A leader can fall / a smile can fade / good can be turned evil / and joy to sorrow.

One of the most important concepts to understand in strategy is object permanence. This is the idea that even if something vanishes from sight, it still exists. However, one thing that is seldom touched on, is that when that thing once again returns into vision… It may no longer be the same.

My whole body ached. Every heartbeat stung, and my arm felt like it was being torn apart from the inside.

‘I’m back…’ I focused on my breath, but even that hurt from my bruised ribs, although admittedly, that was probably the least noticeable pain.

My heart pounded in my chest, each beat resounding so strongly that I could feel it moving my chest. My arteries and veins stung, and I could feel and hear my blood circulating as if I were taking its pressure with a stethoscope.

“So hot…” I muttered. Trying to center my mind. Everything was so clear a moment ago, but being suddenly flooded with the overload of pain and other sensations clouded my thoughts, making me feel slow and groggy.

‘I must have gotten sick too… Or poisoned again.’ My eyes watered, making it hard to see. I moved my good arm to try and wipe them, but the moment I did my shoulder cried out with a deep soreness so intense it made me forget about trying. ‘That's right… That happened too.’ I thought back to when my whole body was slammed against the wall, denting and cracking it, dislocating my shoulder.

‘I can’t even wipe my own tears… How pathetic…’

Desperate to move in some way from how stiff I was, I rolled over to my side, holding my casted arm close to my chest with a groan.

Bhaltair, my father, Mara, and of course my siblings who stood by and watched. Thinking about any of it just made my headache worse.

‘I had plenty of time to sort out my thoughts about all this when I was with Agis… But I ended up just putting it off instead… Sometimes I really hate how lazy I can be.’

“Siya?”

Mara’s voice reached out to me. ‘Just how many times has it been her that was here by my side when I woke up… It’s always her, and not my Father…’

For a moment I felt emotions I couldn’t define well up inside of me, but in the next, they were gone. It was almost like I was too tired to have feelings.

‘Go away…’ I thought, only able to let out a groan in response as my body was still waking up.

“You're awake…”

Her chilling voice was far from a comfort. Still, I used to think it was better than being alone. In that moment though I didn’t feel like I was ready to face her, to face anyone. My time with Agis felt like a faint dream. As reality began to hit me like a sack of bricks, I started to feel like I was breaking down, rotting away slowly so that my mental state matched the state of my body.

‘It hurts so much… Just go away… Just leave me alone like you always do…’

I was still too weak to move much, but as I fully regained feeling in my body the pain only worsened, becoming all too real as my eyes watered even more, still stinging.

‘All he did was break my arm, what's with all these other symptoms? My body feels so heavy…’ I thought about the pellets I had, and how my father made me take the last one.

I opened my eyes wide, forcing them to spasm and try to regain their focus. “He didn’t poison me again did he?”

This time it was her that let out a small groan. “So he told you… That sounds like him… Probably saying it casually as if it was the obvious course of action…”

She paused, looking away towards the door before handing me a glass. “You should drink this.”

‘No… Did he actually… Again…’ A tear rolled down my face as my face scrunched up ‘Stop it, Siya… Think through it first. I should at least ask what it is. “A-antidote?” I asked, hesitantly. Unable to bring myself to say any other words to make up a proper sentence.

She slightly raised the glass in the air as if giving a toast. “Painkillers.”

I had started pushing myself up, but the moment I realized my life wasn’t in danger I fell limp again. If I put any weight on my left arm it felt like it was tearing open from the inside, and my other shoulder was so sore that it made me let out a small squeak when I tried to move it.

“Here I’ll help you.” Before I could refuse she was already leaning over me, her strong arm gently raising me up.

My head slowly drifted as the change in position made me feel faint, my vision thinning to small pinholes but never quite going dark.

She changed the position of her arm to support my neck as well, raising the glass to my lips. “This should stop the pain while it heals.”

As uncomfortable as it was to feel her arm around me, or have her touch me at all, I was more than happy to take anything that relieved some of the pain.

