Monday

What Emily mentioned about Jerrica and Andrew immediately gets answered. Jerrica stopped by in the morning asking if we knew what was going on with Andrew. She didn’t know he was already with us. His calmness was apparent but wasn’t too out of character.

None of us were prepared with what Andrew says to Jerrica, to us, his family.

My mom slaps him so hard that it leaves half his face red. It startles me. She begins to cry. Mom never cries. She isn’t like me, she’s strong.

Sara doesn’t say anything. She’s disappointed that her worst fears are true, but she isn’t surprised. I’m not surprised either. We already figured and just hoped we were wrong.

Andrew has always been plagued by ghosts. He caused pain for fun. He was a drug dealer. We knew who he was involved with. Andrew wanted to self-destruct. Murder never was a line he wouldn’t cross.

Sara and I already talked about it. Both of us pay more attention to Jerrica.

She hasn’t reacted yet.

Andrew doesn’t say anything else.

It makes no sense for Andrew to come clean that he has killed before. It’s been a week since he proposed to Jerrica. Surely, that’s over now. Andrew is self-destructing again.

What happened?

Jerrica takes a deep breath, moving her eyes at each one of us one at a time before finally stopping at Andrew’s. He can’t look at her. He can’t look at any of us.

My body tenses when Jerrica walks up to Andrew. I expect another slap, hard enough for me to wince from the sound. Instead, Jerrica tugs on the bottom of his shirt. “C’mon. Let’s just go home,” she says so softly.

“Are you just not going to say anything?” My mom almost screams.

Jerrica shakes her head. “You don’t have to make him feel worse than he already is.”

Andrew’s eyes widened, surprised and maybe a bit scared. “Jer-bear, I…”

“Just shut the fuck up, Andy,” Jerrica sighs, taking hold of his hand. “Did you think I didn’t know?”

“But I…”

Jerrica nearly headbutts Andrew’s chest. She lets her head rest there for a moment. “I thought I told you, you don’t have to fight anymore. I love you, Andy. I’m so proud that you had the courage to tell us but you’ve already proven you changed. I don’t need anything else.”

Jerrica takes Andrew away before my mom can find the strength to scream. She doesn’t speak to us and disappears into her room.

Sara and I stand in silence. Jerrica’s response just as much makes no sense. Murder was the one thing Andrew kept from her and she didn’t care. No logical person would forgive their partner after being told something like that.

I follow Sara up to her room once the initial shock goes away.

All I’m left with is a blurry vision that makes it hard to see. It’s as if I’m not wearing my contacts anymore.

“He was ready to let go again” Sara sits down on her bed and covers herself around her pillows.

I sit on the edge. “What do you think will happen next?”

“I don’t know,” Sara shakes her head. “I can’t remember the last time Mom got so mad.”

I do.

“Did he say anything to you about what Andrew’s thinking? Why would he do that?”

Sara lowers her head. “Not really. Last we talked was Saturday. He wanted me to tell him everything he missed out on,” Sara pauses. “I guess he did say something a little bit odd before we got back home.”

“What?”

“He told me out of all the things he regrets, there was only one thing he would change. Remember when I told you how I got close to Elizabeth?”

I nod.

I know the story. Sara and Elizabeth were friends for a single class during Sara’s freshman year. Elizabeth was in the process of becoming the Queen Bee and was crafting who she wanted to be. Sara was in the middle of figuring out she’s a lesbian. They’re friendship ended when Sara kissed her. Elizabeth thought it was too much and they stopped talking to each other. She couldn’t afford any rumors coming out. That wasn’t the perfect sculpture of Elizabeth.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Because Sara was in Cody’s friend group, they began to talk again once Elizabeth started to date him. They reconciled over the summer. Sara’s the one who convinced Ellie to try cocaine for the first time. That’s what Sara blamed herself for. That is what she did to have guilt over.

“Remember when I finally came out to Andrew only to find out that he already knew?”

Sara only stayed inside the closet for as long as she did because she was afraid of Andrew finding out. For the longest time, we all thought he was a homophobe. He bullied anyone who wasn’t straight and that made Sara scared that Andrew would hate her. They were what kept each other held together from completely falling apart. They relied on each other since their mom died and the abuse from their father.

Sara couldn’t afford to lose him.

There was never a need to keep that secret away from her brother. Andrew only pretended to be prejudiced because he found it funny. Sara was never given a choice but to believe her brother was genuine.

“Elizabeth knew all along,” Sara looks away. “Andrew told her. ”

Her fear of Andrew figuring Sara’s secret became a looming threat when a girl who didn’t like her was trying to expose it. This girl was one of Elizabeth’s best friends, one who betrayed her. Elizabeth wanted revenge and saw an opportunity with Sara. She found a way to kill two birds.

