Sunday Night

Alex opens the door to his empty house. He made me wait a while after texting him that I arrived. But during that wait, I was able to calm my nerves and not have my kneecaps implode on themselves.

“You look nice,” he says but his eyes never moved away from mine.

“Thanks, I just came back from my birthday dinner.”

“Everyone’s pissed you’re MIA,” he chuckles , moving out of the way so I can come inside.

I never get to be alone with Alex, not like this. Not this uninterrupted. Just as the few times I visited before, the same Jesus and religious imagery is displayed all throughout the house. His parents run the only church in town. It’s why it's rare to see Alex be in the places where sin is openly and rapidly committed. Alex shares the same beliefs as his family although isn’t as religious as them. I’ve been using it as an excuse to explain why we haven’t slept together yet.

“I don’t care what they think. They’re having their fun without me.”

Alex chuckles and closes the door. “That’ll be the first time.”

“I know for a fact I’m not that shallow.”

“I’m happy to be proven wrong, Grace.”

“How’s your dad?” I ask him to change the subject. “He’s fully recovered, right?”

Alex nods, walking over to his kitchen. “I’m sad I won’t have the house for myself much longer,” he says while he grabs something out of his freezer. He hands me an ice cold beer bottle. “But it’ll be nice not to look after the church for once.”

“Trying to get me drunk?”

“I would give you shots if I was,” Alex chuckles. “You prefer beer if I remember right.”

“You were listening,” I smile. “Was it lonely today?”

“For what?”

“Y’know, for your folks missing out on the big day,” I open the beer cap using the metal of my car keys. Alex uses the magnet bottle opener on the fridge. “Did they at least call?”

“Pshh, like it’s anything to celebrate.”

I giggle, “That’s what I said!”

We move over to the living room sofa where we sit, our bodies turned towards each other. “Freyja did call me. You didn’t mention Sara’s back home. That's all she talked about. She’s excited to come home.”

“I thought you knew? Maybe I would have mentioned it if we hung out like we used to.”

It’s totally not weird that his sister is dating my sister. It’s fine, I’m not related to Sara. It’s also totally not awkward their dad believed God punished him by giving him cancer when Freyja came out. I’m in awe that Freyja managed to convince him there’s no correlation. It shocks me more than his mind didn’t change again once the cancer became so bad that he had to go to a specialized hospital out of state.

Freyja’s has been there for the past couple of weeks to make sure things don’t worsen again.

Alex puts on something on the TV for background noise but neither of us pay attention to it. The coffee table is quickly filled with empty bottles of beers as we both drink them like delicious nectar.

I’m unable to keep my eyes off his milky coffee eyes. I’m sunk into them. All the girls find Alex incredibly hot. It’s been that way since we were freshmen. Every girl has had a crush on him but I never got it. It wasn’t until I got to know him where I found out he’s not like every other guy. That’s when I began to like him.

We were closest during our sophomore year. We kissed towards the end and our fling has been an ongoing burning question since. I tried to keep it being indirect and mute, y’know, to never seem like I’m easy. I grew tired of that and have directly asked him why we never linked up this year.

He wants to be ready.

Whatever that lie means.

If he agreed to let me come over tonight, that just means he was waiting until we graduated. It has to be, he never spends time with anyone in his house alone, including his friends. The balls of him thinking I would wait for him and wouldn’t get a boyfriend in the meantime. It was a bold play, but he was right.

“Why did you blow everyone off?” he asks.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

I shrug, “Am I not allowed?”

“I never thought you would.”

“And just who do you think I am?”

Alex chuckles and looks away, “I still remember the little dork I ran into when we first met. I liked her better.”

Right.

Alex has always liked me. He didn’t care that I was a little ugly duckling back then. He didn’t care about what people said about me. He always liked me for me.

I don’t forget.

I never forget.

Why did I forget? Am I forgetting something else?

“I’m still that girl…” I whisper softly.

My eyelids ease up and I try to make them sultry.. I wish I had a mirror so I can see how bad of a job I’m doing, but It seems to be working. Alex’s eyes are longing too.

Alex inches his head ever so slowly, “I haven’t seen her in a long while…”

“You know it’s my birthday, right?” I edge my head closer too.

“I know…”

Holy shit am I bad at this.

“Did you get me a present?” I say.

Boys are supposed to make the first move. I’ve given him the signs that I’m letting him. I look at each of his individual eyes then peek on his lips before meeting both of his eyes again in a matter of a half second.

