A tube is breathing for me when I wake up.
I survived. How?
The heart monitor beeps. The walls are all white. The window curtains are open and the sun is rising. I’m in a hospital. My body aches everywhere except for my legs. I can’t feel them. There’s a brace on my neck. I’m barely able to move my arms.
My mother is sleeping on a lounge chair nearby.
“Mommy?”
It jolts her awake. She disregards the chair, nearly tossing it just to get to my side. “Grace! Oh my god, thank heavens!” She breathes a huge side of relief. She’s crying.
“How long was I out?”
“...A couple of days.”
“I see. I’m sorry I caused you so much worry. I caused you so much trouble..”
“I don’t care about any of that Grace. I’m just glad you’re alive. We all thought we lost you. I thought…I thought I lost you.”
The last thing I remember is collapsing on the floor. Mom tells me I jumped off the treehouse. She tells me that I died. I was dead for over an hour before my heart miraculously started beating on its own. By all means, I’m supposed to be brain dead. I was only being kept alive because my mom refused to let me go, knowing that I’ll wake up.
I did.
The doctors come soon after. They have never seen anything like my survival. I'm given a cognitive evaluation, but I came out with no brain damage. There’s many more tests to be done to be sure but honestly, I feel like I’ve woken up from a great nap. I wasn’t so lucky with my body. Parts of my spine are now severely damaged and the only explanation for it is they think I jumped off the treehouse. It’ll take years, if at all, for me to walk normally again. I’m also told I had a heart attack due to all the cocaine and other substances that they found in my blood. With these factors combined, a psychiatrist comes to talk to me. A detective also comes so I can shed light to the events of that night. I give them the truth. I’m not afraid. My mother tries to defend me, but I deflect her. I did try to commit suicide.
I wanted to die. I don’t want to anymore. Something happened after I ingested Winter and I can’t remember. Whatever it was, I feel different now. The emptiness isn’t gone, but it’s warm. Something changed. I was whole during my coma. That warmth is lingering.
I want to remember. I need to remember. I have to–
Elizabeth was there in this magical and hazed beach. I’m starting to remember bits and pieces. There’s no invisible thread pulling me towards her. She’s truly gone now. She saved me.
Mom and I don’t talk about the night when I ran away. She’s scared too. I am too. That’s the only thing we avoid talking about when I try to open up to her. I know I have to. That’s the first step to keep this warmth from staying and growing, but I don’t know how.
There’s something else to remember. I’m not tied to Elizabeth anymore, but I’m aware now I’m connected to others. They’re not pulling me, but just telling me that they’re there. They’re just like me. I was given a puzzle and all its pieces, I just don’t remember what it forms or how to.
No matter how much I try, I can’t figure it out. There’s a thick fog in front of me that’s so dense that it might as well be a wall. It’s all I can focus on while everyone starts to visit me over the next few days. With everything that happened and still ongoing, it’s easy to disguise my lack of emotions with shock. I have to act a bit apathetic because if I don’t, I’ll break down with all the guilt I have. I’ve caused nothing but trouble with my chaos. I hurt everyone I loved.
There’s something deep inside that makes it tacit that I shouldn’t think this way.
My mom comes alone one day. In her hand is my backpack that I left in Elizabeth’s room. I asked her to use the money in the backpack to pay for my hospital bills. I can only imagine how much they’re going to be and hope that what I had could help at least a little bit.
“I don’t think they’ll let you pay with cash.”
My mother giggles, setting the bag on my lap. “I can’t deposit it without raising questions either. There’s no money inside. Andrew helped me get it all into the fundraiser Sara set up.”
“What fundraiser?”
“She didn’t tell you? It’s all over the internet. It really blew up even though it was first meant to be able to funnel the money. We have more than enough now to cover your entire recovery. People really love you.”
“Criminal.”
My mother playfully smiles. “That I am.”
My phone was never found even though I’m sure I had it on me the entire night. Even Cody was unable to find it when he went searching for it. I haven’t found it too much of a hindrance. My hospital room is on a high floor and I get to see the world from the window. I get to enjoy the view and the programs on the room’s TV haven’t been too bad. I’ve been away from the outside world.
It’s been wonderful.
“So what’s inside?”
“Open it.”
I do.
The backpack is filled with letters all addressed to me. There’s flowers, candy and even a teddy bear. They’re all from my classmates and teachers. Then I find it isn’t just them, but from the town in general. They all wish for a speedy recovery.
“There’s something else. I found it buried with the money. It’s on the bottom.”
Mom organizes the mess I make when I flip the backpack upside and let everything fall. The last thing that does is a folded piece of paper that was ripped off of a notebook..
“I’m not sure how it got there. The room was completely empty including the journal you told me about.”
