Raditz is confused. He swears, he was just watching old Dragon Ball Z episodes on the toilet. Now, he's next to a crater in the ass end of nowhere, and he can hear crying from inside the crater.

...Not that he's going to check. It sounds like a kid, but that's how most of the shitty horror movies starts.

His tail swishes behind him as he attempts to get his bearings.

Wait...

Tail?!

"What the hell?" Raditz softly says to himself as he blankly looks at the monkey tail connected to his body. Speaking of that...

"What the hell?!" he shouts, finally noticing the very unfamiliar body he finds himself in.

The body is tall, rippling with thick muscles. He grins in amazement as he turns to look himself over.

'Woah... muscles... that's a first.' he thinks.

After a quick check, he is able to confirm a few things about his new body.

First, it seems to be built like a brick house, the mass of muscles rivaling many top athletes he's seen online. Second, his hair is far longer than he's used to, to the point where it actually distracts him, getting in his face several times as he looks himself over. And third, the clothes he's wearing are nothing like any clothes he's seen in person. As a matter of fact, it almost remind him of Saiyan armor...

"This has got to be the weirdest dream I've had..." the stunned man mutters, taking note of the ring-like decorations on his left arm and leg.

Just when he's finally coming to terms with this 'dream' he finds himself in, a blue, transparent screen appears in front of his eyes. Startled, he takes a step back... then promptly falls on his ass, not used to moving a body this tall or muscular.

Initializing............

Transfer successful! Welcome User: Raditz!

"..."

'Maybe I need to lay off the web novels.' Raditz thinks, completely blanking out as he looks at the screen, barely even registering his new name.

Soul Fusion: Successful

Body Transfer: Successful

Memory Transfer: Pending

Warning: Safe Mode is off. To avoid potential trauma, please turn Safe Mode on.

He stares numbly at the screen in front of him, pinching his arm to make sure that he's awake.

'Did... did I just get Isekai'd?!' the thought almost makes him ecstatic.

He's not on Earth! He doesn't need to worry about food, about his job! No responsibilities, nobody forcing him to do work, he can just sit back, relax, and laze around.

'If I got Isekai'd, then I--'

Warning: Safe Mode is off. To avoid potential trauma, please turn Safe Mode on.

'--should be way stronger than most people. I should find a way to exploit this power for cash! With any luck, I can make enough to comfortably live off of for the rest of my life. Wait! Do--'

Warning: Safe Mode is off. To avoid potential trauma, please turn Safe Mode on.

'--I have an extended lifespan?! What did I get reincarnated into, anyways? It looks strong, and vaguely humanoid. Am I a Saiyan? Yeah, I must be! Hopefully this is after the events of--'

Warning: Safe Mode is off. To avoid potential trauma, please turn Safe Mode on.

'--the show. Or before, I'd settle for before. Saiyans are space pirates, right? I can find a low strength, high tech world, and offer my services in exchange for food and luxuries. Good plan, me! I can already tell, this is going to be an easy, simple, laidback life.'

Safe Mode is off. Commencing Memory Transfer.

His skull gets hammered with pain, agony so sharp that it almost knocks Raditz out. Like a thousand white-hot needles stabbing into his brain.

"AHHH!" Raditz cries out, all happy thoughts obliterated by the intense migraine pounding his skull.

Memory Transfer: 0.1/100%

Warning: Safe Mode is off. To avoid potential trauma, please turn Safe Mode on.

Memory Transfer: 0.2/100%

"SAFE MODE ON!" he screams, barely able to force the words out through the intense agony. "SAFE MODE ON!"

Safe Mode is on. To avoid potential trauma, the user will be rendered unconscious. Goodnight, Raditz.

His vision quickly darkens, Raditz is able to get one last thought before his vision fades completely.

'I'm Raditz?! Then that crying kid... fuck.'

Goku is not having a good day. First, he finds out that he's an alien from a race of genocidal maniacs, then he finds out that his brother is more or less the stereotype of said genocidal maniacs, and then his son gets kidnapped. If Raditz or Piccolo doesn't kill him, Chi Chi will.

