Tuesday night
Liz gently grabs hold of my fingers, holding them up to examine my nails. “Oh my god, they’re so cute! Did you do them at the same place you told me to go?”
I free my hand to finish the message I was in the middle of typing after I parked my car. Liz is in the passenger seat waiting for Tina to finish taking a shot of her cheap vodka. My nails are a bit longer than I’m used to, making it a bit of struggle to type as fast.
“No, I did them when I was with Yuele yesterday.”
“How long did the white flames take to make? I know that couldn’t have been easy,” Liz says, taking the bottle and chaser drink.
My acrylic nails are clear with swirling flames coming out of the ends and narrowing and ending into different patterns before the cuticle. If I did them myself, it would have taken me a few hours, but Yuele did them for me. They’re pretty.
“Are we ever going to meet this Yuele?” Tina asks.
“You’re always welcome to come when I go to raves,” I look outside the window towards the house party we’re going to tonight.
Liz was invited and asked us to come so she wouldn’t be alone. Tonight’s a first as we've ever been to Tacoma. It’s as good an excuse as any to distract myself from myself. Anything is better right now than to be alone with my thoughts.
“One was enough,” Liz takes a drink and tries to hand over the bottle but I reject it. “This should be fun, though.”
Tina takes the bottle instead, “If it’s feta we can always leave and join Maddie at Trinity. Now that you’re 18 you can finally join us, Gracie.”
“Maybe some other time”
I say but don’t mean. I’ve been to nightclubs before and I don’t like them. Everyone is belligerently drunk and loud. Fun is the word to disguise the intentions of everyone there. I’m not a big fan of the music played either. Then again, I have only gone by myself and don’t know how different it’ll be with my girls.
The party thrown on my birthday was indeed the largest one of the year. There’s videos of it everywhere on Instagram and Facebook. I haven’t bothered to watch a single one. From what Tina and Liz have told me, my presence was missed but was eventually forgotten about. Nobody needs me. I was just just the excuse to make it happen. Everyone is still talking about it. A bunch of stuff happened that I call drama, drama, drama, but I couldn’t care less. It all seems meaningless now. Of course there was drama that I wasn’t there but my likeability outweighs the opinion of my haters. I hear people from all over the state showed up. Liz became friends with someone and that someone is the reason we’re going to this party tonight.
I follow behind Tina and Liz into the house and immediately don’t want to be here. Our arrival brings the attention of those nearby, including the host who welcomes us in. We follow him around as he introduces us to some of his friends.
I don’t like how we’re seen and I like less that we’re here. I should’ve asked Liz for more details of who invited her.
The party is quite quiet and calm. The music isn’t loud and the house isn’t packed. Everyone is split up in their own groups, of course, but nobody is visibly fucked up. Maybe it’s too early for anyone to get real drunk, but the lack of chaos isn’t why I find the place uncomfortable. I try to brush it off and go around to meet new people. The eerie tingle behind my neck just gets more unnerving the longer I spend time here.
There’s a lull in our interactions and I pull my friends to break away so I can talk to them.
“Don’t you find it a little weird that we’re here?” I ask, unable to ignore it anymore.
“Why does that matter? We’re all adults.”
A woman comes up to us before I can say anything back, “Hey, can I talk to you guys for a quick second?”
Liz rolls her eyes, thinking the woman will say something bitchy, “Yeah?”
“How old are you girls?”
We answer almost at the same time.
“Who invited you?”
“Nathan? Who else?”
“Uh-huh, alright, okay” the woman crosses her arms. “Do you know how old he is? Did he tell you his age?”
“No, but isn’t he like 23, 24 or something? I just assumed.”
“Okay, so he’s 36. Most people here are around the same age, just so you know. All the men are in their thirties. I’m 28, so I’m on the younger side here, but you girls are really young. Really young. You don’t have to go, but if you need anything, and I mean anything, let me know. You find me and get me, I won’t be far.”
Liz turns towards Tina and I when the woman leaves. “That girl was so weird.”
“Oh, I think she was weirded out that she wasn’t the young hot girl anymore,” Tina looks around.
“Mhmm, I don’t think that’s it,” I raise my eyebrows. “I think she was worried.”
