Sunday
I can barely look at my reflection on the window in the building I’m heading inside. It’s distorted, transparent and hollow, just how I am. The city’s ambience gets replaced by shouts, grunts and mats being hit when I enter. Everyone in the muay thai gym is doing their drills, except for Cody. He’s sparing someone.
Cody smiles at me when the training is over. I wave back and wait for him to get ready to leave.
I drop him off at his mom’s house first so he can grab the keys to his treehouse. I stay inside my car as his mom isn’t home. I’m glad she isn’t. I’d just spent the entire day talking to her if she was. I just want to spend the entire day with Cody, something we haven’t done in ages.
I lower the window and stick my head outside to stare at the sky.
Besides the rain at the end of May, it hasn’t rained since. The rain stopped, but the clouds never left. The rain has been edging me. Today’s the first day I’ve seen a hint of a blue sky. The forecast is saying all the clouds will go away in a day or two but I don’t want them too. I want it to rain again.
Cody jingles his keys to alert me he’s finished. The path to his treehouse is easiest through his backyard. I get out and follow him into the forest fencing his house. Cody leads with a 6-pack case of beer he brought out.
Darkwood is a small town that encircles a forest like a crescent moon.. On the west is the school and what I guess could be called downtown. On the north is where I live, in a cul de sac similar to where Cody used to live. On the south is where the poorer houses are. The only official entrance to the forest is a trail that leads to a campsite. The campground is where all the seniors hang out if there isn’t anything else to do. Nobody goes further past this place.
I used to get lost every time I ventured deeper into the woods. I only become familiar with the area once I find the notable landmarks to use as guides. There’s also the subtle man made trails from the frequent visits. Somewhere in the middle of the woods there’s a large boulder with a small stream that curves around it. It’s trivial to find it now.
With a skip over the stream is a more noticeable footmade trail that heads east. The journey used to end after another five minutes of walking. The original treehouse used to be at the end of it. It used to belong to Cody and Emily, built when they were kids, but that’s long been destroyed. A lightning strike during one of the worst storms to ever happen. There’s nothing here anymore. It’s now another landmark to use on the way deeper east and into the mountains. A new treehouse waits right before reaching the hills.
Cody has spent the last three years building another one. Born from a gigantic and deformed tree, the house is split into two, much like the trunk. On the ground, the main cabin serves more as an actual house. Part of the trunk runs through it, before splitting and reaching towards the sky. Another, smaller, cabin is supported by the branches and various wooden logs connected to the ground. Cody unlocks the front entrance with the keys he got from his house.
The day his childhood treehouse burned down was the day he could finally begin to move on from Emily. He insists that this one, the one that replaced it, is proof that he has. I’ve pointed out many times to him that it’s contradictory. He would have never built it in the first place if he had. I told him it’ll forever be a reminder of Emily. But for him it serves more of a symbol of what he rebuilt instead of trying to keep what was already lost. I have to believe him in that.
The inside of the cabin is empty as it’s only been recently finished. There’s no furniture to make it anything more than just a box. There’s only two rooms, the other meant to be a small bedroom. In the middle, where the tree trunk splits up is a ladder and a hatch that continues up towards the cabin above. There’s no door there but a balcony on one of the sides where we can hang our feet over. Like his old treehouse, these walls are covered in Polaroid photos. Those used to be taken by Emily. Still moments of Emily and Cody’s time spent growing up together. These new ones were taken by Cody. There’s not a lot yet, but it’ll eventually add up. He pins the wall with the photos he took on his latest tour.
“Did you meet someone on tour?” I ask him, examining each and every new one.
All of them are scenic places, of his bandmates, of one's where he’s in the middle of performing. There’s never been one where a girl is the focus, except for the last he pins. Cody never mentions if he’s ever dating somebody. I’m drawn to this anomaly, further curious as to why she’s covering her face with her hands.
Cody nearly sits his chin on my shoulder to see what I’m talking about. “Oh, that’s my producer. She doesn’t like having her picture taken.”