That is a big if though. He doesn't exactly like the way Piccolo keeps side-eyeing him. If Gohan and the Earth weren't in danger, than Goku doubts he'd be willing to team up with Piccolo. The silence of the duo's flight is quickly broken after Goku has these thoughts.

"So... your older brother, huh? You got a plan to deal with him, or do you plan on politely asking him to leave?" Piccolo says, barely audible over the wind.

"I was kind of hoping you'd have a plan... maybe grab his tail? I used to freeze up when someone touched mine." Goku replies, leaning back on the nimbus cloud.

"And how do you propose we do that?" Piccolo asks. "He's faster, tougher, and more powerful than both of us combined."

"He didn't seem that skilled. Unless you've got something hidden up your sleeve, that's the best chance we have."

"Well, now that you mention it..." Piccolo says, stretching out the sentence dramatically. "I do have one technique I've been working on. I'll need time to charge it, but if it hits, he'll die for sure."

"How much time do you need?"

Piccolo is silent for a few moments, long enough that Goku wonders if the wind drowned his question out. Before he can repeat it, Piccolo answers. "...Five minutes."

"Five minutes?!" Goku says, shocked. "He could probably kill us in 2!"

"You're a martial artist! I'm sure you can squeeze out a few more minutes." the green warrior snaps

"I'll try my best..."

"Your best had better be enough, or we're all going to die."

They fall into an awkward silence as they continue their flight.

Raditz feels like crap. His head hurts, he can't remember his real name-- hell, he can barely remember anything about his past life--, and now he has to deal with Kakarot and Piccolo, who will surely be here soon. As if that wasn't enough, the day itself is hellish. The sun beats down on him as he lies on the grass. If it was just a little bit cooler, he may actually enjoy it. Alas, this world just keeps doing its best to make him miserable. He should've left Kakarot alone. Or at least, he should've killed him, ditched the kid, and left to find a cooler planet.

'No wait, I didn't choose to come here, the other Raditz did.' he thinks to himself, rubbing his head in an attempt to get rid of the last of his migraine.

'I bet Kakarot and the Namekian-- no, Goku and Piccolo-- are already on their way. Maybe I can give them Gohan and let bygones be bygones? The little runt shouldn't be too injured. After all, he's in the... in the... in the ship!'

Raditz's mind races as his eyes shoot open. 'Do Saiyan ships have air conditioning?! He was fine in the show, so he should be fine now... right?'

His vision is filled by a blue, transparent screen as he scrambles to get up.

Memory Transfer complete. Congratulations User: Raditz!

You have gained access to the memories of the previous owner of this body.

Soul Fusion: Successful

Body Transfer: Successful

Memory Transfer: Successful

Congratulations! You have gained access to your character sheet. With it, you can see your current power level, transformations, the state of your body, and any techniques you have gained access to. You may also-

Raditz waves the screen away like one would a fly, vaguely surprised that it actually disappears. His mind instantly focuses at the task at hand, making sure that his nephew hasn't fried in the space pod.

'Shit, did I just leave a toddler in a hot car?! Oh no, oh crap baskets. Did I just kill a kid? He's Half-Saiyan, so he should be fine. Either way, it wouldn't be my fault! The other Raditz did this, not me.'

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He races to the space pod, astonished by the speed and control he has over this body, over his body.

Gohan is visible through the red, glass-like material at the front of the pod. Besides the crying, he seems fine... or as fine as a victim of kidnapping can be.

'Ok... how do I open this thing?' he thinks, going through his jumbled up memories in an attempt to find some clue as to what to do.

'Right! It has a remote control!'

After digging through his pockets for a few moments, Raditz finds what he's looking for. A small, rectangular piece of metal, looking almost like a calculator. After wracking his brains for a few moments, he remembers which buttons are used to open the pod. The sound of Gohan's shrill, annoying cries instantly pierce his ears.

"Argh! Shut up already!" Raditz yells.

Gohan responds by crying, his Uncle's shouting not doing anything to calm him down.

Raditz's scouter joins in the fun, beeping as two power levels begin to get closer and closer. Raditz, too preoccupied with yelling at a small child, ignores it.