“Nah, she just doesn’t like us. Her vibe was way off.” Liz starts walking back inside the kitchen of the sparsely populated house party. “She’s just jealous and trying to scare us off.”
I follow Liz and Tina with my head turned to find where the woman ran off too. I catch her mid conversation with Nathan, the host of the party. She’s pissed at him.
“No seriously, I don’t like it here, let’s go where Maddie’s at,” I say.
“Grace, you’re being feta,” Liz protests while pouring a drink for herself and Tina. “Nothing bad is going to happen, no Judas.”
“We got each other's back,” Tina validates Liz.
“No, you don’t get it. Let’s not get too involved with anyone. We should be careful.”
“Ugh, Grace, we’ll leave if we’re not feeling it, okay? We just got here.” Liz scoffs and then swings her drink.
“It’ll be fine, girl,” Tina smiles.
Fine is hard to feel, especially once we all get separated. I try my best to be in places where I have sight of my two friends at the same time but that’s not always possible. I gravitate to being around a group with another woman because I feel safer.
The reason why isn’t coming to me.
For the first time, I don’t give a shit to get to know these people. I still talk to them like I do to everyone, except the topics are a bit different. I ask one about their job and then keep asking questions to know more about it. It works best if I find and ask them about something they’re interested in. It makes them invested to share and makes me likable that I’m interested. I always am.
But I’m lying to myself. I pretend to be interested to be liked. Tonight I’m doing it to find out what I feel so worried about.
I can’t find the right words to explain why we shouldn’t be here. It’s obvious most of the women don’t want us here and that the men do. Liz is right, we are all adults and can think for ourselves but I still feel weird about it. It’s just different because of how old everyone else is. Maybe I don’t like that they’re letting underage girls drink with them.
The woman who talked to us breaks away from her group and heads to the backyard. I follow her. Tina is there talking to two guys and sharing a blunt.
“Something happened?” the woman asks when she turns after I tapped on her shoulder.
“No, but I want to ask why you’re the only one who checked up on us.”
“What’s your name?”
“Grace.”
“I’m Jada. I’m just worried about you girls ‘cause I’ve been to places like these when I was your age. I hung out with a lot of older men thinking nothing of it but I take it you get what I’m trying to say.”
“Sort of, but I can’t explain it. Like I get where Liz is coming from but at the same time, it feels like we’re a joke here.”
“You’re exactly right,” Jada widens her eyes, surprised. “You are being made fun of, but not in the ha-ha way. It’s more of the, look at these dumb girls who don’t know any better. There is no innocent reason why anyone here would try to talk to you guys. You’re being taken advantage of.”
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“How did you see it before?”
“The same way your two friends do. I wanted to be a grown up very badly and thought I had a lot of life experience to take care of myself. So I never found it weird that I was around men twice my age because I saw them as peers.”
Jada leads me to the corner of the backyard’s face to talk without anyone close enough to eavesdrop. I rest my back against the wooden fence to keep an eye on Tina and then Liz walks out with the host. She can’t keep her eyes off him.
“And whenever someone came up to me exactly how I did to you, I found it demeaning and insulting.”
“I think a lot of girls think that way.”
“Because they all think the same. Like your friend, she thinks I don’t know the details of her situation and that she isn’t a victim. That she’s the exception. It all goes over their heads when someone tells them differently.”
“I saw you arguing with that guy,” I motion my head towards the host. “You close with him?”
“Not really but I never had a bad opinion of him until now. He brushed me off when I told him he’s a creep for inviting you girls here. That’s the hard part about people, you never know their true colors until you do.”
“Y’know, you exactly said everything I felt but couldn’t put into words. Thanks for caring.”
“I hope you can convince your friends that all the men here are pathetic enough to talk to teenagers. I wish I had a friend like you when I was your age.”
Tina and Liz join up and go back inside the house together. Liz is stubborn and conceited enough to push back with us leaving again. Her mind isn’t going to change if I explain to her what I couldn’t before. Tina would listen and at least consider it. I just need to get Tina on my side to veto Liz.
They head towards the garage where drinking games are being played. The music is too loud for them to hear me calling out their names. The laundry room is connected in between the living room and the garage. I let two guys through the garage door before I’m able to catch up.
