Friday Night
I couldn’t handle being alone in my room anymore. There’s only one place that has made me feel better, only one person who has. I wouldn’t know what I would do if Yuele hadn’t agreed to go out with me tonight.
Yuele undresses himself as he walks into his room. He tosses his rave clothes into the laundry basket then tosses me a change of clothes. He doesn’t even attempt to look away as I take off my top and tights. I’m not shy about exposing my bare breasts towards him.
“Nice tits.”
“Thanks, want to touch them? But only if I touch yours,” I laugh.
Yuele rolls his eyes, untying his hair and letting it hang down to his shoulders. He takes off his tank top and walks inside the bathroom. I sit on his bed but don’t continue to change. My jaw is slightly chattering and I message it so it isn’t as tight. Yuele says something but he’s too far away to understand. I tell him to speak up and he laughs.
I made a considerable effort to get closer to him. I don’t have to try around him. Everything just becomes so natural and easy. I’m not burdened by any heavy weight that I have. After being around him again tonight, I haven’t been more sure that I made the right call.
Yuele took away all of my negative thoughts.
“What was with you tonight? You looked bored,” He asks me in his natural voice when he’s finished in the bathroom. He took off his make-up.
It’s not Yuele anymore. She’s Yuna, her biological gender.
“I was disappointed with the set tonight.”
Yuna walks in front of me, grabbing both of my hands and places them on top of her breasts. She grabs hold onto mine to complete the deal.
I don’t know how she does it. When she’s Yuele, I can never tell she isn’t a guy. She’s tall enough for height to never be an issue but she isn’t muscular enough to be the body shape of a boy. She solves that issue with layers of clothes. With just makeup alone, she shapes her face to be more masculine. Her voice as Yuele doesn’t sound forced. With all of it combined, Yuele and Yuna might as well be different people.
She’s only Yuna if she’s at school or at home. Besides talking to her on Discord, I’ve only met this side of her three times now. She dislikes being a girl and she’s more confident when she’s Yuele.
I think she’s lovely and too hard on herself.
Yuna is just as beautiful as Yuele.
I’ve been thinking there might be more to what I feel about her after tonight. Out of everyone I know, she’s the only one who has made the emptiness go away. I’m happy when she’s around.
“That’s was sexual harassment, Yuna.”
Yuna’s natural and girlish laugh has been taking time to get used to. Yuele’s is all I’ve known but that hasn’t changed how I feel about her now. “How does it feel to be my first?”
I let go of her breasts, having my hands on top of them for far too long. “If it makes you feel any better, you’re my first girl too.”
“Savor it, because you won’t get any better.”
“I thought you didn’t like this side of yourself.”
“I don’t know. I’ve been more comfortable as Yuna when I’m with you. You’re like, my first real girl friend. I can be myself when I’m with you.”
“I think I know what you mean,” I say, putting on the plain shirt I had over my shoulder. “You fill a hole inside me and I don’t know why.”
“I could fill other holes if you want,” Yuna laughs, putting on a sports bra. “Have you ever kissed a girl?”
“You’re literally the horniest person I know.”
“What about it?”
“You can be horny with literally anyone else, not just me.”
“Grace,” Yuna sternly says.
I know. I know. It isn’t that simple for her. Because she’s bisexual, that would mean she wouldn’t be limited with options, but that isn’t the case. When she’s Yuele, who’s shes the most comfortable as, no girl would hook up with him when they find he doesn’t have a penis and no guy would want to find out he’s actually a girl. As Yuna, it’s easier as it’s her biological gender, but she doesn’t have the confidence to ever expose her feminine body to anyone without the mask of Yuele.
I get it but Yuna hates her biological gender. She lives a double life because of it. No one besides her parents know that Yuna and Yuele are one and the same. She doesn’t want anyone to know.
“Sorry.”
“As punishment, I demand you cuddle with me tonight.”
“Holy shit, that’s so gay,” I laugh.
Yuna raises her eyebrow, “Did you just judge me?”
“No, no,” I continue laughing. “I think I need it too.”
“Yay, bestie!”
We were supposed to watch Youtube videos while we came down from our high. Instead, we skip straight to wrapping ourselves under the bed sheets and put on a movie. It’s not just some random one, but an anime one that Yuna’s forcing me to watch because I haven’t yet.