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After swallowing the last drop she took the cup away and put it on the nightstand, letting out a heavy sigh. “Are you… Feeling alright?”

The softness of her voice, and the longing look in her eyes were foreign to me. I almost didn't believe it was her.

I looked down at my limp arms, afraid to move either of them, then back to her. “Oh, yeah. I feel great.” The sarcasm in my voice came out a bit heavier than I intended, but I didn’t care.

Her gaze slowly dropped.

‘There's no way she’s actually worried about me is there? I mean… How else would I take this?’

After a moment of silence, I began to feel awkward like I had to say something. “It could have been a lot worse… So Yeah… I guess I’m alright…”

She raised her head, looking me in the eyes, then lowered her eyes again. Finally, with a deep breath, she seemed to organize her thoughts, putting on the same old stern face I knew.

“Liar…” She flicked my forehead.

The sudden flick made my eyes spasm again

“What…?” I wanted to raise a hand to rub where it stung, but the moment I moved my arm my shoulder began to hurt deep inside the joint making me wince. ‘I guess the painkillers haven’t finished kicking in yet…’

Another sigh escaped her lips. “Your arm’s broken the other shoulder damaged, your manna gate is shattered, so I’m sure your veins sting too. Your head probably hurts from the backlash, and there's no way the painkillers have kicked in yet.”

She paused, gently placing her hand where she flicked me, sliding my hair back behind my ear. With a fragile smile. “On top of that, you're dealing with the fact that your own father tried to poison you, and your brother beat you until you were left unconscious for three days. You expect me to believe you're fine? I mean… Even for someone as tough as you…”

An awkward silence fell over the room as I struggled to respond. ‘Someone as tough as me?’ It felt strange. On the one hand, I was proud to be acknowledged, especially by her. On the other hand, I wanted to tell myself I didn’t care at all what she had to say and wanted nothing more than for her to just leave me alone.

My emotions were a complicated mess that eventually just led to my brain shutting down, my words coming out of my mouth on instinct, without thought. “If you knew then why did you even bother to ask…”

“I didn’t know what else I was supposed to say…”

Another long silence hung in the air. ‘So now she suddenly cares?’

I stared at her eyes as they slowly softened. I wasn't sure what had changed, or why, but she wasn’t acting the same as before.

She hesitantly reached down and grabbed my hand. Her fingers were soft and warm, her calluses hard but smooth. ‘Is this really the same person that beat me within an inch of my life?’

The thought sent me back to our so-called training where she humiliated me in front of my sister before nearly killing me under the guise of sword practice.

If I tried, I could replay every moment in my mind. Every move I made, each blow I took, and even the two that I managed to land on her. ‘There are few times I have ever been so proud of myself… But to her, I’m sure it was just a disappointing performance.’

I looked down, gently squeezing her fingers. ‘It’s so warm…’ A strange melancholy washed over me. It was the very thing I longed for. Waking up and having someone to be there for me, to hold my hand. Once upon a time, I had imagined it being hers as unrealistic as I knew that was.

In that moment though, as warm as her touch was on my cold skin, it only made my blood run colder. My body burned and dripped with sweat, but my blood was so cold it was hard for me to believe I was still alive. My hands looked like that of a dead girl.

My fingers were stiff to move, and I could clearly see the bruises covering my arms. ‘Why did she have to go so far? What was the purpose? And… Why was she so angry at the end… Was she angry at me? That doesn't seem right.’

I looked over at her, not even realizing I was still holding onto her hand. As I pulled away it felt like all the warmth was being sucked out of my body. ‘If she feels that warm then that should mean I’m freezing, so why do I feel so hot?’

I shivered as a cold breeze blew through the open window. ‘It’s like my body is reacting, but my brain is confused.

“I’ll get you another blanket.”

Before I knew it I was covered with several more thick blankets. As I sunk underneath their weight I began to feel tired again. My head felt like it was on fire, but my entire body felt cold as snow and just as fragile. “It doesn’t feel any better…” I grumbled.