“Dude, I finally found out what happened to that Elizabeth girl.” One of them says to the other.
My head snaps back like it’ll rip off when I hear that. “Wait!” I stop them. “Who did you say?”
Both of them look at each other confused. “Oh, just some girl we knew.”
“Elizabeth Wilson?”
“Yeah? How’d you know?” The other asks.
I had no reason to believe they were talking about the same person. I just knew. I don’t know how but it hasn’t been the first time.
“I knew her. Did you know her well too?”
“Nah, we only hung out once but we always wondered where she disappeared too.”
We move to the middle. The guy with the beard and beanie introduces himself as James. He sits on top of the washer and the one who knows the most. The other is bald, named Diego. He leans against the dryer and I face them in between.
“What happened to her?” Diego asks.
“She died,” I say. “It happened four years ago. Nobody told you guys?”
“Nah, I only found out yesterday. But fuck, that fucking sucks.”
“I see. How’d you guys know Elizabeth?”
Why would two guys in the outskirts of Tacoma know a girl who died four years ago? Even here, I’m reminded of her. I came explicitly so I could have one night where I didn’t think about her. I haven’t been able to stop since my fight with Alex.
“We didn’t know her for too long, ‘cause, y’know, but she certainly made an impression,” Diego somberly chuckles.
“Never met anyone like her,” James smiles.
I pry further to find anything else about Elizabeth, but don’t learn much. These guys only met her once.
James and Diego offer me a few lines of coke. 99% percent of the time it’s an automatic decline, but Diego tests it right in front of me. My curiosity peaks when they mention the batch they have has the exact same purity that disappeared three years ago. It’s impossible to find now and I only heard rumors about it.
My expectations are met.
It makes me feel great.
And I don’t ever want to lose this feeling.
“Grace, have you ever tried Winter? Elizabeth put us on. There’s no greater high. We have some.” James asks.
“Isn’t that supposed to be impossible to find?”
“Nah,” Diego pulls out a small blue rock wrapped in saran wrap. “It’s fucking expensive though. This shit alone cost a grand.”
“That isn’t the real Winter,” I point at the rock. “It would be in a liquid if it was.”
“And how would you know?”
I know because the liquid Winter was the drug Elizabeth was hooked on. It’s what she chased after. She could only get her hands on imitations but it was never enough to satisfy her. I only know the stories. I never thought I would see the imitation with my eyes.
“Even if it is, the high is still amazing. Want a hit?”
“No.”
I stick around for far too long and allow Liz to get too drunk. Tina finds me, desperately wanting to go home now. James and Diego ask for my instagram before I leave. The last thing James tells me is, “You’re just as cool as Ellie. Reminds me how fun she was when she was around.”
And Diego said, “I would believe you if you said you’re her twin.”
And I said, “I look nothing like her.”
Diego said, “Even so, you’re just like her.”
Tina helps me walk a drunken Liz into her bed. Afterwards I take Tina home but she hasn’t gotten out of my car just yet. I’m letting her speak as she comes to terms that we should have never been there. I knew she would come around to see it how I did.
But I was reckless too. I should have forced us to leave before Liz got herself too drunk. We’re lucky that’s all that happened and nothing worse.
“I don’t know,” she sighs. “I should really stop doubting you, Grace.”
“No, you should. I can be wrong.”
“But you weren’t and that’s the problem. I should’ve left the second that guy told me how mature I was for my age. Like, that is literally what pedos say. Word for word, bar for bar. I can’t believe I didn’t see it.”
“We like to feel so special, huh Tina?”
Tina giggles, stretching her legs and arms in front of her. “If anyone is mature for her age, it’s you, Gracie. You always know what to do.”
Hearing that bothers me. I always hear that. I’m always praised. Like I know everything.
That I am so smart.
Tina’s my best friend. We know everything about each other. I’m closest with her because she became friends with me while I was still in my shell. But sometimes it feels like she’s forgotten who that Grace was.
“Do you think you would’ve been happier if we never became friends?” I ask.
Tina gives me a look she rarely does and only if I say or do something unlike me. “I’m happy now.”
