Friday night

One week later

I buy drugs from this Acid person in the afternoon. With a name like Acid, I expected some hippie to meet with me. Any other guess would have been just as wrong. I met Acid out in public in the middle of a coffee shop in upper Seattle. He wore a tank top that showed off his massive bodybuilder muscles and it was quite intimidating. I wasn’t scared of his size, but rather that he looked completely different than I’m used to. Get this, Acid’s is just the street name for Omar.

I bought half an ounce of cocaine and an eighth of MDMA. I also bought a few tabs of LSD because why not? It all cost an arm and a leg, nearly quadruple from what I’m used to. Acid threw in a little extra because he was amused that I wasn’t surprised to see him. He said he liked how I carried myself.

“Why didn’t you just sell me this shit from the start?” I asked him

“I would rather have some things stay private. I don’t mix my business with my business.”

“Whatever. Thanks, I guess.”

#

I get high in my bathroom with these higher quality drugs. Of course, I tested them first to make sure there wasn't anything else in them, I’m not an idiot. I test every batch, every time. That doesn’t change with Omar’s street name deal.

It’s been a hard week, but when has it not? I’ve gone to ‘normal’ as much as I can. I haven’t had time for myself because of it and honestly, it hasn’t bothered me that much. I was doing fine before getting in my head, so why did I stop that? Fuck all the bullshit going around me. I don’t have to think about it and be negative all the time.

The crippling addictive feeling of the coke lifts me up and I’m able to look at myself in the mirror.

“You’re not that loser anymore. You’re worth it,” I tell myself to keep the promise I made with Andrew.

I don’t break promises. I have said something nice to myself every day since. It hasn’t been working. I haven’t felt any better about myself.

I don’t think I need to anymore.

I’ll figure myself out one day. Until then, it shouldn’t stop me from having fun. And tonight is all about fun. It’s all about getting fucked up.

I take my girls to a house party in the nicer neighborhoods of Seattle. It’s my first ‘influencer’ party. A famous YouTuber invited me after DMing me on instagram. He promoted it to me by telling me which other personalities would be there like I cared about any of that. I just want to not think like I have been. Tonight is just another night in the string of night parties I’ve gone to all week.

“Nuh uh, not gonna happen,” Liz laughs. We’re approaching the party and I haven’t said a word.

“Why not?” Tina turns around and asks the back seat.

“Because he thought I was black,” Liz says, Tina and Maddie laugh. “He thought I was black asian, like dude, this shade is Mexican.”

“And?”

“He goes, ‘I thought I was getting a little more flavor’. Like ew, bitch, no after you said that,” Liz continues to laugh. “I’m convinced I’m a little asian. I have to be so maybe I do have flavor.”

“You’re so dumb,” Maddie giggles.

“I’m sorry,” Liz leans and bumps into the back of my seat. “We’re hanging out again next week.”

“We’re here,” I announce.

Nobody notices me when I enter through the front door. At first. Grace Ciotta is hard to ignore whenever she walks into a room. My presence demands to be felt. It doesn’t take long for the host to find me and introduce me to all of his friends. Other YouTube personalities, Twitch streamers, Instagram Influencers and micro celebrities. I follow and watch a few of them. Some of them even flew out just to come here.

And I stand equal with them.

No.

I’m above them.

I’m not like them. I don’t involve myself with the scene. I don’t pursue the money I’m allowed to go after. I’m an outsider and that’s what makes me special in their eyes. I’m an anomaly on how I got my following.

And Influnecers might be the fakest people around. Everyone here is just to network and use each other to gain more of a following. Collabs and the sorts. No one here is genuine.

I always thought Influencer parties would be how I imagined them, as crazy as the ones back home. It’s nothing of the sort. It’s just alcohol and drunk decisions. It’s boring.

I go to the bathroom to do a few lines of cocaine. I haven’t gotten any hints that anyone else here does it. I don’t want to make myself look bad and do it out in the open because I know it’ll come back to bite me in the ass later. I’m using this night to grow my connections. I’ve been thinking about accepting any new sponsorship I’ll get offered. Why not?

Usually it takes me two or three to get me wired, with this new patch, I only have to do half of one.. I do three just to continue what faded away on the drive here.

It was never supposed to be like this.

When I first moved to Darkwood, I thought it was the beginning of my new life. If I only knew how right I was, just in the worst way.

On my very first day of school, I met Elizabeth’s ex best friend. Megan invited me to the party happening that very night. I thought that this was it, the chance to change. I knew nothing about the intentions of that invitation. I was blind in naivety and hope.

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

I was only there so Megan had someone to pick on when I would eventually do something stupid because it was going to be the very first time I drank alcohol.

And I did do something stupid.

I threw up on Elizabeth.

The only reason I was there when she shot herself was because I chased after her to apologize when she ran off into the forest. She didn’t do it in front of me on purpose. It was an accident. It haunts me that I managed to find her in that darkness.

The new life I always wanted started at that moment. This life.

The group I find myself talking to try and convince me that I should start streaming. They at least want me to play with them whenever they go live and be a part of their videos. They tell me it’ll really help me gain more of a following. It’s all a disguise to try to get to know me and eventually, sleep with me. That’s all the guys want out of me.

The girls just want me to leave. They’re jealous of me. I’m stealing their thunder. I’m just competition. Passive aggressiveness is all I hear come out of their mouths.

Maddie pokes my shoulder to get my attention and I hope it’s because she wants to leave. Her phone is practically shoved to my face.

“Look at what Choi just sent me.” It’s a portrait of Maddie. An extremely well drawn one at that. “He’s been sending me other drawings too, but this is the first time he’s done only my face.”

