Thursday Night
This anger subsides when I’m with Yuele.
Friday nights have become the only times I’ve been able to be happy. I’m still unsure what he brings out of me that makes me feel like this. But he’s safe and fun to be around.
We’re going on tonight, just like most Friday nights. Tonight’s a little bit more special. Where we’re going isn’t exactly legally allowed to happen. It’s under an abandoned tunnel outside of Seattle where nobody ever ventures out to.
It’s the underground scene.
It’s techno.
It’s the genre Yuele and I both like, so I know it’s going to be a fantastic night.
But it isn’t Yuele who’s coming. It’s Yuna. She’s making her first public appearance with me. I didn’t ask her to. She wanted to. She said she wanted to dance nonstop with me as her best friend.
For techno shows, I like to dress in all black. I show a bit more skin with these outfits. Tonight’s outfit is a laced crop top, high waisted shorts and lace hand warmers. I borrowed Sara’s goth platform boots with straps that almost reach up to my knees.
Yuna shockingly dresses more provokingly than me. Her top is functionally just a bra with a short skirt that barely attempts to cover her ass. The tops it off some Doc Marten boots. Yuna would never willingly dress like this.
We pregame inside my car for a bit. The tunnel is a few minutes walk away but the bass reaches us from here. I’m not one to drink hard liquor at raves, but fuck it, with how Yuna came out, it’s a special occasion.
Yuna’s eyes are wide as she watches me chug down a quarter of the whiskey handle. “How do you not gag?” She chuckles after I swallow the poison without making a face or diluting the taste with a chaser.
“I’m an excellent dick sucker.”
Yuna laughs, taking a sip out of the handle. “Does it translate to eating out? I’ll be the guinea pig.”
“How about we actually get you laid tonight? Get it out of your system.”
“Only if you’re there to hold my hand during.”
“Ew no, I’m not into that voyeur shit.”
“Then how do you know what it’s called?” Yuna smirks.
I toss the bottle into my trunk and shut it, “I’m not the one with the porn addiction here. C’mon, we have a long night ahead of us.”
Yuna follows closely behind and I lead us down a dirt trail that eventually goes to the tunnel. The rave is already packed by the time we arrive and based on past experiences, will stay so until the sun begins to rise. However, these are the best nights. There’s no better feeling than watching the sunrise after dancing nonstep for eight hours. Techno just does that for me. There’s no breaks, only kicks and bass.
MDMA.
Ecstasy.
LSD.
A never ending dream of love.
I haven’t told Yuna I swallowed a half tab of acid. She’d freak out and be constantly worried for me. It’ll just ruin her night even if she knows it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’ve done it plenty of times before. Acid and MDMA is a combination that’s infallible and I’m just there for the ride.
It starts to come up while Yuna and I dance in front of each other, never breaking away eye contact. At least I don’t. I can’t tell through the sunglasses she’s wearing. The repetitive rhythm of the beat puts us in sync, like we’re one body. I move, and she moves exactly the same.
Isn’t this all what it's about?
I can breathe.
I like LSD because it gives me funny little thoughts. It’s incredibly popular with the hippies and I can see why. Life is beautiful, and great, and everyone is connected and we should all love each other. This isn’t an epiphany by any means. These thoughts aren’t unique, they’re not special.
It’s all love, peace and unity.
That connection never lasts, but it’s a pleasant one to be in.
Until it’s not.
Yuna goes to the bathroom. The rave organizers were thoughtful enough not to supply the crowd with porta potties and rented a bathroom trailer to use. Tripping inside a confined and closed space like a porta potty is nerve wracking. I’ll just hold it if I had to.
Wait, where’s Yuna?
A minute can feel like an hour and I don’t remember at what time Yuna left. She’s been gone for what feels like eternity. She isn’t in the bathroom when I go try and find her. She’s not anywhere inside the crowd. She disappeared.
I text her, but I can’t see straight. It’s blurry and everything is moving. No. I haven’t texted her. I’ve been staring at my phone’s background and app icons. How long was I staring?
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
I need to pee.
I go back to the bathroom. I can’t pee. Then I do. The pressure of my bladder doesn’t ease and it goes on and on and on. I’m pissing all the water inside my body. It ends and I stare at the stall door. Patterns of rivers are swirling around.
I wash my hands.
I look at my reflection.
The girl next to me compliments me on my makeup. I compliment her on her outfit. She leaves. I look back at my reflection. I’m not 18. I’m not 14. Wait, I’m not 14. I’m not sure how old I am. Is that even Grace?
Please come back.
Who said that?
I’m sorry.
That was a different voice.
I step back into the dancefloor and everyone is a black silhouette. They’re shapeless, all melting into each other. They aren’t real. They aren’t people, just blobs of darkness.
Where’s Yuna?
I can’t find her.
I go back to where we were, but she’s not there.
She left me. She was never real.
I’m alone.
I have always been alone.
I’ll always be alone.
