Tuesday

I’m not religious. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It's the belief that there’s comfort in life after death. Its belief that there is a God who will make things better if we pray. It’s stupid. But what other option do I have when I can’t find anything else? Who do I turn to when I’m my biggest enemy?

I sit on the bench of the town’s only church. I’m the only one inside. Alex might be in the back and I hope that he isn’t. I still don’t want to see him. I have nothing to say to him. I’m just here because I thought it’ll make me feel a little bit better.

I don’t even know how to pray? What should I even pray for? It’s not even going to work.

I’m just here to find any comfort I can.

I open my eyes when a finger taps on my shoulder. To my side is the church’s pastor, Alex’s and Freyja’s father. Cancer has destroyed his body. He looks nothing alike to the man I first met. At least his appearance can match his personality now.

“I didn’t expect you to come, Grace,” He says.

“I’m just passing time, really.”

“No one comes here to just pass time.”

“I guess I’m the first,” I smirk.

The pastor takes a seat next to me. “I lived in this town my entire life. I’ve seen it all. It’s difficult for something to surprise me. You manage to do it every time we meet.”

“It was a joke.”

“I think you misunderstand.”

“Well I really am here to pass the time.”

The pastor laughs. “Are you sure you’re just wasting time?”

I don’t answer.

“You’re not the first one to come here looking for help. I’m more than happy to listen, I owe it to you after all.”

The pastor sighs then smiles, staring at a cross hanging above the altar. “I misunderstood many things in my life. I had been led astray from what truly matters in life. I’m very thankful that I’m able to live clearly now.”

I giggle nervously, “What are you talking about?”

“I’m grateful to God for giving me the strength to beat my cancer. I’m able to seek the best out of his children such as I was graced to be. That kindness is meant for the world.

Mr. Elledge isn’t who I remember him being like. I always found it weird how Sara became comfortable going over to Freyja’s house all the sudden. He blamed his cancer on Fey’s sexuality. Mr. Elledge forbade the relationship and then suddenly, poof, he welcomed it. That didn’t change after he got diagnosed with it for a second time. His eyes were hollow when I first met him. They had a little bit more life the second time. Today, they’re glimmering. People don’t change that quickly.

“Aren’t you bitter that you were given cancer twice now?”

“Bitter? Yes. I’m only human.”

“Aren’t you angry at God for it?”

“I used to be very angry, yes, but not at God. My family suffered because of it. It came from my ignorance of what I couldn’t understand. I was bound to my beliefs and blind to how it was corrupted. I’ve come to learn that the writings of man are not sufficient to interpret the word of God and Jesus Christ.”

“What changed?”

The pastor looks at me and smiles. “I would like to understand why.”

Freyja opens one of the doors from the side rooms and spots us. She’s confused as to why I’m here, but smiles that I am.

“So you just woke up one day and it all changed?” I say as Fey starts to walk towards us.

Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

Mr. Elledge looks at his daughter with a loving smile, “It wasn’t sudden, but it gave me my daughter back. I’ll pray for you to come to the understanding of how it could.”

“Now this is rare,” Freyja says.

“We were just talking about you.”

“Actually, I’m just here because Sara asked me to pick you up,”

“I thought she’s with Andrew today.”

“I’m joking.”

“Freyja, do you remember the day I invited Sara over for the first time?” Her father asks.

Fey smiles fondly. “Sure do! I was sweating through my clothes. I didn’t know why you would ever do that.”

“Grace and I were just talking about that. She would like to know how I was able to open my heart in a way I never thought possible.”

Freyja tilts her head at me. “Oh I see. Dad, do you mind if I talk to Grace alone?”

Mr. Elledge chuckles then gets up and lets Fey take over his seat. “I’ll leave it to you then,” He says then disappears somewhere behind the altar.

“Fey, I don’t know what he’s talking about. I was just curious that he’s nothing like I remember him being.”

“Did you know Sara came here too just like you did? It was the first time Sara and my dad talked. She thinks he only did because he never recognized her, but he did. I always thought that's when he changed.”