It’s 2 AM and everything is okay now.
It’s not a struggle with her.
I’m holding her hand. I haven’t let it go since the movie began. Our bodies are close enough to where I can feel her body heat mix with mine. We've been under the covers like we’ve done it hundreds of nights. I feel safe here. The void has vanished.
Yuna only stayed friends with me because I didn’t find it odd when I found out she was a girl. Honestly, I didn’t care at all and she liked that. It has never bothered me before but it has all night. Because I knew Yuele was a girl, that stopped me from developing any further feelings. But I never felt more myself other than with her. That has to mean something. How she presented herself used to not matter to me. Is it wrong that I wish she was a boy instead?
“Earlier you said you can be yourself with I’m with you, Yuna. Do you really not have feelings for me?”
The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
I think I might love this person.
Yuna and Yuele.
Yuna laughs, lowering back inside the covers. “I know I pretend I do but…I don’t. Do you?”
It is love.
Platonically at least.
I wish it wasn’t. I wish that it was more because this is what I’ve been searching for, this feeling, this lack of emptiness. I don’t know why. It’s enough.
I roll to face this girl who makes me feel this way. “Can I kiss you?” I ask.
Yuna adjusts herself and rests her forehead on mine. The TV light reflects off her eyes and shimmer. I want to find out how I feel. Maybe it’ll change, maybe it won’t. Yuna is the only person where my heart can relax.
“If you want,” Yuna looks down at my lips and back to my eyes. “If it’ll help you.”
We’re both still high on ecstasy. Our emotions are heightened. I wouldn’t seriously consider doing this if we weren’t. She jokes around, but Yuna wouldn’t either. But behind her eyes has always been a trail of loneliness. It’s never not been there. All she ever wanted was someone like me. I make her less lonely.
I’m less lonely with her.
My lips gently grab hers. A hold that I linger on to, waiting for something to happen. A spark. A warmth. Anything. Her lips are just like any other’s. Maybe they’re thinner than average, but it's still just skin.
This isn’t what I'm looking for.
If it was, I would be in love with Yuna, with Yuele. We’re enough for each other but despite it, it just isn’t meant to be. We play and joke around but it frustrates me. How can being around someone make me complete but be the wrong thing at the same time?
Why do I have to rely on someone else to complete me in the first place? Why can’t I do it by myself? I can’t be with Yuna all the time. She can’t always be the only one holding me together. But it’s not Yuna herself who’s doing this.
It’s what she brings and I’m confused further. What sets our friendship apart from all others that makes it so different?
“Your hand is stiff.”
“Sorry,” I let go, but Yuna grabs on again.
“Well?”
I shake my head. “Still straight, sadly.”
Yuna giggles, taking my hand and wrapping it around her waist. “What were you hoping to accomplish?”
“I just wanted to make sure. Who knows, what if I wanted to be a sexed up abusive lesbian with you.”
“If anything I’ll be the abusive one,” Yuna laughs.
“How so?”
“I don’t know, weird shit like BDSM or roleplay..”
“You’re into that?” I laugh.
“Fuck no. What’s really going on?”
“I’m trying to figure shit out.”
“That’s a first.”
“That I’m…”I stop myself from finishing.
I haven’t ever done anything bad to deserve this void. I haven’t done anything wrong. It’s all in my head. A problem of my own creation. It’s just an emotion. It’s not actually real but it fundamentally hurts as physical pain. I’ve been calling it an emptiness just because it’s not easy to describe. Another way to say it is that it’s an existential loneliness.
I wanted to be seen.
So I became seen.
I wanted to be liked.
So I sat on a throne.
I’m who I am because I no longer wanted to feel insecure about myself. It’s the most selfish thing I've ever done. I may have let it get to my head a little bit, but I was smart enough to never be full of myself but I always have been. I killed the part of myself that made me feel worthless. Now where has that gotten me? I’m still just as insecure. I’m still just as alone.
All there’s left is a girl who cosplays the very same person who she can’t escape from. I am her reincarnation and not Grace. I killed Grace so I wouldn’t be alone, but now I’m alone because nobody knows Grace. I don’t know her.
She was never worthy of love to begin with.
I’m disgusting.