I don’t have a future. I was born unloveable, a monster. I’m not important. I’m not worth it. That’s how it’s always going to be. That will never change. That’s why I’m angry. I don’t want to let go of that hate. I shouldn’t be the only one to suffer. I can’t breathe. I’m hyperventilating. I’m–
Yuna turns me around, “I’ve been looking for you. Where did you disappear too?”
I hug her, squeezing her as hard as I can. “You’re here!”
“Well I wasn’t going to leave you.”
Yuna is here. Everything is alright again. I can breathe. That was just the LSD talking. I almost fell into a bad trip, that would have been bad. I’ve never gone through one before. That was scary. But Yuna doesn’t make me scared. Yuna is home. Yuna can take care of me.
But I can’t give her that burden.
It’s not hers to hold.
We dance together again like the past few minutes never happened. I fall back into my trance of ecstasy and euphoria. Yuna laughs, closing my jaw while I stare at the tunnel’s ceiling. I have to keep it slightly open or else my teeth will grind themselves off.
Elizabeth’s pull tugs on me again. I can see the string. It wants me to follow it. I’ve yet to come close to knowing what it means. There’s no one at the other end. Yet it becomes stronger with every odd thing that’s been happening to me. Maybe I only noticed the weird stuff because it’s more in my face. Weird things have always been happening around me.
Chris was weird. He said weird things like Adanismee and her brother. He had a fascination with weird. He said Elizabeth was never supposed to die. He said she defied the threads of fate. Weird is what made him lose his mind and end up catatonic. Weird is why he worked together with Andrew to bring down Lyle.
I’m weird.
Yuna leaves, this time to get us water. She doesn’t come back again. My thoughts aren’t real. It’s the trip that’s talking. I don’t have to believe them. I don’t have to let them make me panic.
I receive a text and instantly open it up because I believe it’s from Yuna. It isn’t. It’s from Cody. Again, I stare at my phone screen for what seems hours. I don’t bother to read the message. I keep rereading the first three words of the sentence and I’m unable to go past it.
What were you thinking…
What were you thinking…
What were you thinking…
I shake my head away and break away from the loop. I have to find Yuna again.
It doesn’t take me as long as she’s right outside the entrance of the tunnel. She’s arguing with two girls. There’s a third one but she doesn’t get involved.
“Why the fuck do you care that I am here? I didn’t come just for you to start shit,” Yuna has her arms crossed.
“That’s not my fucking problem. I was having a good time until bumping into you, bitch.”
The girls are much shorter than Yuna, but their looks are much more nasty. The other one laughs, “I can’t believe you’re dressing like you’re any hot or anything.”
“Look in a mirror, bitch.”
“Yuna,” I interrupt.
Her sour face instantly becomes relieved now that I’m here.
“What’s going on?”
Yuna smirks at the two girls bothering her, “Call me a fucking liar again.”
The girls look me up and down then roll their eyes. “Need your little girlfriend to fight for you?”
Yuna nearly jumps at them. I stop her. “I’ll fucking fight you here you scared little bitch.”
At this point, the attention of everyone surrounds us. There’s still a few hours left in the night. I’d rather not get kicked out. I take Yuna further outside to cool her off. Once we get far away enough, she sits on a boulder.
Yuna kicks the dirt as she does, “Fuck!”
“What was that about?”
“They go to my school. They’re always giving me shit,” Yuna sighs.
I’m staring at the dirt and grass. They’re flowing with the breeze. The ground hasn’t completely dried and there’s moisture in the air. It’s going to rain again.
“Grace.”
“Uh? What?” I shake my head and pull myself together.
“Are you alright?” she laughs. “You’ve been strange all night.”
“No, I’m fine. Are you fine? Why were they trying to start a fight?”
“It’s fine. They’re always picking on me.”
“Why do you let it bother you?”
“Because they keep making fun of how I look and because I’m so tall. At school, they joke that I make a better boy than girl.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Yuna smacks her lips together then stretches. She unbuckles her shoulder bag and pulls out a folded dollar bill. I open the water bottles she bought as she does. She takes a dip then offers me some which I don’t refuse.
“I don’t think more Molly will make me feel any better.”
“It’ll be fine. Let's just stay here until you cool off.”
Yuna takes a drink of water after me. “Y’know, I always wondered why a girl like you plays League. You’re the complete opposite of who would. It all makes sense after you told me about the Grace lore. I wish I was a bit more like you.”
“Well we met at a weird time in life. I’m not really the same Grace as I was back then. That’s why I haven’t been playing a lot.”
“Yeah, and you stopped reading One Piece too. I don’t have anyone to talk to about the latest chapter anymore.”
“It just isn’t me anymore.”
“Pshh, that’s a lie,” Yuna giggles and leans herself back on the boulder. “You’re still that same dork to me.”
“Why would you want to be more like me?”
“Your confidence. Well, as I am now. It took a lot of guts to come out dressed like this,” Yuna nervously laughs. “It meant alot to me when you opened up last week.”
“I want to be there for you too, Yuna. Let me know if you need anything from me, okay?”
My friend giggles, “Got anything to stop me from feeling like shit in this stupid body of mine?”
“Want some cocaine?”
“You do coke?”
I nod, “Yeah.”