The sun’s rays are cooking my skin. I wiggle my toes into the wet sand. The waves swing up to my ankles. Children are playing, laughing behind me. I’m hugging my knees. I’m warm. Warm like I’ve never been. Warm like, for the very first time, I’m whole. Warm like, I finally found what I’ve been missing. It’s strange. I have never been to the beach before. It’s strange, I can’t see the beach. I can’t see anything.
I’m surrounded by darkness.
“Is everything alright?” A child’s voice asks behind me. It’s mine.
“No. Everything is not alright.”
I stand up and turn. There’s only darkness and this little girl. I’m standing in front of myself.
Eight year old Grace has a smile I long forgotten how to do. Her glasses make her eyes too big. She thinks her horrible bob cut makes her look cute. Her teeth are crooked from always sucking on her thumb. She’s wearing a graphic tee from her favorite show at the time, Gundam. She thinks life will get better soon. I feel so sorry for her.
“Why did you always look at me like that?” her voice shakes. “Why are you sorry?”
“Do you like the person we grew up to be?”
Grace returns her smile and nods, “She’s the best.”
“She killed you.”
“No she didn’t, silly. I’ve been waiting for you to let me come back to her.”
“Why?”
“You’ve been strangling me. All I wanted was for you to hug me.”
“It’s a little bit late for that.”
Grace frantically looks around. “Why?”
I look down at my body. It’s not there. I can move my arms and legs, my torso, head and everything else, but I am not here. That’s right. I’m not actually here. “We died.”
“Not yet,” someone else says.
“We’re about to,” Grace says. “Open your eyes.”
#
The rain continues to fall.
My body is stone. I can’t move it. It’s frozen with the rainfall crashing into my body as if they’re icicle spears. It’s pricking and stabbing every inch on my body except from the waist down, I don’t feel anything below. It hurts to breathe. I can only open one eye and only halfway. The other is pushed into the mud. I can only see what’s directly in front of me– my glasses are now broken in half. Mud is inside my lips, getting stuck between my teeth. It all hurts but it begins to fade as my vision does.
I close my eyes.
#
A girl is holding onto Grace’s hand. Her blonde hair is as beautiful as the pictures. So is her smile–it’s melancholy. So are her eyes. So is the yellow and blue flower patterned sundress. She’s as beautiful as she was portrayed. Elizabeth is here too.
“You’re finally here,” she says. “I left you all alone. I left you to correct all my sins, Grace. And you’ve done a wonderful job all by yourself thus far.”
“I’m so confused.”
“But I didn’t want to meet you this way, not like this. I guess I don’t have a right to complain.”
“What is this? I’m dying, right?”
“You don’t get here by dying,” Gracie says.
“There were plenty of other ways, you kept ignoring them. That wasn’t your fault though, you weren’t aware they were there.”
“Yeah,” Grace jumps.
“Why am I here? Where are we?”
“This is us,” Grace answers. “Elizabeth has been staying here too.”
“How?”
“I forced a twin flame to form between us when I died. I couldn’t leave you alone.” Elizabeth clasps her hands beneath her. “I did what I thought was best.”
“And what were you trying to do by forming this twin flame or whatever? How was that supposed to help?”
“Look down.”
Where my body should be, there’s a weak ember of a blue flame that’s flickering.
“This was the pull.”
Elizabeth nods, “We’re bound to each other, like magnets. I’ve been keeping the flame in your soul from dying. It’s the only thing I could do to try to stop this exact thing from happening.”
“You did a real good job.”
“Twin flames harmonize each other. We couldn’t because I made it impossible for us to meet. I was keeping your magic alive, but I stagnated you. It kept you away from Gracie,” Elizabeth rubs the top of the little me’s head. “I did more harm.”
“Now you’re just making me mad. Why am I here?”
Elizabeth frowns, “You talked to the girl in the white dress. You don’t remember, just how I didn’t. She’s letting us meet. You have no idea how much I needed you. I’m sorry for everything, Grace.”
