Thursday

My dad died when I was a baby. It was caused by a car accident. It was just dumb luck that I was left without a father. Mom had to raise me all by herself. She sacrificed so much for me, but I never had a male role model as a kid. I barely had my own mom.

I don’t know much about my dad. Any time my mom would talk about him, I would stop her. I believe it was better to not get attached to someone who wasn’t here anymore.

His name was Joseph.

Mom doesn’t keep many pictures around of him, said he never liked to be in photos. When I was little, she always told me how much I looked like him. I never saw it.

I still don’t.

I’m a carbon copy of my mom when she was my age.

My mom is all I need.

Andrew came by to pick me up in the morning. He didn’t bother waking up my mom and Sara wasn’t home when he came. As far as I know, everything has been alright with him since Wednesday. Mom has calmed down and Jerrica hasn’t broken up with him.

Andrew hasn’t been himself. He doesn’t answer my questions when I ask him where he’s taking me. He doesn’t pass the time and talks about dumb stuff he usually does. He’s quiet, focused. Sara has been dealing with it mostly. Mom has been refusing to acknowledge what’s been going on. I’ve been kept out of it for the most part. All I’ve been doing is observing. This isn’t my problem to deal with.

When I figure out where Andrew is taking me too, I ask him why but he keeps quiet. It’s not until he parks the rental car that he says, “Wait here,” then he leaves.

For what reason would he want to visit his father in prison?

Andrew was Darkwood’s drug dealer. He didn’t care if, how, or who he hurt. He didn’t care about anyone. The only thing he cared about was if it was funny to him or not. That’s how he lived. Everyone either wanted to be his friend or was afraid of him. Somebody always had a crazy story about him. Whether it was true or not didn’t matter because nothing seemed too unbelievable.

There was only one exception, one person he cared about. Sara.

If anyone had the biggest hand on Elizabeth’s suicide, it was him. He’s the one who got her in contact with his supplier. That contact was what allowed her to pursue her delusion that she could fix everything. Winter. It only made her worse.

It was that contact that would blow up in everyone’s faces, three years ago on Independence Day. I was lucky enough to stay out of it. I was spared.

I was lucky enough to never meet the man who had strings on all of our lives.

Lyle.

The man behind the largest cartel in the United States. Nobody knew just how connected we were to him. How could we? Andrew was the only one involved with him, until Elizabeth was. Lyle was the poison in all our lives, flavorless, slowly suffocating everyone. It was Elizabeth’s death that eventually set us free.

Andrew murdered someone because he worked for Lyle. Elizabeth started to work with him too because Lyle had a drug that she wanted.

Andrew comes back after what seems to be an hour. He’s staring off into space after shutting the door. He doesn’t start the car or do anything else. He doesn’t move an inch.

“Are you going to say anything?” I break the silence.

Andrew clears his throat then places his hands on the steering wheel. “I thought I would be dead by now. I was asking for it,” he drops his hands down from the steering wheel. “I don’t deserve to be alive, Grace.”

“Dude what’s been up your ass? Jerrica forgave you, lighten up.” I try to lift the heavy air but fail.

“But I am and a day hasn’t gone by where I’m not grateful. She’s the love of my life, but I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve any of this.”

“Did she make you a pussy too?”

Andrew shakes his head, finally starting the engine. “We were in the middle of arguing when I proposed. We were having this huge fight and I thought about what you said the night before, so I just popped the question. But since, I’ve been giving it more thought and you’re right, there’s nothing I can do that’ll satisfy me. I can’t be redeemed.”

It’s just as Sara said.

“She forgave you. Is that not enough?”

“No,” his voice deepens. Andrew pulls out of the parking lot and into the streets.

Andrew apologized for how he acted and all he did when I was 15. It was the first night I saw him vulnerable. I thought he was incapable of producing tears. He apologized for pretending to never care about anyone. He just never wanted to get hurt.