I unfold the paper and read it:
You had to give up your old life for this one. This is who you are now, but is this what you want? You know what you must do. Stop being afraid to do it. Let me talk to her.
“That’s your handwriting,” my mom says. “You don’t remember writing it?”
“No.”
When did I write that? I slept in Elizabeth’s room for an entire day. Did I sleepwalk and do it then? No. The page was already ripped out of the journal when I opened it. There was already half a poem written by me. The key was in my pocket.
I was on the beach too, rather, a past version of me. I remember. I’ve been keeping that younger Grace trapped.
“I’m sorry I’ve been keeping everything from you. I was wrong. I’m sorry for all the mean things I said to you. I love you, Mom.”
My mother strokes her fingers down my cheek. “I love you too, Grace. I always will.”
“I’m not okay, mommy. I can’t do this on my own. I need you to be there for me. I need your help. I’m a bad person.”
“You’re not a bad person, Gracie. Nobody thinks you are. Just look at all the people who want you to get better,” Mom motions to all the notes. “How long have you been feeling this way?”
“I’m…I…”
“Tell me what I need to do to help you. What can I do to make it up to you for all the suffering you went through because of me.”
“I…I…don’t know. Like it’s there. I have it. I can’t remember. I’m trying to remember. I know it’s simple.”
I’ve been trapped there too. I still am.
“It’s okay, Grace. We don’t have to talk about it right now. Take your time. But I promise you, Grace. Everything I am, is yours. I’ll give you the world this time.”
“I don’t need the world. I just need you.”
How do I get out? Why am I scared too?
My mother leans in and kisses my temple. “I’m so sorry I never saw how much you were suffering.”
In the aftermath of my suicide attempt, there was chaos to be put back in order. There were a bunch of apologies to be given. I didn’t expect to receive them. There were so many that I’ve gotten sick of them altogether. One of them, I don’t deserve.
Emily was sorry for ever taking pity on me and making me her friend. She brought me in a mess I should have never been a part of.
“This wasn’t your fault,” I said. “What about what I did? Don’t you hate me?”
Emily shook her head. “I’m the one who cheated.”
“How have you been doing?”
“I’m not gonna lie, it hurts like a bitch,” Emily giggled with a frown. “I stopped eating again. I can barely get out of bed sometimes. I don’t know when I’ll get over it.”
“I don’t get it. Why haven’t you flown back to New York and at least tried to fix things with Soran?”
Emily shrugged. “I don’t know. I want to. I think I’ve been sticking around because I’d feel worse if I wasn’t. I also didn’t want to leave before you woke up.”
“Have you talked to Cody?”
“A bit, not a lot. We’re sort of been avoiding each other. We’ve agreed that we made a mistake and are going to leave it as that. We aren’t good for each other.”
Emily is lying. She doesn’t realize that she’s lying.
From sombering looking down, Emily’s head jumped straight up. “Come to New York when you’re all better and things calm down. I’m not going to let one little hiccup cut you out of my life again. I’ll show you all the cool places you would like over there.”
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Don’t take pity on me again.”
Emily smiled for the time. “This is the first time you’ve been wrong if that’s what you think. I told you before, I shouldn’t have punished you for something you weren’t a part of. If anything, you were one of the only good things left to hold on to. I want to be a part of your life, Grace…if you let me.”
“You were my first friend, ever, Emily,” I smiled.
“I know I’m asking for too much.”
Emily was the first person to stick around even after getting to know me. She saw me. I don’t think it ever dawned on me how much it hurt when she left for good. I thought we were going to be friends forever. I thought I was finally going to feel normal. It wasn’t my fault. How do I move on from it?
“I don’t think you are.”
-
When Sara visited, she said, “I’ll save all the money I can so I can visit more often once I’m back in College.”
“No, no, you don’t have to do that.”
“I want to.”
“Really it’s fine.”
Sara looked down to her hands. She nervously fidgeted with her nails. “Why did you give me all the college money Mom saved up? It was yours.”
“You deserved it more.”
“Grace…”
“I wasn’t planning on going in the first place.”
Sara looked up and met my eyes. “I’m sorry that I was taking your mom away from you. I didn’t intend for that. I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”
“She told you about that, huh?”
“I’ve done nothing but take from you. What have I given you in return?
I shrugged with a small smile. “I got a sister.”
“A mess of one.”
Then I spoke words I had no control of saying. They came out like I was a machine. “You aren’t one anymore because you are my sister.”
Sara raised her eyes for a second before laughing. “I guess that’s true. But it’s still my turn to give you what you deserve.”
I met a girl in a white dress. I was able to recall that right after. Of course, I still have no clue what happened or what it meant, but that came first. It happened right after I jumped off the treehouse or right before. More of the conversation I had with the younger Grace and Elizabeth came back to me.
Elizabeth kept my soul alive because it was that important. I need to discover why I am.
