It’s a t-shirt. Better luck next time.
That was a little disappointing. I needed some clothes but pussy patrol? It wasn’t my preferred choice, to put it mildly. Not to mention it was probably covered in asshole deer blood.
You have received a new item!
Antlers x2
Antlers, they’re useful both as a potion ingredient and as an ornament for the hood of your pickup truck. Yeehaw!
You have received a new item!
Pervert’s Lighter
You don’t need me to explain what this is.
As soon as the notifications had ended the four stags burst into silver confetti and began floating away into the sky. It was just like with the Loconut but without the awful smell.
I was about to try on the sunglasses when I noticed the exclamation mark in the top left corner of my HUD. I’d almost forgotten, I still had more notifications from the battle. It was probably best to open them now before I got sucked into trying out my loot.
You have gained a new combat skill:
Bow
Bow has advanced to lvl 1
Bow has advanced to lvl 2
Due to Bow advancing to lvl 2, you can now choose a new combat skill.
Pick 1/3:
A new combat skill? Now that’s more like it! I thought, pumping my fist in the air, and immediately regretting it as my stomach throbbed reminding me of the wound I hadn’t healed yet.
By the sound of it I could choose one, but I had three options.
“That’s awfully magnanimous of you.” I mumbled to myself.
Through a grimace, I looked through my options.
Novice Bowman
A novice bowman has more chance of actually hitting what they aim for instead of, say, accidentally shooting a stripper right off the pole. You should pick this one, you reeeaaallly need it.
It seemed the system was back to its old self again. I didn’t know why it was so rude to me, but in this case it was actually kind of right. I’d been aiming for Groom but missed and hit the stripper in the face instead. It was probably right; Novice Bowman was a good choice. I kept scrolling anyway.
Hair Regrowth
Since you love using Loconut’s Hair instead of arrows I figured I’d give you a skill for it. Now, if you land a successful hit using Loconut’s Hair a replacement hair will appear in your inventory. Like you said, I’m magnanimous.
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Infinite ammo was a pretty good perk, I wasn’t going to lie. But I had the feeling that real arrows would be better and surely I’d find some eventually. It was a skill that would help in the short term but would probably become pretty redundant pretty fast.
Also, that last bit at the end of the skill worried me. I’d gotten this achievement during the fight, yet the system mentioned something I’d only said a minute ago, after reading the last notification.
If that meant it could change skills and rewards on the fly then I needed to be more careful with what I said aloud. It was obviously listening. Creepy.
Heat Seeking Hair-sile
This one’s a personal favourite of mine. What’s better than shooting hair at people? Shooting hair that locks onto a target and won’t go away until it hits its mark. Like a friendly bumblebee of death.
That would be pretty useful, especially since I wasn’t the best shot. But my accuracy wouldn’t improve if I had a targeting system and once again, the skill would be redundant in the long term once I found some arrows. Even though it was the most boring option, it only made sense to go for the first skill on offer.
The idea of playing into the system’s hands annoyed me a bit though, considering it advised me to pick that one. Though maybe that’d get it off my back for a little while. Without fanfare I mentally asserted that I wanted to pick Novice Bowman. A moment after that another notification appeared and this one caught me by surprise.
You have gained a new combat skill:
Dagger
Dagger has advanced to lvl 1
Dagger has advanced to lvl 2
Dagger has advanced to lvl 3
Due to Dagger advancing to lvl 2, you can now choose a new combat skill.
Pick 1/3:
I was caught off guard by being awarded a dagger skill, though it did make sense. I’d killed three of the stags with a dagger. I picked up the blood-soaked weapon and looked at it fondly.
“We might not have started off on good terms with you stabbing me and all, but you really saved my ass back there.” I said, realising soon after how odd I must look talking to a dagger like an utter psychopath.
I put the dagger into my inventory and looked at the skill choices.
Novice Daggerman
It’s the same as the bow skill you just picked but with more slicing. You get the picture.
Stagger Dagger
Slicing an enemy with your dagger has a 10% chance of stunning them. This applies to every hit by the way, so if you cut a single enemy ten times they’re gonna get stunned, probably. Also wordplay, because you murdered all those harmless Stag Party guys in cold blood.
“It was not in cold blood!” I shouted at the sky, causing my stomach wound to hurt again.
Despite the ridiculous explanation, the skill itself was actually pretty good. However, the last one was better.
Dhampir Dagger
A Dhampir is the offspring of a human and a vampire. They can’t turn into bats or anything but in some earthen mythos they drink blood to gain power, or because they think they’re edgy or whatever. Anyway, the point is that the Dhampir Dagger will steal HP with every cut you make. That’s right, cut them and heal yourself in the process!