“What are you doing in the others?”

“I don’t know, cute shit I guess. It wouldn’t weird me out so much if he didn’t draw me like those Japanese cartoons he always watches.”

“That’s what weirds you out and not that he’s drawing you in the first place? And sending them to you? Maddie I love you, but you would be so easy to kidnap.”

“I don’t know. I think it's cute that he’s thinking of me all the time.”

“Ask him out then. He obviously likes you.”

Maddie pulls her phone down and shakes her head. “But he’s like, always been a loser and isn’t that cute either. It wouldn’t be a good look.”

“Why does that matter? We’ve graduated. I don’t think anyone will care. And also, what's so bad about him that you think he’s a loser?”

“He’s into weird shit, like…”

“Hold that thought, I gotta go pee,” I get up from my seat. Tina looks over at me, scratching her nostril with her finger, a signal asking if I’m going to do coke so she could join. I shake my head.

I do just that. Not just one bump, or two, but five to the point where my skin feels like it’s being vacuumed sealed on itself. My body begins to shake like I’m being electrocuted. My heart is slamming against my ribs.

And I couldn’t feel better.

Maddie’s gone when I leave the bathroom. I’m pulled by the host to his backyard. Several girls are in their bikinis playing around in the pool.

“What do you think?” He asks.

“What am I supposed to?”

“I don’t know. You don’t look like you’re having much fun. You haven’t left, so there’s that.”

I look over the host’s shoulders where two girls are rolling around in the grass, feeling it like they’re on ecstasy. “What are they on?” I nod over.

“If you wanted to party like that, you should have said so,” the host laughs. “They’re on Winter. Ever heard of it?”

“The real one?”

“What other is there?”

I move closer towards the two girls enjoying their high. There’s a bowl that you smoke out of nearby them. Little blue rocks are melted into goo inside.

The real Winter doesn’t exist.

“Do you want some?”

I shake my head. “It’s not weird if I just watch, right?”

“No, no,” one of the girls gets up from the ground, giggling. “Not weird at all.”

“How does it feel?”

The girl reaches over to the pipe bowl but can’t grab it without stumbling. “Smoke it if you want to find out.”

“There’s no other way to describe it than to experience it,” the host tells me.

The girl flicks the lighter on and smokes what’s left. Her eyes roll to the back of her head then falls back to the ground, mumbling to herself.

This drug is what Elizabeth was so fucked up on. It’s the greatest high of euphoria in the world. Everyone who’s done it has said it brings peace to the soul. That has only been a rumor. You don’t smoke the real Winter. It hasn’t existed since the people who produced it, Golden Hearts, collapsed. Only a knock off, an imperfection, exists.

And Elizabeth got her hands on the real thing. It allows access to the soul.

There’s dozens of stories just like that. No one comes out being the same person. But it’s all tall tales, hallucinations that shouldn’t differ from DMT or an absurdly large acid trip. What they see is not real.

She believed it showed her how to fix all of the mistakes she made. She was deluded into thinking she could make everything go back to the way it was. She chased after more and only got the fake. She went so far for nothing but an imitation.

But man, does this Winter high look fun.

Two girls can’t describe it through their giggling. The best they can tell me is that they see the rainbow through the stars. There are no stars. They’re hidden behind the clouds. They see the clouds are on the ground.

They tell me that everything will be okay.

They say that the air is a gossamer that connects everything together.

I turn to the host and say, “Hey, want to fuck?”

The guy stumbles over his words, “Yu..yeah!”

I follow him to his bedroom and start undressing as soon as he shuts the door. He’s nervous. He didn’t expect this. I grab his dick under his pants and start stroking it. He fumbles trying to pull his pants down and almost trips. I get down on my knees and pull his underwear down. I get ready to suck it but…

It’s still soft.

He hasn’t gotten hard. He tries to get it himself but he can’t.

Of course.

“S…sorry,” he sighs.

I grab my clothes before standing up. I don’t know what I expected.

“Just give me a bit. I just need to calm down.”

“The moment’s over, dude. I’m not in the mood anymore,” I say as I put my clothes back on.

We leave the party a little past 2 AM. Liz is passed out on the backseat, sleeping on Maddie’s shoulder. Tina is on aux, going through her spotify to put a song on. We’re all tired and the drive home has been quiet.

“Who is this?” Maddie asks midway to the song that Tina played.

Tina holes her head back at Maddie as offended as a middle class suburban white girl with blue and purple hair could be. “You don’t know Emmah?”

“Is this who that is? Huh. I’ve only heard what’s been recommended to me. I thought she only makes Pop and Classical.”

“This is lo-fi. I thought the vibes would be perfect for the way home, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it’s nice.”

“Try revolutionary.”

I hum along the slow and relaxing melody. I had never heard the song until now. It just comes to me. It’s odd. I hum it like I heard it thousands of times before. It’s many of the odd things that’s been happening to me. Nothing about the past month has been normal. Everything has flown past in a single blink.

I’m not sure what to make of it.

“Tonight was pretty feta,” I say.

“Yeah it was,” Tina yawns. “At least you and Liz had fun, Maddie.”

“I thought it was lit. I came in with no expectations and I was rewarded. Grace, what did you buy before we left?”

I pull the blue rock out of the console and hold it so Maddie can examine it. I didn’t plan on buying it. I just wanted it just in case I ever got curious enough. The girls came down off their high after an hour or so. Nothing bad happened to them and they were able to go back to normal.

But now that I’m looking at it, I’m pulled away from it. “Do you want it?”

Maddie takes it. “You don't?”

“I changed my mind.”