Wednesday

The clouds have been teasing me again. They were supposed to be gone by now, yet they remain. They’re thicker than ever. Petrichor, the earthly scent of rain, can be smelt before it begins to pout. The earth yearns for the rain to fall, but it never does. I don't want anything more than for the rain to drown this town. It will wash away the sins. It’ll allow for new life to bloom.

In Darkwood’s public park downtown, there’s a hill large enough to see most of the town under it. I sit right on top of it and try to focus my eyes from making everything blurry. I’ve been up here all day since I left my house this morning. I’m not even up here to think. I just want this shit feeling to go away. I don’t even know what it is at this point. I can’t be happy.

I stopped talking to everyone because they’re a reminder that I’m not who they think I am.

I stopped hanging out with my friends because it’s not enjoyable anymore. I don’t want to ruin their time with my negativity.

I just need to figure myself out real quick. I can’t let them know just how shitty I feel. Until then, I’m left with the farce that everything’s alright.

I put the facade that I’m doing well on the internet. I upload a post to get the likes and the comments. I don’t even want that anymore. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m lost.

I want to disappear.

Maybe I’m just overthinking. I should be grateful for everything I have now. Everyone else is. All their lives are for the better, including mine. So why doesn’t it feel that way?

I get the likes, the comments and the DM’s. This validation used to make me happy. It was confirmation of who I worked so hard for. I wanted to be loved by everyone to make up for how I wasn’t. I relished it. It was my confidence, my mask.

I was proud to sit on Elizabeth’s throne because it made everyone forget how everyone used to see me.

But now I can’t escape her. She haunts me. She’s pulling me. I’m always connected to her in some way. I don’t want to be. I’m not cruel. I’m kind and gentle. But what if that also has been part of the mask I wear? What if I have just been pretending that I don’t have hate in my heart?

My post gets shared. The likes quadruple from what’s usual. An account with over a million followers reposted. My own follower count starts to explode again. I’m not anyone special. I’m not pretty. I’m not beautiful. I don’t deserve all of this. I don’t deserve the amount of people following.

Alex sits next to me on top of the hill. I pretend he isn’t there. He doesn’t say anything to me either. Alex stares at what I’m staring at, whatever that might be. Everything in front of me is out of focus like I have my contacts off.

Why is he even here? I don’t want him to be. He hasn’t apologized. He’s a constant reminder of my insecurities. He’s a blade pressed against my neck. But now that he’s here, I can let him go. He makes me weak. I don’t want to be weak.

Alex lies down with his hands behind his head. His leg brushes against mine in the process and apologizes. The wind passing through makes it hard to hear. The kids playing and screaming below in the playground drown him completely out.

It’s summer, and I’m 8 again.

I’m in the playground and I’m swinging on the swingset. A group of kids are playing a game of tag in front of me. Their parents are around, but not mine. Mom is working and won’t be home until it’s time to go to bed. And Dad is dead.

The grasshoppers are chirping. The air is dry and there’s no clouds to stop the sun from cooking the ground. The Ice Cream jingle is somewhere far in the distance. Some of the kids are still finishing the popsicles that they bought.

Everyone in the playground knows to stay away from me.

I’m eight years old and I can’t wait to grow up.

I’m eight years old and can’t wait for a day where I wouldn’t be so alone.

Why did I think about that?

“What are you doing here, Alex?” I finally ask him.

“I was walking home from the church when I spotted you here, Grace. You’ve been ignoring me for hours now.”

“What do you want?”

Alex sits up. “I’ve been thinking of what I said. I should have been clear on what I wanted to happen. I let it get too far and gave you the wrong idea. I’m sorry. ”

You could be reading stolen content. Head to the original site for the genuine story.

“No, you were right. The Grace you like and the Grace I am aren’t the same. I’ve been pretending that they were. I killed that version a long time ago.”

“Is everything alright? Tina and Liz keep nagging me for putting you in such a bad mood. They miss you.”

“What part of me do you hate the most?”

Alex scoffs in disbelief. “I don’t hate you.”

“Then why can’t you accept who I am? Why aren’t I enough?”

He doesn’t answer. Alex drags his butt to sit in front of me and stares at me, unsure how to respond. My eyes move from the town and into his eyes but I still don’t see anything but another blur.

“Okay. Let me say it better this time. When I see you, Grace, I see how much you put up with to be someone you’re not. The Grace I knew would never do that. It’s not that I think you’re not good enough, it’s just…I used to see this sparkling aura around you. It’s been fading,” Alex pauses. “It’s fading just like…”

“I’m not her!” I scream.

I cover my mouth with my eyes wide open, but Alex doesn’t react.

“I know you’re not,” He says gently. “But I think, deep down, I’m scared that you don’t think that.”