'Well, the air inside the pod seems pretty cold. I guess he's--' "SHUT UP!" Raditz roars, shaken out of his thoughts by the child's crying.

And it is at this exact moment that he gets blasted from behind, getting thrown away from his space pod.

Piccolo grins as the alien gets launched away, glad to see that his blast was a direct hit. His grin quickly fades as Goku turns to him, anger plain on the shorter man's face.

"What was that about?!" Goku demands. "He was right in front of Gohan! You almost blasted him!"

"Your kid is fine, and your brother isn't near him now. Would you prefer that I wait until that bastard has noticed us?" Piccolo replies. "Besides, if he did die, we could just get the dragon balls to wish him back. We can't do that if we're all dead, can we?"

Goku's reply dies in his throat as he sees Raditz get up from where Piccolo's blast launched him, completely unharmed by the attack.

'Ow! Dammit! What happened?!' the long-haired Saiyan thinks as he gets to his feet. He gives himself a once-over, noticing no wounds on him. The pain has faded too, to his immense relief.

'That wasn't that bad... oh, right! System, character sheet!'

Accessing character sheet......

Name: Raditz

Age: 34

Gender: Male

Race: Saiyan

Date of Birth: January 9th, Age 727

Mood:--

Raditz shakes his head, interrupting the blue screen before it can continue. "System, just give me the important information. Leave the details out of it."

Name: Raditz

Age: 34

Power level: 1500

Health: 96/100

Stamina: 100/100

Ki:100/100

Transformations: Great Ape (Uncontrolled)

Techniques: Error. User cannot control Ki. Access to techniques is denied.

"Dammit! There goes my dreams of shooting a Ki blast!' Raditz thinks, shaking his head in despair at this new piece of information.

"Now, what exactly hit...' he begins, before his thoughts are cut off as he turns around. Standing in front of him is a tall Namekian and his younger brother, Kakarot. He can see Gohan fly away on a yellow cloud right before his attention snaps back onto the pair of enemies.

His scouter blares out a warning as Piccolo's fingers go to his forehead, the Namekian's power level slowly beginning to rise. Raditz opens his mouth to speak, but Goku is on him before he can get any words out.

A knee to the ribs sends Raditz stumbling backwards, right before Goku follows it up with a palm strike to his older brother's face. To Raditz's surprise, Goku seems to be moving at a snail's pace. He easily dodges the hit, responding with a clumsy punch towards the shorter man. Goku, seemingly prepared for this, is barely able to avoid the hit. Grabbing onto the arm, he heaves Raditz over his shoulder, slamming the larger man into the dirt, which he follows with several punches.

Warning: Health at 95%

The screen appears in front of him. helpfully reminding him that he's getting his ass kicked. The screen filling his vision is quickly replaced by the fist of his younger brother. The first nails him, but Raditz reflexively jerks his head to the side to dodge the second, cringing slightly as the fist gets buried into the ground beside his skull. With speed that surprises him, he slams his own fist into the weaker Saiyan's stomach, sending him flying into the air.

He springs back to his feet, looking up at the spiky haired fighter doing... something above him. He appears to be saying something, but Raditz can't hear the exact words. Something about Kami? A curse, maybe?

'What swears do they have in Dragon Ball?' he thinks, taking a moment to consider his options. '...I'll think about that later. I sure do wish that I could fire Ki blasts right now... or fly... He's too far away for me to hit-- wait, do I want to hit him? On one hand, if I beat the crap out of him, I'm sure he'd be more willing to let me leave... but on the other hand, I don't think I'm winning this without flight. Maybe I should surrender now? Offering to leave can't hurt--'

His thoughts are cut off as Goku fires a large beam of blue light at him. As the blast incinerates the area around him, Raditz finally realizes what's going on.

'Is that a Kamehameha?! Did I just get hit by a Kamehameha?! That's... that's so fucking cool!'

These thoughts are quickly cut off as pain courses through his body, along with a blue screen appearing to remind him that getting hit hurts.

