Saturday night
My mom slaps Andrew across the face the second he walks in the front door without notice. Jerrica stops her other hand from slapping his other side. The slap was loud enough for Sara to pause the movie she’s watching.
“That’s not how you say hello, Virginia,” Jerrica says, releasing my mom’s hand.
“Engaged?! You’re too good for him, Jerrica.”
“We were going to tell you first,” Jerrica sighs. “I should have known he couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
“Why even entertain it?” Andrew rubs his cheek. “That’s on you, Jer-bear.”
My mom didn’t slap Andrew out of anger but as a reflex from frustration. She hates his spontaneous and reckless decisions. She hates that Andrew proposed so lackluster more.
Sara gets up from the couch and sits next to me on the dining table. “You should be happy that some else can tolerate him, Mother.”
Mom takes a deep breath to calm down. “Welcome in, Jerrica. It’s nice to see you again.”
“It’s mutual,” she smiles. “Your hard work didn’t go unrewarded.”
Andrew chuckles and flops down on the couch. “Don’t give her credit. Virginia didn’t do anything.”
“Don’t make me regret saying yes.”
Mom turns to face Jerrica, “I’m assuming you haven’t planned anything yet? Do you even have a date in mind?”
“No, nothing’s planned. Realistically, it won’t be for another few years. I have one year left in law school and Andrew is still in the middle of pre-med. None of us will have the time anytime soon.”
“Could always elope,” Andrew suggests.
“And with what money? We can’t rely on my mom since you insist on never convincing her that you’re likable.”
“I’m more than welcome to help.”
“Virginia, please. I could never ask. You’ve done enough. You don’t have to bend over backwards.”
“Can I borrow some money?” Andrew chuckles.
Both Jerrica and my mom lightly slap his leg in annoyance.
“Well, dinner’s almost ready. I’d love for you two join us. Maybe I can bounce some ideas with you, I always dreamed of being a wedding planner. I never got the chance to follow it,” Mom walks over to the kitchen to check on what she’s cooking.
“I never knew that. Our wedding could be the perfect chance to fulfill that dream,” Jerrica gasps then leans over to her fiance to say. “On your best behavior, you promised.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“It’s like he’s your puppy,” Sara laughs.
“Sometimes it's the other way around,” Jerrica giggles and joins our mom in the kitchen.
She has lived in New York with her mom ever since their parents got divorced. Emily stayed behind, but joined her midway of my first year. I only got to know Jerrica for a total of a couple days during the summer when she visited, three years ago.
Seems like that three is becoming relevant again.
I got the impression that she was more stoic than her sister. Jerrica was much more serious and also much more sure of herself. She walked around like it had purpose. That summer was when she met Andrew and fell in love for the first time.
Three years later, Jerrica hasn’t changed much. Her posture makes it seem like she’s the adult in the house, like she’s older than my mom. She has this power that allows her to keep Andrew in line. There’s only one woman who Andrew would submit too and it was her.
But Andrew is also her weakness.
Like in the cafe last night, Jerrica sometimes breaks out of character during dinner. Andrew has the power to make Jerrica drop her guard and make her blush like she has a schoolgirl’s crush. I’m unable to find a pattern. Sometimes he says a joke that breaks right through her or unexpectedly says something romantic.
Most other times, Andrew just annoys Jerrica. She tolerates it more than she teases back.
I don’t get it.
How they look at each other never matches how they act. It’s nothing like how I see Sara and Freyja interact. I get it that not everyone is so lovey-dovey, but Jarrica makes it seem like it’s an arranged marriage despite the few outliers.
But what would I know?
I never had a boyfriend.
I’m single.
I always have been, with the closest I’ve gotten was with Alex but that’s now dead in the water.
I thought I loved Cody, but I know now that was only because I took the attention he gave me the wrong way. My feelings for him have faded and I couldn’t be more glad. We couldn’t stay friends if they didn’t.
The only other guy I developed a crush on was Yuele, but that quickly disappeared within the hour we met.
