I wanted to grow up as fast as I could so I can do anything I ever wanted. Once I was old enough, I wouldn’t have to ask my mom if we had the money or ask if she wanted to. I could get everything by myself. I could finally be a kid and have a childhood that I always wished for. I never got around to doing that, did I?

I hated that I never did. I hated that I was born. I liked weird things and hobbies. I couldn’t communicate properly and it made me ostracized. No one liked this Grace and I started to repress her. I hid more bits and bits as I started to get more and more friends. It only validated me in thinking that Grace couldn’t be loved. She never gave me anything worthwhile. All she brought was torment and suffering. I hid away from her. I made friends, lots of them and I wasn’t so alone anymore. I wasn’t empty. I was happy, so much so, that I forgot what I gave up. I forgot what she wanted. I was ashamed of her. But I also have been ashamed that I believed she wasn’t anything worthwhile. It was easier to put all the blame on her than to find out she was.

But she’s never been not me, that’s the trip.

I know love exists because it’s in me and I exist.

I’ve always been enough.

The first thing my friends comment and compliment me on when we meet up at the mall is my hair. “Wow, girl, you look so exotic,” Maddie says.

“It really suits you,” Liz says.

“It really brings me back,” Tina giggles.

I cut my hair short into a french bob. I also dyed it back to its natural brown. It’s exactly how I had it my entire life before I started to grow it out. I’m older now. I know how to style it to give it texture and form now. It’s now what it could have always been.

I spent an hour staring at myself in the mirror this morning.

I’m so pretty now.

Yuele, who I came with, says, “Don’t feed into her ego and make her more conceited than she already is.”

I laugh, “Oh shut it, Yuele.”

My friends introduce themselves to the only person who I could be myself around. It’s always jarring trying to mix two worlds that have always been separate. It’s a bit nerve-wracking, but it goes well. My friends love me. I trust them.

We head inside the bookstore where we met in front of. My three friends would never willingly go inside. They wouldn’t buy anything either but it doesn’t stop them from splitting up exploring and checking everything out.

“I caught up with One Piece,” I tell Yuele, picking up the newest released volume I intend to buy.

“Finally,” Yuele flips through the pages of another manga he grabs. “You check out that series I told you about last week?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, right?”

“Mhmm,” I nod. “I didn’t think it would be that gory. Come on, there’s other stuff I want to buy.”

Maddie, Liz and Tina catch up to us after I take Yuele to the toy section. Maddie snatches the mech figure box I was looking at out of my hands. “Woah, this thing is expensive.”

“Don’t you have to build it yourself?” Tina asks.

“Wait, you’re buying this?” Maddie hands me the box back. “Are you into things like this?”

“Yeah. Well not this exactly, but I always like to make figures. Mom never had the money to buy me these. Most of what I have I carved out of wood.”

“You never mentioned it. Why don’t you have them in your room?” Liz says.

“There's a box somewhere.”

Maddie snatches the manga comic out under my armpit. “I knew it was weird you wanted to come here first. And here I thought I knew everything about you.”

“I’m sorry to disappoint,” I laugh.

Maddie and Liz shake their heads. I look over at Tina. She knows me the best. She’s always known. She’s happy I’m here.

“No girl, what other cool shit are you into?”

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“Video games too,” Yuele says for me. “But I wouldn’t really call what she likes cool. Grace is a big dork.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

I shrug, “It never came up.”

I understand myself a little bit better every new day. The empty hole inside me closes little by little every time I do something the child inside me always wanted. It closes every time I have an honest talk with my mom. It heals when I buy dumb little stuffed animals. I have room sleepovers with Sara and build forts with her. I’ve gone on picnics, blown bubbles and gazed at the stars. I’ve gone to the amusement park, to the pool and learned how to roller skate. I’ve gone on a walk.

I talk to Gracie every night.

I hug her.

“I guess I've been scared to.”

“Where else do you want to go?” Tina asks me. “I always wanted to build a bear. How about it?”

“Gosh, I can’t remember the last time my parents took me there,” Liz laughs.

A bear that I can make however I want. I haven’t thought of that yet.

“Yeah, lets.”