“You could at least lie. When’s the last time you hooked up with a girl?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“Nevermind.”
“That’s what I thought,” Cody laughs, moving to the other side and sits over the balcony. “Weird of you to ask.”
“I don’t know. Maybe you’re being a creep and hitting on my friends now that they’re 18,” I joke knowing it makes him uncomfortable. Maddie has had a crush on Cody and always asks me to put in a good word for her. I think it’s funny.
“I’m sure you would know if I was, Ms. Queen Bee,” Cody laughs. “How’s it feel to have more followers than me and by doing nothing?”
“Feels great, actually,” I sit next to him.
We’re high enough where it’s dangerous if we fall. There’s nothing below to break the fall unlike anywhere else. My legs are subtly shaking, but I’m stronger than my fears.
“Must be nice being a girl.”
“It’s the best.”
There’s a lull of silence.
With everything that’s been going on, I thought it would be nice to come here to think about it all. Cody has been a sort of mentor. Cody’s been watching over me ever since I’ve known him. When Emily wasn’t there to be my friend anymore, he was the one who guided me. I followed him around like a puppy cub and a misguided schoolgirl crush. Cody has always been my protector.
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He’s the only male role model constantly in my life. Cody’s similar to Felix in that regard, only Cody wasn’t the one to teach me how to be liked. Cody didn’t teach me how to become a storm, to never feel weak again.
Cody was part of that weakness, but only because I didn’t like that I wasn’t anymore to him than an annoying little sister to him. I couldn’t see why we worked better as friends. As soon as I understood that, I lost my feelings and I couldn’t be more glad. I didn’t even know why I liked him so much.
But looking back at it now, I liked him because he was the first boy to ever pay attention to me. Yeah, that’s what it was. It’s taken me this long to figure that out. It’s never been more obvious. He was just looking out for me and I twisted it to mean deeper.
“You make a great dad.”
Cody almost breaks the wooden rail in a burst of laughter. “A dad? What are you talking about, Gracie?”
“Tell me I’m wrong. You’re basically my dad.”
“It sounds so wrong when you say it like that,” Cody continues to laugh. I can’t help but to join. “I guess I’m glad you see me that way.”
“Ew, I didn’t say I see you as my dad, weirdo. You’re only three years older than me. I mean, you know how I grew up. You taught me alot that I lacked. You’re there for me and you never ask for anything in return.”
Cody hands me a beer from the box. “You’re a great girl, Grace. It’s been a pleasure to be your friend.”
Speaking of getting over feelings, Emily’s back. I haven’t talked about it to him, but Emily mentioned they ran into each other before Cody’s show.
“Did any of your old feelings come back?”
“With Emily? Not really,” Cody says, opening a beer bottle for himself. I use the part of the wooden rail in front of me to open mine.
“That night sure was awkward though.”
Cody chuckles, then drinks a fourth of his bottle. “Sure was.”
“Why did you invite her?”
“She asked.”
“Do you still hate Elizabeth for breaking you guys up? You would have been married by now if she didn’t.” I ask, catching up to Cody in volume consumed.
“What happened, happened.”
Since childhood, Cody and Emily had a promise to marry each other when they’re 21. Well they’re that age now and that promise can’t be kept.
Cody is able to look at you like he could see into the soul. His eyes became my prison cell whenever they examined me. I was locked away the second I first saw them. I wasn’t the only one. Cody’s popular among girls because of his eyes. It was these eyes that captivated Elizabeth into dating him.
It was those eyes she twisted into making him believe they were evil.
Cody blamed himself above everyone else for Elizabeth's death. Although he was childhood sweethearts with Emily, he still chose to date Elizabeth for that last summer. It didn’t matter because of the end of the day, Cody and Emily knew they would end up with each other.
Elizabeth inserted herself into Cody’s friend group because they didn’t judge her. She felt safe, but in that safety, she was hurt the most. Elizabeth’s spiral began when she found out Cody’s promise with Emily. Emily was who told her. She was jealous and wanted to hurt Elizabeth. Well Elizabeth twisted it into thinking Cody was only using her.