I haven’t had a crush on another guy except for those three. It’s one of the many things that is wrong with me. I don’t like to think about that very often. It’s not an easy thing to admit.
I could easily get a boyfriend whenever I wanted. I don’t have the heart to ever get in a relationship just for the sake of knowing how it feels like. It wouldn’t be right of me. Any guy I string along is never intentional and always on them for getting their hopes up. I make sure to tell them that so they don’t. It took me a while to realize that I was only raising my value in their eyes, that I was worth more, and I was doing it to myself.
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Exclusivity made me exceptionally desirable.
People want what they can’t have.
But the problem is that I’m the same way.
It would be much easier if I was a regular girl and could develop crushes. I can have any guy I want but it wouldn’t mean anything to me. It would be easier if I wasn’t wary of people’s feelings. Sometimes I hate that I’m unable to be that selfish.
Mom leaves for work after dinner and Sara takes Andrew outside so they could talk in private. I’m left alone with Jerrica who’s been busy cleaning the dishes despite her being our guest and it should be my job. This could have been avoided if the dishwasher worked, but mom doesn’t have the money to get a new one.
“You’ve been quiet all night,” Jerrica eventually comments on it after putting away the last plate. She stretches before sitting in front of me. “Something on your mind?”
“No, nothing,” I shake my head.
“Don’t bullshit me, Grace. If Andrew can’t lie to me, neither can you.”
“Do you really love Andrew? He gets on your nerves more than he makes you laugh.”
“Is that all?” Jerrica almost laughs, resting her head on her palm. “I do. I know it’s not conventional, but it’s ours. It doesn’t have to be anything else. You’ll understand what I mean one day. I didn’t until I had it.”
“How could you ever fall in love with him?”
Jerrica shrugs, “You’re actually asking me how I can excuse all the terrible things he’s done.”
“Has he told you everything?”
Jerrica subtly nods with her eyes closed. “He told me what he did to you, rather, what he didn’t.”
“You know about that…?”
The night when Andrew took me to my first rave. He could have taken advantage of me. I was letting him. He didn’t.
“Did he tell you why?” I say.
“I think it’s better if you hear it from him. He wants to talk about it. He says it's one of the many things he has to do to feel like he deserves me. He wants to apologize.”
“How do you feel about it? What if he went through with it?”
“Not to sound coldhearted, but I wouldn’t care. It’s that he didn’t that I care about. When he’s ready, he’ll tell you.”
I sigh and pull out my phone to see all my notifications. I did it only to give myself a small distraction and break from Jerrica’s gaze. This subject has also been in her mind a lot. That’s the only reason why she would bring it up, but I don’t know why.
“I have to go,” I stand. It’s about time I should leave to go to the Jazz Club.
“Before you do,” Jerrica stops me. “I just gotta tell you. I didn’t figure shit out at your age either. I still haven’t, and that’s okay. To put too much pressure on yourself.”
I don’t like it when people can tell something is bothering me. Not many people can. I guess Jerrica is one of those people. Otherwise, she wouldn’t bring all that up. I don’t have time to dwell on it. I mean, I could, I have a whole hour while I drive to Seattle, but I can just sing along to my favorite songs to keep my mind off it.
The name of the Jazz Club I frequent is called Midnight Ave. I made friends with the upstairs bartender and it's where I always spend my time before heading downstairs. Nia doubles the amount of any alcohol in my orders and in return, I tip her plentifully. She finds it amusing to eavesdrop whenever I’m approached, and I find it fun to talk about it with her afterwards. I call her friend, but I don’t have her contact information. I’m lucky she hasn’t asked, else she would find out she’s been serving an underage girl this entire time.
But I think in a place like this, it’s not a big deal.
Cranberry Vodkas are my favorite, but tonight, I’ve been feeling Gin and Tonics. They’re so bitter and nasty and so hard to drink. I power through them and eventually find that they get easier to swallow further along. Once the room starts to be a bit wavy, the alcohol becomes smooth.