I’m unable to control myself.

I make the first move myself.

Alex jerks his head back and covers my mouth with his hand, crushing my heart. It’s only for a second as he laughs before releasing my lips and locking them instead with his.

He pushes me down on the sofa.

I wrap my arms around his strong back and tighten into his hard muscles. I never thought they'd be this defined from his skinny appearance. They shouldn’t be this noticeable, Alex isn’t part of any sports team or club. It must be my imagination.

But that doesn’t matter. My lips are around his. Holy shit.

Our only kiss before this was just a small and awkward peck.

I dreamt about this night for so long.

My sweet mandarin Burt Bee’s lip balm begins to rub off on his lips and give them flavor. He smells nice, a subtle scent of timber. It mixes well with my lavender and honey perfume. He must have put it on just for me. It’s weird that that’s all I can think about and nothing else.

Alex pulls away to catch a breather.

“I want you, you know,” I tell him.

My crush, maybe even my love, laughs and covers his head on the side of the sofa. I take this time to unzip my white and gold embezzled cocktail dress. I lower the upper half to expose my breasts.

Alex only takes a quick look when he notices. “I’ve always liked you, Grace.”

“I know.”

I pull his lips back to mine.

This time I have to pull away to catch my breath but not before I start to unbuckle his jeans.

“I’ll make the wait worth it,” I moan.

I pull his penis out. Alex kneels back up. His dick is rock hard and stares at my face, contradicting his facial expression. He’s biting his lip and clenching his eyes closed.

“Who am I speaking with right now?”

“What do you mean?” I nervously laugh.

“I thought the Grace I like was coming back,” Alex puts his penis back inside his pants. “I thought I was wrong about you.”

“Alex, I’m me. I haven’t changed.”

“That’s not how I see it.”

I get off from laying on my back and sit back up. I’m practically throwing myself at him, why would he stop? I know he’s not like the rest, but Alex is still a guy. No guy would give this up. “Stop fucking with my feelings!”

“I don’t mean to,” he stands. “I’m sorry.”

“Then what?! Why did you invite me over if you didn’t want to? What is holding you back?”

He looks away, “You’re the one thinking about sex. I thought you were finally done with your little experiment.”

“Experiment? What experiment?”

“The weird thing you’ve been doing pretending to be Elizabeth. You’ve been acting like she's someone to look up to. I miss the old Grace.”

I stand up and cover myself up. “You keep saying that. What old Grace? I’m not a fucking loser anymore. That’s the only thing that’s changed. It’s not my fault I remind everyone of Ellie.”

The void doesn’t stop growing.

I want a line of cocaine. I want a lick of MDMA. Fuck, I even want to take some shrooms or LSD and listen to relaxing music on a walk through the forest. Anything would be better than this empty feeling. I want to forget.

“Yes it is. Did you forget what she did to you? Did you let all the attention get in your head and forgot who she was? Ever stop and consider how selfish and inconsiderate you’ve become?

“Selfish? I’m anything but,” I scoff. “That’s the one thing Elizabeth and I don’t have in common. I’m not her and I won’t ever be. I’m so fucking tired of everyone thinking I am.”

“Then stop acting like it,” Alex stands up, knocking an empty beer bottle down. “Just what have you been trying to prove?”

“Oh, fuck you!” I raise my voice.

“Or is this who you really are now?”

“I can’t fucking believe you,” I gather all of my stuff and head towards the front door. “I’m so fucking sick of you always playing with my emotions.”

“Grace…” his words fall on deaf ears.

I take one last look at him, repressing the urge to slam the door when I’m finished. “Congratulations on breaking my heart…”

I ultimately fail, and slam the door so hard that I hear it crack somewhere.

I park next to a house a few blocks away from mine.

I try my hardest not to cry. I’m supposed to be a storm strong enough to not allow myself to cry. I moved past that weakness. I moved past that Grace. A tear falls and when I taste it, hell is let loose. This is what the old Grace would do, but she’s always been me.

She never changed, I just made her strong.

How can Alex not see that?

How can he not like that?

I’m strong. I’m a storm. I got rid of everything that I hated about myself. I’m no longer a nerd, naive, timid and everything that was unlikable. I’m not a fucking loser with no friends. I became who I always dreamt of being, and more.

Why couldn’t that be enough?

Why is it never enough?