Lyle was after me because he saw that I am.
Sara is proof of that. Andrew is proof of that. I resented them because of everything they were taking from me. That was the price I had to give for what they would get. But I didn’t have a choice in the matter. It was my mom who helped them. Sara and Andrew give me the credit and I don’t know why. I was told why, if only I could remember.
-
“Don’t apologize to me, Andrew,” I told him when he visited. “Don’t let this haunt you too. You don’t have to look for redemption anymore, Andrew. You did your job. You protected me. Stop blaming yourself.”
Andrew looks at me with a bit of a shock. He is the embodiment of guilt. It’s never going to go away because the past can’t ever be changed. This has always been in his eyes for the past month. Even after Jerrica proved there wasn’t any more need, he still carried that remorse. He had more of it just now.
It’s gone now.
Andrew came with Jerrica and she said, “Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in stopping him this time.”
“Nah,” Andrew chuckled, “You did. I would’ve thrown away all that I was given.”
Jerrica giggled and said to me, “He said that he wanted to kill Lyle because he should’ve done it three years ago, but really, he was only going to do it because that’s just how much he cares for you.”
Andrew lightly slapped Jerrica’s hand. “I told you that in confidence. Some lawyer you are.”
I laughed. “You two are so cute together.”
Jerrica blushed and Andrew grinned.
“Are you satisfied?” I asked.
Andrew and Jerrica both said, holding hands, “Yeah. It’s ours.”
I have all the right to be angry at Andrew for everything that was taken from me because of him. I don’t think I have room in my heart for any anger. I can’t change the past. Of course, I’m sad about what happened. I don’t like that it did. I was forced into being a part of what I should have been protected from. Everyone knew that I should’ve. I was bitter that it wasn’t more. I was bitter that they didn’t see that I was scared. I was forced to lock away my old self.
-
Cody brought me some snacks from the outside world to save me from the tasteless ones the hospital has. We shared a family size chip bag, dip and some sour candy together while watching TV.
“Don’t you have better things to do than be bored here with me?” I asked.
Cody chuckled with half of a gummy worm in between his teeth. “You’re never a bore.”
“Aren’t you mad at me?”
“For what?”
I didn't answer. I let it go. Because I did, I was able to smile. “Thank you for saving me.”
“Nobody blames you, if this is what's about. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“No, I know,” I pause, biting into a piece of chocolate. “I just can’t help it. I think I always felt this way.”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you for being friends with me.”
Cody mutes the TV with the remote. “What’s with the somber tone?”
“Why did you stay my friend when you didn’t have to?”
“Even after I couldn’t reciprocate your feelings, you stuck around me like a little lion cub. I know how much that was hurting you and how insecure it made you. Truth is, I always found you endearing even if you never felt that way about yourself. Sometimes I miss that little dork.”
“I think I do too.”
“Don’t say it like it’s gone forever,” he chuckled. “You’re still you.”
I remembered everything from the dream on the beach. I kept a part of me trapped there because I thought she wasn’t good enough. I’m scared that she still isn’t. I’m scared that she never will. It’s been my prison. How do I heal from that?
-
Alex came and visited. He brought along his sister so it would be less awkward. Freyja was the only one who wasn’t.
“I decided to take over the church,” He said.
“I heard, but is that what you really want?
“I’ve been thinking about you alot, ever since that day on the hill. We were always almost, never something. You were right, I couldn’t understand you. And then my Dad died and any faith I had left in God died along with it.”
“So why take over the church?”
“The speech you gave about my dad. It was beautiful. I could finally understand you.”
I nervously laughed. “I said what everyone wanted to hear. I didn’t mean any of it, just to let you know. ”
“I don’t think you’re aware that you did,” Freyja giggled.
“And because you’re alive, I can believe in God again.”
What happened to me and what I experienced is nothing less than mystical. I dare say it was supernatural. It exists through this thick wall of a fog I once entered. Was that God? A delusion is more plausible. I don’t remember anything about the girl in the white dress. I just know that I’m changed because of it.
This is what Lyle wanted me to see. What would have happened if he was there when I did? Would I have remembered the experience? Would I know why I’m so special?”
“I don’t think it was God who saved me.”
“God had nothing to do with it,” Frejya said.
“It’s like you said, Grace. My dad wanted us to seek genuine kindness. You’re my inspiration that I can carry that will.”
I was being put on a pedestal again.
-
So did my closest friends when they came to see me. Tina, Liz, and Maddy hung around like any other day. I was for sure thinking Maddie would be mad at me for giving her some rando drug.
Instead, she said, “You’d never guess who I hung out with the other day.”
“Choi,” Tina and Liz answered for me.
“Why did you?”
“I dunno. I did it on a whim. He’s actually like, really cool.”
“She’s seeing him again this weekend,” Tina smirked.