A man sits a few stools next to me right before I get up to head downstairs. Except he’s not a man and I recognize him. Short but shaggy brown hair and awkward beard stubble along with his horribly small framed glasses. I haven’t seen this guy in over a year.
This is Frank Muse.
We used to go to school together before he moved in the middle of our Junior Year. He’s the quiet type, always keeps to himself and hardly has any friends. No sense in fashion and doesn’t have many points in the look department. He always hung out in the library and not anywhere else.
Everyone thought he was a weirdo.
“You’re the last person I expected to run into here,” I sit next to him.
Frank only moves his eyes to see me, “You’re not allowed to be here,” he says.
“Neither are you,” I giggle. “Frank, how have you been? You sort of just disappeared.”
Frank doesn’t have social media or any online presence. Nobody knew he moved away until months later. The worst was assumed; sick and twisted rumors to paint him in a bad light. A punching bag.
“You’re still annoying.”
“How?” I ask.
But I don’t need an answer, I already know.
Nobody liked Frank because he wasn’t the easiest to get along with. Out of everyone in our school, I was the only one who consistently talked to him. We shared a class together and always stuck with him during that hour. I made it my personal mission to get to know him and bring him out of his shell, even just an inch. Sometimes, I would visit him in the library during lunch. It took months for his complaints to leave him alone to stop.
Frank doesn’t answer so I ask, “I didn’t know you like jazz. Do you come here often?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. You’re the odd one out.”
“Hey, I like jazz. It’s growing on me,” I giggle. “I’m glad I ran into you, I was worried about what happened to you.”
“No you weren’t,” Frank scoffs, staring down his drink. “You only talked to me because you were scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Me shooting up the school.”
That comment gets Nia’s attention. She pretends to be doing something else with her back turned but her ear is slightly turned towards us. I take a drink out of embarrassment.
“Were you?”
“No,” Frank chuckles. “You were wasting your time for nothing. I’m not who everyone thought I was.”
“Then who is Frank Muse?”
Frank swirls around his drink in the glass. He then shrugs with an ice cube in between his teeth.He still hasn’t turned his head to look at me. “You’re so disingenuous. Why do you keep trying to be my friend?”
“Who said that’s what I’m doing now?”
“You wouldn’t talk to me if you weren’t.”
I take a sip of my Gin and Tonic, “Maybe if you weren’t so negative all the time you would see me differently.”
Frank finally twists his head to look at me. “Nobody owes you their attention, Grace.”
“Glad you haven’t changed,” I laugh.
“You haven’t changed either. You always look at people like you’re analyzing every single detail about them. You’re doing it right now,” Frank takes a big swing from his drink. He waves his finger at Nia to make him another.
Nia raises her eyebrow at me, asking me if I’ll be alright through that signal. I wink, letting her know I’m okay.
“And here I thought we could catch up,” I sigh. “I was just surprised to see you here. You don’t have to get all defensive.”
Frank finishes the new drink Nia places in one swing. “I didn’t ask you to talk to me. I come here all the time. This is the first time you noticed.”
“Do you dislike me that much? Frank, I was the only one who gave a shit about you in school? I’m the one who defended you whenever you got shit and made fun of.”
“Did you?”
“Well, maybe I shouldn’t have,” I roll my eyes, twisting my body to face the bar and not Frank. “You should have told me you hated me from the start.”
“You shouldn’t be virtue signaling to begin with.”
I finish my drink, order another and then close out my tab. I came here for a distraction but it’s been made worse.
I’ve never been any less than nice to Frank and this is what I get in return. I only talked to him because I felt bad for him. Everyone made jokes about him behind his back but I knew they weren’t true. I could see through people. Frank isn’t creepy or weird as everyone believes. I thought if our classmates saw how comfortable I was around him, they would leave him alone.
I begin to doubt if that’s all I did it for.
Once again, the emptiness inside me grows. It’s ever so expanding and contracting but never disappearing. It’s a numbness, like static and it prickles inside so uncomfortably. I’m lucky that it doesn’t hurt like the days before.
I say my goodbyes and head towards the basement. That’s why I came here to begin with.