Yuele leads the pack in front. He’s a natural at it. Liz comments on how it must feel for him that it looks like he's in charge of three beautiful girls. My friends have only just met him. They all seem to like him. None of them have pulled me to the side and expressed their attractiveness luckily, at least not yet. I have been pulled and questioned why I’m not with him. It’s not a place to tell them anything Yuele wouldn’t want them to know. He has to get comfortable to be that vulnerable.

Just how I need to get comfortable being vulnerable with my friends. I haven’t told them much about what happened. It’s hard to open up, but that’s what I’m trying to do today. It’s been the hardest with my mom, but she’s been teaching me how. She’s patient. Helping people is what she’s best at. There’s still so much I don’t understand, but I’m my mother’s daughter.

I know there’s good in me because there’s good in her. There’s no one better to help me navigate what she’s been doing her entire life.

I find a white teddy bear that feels like it suits me the most. I get stuck between picking overalls or dinosaur PJ’s to put on. Tina helps me decide on the overalls. Liz helps me pick the high top shoes. Maddie puts a pair of glasses on the teddy bear and Yuele says, “It looks just like you, Grace.”

I give the teddy bear a heartbeat.

Somewhere along the process in between paying for the bear and packaging in, a white rose is pinned on the ear that it didn't have before. It wasn't an option for an accessory. It just appeared. I hug the teddy bear tightly into my chest as we all walk out of the store.

I name it Rhea.

My emptiness fades completely.

It’ll come back. It’s not gone forever. Human beings aren’t like that. There’s nothing to complete because it never will be. No one can be whole and that’s okay. Nobody is perfect. That’s the best part of being alive. That’s the love we all strive for. It disappears when we stop fighting for a better day. We often forget that we aren’t connected to each other. It’s easier to believe we’re all divided. Hate is much easier and less painful to feel than love.

The real illusion was my belief that I was incapable of it. I was unable to recognize it. I didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like. I was looking for magic.

Only to find that I’ve been that magic the entire time.

So forgive yourself a little bit more every day. You above all can defy the theft of your heart. Be kind and gentle. Listen to those who need help. Be good and do good. Make people happy. It’s worth it.

“What is?”

Everything. You, your friends, your parents. This world. It’s worth saving.

You can save it.

I stop my friends right before entering another store and finally start shopping around for clothes. “I’ll be right back,” I tell them before running off.

I don’t believe that I’m a slave to this fate. I believe in the blessings I was given. I’m not bound by them. They’re not for the world to take. They’re mine to do as I please. It’s mine to share. It’s my gift, not my curse. But I am special. Fate is mine to pick. I get to decide what I want.

I stop Frank dead in his tracks. He’s as annoyed as ever. I wouldn’t have spotted him if I didn’t look over when I did.

“What do you want?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“For what?”

I stopped him right before he entered the gaming lounge and arcade. I was planning to come here last. Like all other times, I didn’t expect to run into Frank.

“Just for…yelling at you last time. I’m sorry. You were right…but…you were wrong that we live in different worlds. If I bothered to get to know you, you would know that.”

Frank crosses his arms, “I expected you to bother me at Midnight’s by now, but I haven’t seen you.”

“I don’t go there anymore.” I look up towards the store’s sign. “You’re going in, right? What games do you play?”

“Like you would ever know, but games like CSGO, PUBG, and League.”

“I do,” I nod, putting my hands behind my back. “I play those too. League is my favorite.”

“Shut up, no you don’t,” Frank chuckles trying to deflect me. “You’re the last person I’ll ever believe.”

“I’m a midlaner. I one-trick Ahri, but I can play Akali and Zed too. I told you. Maybe our worlds aren’t that far apart.”

“Oh,” Frank’s jaw drops. “You aren’t lying.”

“Are you meeting up with anybody? Do you want to duo queue together? I’ll join you.”

Frank doesn’t know how to respond. He’s too busy trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his perception of me. He doesn’t know me at all, but I never bother to get to know him either. This is a good place to start. What isn’t good is the amount of time he’s taking.

“Frank?”

I’m getting butterflies in my stomach because of it.

“If you want. Just don’t complain when you get ganked thirty times in a row.”

“Please,” I smirk. “I bet I’m a better player than you.”

Frank smiles and together, enter the lounge.