Gain 10% of damage inflicted by the dagger as HP.
Without hesitation I picked that one. It was a no brainer really. If I’d had that skill already I wouldn’t be sat at 10/25 HP. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, my health increased by 5 points because I reached level 3 so I had been healed ever so slightly. I figured that was what stopped the bleeding and caused the wound to scab over.
I really wanted to sit there a little longer and go through the loot I’d gotten, but I figured it was about time I ate something, completed that quest, and hopefully healed myself back up.
For all I knew there were monsters roaming around and I needed to be in fighting shape if I wanted to have any chance of surviving long enough to justify picking the most boring bow skill.
I pulled myself up and looked at the Doe Dancer.
The system asked me if I wanted to loot her, a hovering notification floated above her corpse. I decided not to press Y or N though. I didn’t want to risk her disappearing. Instead, I pulled my new dagger from my inventory and cut into her back. I cut a sizable chunk out of her, gipping as I went.
It didn’t smell bad or anything, it was just gross. She may have been a deer but she was wearing underwear and makeup. It felt so wrong to cut her up for food, even if that was exactly what people did back home to the non-stripping deer we had there.
After a bit of messing around I managed to get the chunk free and a notification popped up.
New consumable received:
Stripper Steak x1
Restores up to 50 HP and tastes like cigarettes and regret.
I really hoped that last part wasn’t true as I stored the meat in my inventory. Looking back up at the dead Doe Dancer I smiled. Not because she was dead, or because she was a stripper, but because the loot notification was still there.
I didn’t know yet whether my inventory would keep food fresh so I wasn’t about to carry an entire deer’s worth of meat in there. Not when there was sweet, sweet loot to be had.
You have received a new item!
Stripper Heels
These bad boys will make you look six inches taller and if you don’t think that’s a lot then imagine how all the women you’ve dated felt.
+1 to sex appeal.
Ok that’s not a real stat, I made it up.
Well that was a waste of time. I should have just butchered her after all. I thought with an audible sigh.
Either way, it was time to eat.
My stab wound wasn’t going to heal itself. Luckily, I had everything I needed to get the stripper steak to a nice medium rare.
Grinning, I took out the pussy patrol t-shirt and the pervert’s lighter. I placed them to one side of the stage in front of me. Next I grabbed one of the antlers and the stripper steak.
I stabbed the antler through the steak. Then I lit the t-shirt on fire and began slowly rotating the steak over the fire.
The lighter itself was a bronze colour and it had a motif of a pole dancing deer on it. It was a bit gaudy but I guess that’s why it was called Pervert’s Lighter.
“I bet you wanna make a spit roast joke right about now don’t you?” I said, looking towards the sky.
I didn’t know how long I’d been in this new world but it wasn’t showing signs of getting dark any time soon. I wondered for a moment if days followed the same pattern I was used to. Maybe it never got dark, or maybe it did but the days lasted twice as long or something. Who knew, but I wasn’t too tired either, despite the ridiculous day I’d been having, so it probably just wasn’t all that late yet.
As I continued rotating the steak I smiled to myself as I pictured the system announcer, whoever or whatever it may be, cursing to itself as it realised I wasn’t going to be wearing the ridiculous shirt it gave me.
Pretty soon the steak was looking good and smelling even better. Even without seasoning, the gamey smell made my mouth water. I usually ate deer medium rare, and by usually I meant that one time I had deer in a nice restaurant, but I was so hungry I figured I’d try it rare.
I bit into the steak and it was worth taking it off the spit early. The flavour exploded in my mouth. Fresh game was my new favourite food. Holy shit, no wonder people hunted these things so much.
I ate it like a chicken wing, gorging myself on the succulent stripper meat. I’d known I was hungry, but I didn’t realise quite how famished I really was. I was so glad that it didn’t really taste like cigarettes and regret.
I finished up, tossing the left-over sinew and gristle onto the dying shirt fire. I felt really tired all of a sudden. I guess it made sense, it had been a long day and I’d just eaten. It was pretty normal to want to nap after a big meal and I did eat a lot of stripper steak.
I turned around and laid my head back against the stage. I was sure it would be ok to nap for a little while. Hopefully the smell of cooked meat wouldn’t attract the monsters or anything. Honestly I was so tired I didn’t even care if it did. I couldn’t fight it; my eyes were drooping whether I wanted them to or not.
Just as I was drifting off a notification pooped up on my HUD.
*WARNING*
You are being hunted!
I warned you not to eat the stripper.