“I’m not saying you should blame her. But maybe it's time to admit that she did it on purpose. She cheated on you with Andrew and blamed it on you. She made you believe you were something you’re not, that you manipulated everyone just for fun. She made you believe that you could treat Emily however you wanted. She made Emily believe that.”
“But she was right. I did like the attention I got from the girls. She showed me that I never saw Emily as a person. I was being awful to her.” Cody sighs. “Emily was right to leave. I have to be grateful for that. It made me a better person.”
Even if that was true, he was never that Cody who became my best friend. At least for me.
“Is that how you can forgive her?”
“Why are you bringing this up now? You’ve been staring off into space all day, is everything okay?”
“I’m just tired of…” I don’t finish when I spot a person below with the corner of my eye.
Speak of the devil.
Cody noticed before me and stands up. It’s Emily, and she’s observing everything around her. Cody’s gone by the time she looks up and spots me. She waves and says hi to me. I should have gone with Cody, but my leg didn’t want to move.
Cody meets her below where I can barely see the two.
“What are you doing here?” He asks.
“Cody. Hi,” she replies but I can barely hear her. “I wanted to see if you actually built another one like you said. It’s better than I imagined.”
“Quite the coincidence to come when I’m here too.”
“Maybe,” Emily giggles. “I should’ve asked first. It was rude of me.”
Cody doesn’t say anything for a moment. They’re too far away to see their faces too. I stand up and lean over the balcony to get a better view.
“Did you visit your dad?”
“Yeah,” Emily nods. “He’s the same as ever, like I never left. I’ll be staying with him for the next couple of days.”
“I thought you were staying in the city.”
“I was. I just need to give Jerrica some space. It’s hard to be around her right now.”
“Why?”
“Andrew hasn’t been himself the past couple of days. He stopped talking to Jerrica for some reason. I think there’s going to be a huge fight and I don’t want to be there when it happens.”
The ringing in my ears came back. Emily and Cody continue to speak but I’m unable to hear them anymore. It’s happening again. It’s overwhelming me and freezing me in place. It’s like I’m not even here.
The world won't stop revolving around the sun even if I was.
I don’t exist.
I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I’m missing.
I don’t know what is wrong with me.
I was born defective.
The best I’ve been able to do to fix it is finding comfort that I’m so similar to Elizabeth. But I’m not. I never was. I will never be her but pretend to be. It’s my identity but I’m no good otherwise.
Once I calm myself, the ringing stops.
“How mad would your mom be if I showed up to her house out of the blue?” Emily asks.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. She might scold you in Spanish for a bit, but she’ll be happier than mad.”
“Can I convince you to be with me so it could be less awkward?”
“She’ll only get the wrong idea. It’s your mess to clean up, don’t get me involved.”
“Fair, fair,” Emily laughs. “I’m being selfish again. There’s a lot of things I gave up that I don’t deserve back. I’m sure your mom still hates me.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. She understands why you left. I’m the one she hasn’t forgiven,” Cody awkwardly laughs.
It’s the pause in between his laugh and her giggle that stands out. I don’t have to be near them to feel it, to feel that subtle tension.
It’s the same tension I had between Alex and I. There was always something there, but for whatever reason, could never be. No matter how hard I tried, I’ve become difficult to hold.
I am not an easy girl to want, at least not for Alex.
He said he likes the old me, but I don’t ever want to be her ever again. I’ve been holding on to this thread of hope that someday will end up together. That’s never going to happen now, will it? It’s impossible. He’s asking for someone who doesn’t exist. The old Grace won’t ever come back.
They say if you love something you have to let it go, right?
What happens after?
I’ve been carrying some hope that Alex would randomly text me and tell me he changed his mind. I’ve been hoping that I’ll be proven wrong and that I wasn't born defective.
I’m losing my mind.
I have to let that go.
Cody managed to let Emily go. Emily managed to let go. They forgave Elizabeth. They changed. Things are different now. Things can change. I can let go of Alex too.
And maybe I can stop hating Elizabeth too.