“Do you hate her?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re the only one who does anymore.”

“Elizabeth destroyed Freyja. I can’t ever forgive her for that.”

I laugh. It’s not forced. I genuinely laugh. “You have a weird sister complex for Fey.”

Alex laughs too, “Can’t help it. Not after what she’s been through.”

“What did I do that makes me not good enough for you then?”

“You mean don’t you remember?”

“I remember everything.”

“You’ve been acting like you don’t do anything wrong. Grace, you’re doing everything she did. I know about all the ecstasy and coke you do. You’re hiding it from everyone.”

“How do you know that…?”

“You pay more attention to people when you like them.”

I scoff, wiping my hands on the rough grass. “That’s it? So what? That’s not the worst thing she did. Are you scared that I’ll do much worse?”

“You did forget. You broke my heart, Grace.”

“What are you talking about, Alex?”

“You knew I liked you and you still fucked Edgar. I was about to ask you out too. He’s my best friend, Grace. That was fucked up,” Alex sighs, rubbing his eyes. “I was going to give you another chance but then you fucked Brent too. I was done after that.”

I didn’t forget about that. Is that all that this was about?”

“And you acted like it was nothing. Like you didn’t even consider how it would make me feel.”

I involuntarily laugh again. “I never fucked Edgar. I never fucked Brent either.”

Alex lifts his head up from his arms and my eyes focus for the first time in hours. His face becomes clear. I’m able to breathe.

“Why would they both lie? Edgar would tell me the truth.”

“I did them both a favor. Brent wanted to ‘win’ the break up with Mei. That’s all there was. We lied.”

“And Edgar?”

“He got with his girlfriend soon after, no? Would she have paid him any attention if she didn’t think he could pull me? I asked them both to tell you the truth, but I guess they never did.”

Alex’s mouth is slightly open. He doesn’t believe me.

It’s too embarrassing for both of them to ever admit. It’s embarrassing for me. Truth is, I’m still lying to Alex. I didn’t want to lie about sleeping with them in the first place. I wanted it to be real even if it didn’t have to be. I really did try.

I was being selfish and wasn’t considering his feelings. But I don’t owe myself to him. Alex and I weren’t together. I only ‘lied’ because it benefited me. I had ‘sex’ with Edgar on my 16th birthday. It’s what got me noticed. It’s what put an end to the gossip that I wasn’t cool. It got me on the map. I used Brent because every other guy was starting to lose interest in me because I was too ‘unattainable’ to try. But in both actions, I was masking that intent with what I actually wanted to prove.

Prove to myself.

But just like with Andrew, both of them didn’t fuck me. Both of them were too nervous to have sex with me.

Three times can’t be a coincidence. Alex was the fourth. I shouldn’t ever bother with a fifth attempt.

Here it comes. My insecurity. The truth of why I wanted to be so popular in the first place. I thought it would make it go away. It doesn’t matter how pretty everyone tells me I am. It doesn’t matter how much everyone wants to fuck me. Now look at me. I always see the old repulsive Grace in the mirror. I see someone who is still not there.

“Alex…I’m a virgin…”

Alex leans over towards me, wiping away the few tears that have gone unnoticed. “Grace…is everything alright?”

I slide myself away.

“That’s the truth. I thought it was going to be different with you. I wanted it to be different. I guess I really am just too broken.”

“How are you broken? Grace, what’s been going on with you?”

“I’ll get over it, it’s fine.”

Alex sits back. He can’t look at me, but neither can I. “Why do you think you’re broken?”

“I just am.”

“I know things are hard right now, but you’re doing the best you can. I understand you feel this way and that I’m part of the reason. Can talk about it so I can better understand you?”

“No.”

“Okay. You don’t have to tell me and I’m sorry if I made it worse. You’re going to get through this, but at least allow me to help you..”

I laugh for the third time, looking at the cloudy sky before I’m able to look at him. I shake my head. “Y’know, I thought you were the only one who could see me for me. That’s what I liked about you, but you don’t. Not anymore.”

“I would like to start over and be able to support you if you ever need it. I want to help.”

I wipe away my last few tears before I stand up. “Maybe in another universe. Maybe it could have worked,” I lightly kick the tip of his shoe. “Maybe there I would have been born right.”

I almost trip over myself while jogging down the hill. I don’t dare to look back. I can’t. It’ll hurt too much if I do. Alex has always been a dream. I was desired by him for a moment. We talked. A lot. He’s always been cautious, but he pushed our talks, he made an effort. I was desired. But Alex texted me some of the kindest words I ever heard. But I’m the one who messed with his head. I began to stare at our messages and they went cold and distant. He was right there, and I was afraid. I was too afraid to find out if that dream was what I was looking for.

I was too afraid to find out if I deserved that love.