“You’re not here. You’re not here. You’re not here. My life stopped the second you decided to stop yours, you don’t get to apologize.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you kill yourself?!”
“Because when I remembered what I saw, I couldn’t comprehend what you would mean to me. You were going to fix everything and I didn’t believe you could. Now that I’m a part of you, I can understand that it could only be you.”
“What could I possibly have done?! We didn’t even know each other.”
“But we were going to.”
“And you wouldn’t put me here,” 8 year old Grace says. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, right? I’m here.”
“What’s so different now? Why am I complete?”
“You wished for everyone to see you so badly that you never saw you. Confidence built on hollow bones doesn’t last long.”
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me that all I need to do is to love myself.”
“You’re too intelligent, Grace. You’re too self aware. You already found the root but you haven’t found the right word to call it. It’s the perfect recipe for your brain to be it’s own torture device. You’re self aware enough to recognize the patterns and intelligent enough to understand what is happening in your body and why it is happening, yet you are still stuck because you cannot out think your thoughts. You’ve been misguided. You are not your thoughts. You’re not an unhealable girl. Your emptiness isn’t anger. It’s internalized chronic shame. It’s the shame of the life you could have had. Do you understand, Grace? But you already knew that. You refuse to face it.”
Gracie breaks away from Elizabeth and holds my non-existent hand. “You were strangling me.”
“You’ve been ashamed of her.”
That’s right. I am. It comes from my mom never worrying about me. It comes from how I was viciously bullied because of who I was. That Grace wasn’t lovable so I hid her away. I’ve been ashamed to…
“To show the real you. You don’t think no one will like her. Rejection is all you’ve known.”
“I’ve been waiting for you to come,” Gracie smiles. “It’s time for me to go outside.”
#
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
“Sara! I found her!” That’s Emily’s voice.
Her sprinting footsteps trouble me. She’s not alone. Jerrica is with her too.
“Oh my god, Emily, I would have never found this place!”
Sara joins them immediately after.
“Jesus, fuck!” Sara’s voice trembles. She turns my face to unstick off the ground then flips me over. My sister rests my head on her lap. “She’s still breathing. She’s alive. She’s alive. Call Virginia. Call an ambulance!”
“That’s what I’m doing!” Emily’s voice is just as desperate. “Hello? Please this is an emergency, we need-”
“Oh, Gracie,” Sara whimpers, cleaning the dirt off my face. “What did you do? I’m so sorry. Please, please, please stay with us.”
She’s holding my hand.
“They’re on the way. Jerrica, meet them at the campgrounds and bring them here. Remember, it's directly straight after the old treehouse.”
Jerrica says something then leaves, running.
“Emily…I’m scared. She’s barely breathing.”
“Is there anything we can do to help her?”
“We don’t know what bones she broke. I don’t want to risk making anything worse.” I feel Sara lean her head closer to mine. Her exhaling breath is easier to breathe in, it’s warmer. “I’m so sorry, Gracie. I should…I should’ve been paying more attention to you. I didn’t know what was happening… just please stay with us.”
“At least let's drag her inside and get away from this rain. It’s freezing out here.”
#
I’m not angry anymore.
“Do you understand what you need to do now?”
“I think I understand,” I say, then look at the little Gracie. “I’m sorry.”
“You can’t free Gracie if you don’t ask for help.”
I came here because of Winter. There was another way, right?
I can’t heal alone. I can’t heal by myself. I need help. I have to open up to people. I grew up having to do everything myself. That’s the only way I could survive. I learned everything except how to be vulnerable. It’s not a weakness. I made it to be one. Nobody could understand me because I never let them. And when somebody did, it scared me. I’ve been searching for this place. I’ve been trying to do it alone the entire time.
I met a woman in a white dress. I don’t remember, but it happened. Elizabeth stuck around this place because she understood what she saw.
“Elizabeth…What do I mean to you?”
“I never gave you the chance. But this right here? This is enough.”