She gave me a pitting look, closing the window tighter and sitting back down by my side. She didn’t seem to have anything more to say, she was just there.

‘Why hasn’t she left yet…’ As I sat there shivering she just leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms and closing her eyes as if deep in thought. We went on like that for over 15 minutes before I finally began to feel the blankets keeping me warm.

At that point, all that was left was her awkward presence. ‘She’s always here when I wake up… And then she leaves, why is she staying this time? I mean, I guess it is her room… She isn’t… Going to sleep there… is she?’

She raised a hand to her chin, confirming my suspicion that she wasn’t already asleep and just thinking.

“You're not leaving?” I finally asked. I heard a sour note in my own voice.

“Not until you say you're fine, and you actually mean it. You're a terrible liar you know.”

I rolled my eyes, letting out another groan. “Kill me…”

Her eyes suddenly shot open and her whole body tensed as her brow furrowed. For a moment I thought she might actually do it.

A moment later she relaxed again, never even moving from a calm position with her arms crossed, leaning back in her chair. “I see your sense of humor is still twisted…” She grumbled.

‘Doesn't she usually laugh at those jokes though?’ “Uhm… No, sorry. I mean… That was just a figure of speech…” I thought back to the conversation I had with Finlo. It felt like forever ago when he told me to stop telling jokes about my own death.

‘That doesn't count does it?’ I let out a sigh, feeling like I let him down somehow. “Sorry, I’ll watch what I say more carefully.”

“Good, because I don't intend to kill you. So you should stop expecting me too.”

In my mind I wasn’t even talking to her, I was talking to Finlo, so when I heard her respond, and to say that of all things, I was too shaken to respond, thinking maybe I was already confusing reality with dreams as I drifted off to sleep.

“Hey, did you hear me?”

“Yes Mam!” I yelled, trying to wake up ‘Wait… But did I hear her right?’

“Siya…” She muttered, her voice slightly higher than normal.

‘Even now she feels cold and distant in a way. However, I guess even that doesn’t change that she is always there when I wake up. Which was a lot more than my father could say. I guess, if I want to know, I should just ask her.’ “Mara… Do you care about me at all?”

Her breath stopped and she became completely still, pausing for a moment before she could answer. “I… Think so… Yes…”

“That's strange. I don't remember hitting my head when Bhaltair threw me to the floor, but there was so much adrenaline in my body it's possible I just didn't feel it.’

I moved my arm, feeling the soreness yell out at me and feeling the pain even through the painkillers. “It's too real to be a dream…”

Her icey expression that I was so used to slowly returned again like it was battling with the others for dominance, but her voice was soft and warm, betraying it. “You're not seeing things, Siya.”

‘So she does care…’ “Did you hit your head on something? Did you get into a fight with Bhaltair too?”

She suddenly glared at me with eyes that made me sure it was her after all. It made me look away, my body nearly trembling as it remembered the pain from each sword strike.

‘I guess the next question is what that statement is even worth… She cares, but so what… She must have just been holding back because she was afraid she would have to kill me one day… But that would mean…’

I reached up to the scar on my neck. ‘How long has she felt this way though… Since the beginning? Or, just recently? Wait… Maybe She’s just trying to manipulate me. I mean a frail little girl who was dejected by everyone for her whole life… Sounds easy enough to manipulate… Manipulate into what though?’

I closed my eyes again as I tucked my knees up, curling into a ball on the bed just wanting to fall asleep, but unable to because of the pain.

‘One thing at a time. It's awfully hard to cut an infant's neck and not kill them… Especially if you're trying. Am I hoping for too much? Maybe I’m just swinging from one extreme to another, grasping at straws now that I know I can’t trust my father. She doesn’t want me dead at least but does she necessarily care if I’m alive either? I don't know anymore… So… I have to make sure.’

“Mara… 14 years ago… When you tried to kill me, did you hesitate?”

Her face turned pale.