“To see if it was fluke,” Maddie put her finger up. “You never know.”
I was left a bit stunned. She tried to hide it, but her eyes gave away just how much she likes the guy. This wasn’t like Maddie.
“Honestly, I would have never given him a chance if I wasn’t friends with you, Gracie,” Maddie laughed. “Wish it’d happened earlier.”
“Don’t think you would have liked me much.”
“Oh stop it, Gracie,” Tina giggled. “Liz and I liked you just fine. You’ve been wonderful to us, I hope you know that. I couldn’t ask for a better best friend.”
Everyone sees how much I mean to them except for myself. They’re not putting me on a pedestal. It just looks like one because the ground looks so high from where I’m drowning. They’re trying to stop me from suffocating and I’m not letting them.
Yuele came to visit once my Mom got me a new phone and I could reach him. He thought I was joking when I told him why I dropped off the face of the earth. He only believed me once he saw me with his own eyes. That’s the first time I saw him cry.
“When are they letting you out of here?” he asked.
“A couple more weeks. They have to do more tests and I have to be cleared with a psychologist.”
“How long until you’ll be able to walk?”
“I should’ve at least been able to feel my legs by now.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Well at least you don’t have an excuse to fall behind on Shonen Jump anymore,” Yuele winked. “You’ll even have time to push for Challenger. You’re like what, Masters right now? This year is the year, yes?”
“I decayed cause I haven’t played,” I laughed. “But I'm for sure going to play more.”
“And maybe get on a smurf and carry me into Diamond, my kitten, yes?” Yuele pleaded, touching the tips of his index fingers together.
I wished I had full control over my body so I could shove him as hard I wanted. I made the cringiest face I could instead. “Ew. No. Never call me that again. In fact, I revoke my friendship because you said that,” I said, but immediately burst out laughing after.
“Shut up, you love me,” Yuele laughed too.
“Sadly.”
“Wow. And here I thought I meant more to you than that.”
I smiled. “You do.”
Much more than I believed.
Then one day, the last person I ever thought would come, does.
Aylin comes alone. Helen isn’t with her.
I don’t know what to say to her but she doesn’t either, so we’re in this room in complete silence for what seems hours. In truth, it’s only been a few minutes. I’ve been wondering how much wasn’t in my control and what was just a coincidence. I’ve been manipulated and I don’t know how far it goes. How could I ever trust the sister of the man who did?
Lyle was arrested. Again. Everyone was afraid the same thing would happen and nothing would come out of it while thinking it did. Things went differently this time. The arrest made the news, and soon enough, was exposed to being the leader of his cartel. His name was made public. It was never Lyle. It wasn’t even Felix.
“I know you won’t ever believe me,” Aylin finally breaks the silence. “But I swear that I never knew.”
I stay quiet.
The world found out how much effort went into suppressing Lyle’s arrest again. The public started to piece together who did it the first time and what happened. Lyle no longer had the power to escape.
“It’s been such a long time since he asked to be called Felix that I forgot why he wanted to. He became so private but he was my brother, y’know? I didn’t think he was lying about what he would tell me.”
I stay quiet.
People were exhausted of an unchanging world, of how powerless they are. The past was brought into the present and it could no longer be ignored. This time, enough was enough. No amount of money could oppress Lyle’s actions. There was a face to them now. All the corruption, brides, blackmail, brainwashing and greed became too much. Protests became riots. Riots bring violence, and violence begets violence. And the most effective violence happens where it hurts the most; money.
A social revolution had begun.
“I promise you, I didn’t know he already knew you when I met you, Grace. I feel so, so stupid.”
“Isn’t that the best cosmic joke? What a coincidence, huh?” I giggle.
Aylin doesn’t find it at all funny like I do.
“I raised a psychopath.”
“Do you want me to forgive you?”
“No. I don’t know. I…”
I watched it all through the TV in the hospital room. It became too big to contain. The corporate businesses in Lyle’s pockets began to be destroyed. Government buildings were being raided. No amount of authoritarian force could stop it. There’s not enough of them. The country crumbled, all because of a rainy night of no significance. There was no powerful and known person with a big and convoluted plan to instigate it. It was quiet.
“I just wanted to tell you the truth. I truly, honestly, did not know.”
“I believe you.”
And after a few weeks, the world finally started to change. Nothing will ever be the same.
I’m connected to invisible threads of change. They don’t pull, but they’re there. Some are near. I’m part of them. I always was. That’s why I always felt different than everyone else. I couldn’t see that I am. Now, more than ever, understand how much impact I had on those around me. That’s what the woman in the white dress showed me. It’s my gift. It’s my magic. I was given a second chance to keep it alive.
My soul is still dying. I’m still dying.
Nothing has been fixed.
I’m scared that I can’t do it.