“Is that what you saw, Elizabeth? I saw it too…but I can’t remember. I have a power…what is it?”
“I can’t tell you that, I’m sorry, but at least I can tell you it’s your gift.”
“It’s been in front of you the entire time,” Gracie says. “It’s okay if you can’t remember. You don’t need to because you do it all the time naturally.”
“But I want to know.”
“Discover it. You’ll appreciate it more when you do,” Elizabeth says.
#
I open my eyes halfway.
My head is still on Sara’s lap. We’re inside the cabin with a phone light illuminating it. Emily is sitting right next to her. They’re blurry. I can only make them out by their color schemes. Blue and black, and red and brown. Why are they here? How did they find me? What happened?
Sara plays with my hair. I can feel her smile although I cannot see it. “Do you ever feel like Grace radiates this magic around her?”
“Yeah. I can never find the right words to explain it, though. I don’t know what else to call her but magical.”
“She acts like wonderful things don’t happen around her all the time. She doesn’t see that it comes from her.”
“I should have noticed it three years ago.”
“Are you still mad at her?”
“I just wanted someone to blame. I’m responsible for my actions. I’m going to believe in her magic more than her malice. I’ll choose to forgive her every day if I have to.”
“I never thought she had it in her to want to cause so much chaos. I should’ve stopped and asked her why she changed so suddenly. I’ve never seen her be so disrespectful.”
“Well, things considering, I don’t blame her. How could you have known?”
“We failed her. We couldn’t protect her. I thought we would be done with this mess. We really fucked up four years ago. Do you think Andrew and Cody are doing okay?”
“I hope so. They should still be talking to the cops.”
“Do you think things will end differently this time?”
“It’s already different. Everything is,” Emily says, holding my hand.
I close my eyes again.
#
“Discover it? It’s too late for that now. I’m dying.”
“You are.”
I look back down. My blue ember is nothing more than a spark now. I don’t have long. Everything is coming to a close now. I don’t have to be tired anymore.
“Maybe if I came here earlier. I let things go too far.”
“Let’s enjoy these final moments together. See through this darkness. Light up what’s actually around us. This tragedy is not yours.”
#
I open my eyes again.
I’ve stopped breathing. I’m unable to.
Sara is shaking me. “No, no, no, no! Gracie, stay with us. Please! Breath!”
“Shit, fuck, um, what about CPR?!”
“Do you know how?!”
“No! But we can’t just sit and do nothing! Here, move, let me try!”
“Okay…okay…”
Emily opens my mouth and pushes her breath down my throat. She compresses my chest but I’m still unable to breathe. Emily tries again and fails. Sara tries. She fails. They try and try and get more desperate each time.
I’m dying.
“Sara…”
My sister compresses my chest as hard as she can. “Please, please, please, please. Work damn it!”
“Sara…”
“Not you, Gracie. It can’t be you. Not like this. I…I…I know I don’t deserve you, I never have, but please stay with me. Please. Oh god…I’ll do anything…please!”
It’s so peaceful.
“Sara…”
“Please…I’m begging. Just stay…stay with me. Oh God, I’m so sorry. Gracie please…I love you. I love you so fucking much. I can’t be without you. Don’t go. Don’t go…I…I…I… don’t…I…don’t want to–”
“Sara!” Emily cries. “We tried our best. It’s not working. We have to let her go…”
But Sara still tries and tries, each time with more air and pressing down harder and harder. Harder and harder. Inhale and exhale. Thump. Thump. Thump.
My sister goes limp.
“I’m so sorry, Sara…” Emily mixes her words with tears.
My sister wails.
Ah. Death. It’s here. I can let go now.
It doesn’t hurt. Death is beautiful. From my corpse, flowers will bloom. These flowers will give nectar to bees. They will produce food and in doing so, produce life. The cycle of suffering isn’t the only one that exists. There could be good ones, such as the cycle of life. And in my death, I escape suffering and merge into our mother earth. I can finally become one with rain, one with the trees, ones with the animals, one with Mother Earth.