“Okay, and?”

“When did you first meet my dad?”

It was the summer right before my Junior Year. Sara and Fey were forced to be separated back then. Sara fell back into a deep depressive episode.

“My mom and I were driving back home when she saw him collapse on the stairs of the church. She stopped to help.”

“He called your mom a sinner for housing Sara, huh?” Freyja laughs.

“Yeah,” I giggle. “Didn’t even thank her.”

“Did you ever say anything to him?”

I shrug. “Not really. I just told him that for an all loving God, the people who believe in him sure are bigots. But I just said that out of frustration from the whole situation.”

Freyja looks down at her hands and begins to play with them. “Then Sara found herself here a few weeks after.”

“What about it?”

Freyja smiles and shakes her head. “Nothing. I have always been meaning to ask that. Why are you here, Grace?”

“I wanted to try something new.”

“Mhmm. Okay. Don’t you want to talk about Andrew? Or is it my brother that’s bothering you?”

“Nothing’s bothering me, Fey. Don’t make assumptions of why I’m here.”

“I don’t mind it when you lie to me. You can lie to whoever you want, just don’t lie to yourself.”

I scoff.

“God will answer your prayers if you don’t.”

“I gotta get home,” I stand. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

What did I even expect from coming here? It only made me feel worse. Everyone around me gets to be happy. I’m the only one who’s not allowed. It’s not fair. I don’t deserve to be this miserable. I stand up and Freyja grabs hold of my fingers and gently nudges down.

“Can I tell you something that I haven’t told Sara?”

I sit back down. It’s not my business so I should decline.

“Elizabeth came here for guidance one night too,” Fey looks at the cross with a faint smile. “She walked all the way here in the pouring rain. She was lost and desperate. This place was her last resort. She died three days later.”

Freyja always was Elizabeth's friend but was never as close as the others. Fey didn’t like their clique but stuck around just to be around Ellie. She would let Elizabeth treat her anyway she wanted if it meant having her attention. It’s why she put up with the ridiculous nickname of Jana Kramer for so long. All Fey wanted was her friendship. She was happy enough with that. She was in love with Elizabeth. Freyja was the most devastated when her unrequited love died. She believed it was a punishment from God. Sara’s the reason Fey was able to move on.

“What happened that night that you haven’t told Sara?”

“I’ve been in love with Ellie since we were kids. I used to pray every night for her to feel the same. I did it knowing that I was going against everything I believed. I grew content with her just being in my life. That was enough. But then all of our friends revealed her true colors. I tried to stop her from becoming friends with Sara and her group after. I knew they weren’t good for her. I tried being there for her to let her know she wasn’t alone. After everything that happened, she came to me. I was all she had left.”

Freyja looks down, frowning with her lips twitching as she does.

“What happened that night, Freyja?”

“She cried in my arms. I walked her home,” Fey pauses. She looks me somberly in the eyes. “She said she was in love with me. She asked me to stay.”

But Freyja didn’t.

“What if I did?”

“Why are you telling me?”

Fey smiles. “I was scared that my prayer was finally answered. I was scared of what would happen if I accepted it. That’s the regret I live with.”

Freyja’s just another person Elizabeth destroyed. She’s another person who manages to pick up all the pieces that were broken and put them together better than how they were. I couldn’t. Some of mine have disintegrated. I’m incomplete, replaced by those that aren’t mine. But I’ve always been incomplete.

“What made Sara different that you weren’t afraid?”

“She doesn’t get all the credit,” Freyja giggles. “You were there too.”

I tilt my head.

“I couldn’t heal alone. Nobody can.”

“Did you love Elizabeth even after all she did?”

“Yeah.”

“Even if she was never worthy?”

Freyja holds my hand. Her fingers are much longer than mine. They’re softer. “That’s what I’m getting at Grace. It’s okay if you’re conflicted about Andrew. You’re not a bad person to love what others find unworthy. Everyone needs help.”

Andrew? This isn’t about him?