Warning: Health at 94%

Warning: Health at 93%

Waning: Health at--

'OK! I get it! System, turn off the health warnings for anything besides 10% ,25%, and 50%.'

Warning: Stamina at 99%

'...System, make sure Ki and Stamina warnings are the same as the health warnings'

He shakes his head to clear his thoughts as Goku rockets towards him. Leaning his head to the left, he barely dodges the martial artist's strike. Grabbing the arm that just missed him, he slams the Saiyan into the ground, feeling a faint sense of satisfaction as his opponent grimaces in pain. He follows up with a stomp, pleasantly surprised that he actually connects. With one last attack, a two-handed overhead swing, he takes Goku out of the fight. He grins, triumphant, as he looks towards Piccolo.

His grin quickly fades as his body stiffens up, intense pain spreading through him.

Warning: User is paralyzed

With a great effort, Raditz looks over his shoulder, spotting Goku grasping his tail. He opens his mouth to speak, struggling to get the words out. "What... what are you doing?!"

Goku replies with a chuckle, his voice faint from the beating he just endured. "Making sure you don't survive this fight and destroy my planet."

Raditz's mind goes into overdrive. 'Shit! How did Raditz get out of this in the show?! Will that even work here?!'

His words, filled with genuine fear, spill out uncontrollably. "Wait wait wait! I'll leave, I won't bother you anymore! Please! I just wanted to test your strength, one Saiyan to another! Let go of me, I beg you!"

Goku continues to hold on, ignoring Raditz's words as he waits for Piccolo to finish this.

"You wouldn't kill your own brother, would you? Please Kakarot, let me go. I promise I'll leave!"

Goku's grip begins to loosen, feeling pity for the man he was just fighting.

"Goku! It's a trick! Do not let him go! It's almost ready!" Piccolo roars from the distance.

"He'll kill me Kakarot! Please! Your son is safe, you're alive, and you've beaten me! You'll never hear from me again if you let me go!"

"..." Goku knows that this is a bad idea. He knows that the man in front of him is merciless, he knows that his words are lies.

And yet... what if he's telling the truth? He sounds genuine. Goku isn't merciless. He doesn't want to kill some of the only family he has left. As these thoughts race through his mind, Goku's grip on Raditz's tail slackens, letting his older brother go.

With no small amount of relief, the larger man turns towards Goku, and surprising words spill out from his brother's mouth.

"Thank you." Raditz says, a relieved smile plain on his face. Before Goku can respond, Raditz's smile freezes as he looks in front of him blankly.

Warning: User is diverting too much from the proper history. Goku must die!

New quest: Goku must die!

Quest details: If Goku survives, he'll never train with King Kai! Kill Goku and alert Vegeta and Nappa about what has happened on Earth.

Time remaining: Five minutes

Rewards: 1 Full Heal, access to A Beginner's Guide to Ki Control

Punishment for failure: Death

"..."

Raditz stares at the screen in front of him, dread filling his heart.

'I've never killed anyone before! I don't want to kill anyone! But... but I don't want to die!' he thinks, fear rushing through his mind.

"Oh no..." the words slips out before he can stop himself, ignoring Goku's questioning look, he continues to speak, his voice unsteady. "...I'm sorry."

Before Goku can reply, Raditz's fist pierces the younger man's chest, coming out the other side. Raditz quickly pulls his arm back, doing his best to ignore the betrayed look of shock on Goku's face. He turns away, fighting back tears that threaten to spill out. Right before he can turn towards his ship, he feels incredible pain from his abdomen...

Raditz stares numbly at the beam that just passed through his stomach before he falls to the ground, his vision darkening. Acting on instinct, he turns his scouter to 'message' mode, transmitting audio to Vegeta and Nappa, his Saiyan allies.

'Fuck... I hope I can get this "evil villain monologue" right...'

Piccolo watches with satisfaction as the Saiyan falls. This day couldn't get any better! The only people strong enough to threaten him have just died! Although the ending does leave a sour taste in his mouth...

'Tch... I was hoping to deal with Goku myself.'

Before the Namekian can mope too much about the death of his rival, he is jolted out of his thoughts by the Saiyan's wicked laughter.