Elizabeth tried Winter before she knew who Lyle was. Andrew gave her the vial that was meant to be his. If it wasn’t for him, she would have never chased after it in a delusion thinking it’ll fix all the bad she’s done. She wouldn’t have gone to Lyle and killed someone just to get more.

She would have never died.

Andrew is right about one thing. He shouldn’t be alive. Andrew acts like a fool, but he’s anything but. His intelligence allowed him to get away with all the crimes he did. It was that intelligence that piece together Elizabeth’s puzzle before any of us did. He just didn’t want to admit what he helped create.

The only thing he didn’t know was just how much of a twisted human being Lyle was.

After Sara disappeared at the end of September when she tried to kill herself, Andrew lost the only thing he cared about. He became a force of nature. He destroyed anything he wanted. He saw no light in his life and devoted himself to Lyle. He was unaware that Lyle was the one who saved Sara from her suicide attempt the entire time and was keeping her a prisoner.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

That’s what Lyle does. It’s a cult. He brainwashes girls and makes them work for his cartel. He did it with Elizabeth. He tried with Sara.

Sara was saved and managed to escape. That’s when she began to live with me. At least for that moment, Andrew calmed down. Sara was the only thing that held him together.

He was supposed to snap when he learned Lyle held her captive.

He didn’t.

Then Sara found the courage to speak about their father’s abuse.

He was supposed to snap.

It didn’t.

At least not in the way we thought.

Everything came to a climax when Cody learned the truth of what Elizabeth did for Lyle and told us all. Andrew’s path was never more clear for him. He was willing to die just to atone. We’re approaching the three year anniversary of that day, the Fourth of July. Lyle was arrested and the world was supposed to change.

Andrew lived, where he should haven’t.

The skies are still cloudy. It still won’t rain. When I was little, I used to believe I could control the weather with my emotions. If I could, it would be constantly raining. I can only hope it does as I rest my head against the car’s window as Andrew drives me back home.

“At least that’s what I used to think. I used to only be angry. Angry at the world. Angry that my moms died and dad became a piece of shit. Angry at myself.”

“Why did you take me so you can see your dad?”

“I wanted to kill him after finding out what he did to Sara. I was ready to make him just another ghost to haunt me. I didn’t. I couldn’t,” Andrew fidgets inside the console and pulls out a cigarette. He puts it on his mouth but doesn’t light it. “I told him about all the things I’m lucky to have today. I told him I’m getting married.”

“What did he say?” I lift my head off the window.

“That he’s happy for me. That Mom’s would be proud of me.”

“That’s great and all, but why bring me along?”

“I guess…for closure. Even If I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy, I am. I’ve been empty my whole life, but like, for the first time, I think I’m going to be alright.”

Andrew smiles.

I don’t like it.

I’m jealous.

I didn’t want to admit it, but Andrew was right about another thing. He doesn’t deserve everything he has. It’s not right. Andrew’s evil. He’s done too many bad things for him to feel okay to be happy. Why does he deserve to?

I get it now. The only reason why he brought me along is so I validate him that he does. He wants my approval, but that’s not what I want. Andrew was the type of person that didn’t have a line he couldn’t cross. So why was there one with me?

I’m finally alone with Andrew. I have to ask him what I’ve been afraid of finding out. I failed once already. I can’t be weak like that again.

“Why didn’t you fuck me? Why did you stop?”

Andrew laughs, seemingly flipping a switch and going back to his regular self. “I asked myself that question for long time,”

“Then why?”

“I could never explain it to myself when it happened back then. Think I just didn’t want to admit it,” Andrew rubs underneath his nostril with his finger. “I saw how innocent you were. I couldn’t take that away from you. If I did then that meant that I was right and incapable of giving a shit about anyone. But because I gave a shit, about you, I didn’t.”

“Is that all? Was there no other reason? Nothing else?”

“Nope.”

“That’s bullshit. I remember how you were looking at me. I was disgusting for you,” I catch that I raise my voice and lower it at the end of the sentence. I can’t help it. I wasn’t given the answer I wanted.

“I was disgusted at myself.”