“When I was a kid, I ran around pretending to be a boy,” Yuna whispers after I never continued. “I learned early on that it was better to act my gender. I was bullied a lot until I did. I still made a lot of friends, but I was never part of a core group. I floated around from clique to clique. I never had anyone who could understand me.”
Yuna briefly went over this before, but never went into detail. She doesn’t like to talk about why she hates being Yuna.
“I made friends online who are just like me. I thought they could understand. They couldn’t. They were trying to force me to like the things they like, dress how they do and think like they do. They wanted me to conform to their ideals. I just wanted to be me, not someone else just to fit in. The queer community is so inclusive until they find someone they don’t like. They tormented me worse than anybody else. Ironic, considering where I live, but they made me so distrustful.”
“It must have been so hard, I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been tolerating being a girl until I graduate and I can leave this identity behind.. Then you show up and now some days I wake up feeling that I’m in the right body. I thought Yuele was what I wanted. I’m trying to figure shit out too. I’m more confused than ever. I blame you.”
“Me?!”
“I’m still figuring myself out too and I have you to thank. I’m not as miserable.” Yuna smiles. She taps the tip of my nose with your fingertip. “Your turn now.”
It’s been a long day. I’ve gone through so many emotions that they all have blended together by now. I came face to face with myself again. I didn’t like who I saw. I never have.
“Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me,” I whisper. Although I’m not looking at Yuna but at bedsheets, she doesn’t look away from me. “I wish I could be proud of myself. I wish I could look at myself like they do.”
“And who’s that?”
“An incorruptible angel. The light in everyone’s darkness.”
“And who do you see yourself as?”
“That I’m just a disappointment.”
Yuna gets up. She leaves me alone for a moment while my tears soak up the pillow. She comes back with tissues, wiping them away for me. “You know that’s not true.”
“I am!” I sob. “I’m so fucking pathetic, Yuna.”
“How so?”
“My entire life…I felt that there was something wrong with me. I was born defective. I have this emptiness inside of me and I’ve done everything to find what I lack. I thought I fixed it but it’s tearing me apart again and I can’t take it anymore. It’s pathetic.”
Yuna wipes away my tears again. She lays down back on the bed and wraps herself around my back.
“You’re the only one who makes me feel differently and I don’t know why.”
“I don’t either,” her hair tickles my neck. “It’s a good thing we have each other, huh? We can figure it out together.”
“Nothing I do will be good enough.”
“For what?”
For my mom. My family. For my friends. To be seen. To be important. To not feel like I never actually been loved. To feel like I never had to take the identity of the girl who hurt me the most just to be liked.
To not be lonely anymore.
I’m not good enough for me.
“To be…” I choke.
I did not ask for this. I did not deserve this. It never had to be this way. It doesn’t have to be like this. I didn’t do anything to deserve any of this.
I didn’t deserve Elizabeth shooting herself in front of me.
“It’s okay…shh…shh, you can cry,” Yuna warmly says which I can barely hear over my wailing. “I’m here, okay? I’m not going anywhere. You can let it out.”
I can’t understand what I’m even saying anymore.
“No, no, don’t apologize. You’re not a bother,” Yuna quietly says in between my inaudible rambling. “You’re not a burden, okay? Please don’t ever believe that you are…”
I continue to cry.
And cry.
And I can’t hear anything anymore.
I can’t see anything.
I can only cry.
I’ve been so alone.
Why do I believe that the love I’m given isn’t the exact same that I long after. Why isn’t it what I’ve been looking for? Why do I yearn for something stronger?
What’s missing?
No matter what I do or find what brings me happiness, that emptiness always follows behind it. It’s never far away. It tell me:
“I will always be here. I am never going away. You’ll always be miserable. There’s no fixing it, because you’re fundamentally broken. There is nothing to fix.”
I’m so tired.
Then Yuna says, “Every time I think you’re so cool you do something that makes you look more like a dork.”
“What?” It takes me aback.
At some point, I stopped crying. Yuna replaced the soaked pillow and is facing me, brushing my hair with her fingers.
“You’re so dumb, Grace,” Yuna giggles. “Honestly, sometimes I think you read into things so deeply that you forget what you were looking at in the first place.”
I’m able to softly laugh. I have enough energy for that. “What do you see?”
“You have your whole life to figure yourself out. You’re not going to do it over a weekend. Slow down and stop thinking so much. You’re going to be okay.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because you’re never not you.”