She convinced Sara to pretend to be straight.

Elizabeth convinced Sara to fuck this girl’s brother. Ellie could get back at her former friend, and Sara could hide from Andrew. This plan worked in all ways except for the worst. Sara was forced to put on this charade. Sara tortured herself. On top of what was going on at home, it brought Sara to her own suicide attempt.

Elizabeth knew that she didn’t have to keep it a secret this entire time and still let it happen.

Sara admits that without a hint of anger in her voice.

“How can you say that so calmly? Don’t you hate her? She knew and still used you for her petty revenge.”

“I was using her just as much. She was crying for help. I knew but didn’t care. I wanted to make her feel sorry for me just to make myself feel better. I wanted her to know my pain was worse. She was the first person I told about what my dad was doing to me. There’s two sides to everything, Grace.”

“She was a horrible person. She took so much from you, Sara. And you’re still forgiving her?”

“I did hate Elizabeth at one point. You’re right, she took a lot away from me. I would have been able to tell Andrew about our dad sooner if she told me. Maybe I wouldn’t have tried to kill myself too. But she also gave me you. You and Virginia. Freyja. I have to be grateful for that.”

“It sounds like you’re grateful that she died.”

“Why would I ever be grateful for such a thing? I’m thankful for the good that managed to happen afterwards. No matter how dark it gets, light will always manage to find its way through.”

“Is that how you’re able to be so strong?”

“Strong?” Sara giggles. “I’ve never been strong, Gracie. I just survived. I’ve been given everything and there’s still days where I don’t want to.” Sara sighs. “We all do bad things. Sometimes the guilt catches up to you. We need the support of our loved ones to help us through it when it does.”

“Elizabeth couldn’t live with what she did either,” I remind Sara. “She died to atone, no?”

Today is proof that Andrew couldn’t live with it either.

Sara shrugs, “Because she was alone.”

Sara gets up and heads over to her desk where she looks around for a minute. “All Ellie wanted was to have someone love her despite all her flaws. Everyone was using her for their own selfish reason, eventually, we did too. Everyone betrayed her in the end.”

My sister hands me a Polaroid photograph once she finds it. It’s one many that Emily used to take. It's a group photo of Elizabeth and them with big smiles. The background is blurred but can tell it was taken at a party. Elizabeth looks especially happy, looking the most sober out of the group.

“She trusted us. We just couldn’t see what we were doing to her and it killed her. How many other people were just like her and needed help but couldn’t have it? I was lucky to be given it. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have such a wonderful life. Andrew feels the same way. We gotta be there for him.”

“Andrew’s a murderer,” my voice deepens. “How is that okay? Can we really forgive that?”

“The only one who is trying to figure that out is Mom. I’ll talk to her. I’ll get her to understand. Everything will be okay.”

Everything will be okay. When will that come?

I get up from the bed with my ears ringing. My vision’s only gotten more blurry and I’m nauseous. What about me? I was never given a chance to be protected from this cursed town. I’ve been playing pretend that I’m not just like everyone else. In doing so, I became someone I don’t recognize in the mirror. Who is Grace Ciotta but another girl destined to fall from the heavens?”

“I don’t like it when I’m compared to Elizabeth. She still did terrible things. Am I really that much like her?”

Sara grabs hold of my hand but she’s too blurry to tell what else she’s doing. “You’re nothing like her. Has it been hurting your feelings? I’m sorry. I never meant it in a bad way. I'm just so proud of you. You’ve been through so much and you haven’t let it destroy you. Elizabeth had this light that was comforting. Yours is similar.”

Sara sits me down. Sweat has been building up and makes contact between my skin and clothes, soaking them. I want to throw up. I can’t think straight. Too much happened in a short amount of time.

I can’t control any of it.

“I think it’s just been a kind reminder that it’s not all bad.” Sara pauses. She walks back to her desk and grabs something else. It’s tissues. “You’re sweating. Grace. I know a lot has been going on,” she says, wiping away the sweat off my forehead. “I can cancel my plans with Fey if you want to spend the day together.”

Everyone has moved on. They left the past in the past and found a new future. I’ve been carrying that shadow and been pretending it’s mine. I carry this light that isn’t mine. I molded it to be mine because that’s the only way I could move on too. It’s always been artificial. That’s what Alex meant. It’s not me. Elizabeth was just as fake as everyone around her. Aren’t I just the same? I don’t want to be an Elizabeth clone. I’m not her. I don't hurt people intentionally.

But aren’t I just lying to myself when I say that?