I can finally,
Rest.
I close my eyes for the final time.
The rain finally stops.
#
The ocean waves sing and forth. The seagulls fly above us. The beach is below us. It’s not in darkness anymore. Families are playing in the sand. Food is being grilled. Ball games are being played. Behind, kids are splashing each other with the ocean’s water. Grace is busy building a sandcastle. I’m still facing Elizabeth.
“Why the beach?” I ask her.
“I thought you would like it.”
“I do. Do we all get to be here forever?”
Elizabeth giggles, grabbing my hand. “There’s still so much for you to understand. You have your whole life ahead of you. I would’ve loved nothing more but to see it all, but my role here is done.”
“I’m dead, Elizabeth. There’s nothing more I can do.”
Elizabeth pushes me away and only our locked elbows keep us from falling over. She violently jerks me back and into her arms. This warmth, this comfort in her embrace, It’s making me cry but there’s no tears that fall. It’s the same frequency of warmth of everything around us. It’s one. It’s here. It’s in me.
It’s me.
“You have so much love in you, Grace, much more than you know. More than you can ever give or anyone deserves, which is why I can’t let you die here.”
“It’s too late…”
I’m stroking the back of her hair, preventing her hug from ending. I don’t want to let it go. “This is my gift to you. I can finally complete the twin flame,” she whispers.
“Wha? What are you doing?”
Her physical body starts to disappear. I let go of her as I can no longer touch her. My lips collapse into dread.
“I enjoyed listening to everything you did all day. I was happy pretending I was right there with you, in the outside world. You’re such a wonderful person. You’re more than I ever imagined.”
Slowly, her body dissolves into orbs of light. First from her arms and legs.
“I really did try my hardest. I thought if I bound our souls together I could protect you. It seems I can’t do anything right. It appears I wasn’t strong enough for that. I watched you struggle and I know that’s all you can see. You suffered so much, but you don’t deserve to be in any more pain. You never did. I want you to see that you are much more than your grief.”
Her upper body starts to dissolve. Only her head and heart remain but her smile doesn’t waver.
“I…I hated you so much.”
“I’m going to die again. This time, I’m doing it for you, so take my half of our soul, and live. Together, we can end this violence.”
The last bit of Elizabeth begins to fade away
“Don’t do this…don’t…I hated you. I…I hated you because I just wanted to love you. ”
Her lips smile wider and begin to disappear as she says, “And I will always love you. Thank you for being so beautiful.”
She fades away.
Her heart, a blue flame that’s the only thing left, enters where mine belongs. It reignites my blue ember that’s been a flicker. My limbs, my body and my head come back to me. I don’t feel very different. The warmth is still there, but there’s no awe or euphoria, there’s no epiphany. This body is the one I always see in the mirror; I’m 14 and everything starts to make sense.
Grace stops building her sand castle and stands to face me, “I’m going to miss her. I wasn’t lonely when she was around.”
This body of mine has always been here. It hasn’t lived. Is this a second chance? I didn’t want this. I threw my life away. This raging flame is burning bright now. It’s only temporary. It’ll die again if I don’t do anything about it. I know what’s missing now. I can keep it alive.
“She’s not going to remember this either,” I state.
“It’s not going to be easy. It won’t happen right away. She’s going to be scared, but she isn’t going to do it alone. It’s everyone’s turn to help her now. She’s going to remember that much.”
Gracie is looking up at me with yearning eyes. I failed her. She never did anything wrong. I can’t fail her again.
“Do you think we can become somebody you’ll be proud of?”
“But we’re somebody now. I’m already proud.”
I grab Gracie's hand then decide It’ll be better to pick her up. I hold her against my chest, my blue flame reaching out to her and connecting to her palm. I’m unable to contain my tears. I never knew how much I wanted this. “I’m so sorry. I promise I’ll take better care of you. I’m not going to leave you alone anymore.”
“Are you ready to go back to the real Grace? She’s the one who needs our help.”
“Yeah, together this time.”