“Aren’t you tired?”
“Of what?” she nervously giggles. “You’ve been acting off the past couple of weeks. Is that why you never showed up to your birthday party? What are you tired of?”
I press my head against the headrest and close my eyes. Tina isn’t friends with me because it makes her popular. Tina just gets me. I never had to question that. She’s always there for me. It’s me who’s the problem. I never go to her for help. I never go to anyone.
“I’m just am,” I whisper.
“Alex told me that you guys fought. I’m sorry about tonight too. I know it was a lot.”
“Who do you like better, the old Grace or me now?”
“Now, obviously. It’s you with maxed out stats, who wouldn’t like that? Why? What did that dumbass say to you?”
“I’m tired of everyone comparing me to Elizabeth,” I open my eyes.
“Why is that a bad thing? Everyone loves her and everyone loves you. What’s so bad that you picked up what she left behind?”
“You never knew her.”
“Neither did you.”
It doesn’t matter how she actually was. What matters is how she is remembered. Fuck, nobody even remembers her without comparing me to her. Nobody likes to bring up the bad that she did. Nobody cares for her reasons. Nobody cares that she needed help.
“I keep remembering what happened.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”
I shake my head. “I think I need a little time for myself. Don’t hate me if I don’t want to hang out for a bit.”
“I could never hate you. Whatever you’re feeling, It’ll pass. Let me know if there’s anything you need from me.”
It’ll pass.
That’s what everyone says.
How much time does it have until it does? It already did. It came back. I built myself to be able to withstand it if it ever did. I’m not any stronger than I was four years ago.
“Have you listened to Emmah’s new song? It just came out but it’s so beautifully comforting.” Tina plugs her phone onto the aux.
Emmah Melody Ryan is her favorite artist. Although I like her too, I could never get into her as much as Tina. The variety of genres Emmah makes is too diverse for me to sit down and listen to them all. I only like her pop and danceable songs. Tina puts on a quiet and ambient tune.
“What’s it called?” I ask.
It’s soothing. It’s calm. But it’s also haunting. It matches the pain inside of me.
“Twin Flame.”
“It’s nice.”
“You should listen to her more. I do all the time when I’m feeling down. It like, brings the stress out of me.”
Tina leaves the car and heads inside her house. I pull out of her driveway and head to mine.
I’m left alone with this emptiness of mine again. Nothing is there and yet it still hurts. It’s a great sadness. I’m losing sense of who I am.
The only light on is coming from Andrew’s room. His door is slightly open and I can take a sneak inside. He’s laying on his bed and watching a video on his phone. There was always something I wanted to ask Andrew but never could. It was too awkward at the time because he was living with me. I most likely won’t have another chance to be alone with him. He leaves tomorrow and is going to stay with his girlfriend in Seattle until their trip is over.
He holds the answer to a question that hasn’t left my mind since the night of my birthday, since Alex rejected me.
But I’m unable to. I don’t even have the strength to open the door a little further. It’s as if I can’t. It’s too heavy.
It’s just like before.
I’m 14 again and all I can do is watch. I’m powerless and can’t speak up.
When Andrew took me to my first rave, I watched him have sex with a girl when I found him to get me home. Puberty was hitting me like a train and I was confused. I liked what I saw and wanted to know how it felt. I was curious, excited and desperate. I didn’t ask, but I didn’t need to. Andrew knew. I let him.
But Andrew stopped himself.
I was so mad that he did.
It was never brought up again until he told my mom which prompted her to kick him out.
Andrew notices, “Need something?”
I can ask him now, get it over with, find out what’s defective. I can’t. “Do you ever feel like everything you worked for was mute?”
“Watch’a getting at?”
“Like no matter what you do, it won’t ever be enough to satisfy you? As if it’s not yours.”
“Go to bed, Gracie-kin, I can smell the alcohol from here.”
I don’t even know what’s bothering me at this point.
I’m so fucking empty and I don’t know why. Maybe Alex is right and I let the popularity get to my head. I’ve been noticing more and more that I’m just a hypocrite. I’m not selfish, I was just starved for attention. It’s all I needed up until this point, but it wasn’t right.
I don’t know who I am anymore.