“As if I wasn’t? You fuck anything that’ll let you. Why was I the only one you wouldn’t? You saw what was wrong with me!”

“Look at what was going on, Grace! You were just a naive and dumb girl desperate for friends. You didn’t care that you were the only innocent thing left in this town. I saw Elizabeth in you. We destroyed her and we didn’t care that we were influencing you just like we did with her. I just wanted to break the cycle. I wanted to do one fucking good thing for once.”

“Break the cycle?! You saw Elizabeth in me?! Do you know how ugly you made me feel?”

Andrew pulls over to the side of the road and finally lights the cigarette.

I don’t want to think about this again, but I have to. I’ve been running from it far too long now.

My entire life I always felt that I wasn’t enough. Not enough to be liked and have friends. Not enough to ever have a boy like me. Not enough to ever have anything I asked for. Not enough for everything around me not to go to shit. I was never good enough for Elizabeth to stop herself from committing suicide in front of me. I wasn’t enough to not deserve any of it.

I reinvented myself so I never had to feel that way again. It’s the basis of who I am now. Everything I’ve done was to prove myself that those feelings were wrong.

I wanted everyone to love me.

And they do.

And it hasn’t been enough.

I’m still unable to have the thing that I’m missing. I don’t understand why. I know my mom loves me. I know my friends love me. I know that I’m cool, smart, popular and admired. I got everything I wanted, but why hasn’t it been enough for me?

Something is innately and fundamentally wrong with me and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It doesn’t matter what I change, something about me will always be repulsive to everyone.

I’m so fucking insecure.

“What is it about me that you saw Elizabeth in me? Why did you let that stop you?”

“Because I loved her…” Andrew exhales the smoke out the window. “That’s all it was. Not because there’s something wrong with you, but because you reminded me of her. You both carry a comfortable light. I was about to take that away.”

There it is again. I’m only a walking reminder. I’m not anything more than that. I can’t be.

“Like I’m so her,” I sarcastically laugh. It’s the only thing that was going to stop the tears from falling. “I pretended that if I was, that would make everyone forget that she died in front of me. Well it worked, and where did that get me? Empty. Something is wrong with me, Andrew, and I can’t fix it,” my voice flutters.

I try to get out of the car but Andrew has the doors locked. He locks them up again every time I unlock them. I give up and slam my head against the seat and stare at the sky.

Andrew turns his head towards me but I’m not looking. I just want to go home.

I want to get high.

“And you get all that just ‘cause I didn’t take advantage of you?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Sure is, ‘cause I guess we’re alike. Thought there was something wrong with me too. Thought It’ll never get better. Then you came along, Grace. Where would I be if you didn’t? In some fucked up way, you saved me. That I wasn’t too far gone.”

“It wasn’t me. It was my mom.”

“It’s that line of thinking that makes you believe you aren’t enough. You always downplay your accomplishments because you feel like you're not worthy of them.”

“Hypocrite, you were ready to throw it all away just the same!”

Andrew laughs and gets back on the road. “Said we’re alike, didn’t I? Make me a promise, Gracie-kin.”

“If I say no?”

“Make me a promise,” Andrew repeats gently. “Promise me that you’ll say something nice to yourself once a day. You deserve that much. You owe it to yourself.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“Promise me.”

“Only if you tell me what changed? Can you really move on just because Jerrica stayed? How can you live with it? How can she still love you? What did you do to deserve that?”

Andrew shrugs his shoulders along with his fingers. “I don’t know. It’s still new to me. But I am sure of one thing. There shouldn’t be a condition to be worthy of someone’s love.”

I shut my eyes and try to pop them.

It hurts.

My heart hurts.

The lights are off. There’s no stage. There’s no seats. There’s no audience. There’s no play. There’s no need to perform. It’s just me. It’s empty.

I’m alone.

I always have been and I always will be. Not even Andrew can understand me.

The absence of something and the presence of nothing should not hurt this much.

“I promise,” I say but I’m not sure if I believe it.