"You're a fool if you think this is over... two Saiyans far stronger than me now know about what's happened here! In a year, they'll avenge me, and wipe you and the Earthlings off this pathetic planet! They'll take your 'wish granting Dragon Balls' and bring me back to life! I hope you enjoy what little time you have left! Hahahaha!"

As the Saiyan begins to still, Piccolo can't help but feel fear, along with confusion. How did he learn about the Dragon Balls?! He briefly considers blasting the body to manage his anger... but that would also hit Goku, and he doubts the others would be happy to see him desecrate their friend's body.

"Ugh. It looks like I'll have to wish you back, Goku. You better be stronger by then. I know I will be..."

Piccolo turns his head, sensing several people heading this way.

"And of course your friends are here..."

Ding!

Quest complete!

You have gained: 1 Full Heal. Access to A Beginner's Guide to Ki Control. Check your inventory to see these items.

Warning: Health is below 10%

Warning: User is bleeding out

Warning: Stamina is below 10%

Warning: Health is at 1%

Raditz can barely think. Everything hurts. His vision is fading. He can feel the blood boiling around the wound, he can feel where his organs were vaporized. He can barely think through the pain, and it takes a few moments for him to recognize the words in front of him. Grasping this last hope, he instantly shouts within his head.

'System! Use the Full Heal!'

Using the Full Heal

He gasps in shock as the pain disappears, almost like it was never there to begin with. The hole in his stomach is gone too, and he seems to be in perfect health. He presses a button on the calculator-like remote that controls his ship, hoping that Piccolo is too distracted by Krillin and the others to notice the ship heading towards Raditz. While waiting for it to get close to him, he turns off the 'message' mode of his scouter.

'If I can get out of here, Vegeta and Nappa won't know that I've survived! I can actually fulfill my dream and find a weak planet to live on!' he thinks to himself, doing his best to ignore the fact that he just killed a man.

To his relief, nobody shouts in surprise as the ship lands next to him. He presses a button to open the white ship, and it is at this moment that he is noticed. He can hear shouting from Krillin as he tumbles into the ship. Acting quickly, Raditz slams a button on the controls down, closing the pod and sending it flying through the air. Wracking his memories, he chooses a nice, small, weak planet to relax on.

With a small grin, the Saiyan settles in for a long flight, happy that things finally seem to be going his way...

His scouter erupts with sound, shaking him out of his daydreaming.

"Raditz! You over-dramatic runt! Where are you?! I can tell that you're alive! What the hell happened?!" Nappa shouts, his voice going directly into Raditz's ear. "Your vitals went dangerously low!"

"My vitals?! What...?" Raditz begins, before he is quickly cut off.

"Listen runt, did you forget that your scouter transmits your vitals to Frieza's database every second?! What happened?!" Nappa yells through the scouter.

'There goes that plan...' Raditz thinks, not being able to stop a sigh as it leaves his mouth.

"Were you trying to pull a fast one on us?!" Nappa demands. "Is that why your vitals are back to normal?!"

"Well I... no I wasn't trying to pull a fast one. I just forgot for a moment, Nappa. I got injured during my mission." Raditz stammers, feeling fear towards the voice coming out of his scouter.

"You went to a backwater planet to retrieve your brother, and almost died doing it?! I knew you were weak, but this is pathetic! You told me that the average power level there was 5!" Nappa screams.

"It is! Some of the Earthlings are just far stronger than expected. They can hide their power levels!" he says, trying to defend himself.

The bald Saiyan opens his mouth to reply, but is cut off by another voice. Raditz can't hear what this other voice says...but he feels instinctual dread towards it. After a few moments, Nappa's voice blares in his ear.

"Ugh... whatever, weakling. Me and Vegeta will arrive there in about one year. You'd better meet us there, or I'll hunt you down!" Nappa growls. "If I find out that you were lying, and that there are no 'Dragon Balls', I will make you regret it. Understood?!"

"...Yes, Nappa." he says, seconds before Nappa hangs up.

'Well, at least I can relax for a year...' Raditz thinks miserably, settling in for a long flight.